I wake up, take a shower, and realize I’m supposed to be eating lunch with my gay buddy Carlos in thirty minutes.
Forty-five minutes later, I walk into the Beverly Center California Pizza Kitchen to see Carlos sitting by himself and pissed off.
He says, “Where the fuck have you been, you little asshole?”
“I was tired. I forgot.”
“You fucking forgot. You ungrateful piece of shit.”
“Sorry.”
“Well, now you have to buy my lunch because you’re a fucker.”
“Sure.”
We get seated and look at the menus for no reason.
“Hey, see those two guys over there?” He looks in the direction of two guys in their late thirties sitting at a small table in the back. One of them is wearing a shirt with pink letters that read NAUGHTY BOY.
I say, “Yeah.”
“The one with the brown hair has the smallest dick I’ve ever sucked. So what in the hell have you been up to besides making me wait to eat lunch when I’m fucking starving?”
“I had that date last night.”
“Oh, right, that bitch you met in the video game store. And Casey doesn’t know a thing?”
“Right.”
“Well, how did it go? Did you at least get blown?”
“I thought it went pretty well until the end. She invited herself back to my house—”
“Wow, so you definitely got blown. You probably fucked her.”
“I didn’t get blown or fuck her. She kissed me and then said she had a boyfriend and had to leave.”
“That little bitch. But seriously, that doesn’t sound too bad. At least all she did was kiss you and at least all she had was a fucking boyfriend. I’ve been on my knees with cum dribbling out of my ass and down my chin and had some son of a bitch tell me he was married with kids. Try that one on for size.”
“I just don’t get why she even went out with me in the first place.”
“Who the fuck knows? Women can be complete cunts. At least with guys you know they always go out with you to fuck you, plain and simple. That’s why you went out with her, right?”
“Yeah. For the most part.”
“What other part is there?”
“I don’t know. None, I guess.”
“Listen. It’s better it ended up this way. I mean, Casey would’ve eventually found out about this thing if it had gone on for very long.”
“I know.”
“So count your blessings. You got to go on a date with a hot piece of ass and you still get to keep your girlfriend.”
I almost wish I had answered the phone when Casey called the first time. I almost wish I had let her hear Alyna in the background. I wish I had the balls to call Casey right now and tell her I fucked some drunk bitch in the ass at her Groundlings party while posing as her teacher. I almost wish she wasn’t my girlfriend.
The waiter comes to our table and we order the same things we always order and strike up the same conversations about the same things we always talk about for the rest of lunch. After an hour we leave.
When I get home, I put in the Tori Amos CD that I bought from Alyna and jerk off.