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CHAPTER 12

KEEP LEARNING

DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS about your sexual relationship that we haven’t yet addressed?

Hopefully the following “what-if” questions and answers will help. If you have more questions that aren’t answered here or in other chapters, feel free to contact us at www.passionatecommitment.com.

No matter what, decide to keep learning as you discover your God-given sexuality and share yourself fully with your husband.

What if “going for it” is giving in to him? You know your husband would like sex, but you find yourself avoiding and resisting sex even though you really would enjoy it. What is that about?

You may be angry with him because of unresolved problems in your relationship, or you may be carrying anger from the past—with your father or other men. So you are willing to withhold from your own pleasure because “going for it” would be giving in to the person you’re angry with.

Face the real issues, deal with your anger, and let yourself go for sex for you, even if he benefits. Try it. You’ll be glad you did!

What if my mind wanders? Studies have shown that most women’s minds wandered during sex. So we assume that is normal.

Today, studies have more carefully specified the effects of women’s mind-wandering. Many times, it’s a normal way women’s minds work and isn’t disruptive. Other times, thoughts of other things can get in the way of a positive sexual experience. It would be helpful to think about what happens for you during sex when your mind wanders.

Sometimes mind-wandering may add spark to your sexual time with your husband. If you go back to a special time the two of you enjoyed, that memory will likely increase your sensations in the moment. Your time may be enhanced by fantasizing the two of you in a more creative, special setting.

However, when your mind watches and evaluates how you are doing during sex (this is called spectatoring), performance anxiety sets in. Allowing your mind to wander to negative memories of the past or fears of pain or disappointment in the future will dampen your enjoyment and decrease your sexual pleasure.

The most common mind-wandering is remembering what you wanted to put on your grocery list or something you don’t want to forget to tell your husband. Those are so normal, and neither helpful nor negative unless they distract from the moment.

“Perhaps the trick with our minds, as with many other things in life, is balance: There is a time for focus and a time for mind-wandering,” writes Jenni Ogden. “We can control, to some extent, when our minds wander, and there are many situations where this is advantageous.”[51]

The Two-Screen Method, a mindfulness approach developed by our associate Dr. Scott Symington,[52] is most helpful for getting your mind back to the focus of your sexual experience—your connection with your husband and with your body.

Imagine you are in a room with two screens. On the front screen, you are focusing on your sexual moments, enjoying closeness with your husband, the sensations of your body, the enjoyment of his body, lips to lips, and any other positive sensations you would add to the list. On the side screen are thoughts about things of the day, your to-do list, or negative interruptions to your enjoyment of the front screen.

When your mind drifts to the side screen, don’t fight it or get frustrated with yourself for going there, just accept that it is there, but focus your attention back to the front screen and ride the waves of delight by keeping connected with your husband. Keep your eyes open and become actively engaged.

What if my husband keeps forgetting what I told him? He will! So remind him in a positive, inviting manner, and go after your desires with joy, rather than hoping he will remember. Don’t play the game: “If he loves me, he will remember.” His remembering or not remembering has nothing to do with love; he is wired differently from you.

What if we have sex the same way every time? Some couples enjoy what they have found works for them and don’t vary much from that. Some of us are that way with food: Joyce could eat the same thing for breakfast the rest of her life; Cliff needs variety. So consider variety in your sexual lives in the same way. It’s a choice that depends on what you enjoy.

What if quickies are all we ever have? Quickies can be fun, delightful, and even satisfying if they aren’t the consistent diet. Even as a person can survive on fast food, most enjoy a somewhat regular gourmet delight or a good old-fashioned, healthy, home-cooked meal. Taking time to plan a sexual gourmet event will bring deeper intimacy and passion for both.

What if my or his sexual past has invaded our bedroom? Deal with that past outside of the bedroom. If the two of you have tried but have been unsuccessful in removing that past from your relationship, get help—the sooner the better. Past issues can poison your current love of each other and your enjoyment of sex together.

Once you have released that past and forgiven yourselves and each other, bask in God’s grace and forgiveness. Then redo your bedroom and dedicate it to your relationship. Changes in your décor will reflect your new beginning. Invite God’s blessing and commit yourselves to each other.

What if we don’t talk about sex? If you haven’t talked with your husband about sex yet, you must have jumped to this chapter before reading the others. Go back and read Chapter 6 out loud together. Establish a new approach to open communication about sex.

What if he doesn’t turn me on? That isn’t his job! However, that question, which we hear often, can have different meanings. If you mean, “I don’t get aroused during sex with my husband,” you will need to read Chapters 8 and 9 on healing hurts and dealing with hormonal issues or whatever might be preventing you from being able to become aroused.

If you mean, “I don’t respond sexually to him anymore,” you most likely have unrealistic expectations and have not made the shift from the initial attraction, which is dopamine driven, to a long-term attachment that is fueled by the brain chemical oxytocin.

Focus on making decisions about sex, creating the best conditions for the two of you, and going after your pleasure, although not in a way that takes away from your husband or is at his expense.

What if I’m not in love with him? Were you ever in love with your husband or did you marry without love? Are you looking for a feeling? How do you define love? If you are looking for a feeling, it might be that you are looking for that excited-love feeling that was there early on, as we mentioned in the previous answer.

Read 1 Corinthians 13 in several translations and in the paraphrase The Message. Then redefine love for your marriage. Seek help if you can’t find love with your husband.

Keep Learning

As you’ve read this book, we hope you’ve learned that good sex doesn’t just “happen” naturally. Instead, practicing, talking, and learning are the way to mutual satisfaction for you and your husband.

We are convinced that mutual sexual joy and fulfillment—to whatever degree is possible given a couple’s situation and stage of life—is within your reach. This is possible as you take responsibility to do your part while releasing responsibility to your husband for his part.

Our calling is to help individuals and couples discover all they are as sexual persons designed in God’s image and maximize the vitality their sexuality brings to all dimensions of their lives—in and out of bed.

What we’ve shared with you has come out of our rewarding work over more than forty years as we’ve helped individuals and couples find:

And that’s what we wish for you.

Remember to practice our Formula for Intimacy for fifteen minutes per day, including passionate kissing that does not lead to sex. Preserve the spark in your marriage by puckering up.

Embrace who you are as a sexual person designed in God’s image! Sex is not about doing your duty. It’s about pursuing all of who you are sexually, and sharing your sexual intensity, joy, and delight with your husband. Together, you can honor God as you create a sexual relationship that is a model of Christ and the church.

Above all, remember how God loves you, and strive to love your husband in the same way.

“Watch what God does, and then you do it. . . . Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. . . . He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that” (Ephesians 5:1-2).