After downloading some double-dong lesbian pornography I check my e-mail. In my inbox is a message from Caligurrl669 with the following as a subject heading: “Saw you on match.com and thought you looked cute.”
Despite having numerous profiles on different Internet personals sites for almost a year, this is the first e-mail response I’ve ever received. I open it.
Caligurrl669 tells me that she thinks I look like Eric Stoltz, who is one of her favorite actors. She recently moved to Los Angeles from Ohio to become an actress. She loves the Cure and the Smiths. She doesn’t consider herself religious, but she is very spiritual. She has a dog and wants to know if I like animals. The last guy she dated was really into pro wrestling. She wasn’t. She wants to know if I’m really into pro wrestling. She signs the e-mail with a smiley face and a link to her profile. I check the link.
Caligurrl669 is a little chubbier than I imagined from her e-mail, but not fat. Her tits are a little smaller than I imagined, but not bad. Her face is acceptable.
I wonder if Caligurrl669 sucks dick on the first date. I wonder if shes likes anal sex. I wonder if Caligurrl669 is actually a guy trying to lure me into showing up somewhere so he can beat the shit out of me and take whatever cash I brought.
I respond with the following message:
Caligurrl669—
I only set up dates with girls who send me nude photos of themselves accompanied by detailed descriptions of how they perform fellatio. To further pique my interest you might want to do something in the photos that lets me know you have a unique talent, you know, something to separate you from the crowd. I look forward to your response.
Caligurrl669 probably won’t ever write me again and that doesn’t bother me. But then again, she might.