I have one gay friend. His name’s Carlos and I’ve known him since college. We eat lunch every Saturday at the California Pizza Kitchen in the Beverly Center.
It’s just such a Saturday and I’m sitting on a bench outside CPK flipping through an LA Weekly waiting for Carlos to show up. This girl sits down next to me and I notice she’s hot as fuck. I further notice that she’s more than just hot as fuck. She has some quality that makes me think I could live with her. She smiles at me.
I say, “How’re you doing?”
“Fine.”
I almost get in another sentence when Carlos shows up and says, “So you ready to have lunch with your favorite cocksucker?”
I want to explain to this girl that I’m not gay, that Carlos is just my gay friend, but she’s already laughing and I notice that her tits are a little saggy. So I just get up and follow Carlos into CPK.
We sit down, order the same shit we always do, and Carlos starts up a conversation that’s pretty much identical to a million we’ve had before. He wants to be an agent, but not at Paradigm, where he’s currently an assistant. He always gets crushes on straight masculine guys. He’s never going to find a fag who’s masculine enough to satisfy him. And he rounds it out with some other shit about life not going the way he wants it to.
As the waiter walks away from the table after setting down our drinks, the following conversation takes place:
Carlos says, “I’d like him to plow my ass like a cabbage field.”
“Tell him that the next time he comes over and see if it works.”
“Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time.”
“What? You’ve just come out and told some guy that you want him to ‘plow your ass’ and then you go do it?”
“Yep.”
“I don’t fucking believe that.”
“It’s not the same as how you poor cunt-lickers have to deal with women. Think about it. If a woman came up to you and said she wanted to fuck your cock till it broke, you’d go home with her in a heartbeat, right?”
“Yeah.”
“But a woman would never be that honest and no guy can say anything even close to honest to a woman if he ever wants to get laid. But if you just get rid of all that woman shit, all you’ve got left is two guys who want to fuck and have no problem telling each other as much.”
“So in a bar you just go up to a guy and say, ‘Let’s fuck,’ and within fifteen minutes you’re back at one of your places fucking?”
“Not exactly. This is where the whole woman thing has its benefits. Once you straight assholes know there’s going to be fucking, there’s never any question about who’s fucking and who’s getting fucked. With two faggots, that’s the only question. Usually before you even bring up the possibility of fucking, you ask, ‘Are you a top or a bottom?’”
“What’re you?”
“I’m a bottom all the way.”
“So you let guys fuck you in the ass?”
“I beg them to. It’s the only way I can cum.”
“So you don’t ever actually put your dick in anything? You don’t even like getting your dick sucked?”
“I tried it once, but couldn’t finish. I suck dick and take it up the ass and that’s all I do.”
“You must be pretty popular.”
“Please, ninety percent of the faggots on this planet are bottom boys and most of ’em are far better looking than me.”
“So most gay guys don’t like to fuck, they want to be fucked?”
“Think about it, if we wanted to put our dicks in a hole, we could just get a girl. Speaking of, how’re you and Casey doing?”
“Same old bullshit.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s just…the same.”
“I guess that’s better than bad. Is she still doing Groundlings?”
“Yeah.”
“You know, I met some guy at a party last week who said he was in Groundlings. I offered to suck his cock, but he was a complete bottom, too. That’s usually how it works.”
“So what happens with two bottoms?”
“The same thing that would happen if you met a girl who told you the only way she could get off was to strap on a dildo and fuck you in the ass and she would never suck your cock or let you fuck her…you never talk to each other again. Unless, of course, you’re both drunk and horny and no other prospects are shaping up. Then you go home together, try to fuck each other with limp dicks, and then get out the dildos.”
“So you use dildos on other guys instead of your own dicks?”
“I’m a fucking bottom, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
The waiter hears that last bit before he sets down our lunch. I think I see him flash Carlos a smile before leaving.
The rest of the lunch conversation is less interesting, mostly about Reese Witherspoon’s movies and mostly coming from Carlos. When we get the check there’s another piece of paper with it that Carlos picks up, reads, and then shows me.
It reads, “I would love to plow your tight ass,” followed by a number.