CHAPTER 4
PLAN AND PREPARE
GOOD SEX in marriage doesn’t just happen. Couples who keep the sexual spark glowing through the stages of marriage are those who are intentional about their sexual relationship. That’s why we encourage you to plan for your times together rather than wait for spontaneity. We are convinced that:
The anticipation of planned times
increases the quality of those times, and the allotment of time together increases the quantity of lovemaking.
Consider a special time you marked on your calendar: Maybe it was a celebration of a birthday or going on a date or having a party. When you set a date and planned for the special event, you had time to get yourself ready—to prepare both physically and mentally. You may have had moments of anxiety, wondering if the upcoming event would turn out as you anticipated, and you likely felt excited as you looked forward to it.
The same can be true if you schedule a time to be together sexually. Yet many hold on to the notion that sex must be spontaneous. If spontaneity is working for you sexually, go for it. But we have found that the very couples who insist on spontaneity are those who are not happy with the frequency or the quality of their sexual times together.
Planning doesn’t mean that every sexual time together needs to be a special event. Spontaneous quickies can be fun, delightful, and even satisfying if they aren’t the consistent diet. While a person could survive on McDonald’s meals, most of us enjoy an occasional “gourmet delight” and regular old-fashioned, healthy, home-cooked meals. Similarly, taking time to plan a sexual gourmet event and regular, basic, comfortable, homey sex times will bring deeper intimacy and passion for both of you.
Gourmet Plans
When you plan a special “gourmet” time, think of what you both would enjoy. One of you insisting on your own agenda might place demand or pressure on the other. Plan this event as you would plan other special events for the two of you. Plan the activities, the setting, and the accoutrements.
For example, you might want to make sure the bedroom is clean, scented candles are lighted, and music you have enjoyed together is playing in the background. Prepare your bodies. Be sure teeth are brushed and flossed. You might start by showering together. Satin sheets can be a fun addition. A makeup brush to pleasure each other can be used to increase sensuous awareness. There are endless options.
Regular Plans
A good old-fashioned, at-home sexual time will include the basics of getting to know each other through touch, talk, and teaching. Start with a time of sharing with each other what some of your favorite sexual times include.
Move from that time of talking to teaching each other. Have one of you sit in front of the other, guiding the other’s hands and communicating as you discover the touch that is most enjoyable (see Appendix 2). You can then delight in an extended time of taking turns caressing each other’s total bodies, starting on the back and moving to the front when both of you are ready.
End with the relaxation resulting from the touching, or you might decide to complete the sex act. As long as progressing to sex doesn’t feel like a demand to either of you, feel free, but don’t make it an expectation of your planned times together and be sure it is a mutual decision.
A Fabulous Formula
Years ago, based on our observations of what was lacking for couples who came to us for sexual therapy and what brought mutual sexual satisfaction into their lives, we created our “Formula for Intimacy.” Later, research about sex and the brain affirmed why this formula of daily hugs, kisses, and emotional and spiritual connection had a positive impact on couples’ sexual satisfaction.
Looking into each other’s eyes and hugging has been shown to release oxytocin,[24] a brain chemical associated with bonding. Kissing stimulates nerve endings on our lips, which sparks the release of dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is active in circuits in the brain associated with pleasure and reward, which means kissing can lead you to wanting more.
The fifteen minutes per day of connecting prescribed by our Formula for Intimacy includes eye-to-eye contact and a twenty-second hug to release the oxytocin, as well as the five- to thirty-second passionate kiss to stimulate a bit of dopamine spark.
We strongly encourage you to make a weekly time commitment for your marriage’s sexual intimacy. The benefits for couples are similar to the benefits for individuals who practice disciplines to grow in their relationship with God.
When a relationship with God is new, natural enthusiasm motivates desire to spend time with Him. But over time, we realize that we need intentional structure—time set aside to be with God—to grow and flourish spiritually. Likewise, to grow in intimacy in marriage, it will take the discipline of manageable time commitments.
If you take one positive step toward intentional connecting, we recommend you practice our Formula for Intimacy.[25] The most important part of the formula is the prescription for fifteen minutes of connecting emotionally, spiritually, and physically every day.
Follow it as you would medical advice, exactly in the order indicated, with the emotional connecting time coming first. You might want to buy a fifteen-minute sand timer to keep track of the time. Another idea is to use a devotional book or flip calendar for couples to encourage spiritual connection.
Formula for Intimacy
15 MINUTES A DAY TO:
- connect emotionally: look into each other’s eyes (^ oxytocin: trust hormone); share a positive thought, feeling and/or affirmation of the other.
- connect spiritually: share an inspirational reading and prayer.
- connect physically: hug for 20 seconds (^ oxytocin); kiss passionately for 5-30 seconds without leading to sex (^ dopamine: passion hormone)
ONE EVENING A WEEK: walk, date, shower, caress, no demands
ONE DAY A QUARTER: fun, play, lead and teach enjoyable touch
ONE WEEKEND A YEAR: together away or at home, no distractions
Penner & Penner
The next important component of our formula is your weekly time for connection. Decide together if you prefer to set a specific day and time for each week, or if you prefer to decide the day week by week. If you vary the day there is more risk of missing it, so commit to a time to choose the day.
You might schedule Sunday evening to look at your calendars and choose the day and time for the upcoming week. Decide together who will ensure that this meeting happens, and then during the meeting, agree about how you plan to use your weekly connection time.
If you have children, you will need to determine how you will manage them during your private time. You may have to be creative. Be sure to start your weekly time together at least an hour before you want to be asleep.
The quarterly day of connection and the yearly weekend are special times that will require additional planning. Just be sure you are realistic in your plans.
In addition to our observations and the brain research that explains why our recommendations for connecting actually make a positive difference, a study showed that scheduling sexual times helped women synchronize their sexual desire with that of their male partner. The study also indicated a boost in couples’ sexual satisfaction as a result of pre-planning. Meeting once a week for sexual connection was ideal for the maximum benefits. More than weekly wasn’t necessarily better.[26]
Planning ahead can lead you to greater enjoyment and more intimacy.
So don’t believe the myth that “scheduling” your sex life is boring! As you can see from our counseling experiences and from other studies, the opposite is true. Planning ahead can lead you to great enjoyment and more intimacy with your husband.
Prepare
As you plan for your sexual times together, you can also prepare for the best conditions during that time. Consider this as another step in anticipation of your special time together.
While sex with your husband will rarely be a “ten” because of the distractions of children, the energy drain of life, illness, relationship stress, and many other interruptions, you can create the best possible conditions given your situation and phase of life.
To make your time together the best it can be at the moment, consider the atmosphere and your attitude while also cultivating affection between the two of you.
Charles and Connie had started their marriage with sexual enthusiasm and a lot of fun and fulfillment for both of them. But because she needed to take an antibiotic and wasn’t aware that it could interfere with the effectiveness of her hormonal birth control, she became pregnant within the first six months of their marriage.
Nausea during pregnancy and adjustment to being parents interfered with the enjoyment they had experienced in those early months before pregnancy. They e-mailed us for help.
We suggested they do the following:
TALK TOGETHER AND JOT DOWN . . .
- When have you had your best times?
- What contributed to those times being better than other times?
- What is the best time of day for the two of you? Is it the morning or the evening? If one of you prefers morning and the other evening, maybe you can sneak home for a “nooner” or negotiate alternating morning times and evening times.
- How has the baby’s (or children’s) schedule affected your sexual times, and how might you work around or adapt that schedule?
- As you talk about when you have had your best times and what contributed to those, share the factors that were most important to each of you, and try to incorporate both of your perspectives.
Charles and Connie e-mailed back a detailed response to our suggestions. As they considered our suggestions, they realized that they had expected sex to just happen as it had before the pregnancy and childbirth.
They decided to make a few changes in the baby’s schedule and to plan for their times together. For them, it worked best to make a specific plan each week rather than a standard weekly plan. His work schedule was variable, so when he knew what the next week was going to entail, they planned to sit down together and decide on their sexual times for the week ahead.
This gave Connie time to think about and positively anticipate their planned rendezvous. She was able to give herself fully to the baby beforehand, which made it easier for her to shift to their time together. The baby was more content and she felt freer to enjoy herself sexually.
Women seem to respond more and be more affected than men—both positively and negatively—to various factors surrounding a sexual experience. Because of this, knowing and communicating the conditions that make sex best for you will make sex better for both of you.
There is no way your husband can know and prepare for, respond to, or respect your complex needs unless you inform him and also do your part to make sure those requirements are met.
As you prepare for your sexual times together, incorporate what you have learned as you discussed the previous bulleted questions. You might create a checklist together that you can refer to each time. Some requirements on the list may be higher priorities than others. Over time, you will likely discover new criteria and ideas to add to your list and, possibly, scratch others from your list.
As you make your list and prepare for your sexual times together, you’ll need to consider your privacy, the atmosphere, your attitude, and your affection for each other.
Ensure Privacy
Do attend to some commonsense practical solutions to counter interruptions and increase the passion and intimacy of your married sexual relationship.
- Put a lock on your bedroom door, and use that lock every time you engage in sexual play of any kind.
- Turn off the ringer phones and cell phones or put all phones and electronic devices out of the room.
- Pets also need to be out of the room and contained where they can’t be scratching or calling at the door.
- Children are a little more difficult to manage, but be creative so that for your good and theirs, you maintain privacy.
- Bring to the location anything you might want to use during your sexual time: lubricant, contraceptive, washcloth.
Create the Atmosphere
What settings do you both enjoy most or find are most conducive to a positive encounter?
You might decide you have the best times when you are away from home at a hotel or other setting. Since that requirement may not be financially or practically realistic, you can choose those ideal settings for your quarterly or yearly times of practicing our Formula for Intimacy.
Whatever the setting, vary it if possible. It is easy to resort to your bed and bedroom—and that may be your only option. If you have the house to yourselves, choose another room some of the time. If you have only one appropriate space to be together sexually, vary where and how you use that space. Let’s say it is your bedroom. You might put a comforter on the floor or change your location on the bed so your heads are at the side or the foot end of the bed.
Within the setting, prepare your environment. If it is important for either or both of you to have a space that is organized, prepare that ahead of time. Decide if you will clean up together, take turns, or if one of you will do that task. Do candles or music or scent help you relax or get in touch with your body or with each other? Do you like the room light, dark, or dimly lit? What kind of surface feels best on your skin? Cotton, flannel, satin, silky, fuzzy, or other? You might find a throw blanket in that texture that you can put down where you will be enjoying your time together.
Adjust Your Attitude
Prepare yourself mentally for your sexual times together. If your times are planned, you will have time to think about and visualize positive sexual interaction and then create that affirmative attitude and approach. To prepare yourself physically, also get in touch with your body and any internal sexual sensations. Practice the listening we discussed in Chapter 2.
Prepare yourself throughout the day by thinking about what you both enjoy. Create and encourage a sense of fun and mutual enjoyment.
Prepare yourself throughout the day.
What else do you need to enhance your positive anticipation of sex with your husband? It might be best if you had a power nap that day. Or maybe you feel best when you’ve taken a bubble bath, showered, or shaved your legs. What you need to support your positive attitude is unique. Don’t keep those needs a secret. Do it!
Include Affection
What kind of affection and connection do you need to be ready to open up sexually? Get to know yourself and take responsibility to create the opportunity for what you need. Instead of focusing on what your spouse could do to make sex better, do what you can do to make it good for you! If you make it good for you, it will likely be good for him.
Now that you know more about planning and preparing for sexual times with your husband, it’s time to focus on pleasure.