For thirty years, people have sat in my office and shared the struggles they have with in-laws. I have listened as they said,

• “My sister-in-law is driving me crazy. She is telling me how to raise my children, but she’s single! What does she know about parenting?”

• “My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law exclude me. They have breakfast out each Saturday and never invite me to join them. They know that my mom and sisters live six hundred miles away. I feel left out of their girl things.”

• “When my father-in-law comes to dinner, all he can talk about is sports, his work, or what he reads in the paper. He never asks about the details of our lives and seems to be totally disconnected from us emotionally.”

• “My brother-in-law tries to control my husband. He is five years older and maybe he has done this all his life, but I don’t like it.”

• “Our son-in-law has essentially kidnapped our daughter. Since their marriage, he refuses to let her come to family events.”

• “When my in-laws invite us to their home, they always include all their children and their families. Just once I wish they would have us over as a couple.”

• “My wife’s parents give her money to buy things we can’t afford. I resent that. I wish they would let us run our own lives.”

• “My husband’s mother wants to tell me how to cook. I cooked my own meals for five years before we married. I think I know how to cook. I don’t need her help.”

• “It’s awkward to invite just my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to do things. My mother-in-law is divorced, and we feel pressure to include her.”

• “My husband’s parents just ‘drop in’ unannounced. Sometimes I’m in the middle of a project I need to complete. I wish they would respect our schedule.”

Perhaps you could add a few of your own complaints. In-law problems often focus on such issues as control, interference, inconvenience, and the clashing of values and traditions. The purpose of this part of the book is to provide practical ideas on how to work through these struggles and build positive relationships.

When two people marry, they don’t simply marry each other; they marry into an extended family consisting of mother-in-law, father-in-law, and perhaps sister-in-law and brother-in-law. These in-laws come in all sizes, shapes, and personalities. They come with a history of family traditions and ways of relating to one another. Whatever else we say about families, we can agree that all families are different. These differences often lead to adjustment difficulties.

If we are able to make these adjustments, we can create positive in-law relationships. If we don’t, in-laws can be extremely troublesome. Parental relationships—his and hers—are the most common area of in-law conflicts.

In God’s plan, in-laws were not designed to be divisive. They were meant to be supportive. Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. In order to accomplish this ideal, marriages must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.

Separation from Parents

The Scriptures say, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”81 God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “uniting” of husband and wife. Thus, marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to parents. After marriage, the allegiance shifts to the mate.

We often call this “cutting the psychological apron strings.” If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly; it does mean that she is no longer the dominant female in his life. The principle of separating from parents is extremely important. We will seek to apply this principle in the chapters that follow. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.

Perhaps nowhere is this principle of separation from parents more important than in decision making. Your parents and in-laws may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be considered seriously, but in the final analysis you must make your own decisions. You must not allow parents to manipulate you into making decisions with which the two of you do not agree.

Devotion to Parents

The second fundamental principle of marriage is that we are to honor our parents. God gave to ancient Israel the Ten Commandments, one of which is, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”82 In the New Testament, the apostle Paul affirmed this principle: “‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”83

The command to honor parents does not cease when we are married. The word honor means to “show respect.” It involves treating others with kindness and dignity. One wife said, “My parents do not live respectable lives. How can I respect them when I don’t agree with what they are doing?” It is true that not all parents live honorable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of respect. But because they are made in the image of God and because they gave us life, we are to honor them. We may not agree with their lifestyle choices, but we can respect them as people even when we don’t respect their behavior. It is always right to honor our parents and the parents of our spouse. Leaving parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.

How do we express honor to our parents in daily life? We honor them by keeping the lines of communication open—visiting, telephoning, and sending e-mails. In such communication, you are seeking to convey the message, “I still love you and want you to be a part of my life.” Leaving must never be interpreted as deserting. Regular contact is a part of what it means to honor parents. Failure to communicate says in effect, “I no longer care.”

Another way of honoring parents is described in the New Testament: “If a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”84 When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ. Paul the apostle said, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”85 By our actions, we must demonstrate our faith in Christ by honoring our parents.

From the Parents’ Perspective

If we are the parents of married children, it will help if we remember our objective. Since their birth, we have been training our children for independence—or at least, we should have been doing so. We have taught them how to cook meals, wash dishes, make beds, buy clothes, save money, and make responsible decisions. We have taught them respect for authority and the value of the individual. In short, we have sought to bring them to maturity. We want them to be able to make it on their own.

At the time of their marriage, our goal of helping them become independent reaches fruition. We have helped them move from a state of complete dependence on us as infants to complete independence as newlyweds. In the future, we must view them as adults who will chart their own course, for better or for worse. We must never again impose our will upon them. We must respect them as equals.

This does not mean that we will no longer help our married children. It does mean that when we have a desire to help, we will ask first if they want our help. An unwanted gift is not a gift but a burden. Parents sometimes give financial aid to their married children, thus helping them to establish a standard of living they cannot afford. This practice does not foster independence. Neither should parents use gifts to influence a married child. “We will buy you a new car if you will . . .” is not a gift but an effort to manipulate.

Parents sometimes want to give advice to their married children. The rule of thumb is that parents should give advice only when requested. If your children have not requested your wisdom and you feel strongly urged to share it, at least ask permission. “Would you like for me to share my perspective on that?” is a good question. Giving unsolicited advice to your married children does not develop positive relationships.

The ideals to which we aspire are freedom and harmony. The married couple needs the emotional warmth that comes from a wholesome relationship with both sets of parents. Parents need the emotional warmth that comes from the couple. Life is too short to live with broken relationships. We will not always agree with our married children, but we can offer respect and give them the freedom to make their own decisions.

So how, exactly, do we become friends with our in-laws? In the next few pages, I’m going to share seven principles that will radically change in-law relationships.

At the end of each chapter are practical suggestions on how to weave these ideas into the fabric of your own family life. Whether you are the son-in-law, daughter-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, or brother-in-law, these principles are for you. If you will seek to apply these principles to your in-law relationships, I predict that you will begin to see positive changes in the attitudes and behavior of your in-laws. If you will follow the suggestions in the section entitled “Putting the Principles into Practice” at the end of each of the chapters in part six, you will be on the road to positive in-law relationships.