CHAPTER 5

PLEASURE

FOCUS ON PLEASURE rather than response. Passion in marriage will last only if the focus is on pleasurable touch—not on the goal of arousal, orgasm, or intercourse.

Yet it can be difficult to learn to enjoy the journey rather than pursue the goal. Orgasm is often seen as the ultimate measure of sexual success. So, many come to us desperate because they have not been able to “achieve” orgasm.

Since the orgasmic response is an involuntary reflex that is triggered when we are freely enjoying ourselves, getting adequate stimulation, and not watching whether it is “working,” setting orgasm as the goal actually interferes with that possibility.

It is so natural to want that response. And when it hasn’t come easily, it’s also easy to become focused on trying rather than on the enjoyment of the touch and the intensity of the good feelings.

When we talk about pleasuring, we are talking about giving and receiving touch in a way that is pleasant, relaxing, and feels nice to both spouses. You can learn to give and receive touch in a way that feels good to you and is positive for your husband.

How might you learn to take in touch and experience pleasure if that has not been an option or reality for you? You might start with learning to enjoy a warm bubble bath, or putting lotion on your body, or making an appointment for a therapeutic body massage or foot reflexology session—whatever pampering or nonsexual caress helps you soak in the sensation of touch.

After you learn to enjoy touch for your own body, you and your husband might take turns learning to give and receive touch.

New patterns of physical relating will be established as you each develop awareness of your own sensations and take responsibility to pursue your desires and communicate your needs, but not at the expense of the other.

Take time to learn about your own and each other’s bodies and about the type of touch you most enjoy. Openly communicate about yourselves and your sexual experience. If talking about sex doesn’t come easily, we find reading a book about sex aloud together can break barriers and provide the structure and tools you need to talk more freely. You may choose to read this book or another out loud together.

You might start learning to give and receive touch by giving each other a foot caress. If that goes well, try taking turns with giving back caresses. You might progress to total body caressing, but not including breast or genital stimulation.

Take time to learn about each other’s bodies.

Then add some more creative experiences, such as using any other part of your bodies, except your hands, to pleasure each other. Or you could have fun selecting objects of varying textures to try on the other’s back. See if each of you can guess what the objects are and then choose which you would like your spouse to use to pleasure your entire body.

As you begin to experiment with touch, familiarize yourself with the process of learning to soak in touch as both the receiver and pleasurer.

Receiving and Caressing: As both pleasurer and receiver, we must take responsibility for discovering, communicating, and going after our sexual feelings and desires, but not at the other’s expense. Demand on our spouse is reduced when we can count on each other to share from within, rather than expecting the other to produce a response in us. We can give our bodies to each other to enjoy, but we cannot produce in each other the involuntary responses of arousal and release. Following this principle, there are “job descriptions” for the receiver and the pleasurer.

Receiver: Your only task is to soak in the touch and to redirect the pleasurer when the touch is not pleasing. Express your concern if at any time you start to wonder whether your spouse is not enjoying himself or herself.

Pleasurer: Your task is to lovingly touch your spouse in a way that feels good to you, enjoying his or her body for your pleasure. Think of radiating warmth though your fingertips (or any other part of your body) and taking in the sensation of warmth and the pulsation of your spouse’s body. You might imagine that you are a blind person discovering your spouse through touch.

Encourage your spouse to redirect you if what you are doing is negative to him, and you do the same when he is pleasuring you. Express your concern if at any time you become anxious rather than enjoying your spouse’s body. Caress slowly. Take time to mesh, relax, and discover the kind of touch that feels good to both of you.[27]

If you can really believe that your sexuality was designed for your pleasure and fulfillment, not just your husband’s, then it will be easier for you to become comfortable in both giving and receiving touch. You will be able to focus on what is most fulfilling and pleasurable for you, even as you enjoy him and he enjoys you. As you learn to savor and enjoy the touch, you will both, inevitably, find great mutual fulfillment.

For more structured experiences in the giving and receiving of pleasure, the touching assignments in our book Restoring the Pleasure[28] provide opportunities for each of you to learn to enjoy each other’s bodies for your own pleasure through touching, and to soak in the pleasure when you are being touched.

We teach four techniques to slow the pace and soak in the touch:

1. Touch in circles rather than straight lines.
2. Move your hands with the contour of your spouse’s body rather than use a flat hand.
3. Keep his pace lagging slightly behind yours in both activity and intensity (in other words, you lead both in level of sexual activity and in the intensity of response).
4. Kiss passionately daily without it being an indicator of wanting sex or leading to sex.

Enjoy the Journey of Kissing

You’ll hear the emphasis on kissing in all of our writing and speaking. We believe that the passionate connection of kissing is vital for a fulfilling sex life. So spend some time thinking about your history and present situation with kissing.

What kissing experiences did you have in your growing-up years? Was there kissing in your dating history before you met your husband? If so, what was that like for you? Did you enjoy kissing passionately? Or did you avoid it? Or maybe you did it but didn’t like it?

What was your kissing history with your husband during dating and engagement? Was it passionate and enjoyable? If not, what was that about? If so, is that still true? If not, when did kissing change from positive to what it is now?

We find that kissing is the best indicator of how sex will be. If kissing is good, it’s likely that sex is good. When a couple is able to passionately kiss and feel the connection between their lips and their genitals internally, typically sex is going well also. If you are both enjoying passionate kissing, you have a solid base for giving and receiving pleasure through touch.

When a woman isn’t enjoying kissing, we’ve found there can be a number of reasons for this problem. It could be that she had uncomfortable sexual sensations stirred up with mouth-to-mouth kissing during childhood with a parent, grandparent, or other person. Or she may have had a negative experience in dating before she became connected with the person who is now her husband.

It may be that she never liked how her husband kissed, even in dating, but didn’t deal with that disconnect. It may be that she felt he always led and was too aggressive in his kissing, or that the kissing was too slobbery.

If kissing is good, it’s likely that sex is good.

It may be that kissing was passionate and enjoyable, but then she shut down on it to keep from going too far sexually before marriage. And now that she’s married, she hasn’t been able to turn it back on.

Some women develop a common pattern of kissing passionately only when they want to have sex. If they are not sure they want to have sex, they don’t kiss lest they “lead him on.” This is why passionate kissing without leading to sex is assigned as part of our Formula for Intimacy (page 40).

Whatever was true for you before can be rectified now—and needs to be—if you are going to have an abundant life of sexual pleasure. If you are not having any or very little passionate kissing now, you can start over and learn what is most pleasurable to both of you. Kissing is vital for the ongoing sexual relationship.

Sarah and Jerry came to us after ten years of marriage and little sexual enjoyment. As we talked, Sarah shared that she had not enjoyed kissing Jerry since sometime before they married.

As we learned their history, we discovered that kissing had so aroused Sarah early on that they had stopped kissing passionately to avoid going too far before marriage. They both expected that once they were married and could have sex, all of that passion would return.

Yet after three years of shutting off those feelings in an effort to control their actions before marriage, neither kissing nor sex were enjoyable for Sarah. She kept waiting for the passion she had felt originally.

Eventually she was able to back up and gradually learn to lead in the kissing without expecting the initial feelings of their kissing in dating. Instead, she accepted the closeness, tenderness, and comfort, and then started to enjoy the intimacy of the kissing. As the warmth of intimate kissing grew, the sexual enjoyment increased as well.

Missy and Bill came to us for premarital counseling. Missy’s difficulty with kissing was different; she had enjoyed kissing in other relationships, but didn’t like how Bill kissed. Because she felt uncomfortable sharing this with Bill, they had never discussed it.

She was able to share this when we met with her alone. Then we were able to bring it up with them together. Both wanted to work on finding a way to kiss that was good for her. It was important for her to lead and teach him how she liked to kiss. She liked less use of the tongue and less saliva.

When he became aware of her likes and dislikes and she lead him, they were able to enjoy kissing. She felt such a relief and found she actually loved kissing more than she ever had.

If kissing isn’t good for you, start by asking for a time when you can talk about it with your spouse. Follow the effective communication skills that you will find in the next chapter. Start with a statement about kissing that is an “I” statement, not a “you” statement. Here’s an example: “I’ve been reading this book and have realized that kissing has never been good for me. I’d like to work on it.” Then share what you have learned as you have read.

After that, you might suggest that the two of you experiment with kissing, with you leading and trying to get a sense of what might be good for you. Be sure not to expect that it will be warm and romantic, but more instructional and for the purpose of discovery and learning. You might add some fun. One couple used their tongues to pass a Life Saver candy back and forth between them.

You can also start practicing the daily fifteen-minute connecting time that ends with passionate kissing. Until kissing is positive for you, make sure you lead in the kissing and kiss for only as long as it remains positive. It may start with just warm lip-to-lip embrace for a few seconds, and then gradually increase in length and intensity. Once again, think of taking small steps as shown on the diagram on page 11.

One woman e-mailed us saying, “Thank you so, so much for your instruction on kissing. At the seminar, I told Roy for the first time that I had never enjoyed kissing. We determined to follow your guidance. It has been seven months of my gradually experimenting with what I like and don’t like. When he starts to take over and kiss me, we have a fun signal I give him that lets him know to stick with my level of involvement and intensity. Kissing has become fun, and we’ve even had moments of my being free to engage in full-mouth, intense kissing. I have gotten over my concern as to what I will do if he gets aroused. I keep reminding myself that you said he gets aroused every eighty to ninety minutes while he sleeps and nothing has to be done about those responses, so just enjoy. And we do!!”

If you love passionate kissing, that is great! Enjoy it regularly. Pucker up—kiss, kiss, and keep kissing!

As you experiment with kissing and touch, remember to enjoy the journey of pleasure and release the focus on the “destination.”