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Learning the Power of Love
Your desire to see change in your spouse is most likely correlated with a desire to meet some need in your own life. Regardless of culture, human beings are by nature egocentric. We think the world revolves around us. Meeting our own needs is the motivation behind much of our behavior. Robert wanted Sheila to become more organized so that she would not spend so much of her time looking for things, but he also admitted that part of his motivation was that he did not want to waste his own time helping her. He wanted her to be more interested in sex because his needs were not being met. He wanted her to spend less money so that he would feel that he was a good provider and they could live within their means. On the other hand, Sheila desired to hear from Robert words of affirmation in order to enhance her own self-esteem. His condemning words cut deeply at her self-respect.
A concern for one’s own well-being is natural and healthy. In fact, if we did not feed ourselves and get proper sleep and exercise, we would not be able to live. We are responsible for seeking to meet our own physical and emotional needs. At the same time, we are also designed for relationships. Those who live in isolation will never reach their full potential in society. Relationships call us to get outside of ourselves. If meeting our own needs becomes the central theme of our lives, we will never have good relationships.
Successful relationships require that we become interested in the well-being of another person. It is taking our natural desire to meet our own needs, turning it outward toward someone else, and using the same amount of energy to meet his or her needs. The word to describe this other-centered attitude is love. In this sense, the song is true: Love makes the world go round.8 Without love, society would not continue. In a marriage relationship, I know of nothing more important than love. Where there is love, change is inevitable. Without love, positive change seldom occurs.
Reflect on the stage of life when you and your spouse were “in love.” Is it not true that you were willing to do anything for your lover’s benefit—climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, stop smoking, learn to dance? Whatever desire he or she expressed, you were willing to attempt. Why were you so open to change? I believe it was because your emotional need for love was being met so fully. It is true that love stimulates love.
In time, however, the emotional obsession you had for each other faded, and your egocentric natures took over. Both you and your spouse began focusing on getting your own needs met. Ironically, the result was that neither of you was satisfied. The nature of egocentric living is disappointment and hurt, which leads to anger, resentment, and bitterness. Such is the plight of thousands of married couples. In order for this to change, there must be a return to love—not the euphoric state of being “in love,” but the conscious choice to look out for the best interests of the other person. Love requires a fundamental change of perspective. It goes against our natural bent toward selfishness, but it is the most powerful weapon in the world for good. It radically changes the climate of a marriage.
The attitude of love must find behavioral structures through which to be expressed. In my own marriage, these structures were formed by asking my wife the following questions:
“How may I help you?”
“What can I do that would make your life easier?”
“How can I be a better husband to you?”
When I was willing to ask those questions and let Karolyn’s answers guide me in how I expressed my love to her, our marriage was reborn.
Through thirty years of marriage counseling, I have helped hundreds of couples discover how to connect with each other emotionally by choosing to walk the road of love. In 1992, I wrote a book called The Five Love Languages, which has helped literally hundreds of thousands of couples to reconnect and create a positive emotional climate in their marriages.9 Of the five love languages, everyone has a primary love language. One of these styles of communication speaks more deeply to each of us emotionally than the other four. We like all of them to varying degrees, but there’s usually one we prefer above the others, one that we wouldn’t give up for anything. That is what makes us feel genuinely loved. When our spouses “speak” to us in our primary love language, our love tanks fill up and we feel secure. The key is to discover your spouse’s primary love language and give him or her heavy doses of it while sprinkling in the other four love languages as cherries on top of the sundae. I have never seen a marriage that was not improved when one spouse or both chose to follow this path.
To help you get started, I will briefly summarize the five love languages and illustrate why it is so important to learn your spouse’s primary love language:
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
For some people, words of affirmation are what make them feel loved. Choosing to focus on the positive and to verbalize affirmation for those things you appreciate about your spouse will tend to motivate him or her to noble behavior. If your spouse’s primary love language is words of affirmation, look for even the slightest opportunity to offer some simple, affirming words such as those that follow.
“You look nice in that dress.”
“Oh, do you ever look sharp tonight.”
“I really appreciate the meal.”
“Thanks for taking out the garbage.”
“I want you to know I do not take you for granted.”
“I really appreciate the fact that you cleaned the kitchen tonight.”
“Thanks for mowing the grass; the yard really looks nice.”
“I appreciate your putting gas in my car. And thanks for getting the bugs off the windshield.”
Affirming words may also focus on your spouse’s personality traits:
“I noticed how you spent time with Rebecca last night. She seemed to be upset. I really appreciate the fact that you take time for people.”
“I don’t think I’ve told you this lately, but I really appreciate the fact that when I come home, you are always so encouraging and excited about my being here. That means a lot to me.”
“I appreciate the spontaneity of your personality. You make my life interesting.”
“The methodical way in which you attack problems is such a gift. I appreciate the way you make my life easier by solving so many of my problems.”
Words of affirmation may also focus on the person’s physical characteristics:
“Your hair looks nice.”
“I love the twinkle in your eye.”
“Have I told you lately that your breasts are beautiful?”
“Look at those muscles. Wow!”
“The blue of your eyes reminds me of a calm lake in the mountains.”
Affirming words give life; condemning words bring death. Many couples have destroyed their marriage by using condemning, judgmental, harsh, cutting words. That can be changed when one spouse chooses to stop the flow of negativity and begin the flow of loving words.
Love Language #2: Gifts
My academic background is in anthropology, the study of cultures. No one has yet found a culture in which gift giving is not an expression of love. A gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.” Gifts are a physical, visible token of thoughtfulness and care.
A gift need not be expensive. After all, it’s the thought that counts, right? Actually, it is more than the thought left in your mind that counts; it is the thoughtful gift that results from the thought in your mind that makes the difference. Most of us could learn a great deal from observing our children. Children are masters of gift giving, and most of the time it costs them nothing. They make imaginary strawberry pies and ask you to join them in eating. They make cars out of paper towel tubes and buttons and give them to you as a gift. They run to you with a flower, present it with a smile, and say, “I got this for you.” Where along the way to adulthood did we lose this spirit of gift giving?
I believe that anyone can learn to give gifts. It requires an awareness that gift giving is one of the fundamental languages of love, and you must decide to speak that language to your spouse. It’s not what the gift costs but your thoughtfulness that matters. Make your wife a love card out of the various colored papers that come across your desk. Write words of affirmation on the card and give it to her on Valentine’s Day—or better yet, on an “unspecial” day. Of course, not all gifts should be free. Listen to your spouse’s comments about things he or she might like. If your spouse expresses a desire for something, make a note of it. Three weeks later, surprise your mate by presenting it to him or her after dinner.
Love Language #3: Acts of Service
“Actions speak louder than words.” For some people, that is certainly true. Doing something that you know your spouse will like is a deep expression of love. Cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming the floors, mowing the lawn, washing the cars, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, changing the baby’s diaper—all these are acts of service. Yes, they require time, effort, energy, and sometimes skill, but if your spouse’s primary love language is acts of service, you will strongly communicate your love whenever you do something that you know your spouse will like.
In household responsibilities, we tend to be creatures of habit. We fall into patterns of behavior—he cooks, she washes dishes; she does the laundry, he mows the grass; he keeps the cars filled with gas, she makes sure the clothes are clean. We find our niche and stick with it. Of course, there is a positive aspect to all this. Typically, we will do the things that we feel best equipped to do, and if we do them with a positive spirit for the benefit of each other, we are speaking the language of love.
If the chores and responsibilities are already well established at your house, you can enhance your expression of love to your spouse by doing something that is not normally on your list. Be advised that your spouse might not understand or fully appreciate your efforts, as depicted in the following dialogue:
“Honey, would you like me to clean the bathrooms tonight?”
“Are you saying that I’m not keeping the bathrooms clean?”
“No, I think you’re doing a great job. I just thought it might be nice if I did something to help you.”
Be prepared that your spouse might not be overly enthusiastic at first. Perhaps he or she is still wondering if you are telling the truth. But once you have completed the task, you are likely to hear some words of affirmation.
Love Language #4: Quality Time
Quality time is much more than being in the same room or the same house with your spouse. It involves giving your spouse your undivided attention. It is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking. It’s taking a walk down the road, just the two of you. It is going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed how in a restaurant you can almost always tell the difference between dating couples and married couples? Dating couples will look at each other and talk; married couples sit quietly and eat. For the dating couple, it is quality time; for the married couple, it is meeting a basic physical need. Why not turn your mealtimes into expressions of love by giving each other your undivided attention, talking and listening?
Begin by sharing the events of the day, but don’t stop there. Talk about things that might be troubling your spouse, or desires that he or she has for the future. Once our spouses sense that we are interested in what they are thinking and feeling, they will not only talk more freely but also feel loved.
If you would like to shock your spouse with an expression of quality time, the next time your spouse walks into the room while you are watching TV, hit the mute button and turn and look at your spouse, giving him or her your undivided attention. If your spouse starts talking, flip the TV off and engage in conversation. If he or she walks out of the room without talking, you may go back to your TV program, but the simple act of making yourself available for quality time communicates that your spouse is more important to you than anything on television. Quality time is a powerful language of love.
Love Language #5: Physical Touch
We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. All research indicates that babies who are affectionately touched fare better emotionally than babies who are not touched. The same is true of adults. If you have ever walked the halls of a home for the elderly, you have seen the outstretched hands of people who are longing to be touched. A handshake, a hug, a pat on the back would fill the love tank of many a lonely person.
In marriage, physical touch is one of the fundamental languages of love. Holding hands while you give thanks for a meal, putting your hand on your spouse’s shoulder as you sit watching television, embracing each other when you meet after being apart, sexual intercourse, kissing—sometimes a peck, sometimes with passion—any touch, as long as it is affectionate, is a deep expression of love.
I remember a woman who said to me, “Of all the things my husband does, nothing is more important than the kiss on the cheek he gives me when he comes home from work. It doesn’t matter how bad his day has been or how bad my day has been. When he comes to greet me with a kiss before going to the television or the refrigerator, everything seems better.” A man at one of my seminars said, “I never leave the house without getting a hug from my wife, which she initiates. And when I return, the first thing she does is give me a hug. Some days, her hugs are the only positive thing that happens, but they are enough to keep me going.”
Discovering Your Primary Love Language
In order to discover your primary love language, ask yourself what you complain about most often to your spouse. Your complaints reveal your love language. If every so often you say to your spouse, “We never spend any time together. We are like two ships passing in the night,” you are communicating that your love language is quality time. If your spouse returns from a trip and you say, “You mean you didn’t bring me anything?” you are revealing that your love language is gifts. If you hear yourself saying to your spouse, “You don’t ever touch me. If I didn’t touch you, I don’t think we would ever touch,” you are revealing that your love language is physical touch. If you often say to your spouse, “I don’t ever do anything right,” you are revealing that your love language is words of affirmation. If you hear yourself saying, “You don’t ever help me around here. I mean, I have to do everything. If you loved me, you would do something around here,” your primary love language is acts of service. If you have no complaints, it means that your spouse is speaking your primary love language, even though you may not know what it is.
How do you discover your spouse’s primary love language? Listen to his or her complaints. Typically we get defensive when our spouse complains. If a husband says, “I don’t understand why you can’t keep this house halfway decent. It looks like a pigpen,” his wife is likely to explode in angry words or burst into tears. However, her husband is giving her valuable information about his primary love language—acts of service. Listen to your spouse’s complaints and you will learn what makes him or her feel loved.
The key to creating a positive emotional climate in a marriage is learning to speak each other’s primary love language and speaking it regularly. My wife’s love language is acts of service. That’s why I vacuum floors, wash dishes, clean blinds, and fold clothes. I am not by nature a doer; I would much rather talk or listen. But I know that, for my wife, actions speak louder than words.
The other day, my wife said in passing, “The blinds are looking pretty dusty.” I got the message, and I made a mental note. Two mornings later at about six o’clock, before I left to lead a marriage seminar, I was in the dining room vacuuming the blinds when Karolyn walked in and asked, “What are you doing?”
I said, “Honey, I’m making love.”
She responded, “You have got to be the greatest husband in the world.”
My primary love language is words of affirmation. Karolyn filled my love tank while I filled hers. It took thirty minutes and a little effort to vacuum blinds at six o’clock on Friday morning, but it was a small price to pay to live with a happy woman. Her response to me took less than six seconds, but for me those words of affirmation meant more than a thousand gifts.
From time to time, someone complains to me: “But what if my spouse’s love language is something that just doesn’t come naturally for me?” I always respond, “So?” Learning to speak a second language may not be easy, but the effort is well worth it. To be honest, vacuuming floors, washing dishes, and dusting blinds do not come naturally for me, but I have learned to speak my wife’s love language because meeting her emotional need for love is important to me.
So where do you begin? I suggest you start where you are. If you grew up in a family that was not touchy-feely and you are married to someone whose love language is physical touch, start by touching yourself. Put one hand on top of the other, or rest your hand on your elbow or shoulder. Touch your knee or pat yourself on the thigh. When you become comfortable touching yourself, imagine putting your arm on your spouse’s back for three seconds, or giving your spouse a small pat on the back. Practice these motions alone. Picture yourself touching your spouse casually and naturally. Then, one day, with all the courage you can muster, walk up to your spouse, pat him or her on the back, and see what kind of response you get. Your spouse may be surprised, but you will be on your way to mastering your spouse’s love language. The next time—and the time after that—will be even easier.
If your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation and you are not a verbal person, get a notebook and begin to write phrases and sentences that express positive affirmation to your spouse. If you can’t think of anything, listen to what other people say and emulate that. Read magazines and books and record the expressions of love that you find. Next, stand in front of the mirror and read these things aloud to yourself. Become comfortable hearing these words come out of your mouth. When you’re ready, pick one of these statements, walk up behind your spouse, and speak your chosen words of affirmation. You will have “broken the sound barrier” and made it progressively easier to speak words of affirmation. By the fourth or fifth time, you will start to become comfortable looking your spouse in the eye when you speak these words of affirmation.
If you decide to make the effort, you can learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language. When you do, it will meet his or her most basic emotional need in the most effective way possible. Once you start speaking your spouse’s primary love language, you can sprinkle in the other four languages as well for extra emotional credit.
You may be thinking, So, what does all this talk about love have to do with getting my spouse to change? I’m glad you asked, because unless you understand the answer to that question, you are not likely to see significant changes in your spouse. All of us have basic emotional needs, including the need for security, significance, freedom, self-worth, and love. When these emotional needs are not met, we become emotionally frustrated. This frustration may express itself in depression, anxiety, resentment, or withdrawal. In a state of emotional frustration, we are almost never open to our spouse’s suggestions or requests. Typically, we interpret such requests as criticism. We may explode, retaliate, or withdraw, but we are not likely to change.
The most fundamental of all emotional needs is the need to feel loved. When we feel unloved, the whole world looks dark. Conversely, when our love tanks are full and we genuinely feel loved by our husband or wife, the whole world looks bright. Life becomes an adventure, and we don’t want to miss out on the excitement. In this positive state of mind, we are open to change, and the person to whom we are most responsive is the person who is filling our love tanks.
When your spouse’s love tank is full, he or she will be much more open to the changes that you desire, especially if you are the one who is filling your spouse’s love tank. You have created a climate where change is not only possible but also likely.
Will it be easy to learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language? Probably not, but the results are worth the effort.
When I met Brian and Joanne, they had been married for thirty-three years—but not thirty-three happy years. In fact, in Brian’s words, “The last twenty years have been utterly miserable. We have lived in the same house and tried to be humane, but we really haven’t had a marriage for the last twenty years.”
With that revelation, I was looking at Brian rather somberly, until he said, “That all changed six months ago. I was visiting with a friend and told him how miserable I was in my marriage. He listened to my story and then gave me a copy of The Five Love Languages. He said, ‘Read this. I think it will help you.’
“I went home and read it, cover to cover. As I read, it was like lightbulbs kept coming on in my brain. When I finished the book, I said to myself, ‘Why didn’t someone tell me this twenty years ago?’ I realized that neither of us had been speaking the other’s primary love language for at least twenty years. I gave the book to my wife and asked her to read it and let me know what she thought. The next week, we sat down and I said to her, ‘Did that book make any sense to you?’ She responded, ‘I wish I had read it thirty years ago. I think it explains what went wrong in our marriage.’ So I said to her, ‘Do you think it would make any difference if we tried now?’ to which she responded, ‘We don’t have anything to lose.’ ‘Does that mean you are willing to try?’ I asked. ‘Sure, I’ll try,’ she said.
“We discussed what we believed to be our primary love languages and agreed that with the help of God, we would seek to speak each other’s primary love language at least once a week, no matter how we felt about each other. If anyone had told me that in two months I would have strong love feelings for my wife, I would have said, ‘No way.’ But I do.”
At that point, Joanne broke into the conversation and said, “If anyone had told me that I would ever have love feelings for Brian again, I would have said it was impossible. But I do. It’s like we are on a second honeymoon. Last month, we took the first vacation we have taken together in twenty years. It was wonderful. We enjoy being with each other again. My only regret is that we wasted twenty years. I realize now that both of us had such deep needs for love, and yet neither one knew how to meet the other’s needs. I wish every couple could discover what we have discovered. It makes all the difference in the world.”
Brian and Joanne speak for thousands of couples who have discovered that speaking their spouse’s primary love language created a radically different atmosphere between the two of them. When they genuinely felt loved by their spouse, they were much more open to suggestions and requests.
It will be obvious that filling your spouse’s love tank will take time, but not as much time as you might imagine. For Brian and Joanne, after living with empty love tanks for twenty years, the emotional climate changed within two months. You will not be ready to start requesting change until your spouse has lived with a full love tank for a few weeks. I cannot tell you how long it will take, but I can tell you how to know when you’ve arrived and are ready for the next step.
Several years ago, I devised a little game that has helped thousands of couples. It is called Tank Check. Here’s the way you play the game: After you have been speaking your spouse’s primary love language consistently for one month, ask your spouse, “On a scale of 0 to 10, how’s the level in your love tank?” Wait for your spouse to give you a reading. If he or she says anything less than 10, you say, “What can I do to help fill it?” When your spouse gives you a suggestion, do it to the best of your ability. Play this game once a week. When you start getting responses of 8, 9, or 10 consistently, you will know you are ready for the next step, which is explained in the next chapter. I want you to read chapter 3 now so you can see where you’re headed, but please don’t try to implement the next step until you have completed the challenges of the current chapter as well as rereading chapter 1 of this part.
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Putting the Principles into Practice
1. In your marriage, what do you complain about most often?
2. What does your spouse complain about most often?
3. With these answers in mind, guess which of the following love languages are most desired by your spouse. (Rank the following in order of importance, with the most desirable being number 1 and the least desirable being number 5.)
___ Words of Affirmation
___ Gifts
___ Acts of Service
___ Quality Time
___ Physical Touch
4. Now, using the same scale, indicate which love languages you would most like to receive:
___ Words of Affirmation
___ Gifts
___ Acts of Service
___ Quality Time
___ Physical Touch
5. If your spouse is willing, ask him or her to complete steps 1–4 above. Discuss your answers in order to discover each other’s primary and secondary love languages. Choose to speak each other’s primary and secondary love languages for the next month and see what happens.
6. If your spouse is not interested in participating in the exercises in this chapter’s “Putting the Principles into Practice,” don’t be discouraged. Instead, simply start speaking his or her primary and secondary love languages, based on your “best guesses” in number 3, on the previous page, and see what happens over the next month. Remember, love stimulates love.