9:21 A.M.
Start jerking off to the bonus gangbang on Cum Guzzlers DVD left in DVD player from last night.
9:24 A.M.
About to shoot my wad, flip the TV to a TiVoed episode of The View I keep for just this purpose and get supreme satisfaction in imagining what any of the bitches from this show would think if they knew I just blew a load into a dirty pair of underwear while watching their program.
9:25 A.M.
Watch MTV for an hour even though I’ve already seen everything aired in that hour.
10:25 A.M.
Try in vain to crack the top ten online scores for Mutant Storm Reloaded in the Xbox 360 Arcade.
11:16 A.M.
Take good shit.
11:22 A.M.
Try Mutant Storm Reloaded again. Quit after getting blown up on level sixty-four.
12:36 P.M.
Check e-mail. Take opportunity while online to download some porn. Best of seventeen downloads is a 1:15 clip with sound called pussstretch.mpg in which a woman inserts a vibrating dildo into her cunt while a guy fucks her from behind at the same time. Loop it on my Windows Media Player and jerk off.
12:50 P.M.
Put on clothes and walk to the LA Fitness in Westwood. Think about the first time I fucked a mulatto girl named Mary Cook as I walk.
1:04 P.M.
Flirt with hot bitch behind the desk at the gym. Imagine fucking her in the whirlpool next to the women’s dressing room.
1:06 P.M.
Hate lifting weights.
2:18 P.M.
Walk to Quiznos. Flirt with hot college bitch while she makes my foot-long Italian on white. Imagine fucking her with her ass in the lettuce bin. Smile at three hot sorority bitches sitting at a table in the back while I eat.
2:33 P.M.
Pass another hot college bitch on my walk back home.
Say hi to her. Think about what it would be like to fuck her in my shower. Consider asking her if she’d like to fuck—no strings.
2:46 P.M.
Take off clothes in preparation for shower. Jerk off standing up over the crapper thinking about fucking Alyna, the girl on the plane, doggie style. Blow load in toilet.
2:52 P.M.
Take shower. Wonder what Casey’s doing. Think about Casey fingering herself. Want a blow job. Wish I was still in college. Regret missed opportunities.
3:02 P.M.
Think about getting a haircut. Wonder who will be the next Nirvana. Remind myself that one day the sun will destroy this planet so nothing really matters.
3:03 P.M.
Lie in bed. Catch a faint whiff of Casey’s pussy in my sheets. Realize the cunt smell is actually on my face. Take a deep breath.
3:05 P.M.
Check empty mailbox.
3:06 P.M.
Watch an old episode of Martin in which Snoop Dogg guest stars as himself and throws a house party in Pam’s apartment. Martin and Gina are too busy arguing to make it to the party on time. When they finally get there, all they find is a note left by Pam, Tommy, and Cole explaining that they all went with Snoop to an after-party on his pimp jet.
3:31 P.M.
Feel balls for lumps.
3:32 P.M.
Get a hard-on. Jerk off to a disintegrated VHS copy of Beautiful Black Fuckers. Blow load to memory of Mary Cook in the sixty-nine.
3:38 P.M.
Hook up the 8-bit Nintendo. Start to play Contra. Get bored. Really want to play Super Mario Bros. but can’t find the cartridge. Turn my room upside down looking for it.
3:47 P.M.
Find Footloose cassette I received from Lisa Franklin for fifth-grade birthday. Wonder what happened to Lisa. Imagine what she looks like now. Imagine titty-fucking her adult version. Think better of it. Imagine fucking her doggie style.
3:48 P.M.
Play Footloose cassette. Imagine being back in the fifth grade. Wonder if anybody was fucking in the fifth grade. Wonder if I could have even gotten a hard-on in fifth grade. Try to remember the first time I got a hard-on. Can’t.
3:50 P.M.
Think about the girls I could have fucked in junior high.
3:53 P.M.
Think about the girls I could have fucked in high school.
3:57 P.M.
Think of all the hot bitches from high school that I never fucked who are now married. Wonder if I’ll ever fuck a bitch who’s unbelievably hot.
3:59 P.M.
Wish I was famous.
4:00 P.M.
Wish I was rich.
4:01 P.M.
Decide not to make bed again. Check eBay for Street Fighter II arcade game. Bid $10.00 on 1983 child’s-size medium Skeletor Halloween costume. Bid $12.50 on Hypercolor “like new” size large T-shirt. Bid $2.00 on naked lady lighter.
4:17 P.M.
Log on to World of Warcraft Proudmoore server and play my Tauren Hunter. Farm gold in Burning Steppes because there’s nothing else to do.
8:34 P.M.
Lose connection to server. Get call from Casey. Receive command to go to her house.
9:06 P.M.
Get to Casey’s house. Force her to watch UFC Unleashed with me. Want to fuck the round card bitch.
10:01 P.M.
Watch the news. Want to fuck the news bitch. Look at Casey. Wish she had tits like the news bitch.
10:37 P.M.
Wonder if any bitch actually really likes to be titty-fucked. Probably.
10:40 P.M.
Take off my clothes and go into Casey’s bedroom.
10:42 P.M.
Lie in Casey’s bed naked. Watch MTV. Seen it all this morning. Watch it anyway.
11:00 P.M.
Watch Leno/Letterman.
12:30 A.M.
Watch Conan/Kimmel.
1:07 A.M.
Get head.
1:16 A.M.
Wish Casey was the round card bitch from UFC while I fuck her.
1:32 A.M.
Bullshit way through overly emotional post sex conversation about future of relationship while trying to stay awake. Hope for memory of conversation to stick in case she ever references it again.
1:48 A.M.
Hear I love you, say I love you.
1:52 A.M.
Welcome dreamless sleep.