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CHAPTER 6

TALK

TALKING ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP with your husband is vital to keeping love, passion, and intimacy alive. Unfortunately, many couples haven’t learned to share openly with each other about sex.

If you grew up in a home where sex wasn’t talked about, you may have difficulty addressing sex topics. If you have tried talking and talking hasn’t helped, you may have given up. Maybe every attempt to talk about your sex life has led to so much conflict that you’ve never felt heard or made progress.

Ultimately, the goal will be for you and your husband to get comfortable discussing all aspects of the sexual experience: your body anatomy, your arousal and response, what goes on inside of your body, what you are aware of emotionally, your likes and dislikes, and what you need to enjoy your full potential together sexually.

Jon and Melissa contacted us after five years of marriage and many unsuccessful attempts at discussing their sexual differences. Jon believed that if he understood his wife’s view, he would be “giving in” to her. Melissa was convinced that Jon needed to see her side before she would be able to comprehend his view. Obviously, this was a tenacious impasse.

In this case, a third party (the two of us) was needed. We listened to each of their perspectives separately and clarified their viewpoints until each felt truly heard and understood. Following that, we met with them together. We told them we would start by presenting what we understood was Melissa’s viewpoint, and have her affirm or correct us as we did so.

Then we asked Jon to look his wife in the eyes and tell her what he now understood were her concerns, making clear his understanding did not indicate agreement, only care and understanding. Tears ran down Melissa’s cheeks as he spoke to her. She reached for his hand and thanked him.

After taking time to savor that new moment of realizing how his understanding affected both of them, Melissa was able to look Jon in the eyes and tell him what she understood as his perspective. Jon’s issues were based on deeper early childhood trauma, so our involvement was necessary for him to feel heard by her.

Start by reading a book about sex aloud together.

If you have difficulty talking about your sexual life as a couple, you may need to seek the help of a therapist, but not always. So start by reading this or another book about sex aloud together. Two of our books that couples find helpful are The Gift of Sex and The Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. Read a paragraph or short section and then discuss what you’ve read.

Make sure that you each share your reactions. First share your own reaction, and then have your husband repeat what he heard from you. After that, you should confirm or clarify your husband’s response to ensure there are no misunderstandings. Your husband can then share his reaction, and you will follow the same process of listening and responding.

Before you begin talking, create a setting without distractions. Turn to each other, make eye contact, and take turns sharing and listening.

When you are the one sharing, follow these guidelines:

When you are the listener, it’s important to:

Here’s our model for active listening and the specific steps for you to follow.

Communication Model. Message sent: Words, gestures, symbols, body language. Feedback: What receiver heard and saw, including emotional aspects. Clarify: Any unclear feedback.

Communication Format

For all communication, look into each other’s eyes to increase the brain chemical oxytocin, which builds trust and attachment; actively listen; and share honestly and openly with no sense of judgment.[29]

Step 1

  1. A. Each should think through or write what you would like to share on the topic to be discussed.
  2. B. To determine what you think, feel, or need, write whatever comes to your mind.
  3. C. Read your responses aloud to yourselves first. Then carefully choose and write the words you want to use to communicate most clearly to your spouse. Share these responses with your spouse. Decide who will share first. Since the model has the man sending the message first, that is how it will be written in the steps below.

Step 2

  1. A. While your husband is sharing, you are to put aside your thoughts and feelings about what he is sharing and about what you want to share on this topic.
  2. B. To increase listening ability, position your bodies so that you are facing each other. You may hold hands, but only if that is not distracting for either of you. Look at each other. As the listener, watch his expressions, feelings, and body language, and listen carefully to his words.
  3. C. Put into words what you heard him say and what you sensed he was feeling. You might try several different words to reflect your sense of what he communicated. Avoid labels, evaluations, or judgments.

Avoid:

Try This:

You make me the problem.

I sense you are affected by my . . . Say more about that.

That is always what you say.

I have heard that from you before, but let me make sure I understand you correctly.

That just isn’t true.

So you experience . . .

Step 3

  1. A. He needs to listen carefully to your reflection of his sharing. Continue to position yourselves so you have eye contact as you try to empathize with him and understand his perspective.
  2. B. Your husband either affirms that he communicated accurately and was heard correctly, or he clarifies, rephrases, or adds to his first message. If his words and gestures did not communicate the first time, he will try new words to share his thoughts and feelings.

Step 3 was difficult for Jon. Jon had a distant, cold, punitive mother who was unable to empathize with him. With that deep trauma, he could not “hear” Melissa’s care and empathy for him. Because of this, he needed therapeutic intervention.

Communication is complete when the message receiver has been able to put the message sender’s words and feelings into the receiver’s own words and the message sender has recognized the accuracy of the feedback. When you both agree that this process has been completed, reverse roles. The message sender will now be the receiver, and the message receiver will be the sender. Repeat steps 1, 2, and 3.

Go to http://www.wikihow.com/Actively-Listen for a helpful description of how to listen effectively and respond helpfully. Many couples are able to gain resolution through this process. But if you cannot, do seek outside help.

Topics to Discuss

God and Sex

Invite God into your sexual activities. Discuss any religious teaching or input you received about sex.

Your Ever-Changing Complexity

Since a woman is complex sexually and her responses vary, it is essential that you keep your husband informed about what’s going on with you in your particular situation at all times. There is no way he can keep up and know where you are in your body and emotions from one day to the next. Taking responsibility for communicating how you feel and what will and won’t work for you will greatly reduce his confusion and feelings of rejection. Such communication will also greatly reduce frustration for you, since you won’t feel as misunderstood by him.

Adaptations Needed Because of Life Changes

MENSTRUAL CYCLE

If you are menstruating, keep track of your cycle, especially noting when in your cycle you experience higher or lower levels of sexual desire. Keep your husband informed. Day one of your cycle is the day you start bleeding. The “Follicular Phase” of your cycle is the time from the start of your period until you ovulate. Estradiol, one form of estrogen (what we often refer to as the “happy hormone”), builds to its peak right before ovulation. (Ovulation is the time when you release an egg and can become pregnant.)

The “Luteal Phase” of your cycle, when your body creates high amounts of the hormone progesterone, starts after ovulation and continues until right before you start your next period. This is when many women experience irritability, cravings, bloating, and other PMS symptoms. There are good vitamin/mineral supplements to help reduce those symptoms.

Keep your husband informed.

If you are interested in more detail related to your personal menstruation chart and the impact of your hormones on you, a great resource is Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.[30] There are also several resources that can help you keep track of your cycle:

DURING PREGNANCY, AFTER CHILDBIRTH, AND DURING BREAST-FEEDING

At these times, women’s bodies change significantly. Each woman is different and sometimes each pregnancy is different. It will take time to understand what is going on for you; it certainly will take communication with your husband for him to ride these changes with you. You will need to be kind and patient with yourself and with him.

THE YEARS WITH CHILDREN IN THE HOME

Having kids affects a couple’s sex life significantly. If you didn’t schedule sexual times for the two of you before you had children, you certainly will need to after your first child comes along.

MENOPAUSAL CHANGES

These changes usually start slowly and can be subtle—and therefore confusing. The changes that affect sex are the thinning of the vaginal wall, decreased vaginal lubrication, and vaginal atrophy.[31] You will experience less change if you continue to have sexual intercourse and exercise your pelvic floor muscles and/or enlist the help of a pelvic floor physical therapist.

As you are going through menopause and experiencing any of these life changes that affect you sexually, acknowledge your apprehensions and discomforts, but don’t complain before, during, or after sex. Rather, set aside times to talk about it and work out together how best to adapt and make sex the best it can be, given the reality of your situation.

Work out together how best to adapt.

Your Likes and Dislikes

Like many women, you may wonder how to share your sexual likes and dislikes with your husband. It is often easier to address these sensitive issues when you have a questionnaire to complete and share with each other. You might answer these questions and then share them with each other using our communication format described earlier in this chapter.

How I View Our Sexual Experiences: My Likes and Dislikes

I rate my sexual satisfaction as _____ on a scale of 1 to 5.

My satisfaction would increase if I could _____

 

I would like to contribute to our sex life by _____

 

I estimate that we have sex about _____ times per _____

I would like to have sex _____ times per_____

I think you would like to have sex _____ times per _____

I think I initiate _____ percent of the time.

I think you initiate _____ percent of the time.

I would like to make the following changes in our initiation pattern:

 

 

The activities I enjoy most during our sexual times are: _____

 

 

 

The activities I think you would enjoy that I don’t are: _____

 

 

Answering these questions separately and taking turns sharing your answers using our communication format gives you both a chance to express yourselves. Hopefully you also will feel that you’ve been listened to and understood. Remember, repeating and clarifying your spouse’s message is not the same as agreeing with it. Agreement isn’t necessary; the goals are to feel heard and understood, and to find a solution that works for both of you.

We’ve found in counseling that there are a few questions commonly asked by women concerning likes and dislikes. Here’s some general guidance concerning two particular questions and how to talk to your husband about these topics.

Q: “What is a good way to communicate to my husband that I want him to do something different than he is doing with me during sex? How do I talk to him without making him feel inadequate?”

A: To let your husband know if you would like him to do something differently—and with any communication that might be confrontational—we recommend using the SET approach.

S for Support: Express how much you care for him; share the general positive aspects of your sex life and about him as a lover.

E for Empathy: Try to put into words what you think he is feeling or thinking about what you hope to share. For example, clitoral stimulation often needs to be corrected, so you might say, “I know when you are stimulating me genitally I get aroused, so it makes sense that you would keep doing that. It probably feels good to you and seems like it feels good to me.”

T for the Truth: Then share your truth with warmth and without criticism. For example, you might say, “But the truth is, I would love it if you moved away to my inner thigh, and we spent some time kissing. Then it would be great if you went back to my genitals and maybe touched along the sides rather than directly on the head of the clitoris. But I know we may need to experiment with how I might guide you at the time, because I do change what feels good as I get more aroused.”

Q: “My husband loves oral sex, but it grosses me out. Is there a way I can overcome my disgust?”

A: If your husband enjoys a sexual activity and you don’t, start by letting him know what you assume. So you might say, “I assume from what I have heard from you that you would really like to engage in oral sex.”

Then express your concern about that: “I feel badly that I don’t enjoy oral sex. In fact, it is so negative for me that I actually can’t do it. What I can do is ________.” Or “It isn’t negative for me; I just feel shy or uncomfortable doing it. I would be willing to learn and start with small steps. Maybe you could just give me a little momentary kiss/peck on my genitals and then I do the same on your penis.”

Or you might have conditions such as, “I would need our genitals to be freshly washed and maybe we put something on them that is edible and tastes good.”

After you share your thoughts, listen to his viewpoint. And then reflect his viewpoint and clarify it if necessary. Talk about it until you come to an agreement on how you will proceed.

Some men do make sexual activity requests that we believe are not healthy or do not meet biblical principles for sex in marriage. Three of these are anal sex, pornography use alone or together, and having others participate in sex with the two of you. As you learn to communicate about sex, it might be good to review these guiding principles concerning sexual activities in marriage.

GUIDING PRINCIPLES FOR RIGHT AND WRONG MARITAL SEXUAL ACTIVITIES

  1. It must be an expression of love and not self-serving.
  2. It must be mutual—as good for one as it is for the other.
  3. The activity must draw you closer and build intimacy (biblically, sex is about “becoming one”).
  4. It doesn’t interfere with your relationship with God or any biblical teaching.
  5. Go with the most conservative spouse (in this case, the one who doesn’t feel comfortable with oral sex), but that spouse must be willing to try to understand the needs and desires of the other.

In addition to sharing likes and dislikes, it’s helpful to decide on prearranged signals that you and your husband might use during sex to invite touch, to change to a different body part, and to increase or decrease the intensity or firmness of the touch.

Use of a prearranged signal is particularly important for a woman who has suffered sexual trauma or if a sexual activity is particularly negative for her. For example, if you experience flashbacks of a violation, arrange with your husband that you will tap him on the shoulder or tug on his earlobe if a sexual activity is triggering you. That signal will let him know that you need him to change what he is doing.

Sometimes it’s difficult for a woman to communicate what she likes because of her complexity. She might not really know what she likes until she is into the feelings of the experience. Communicating ways to signal during sex helps her husband enjoy her body and know what she likes. Both you and your husband will be more relaxed and free if you have talked about a way to address this.

If you’re not sure what type of touch you will like on any given day, talk to your husband about guiding his hand to a part of your body that would feel good to you.

Keep talking, and even more important, keep listening. Enjoy!