I’m at a bar with Todd. He’s drunk and reacting to the story about Casey being forced to admit that she wasn’t pregnant.
He says, “Holy shit, dude, that is some good-ass shit. It makes sense, too, that one night she was all over you, trying to suck your cock and shit in the car. She wanted you to fucking drop some seed in her hole so she could get pregnant and make her lie true. Dude, you’re fucking lucky to be done with that crazy bitch. Here’s to being done with crazy bitches.”
He raises the pitcher of beer he’s drinking from and we toast to being done with crazy bitches.
He nods in the direction of a girl and her less attractive friend in our vicinity and says, “See that hot bitch over there?”
I say, “Yeah.”
Todd says, “I wanna try out a new technique I read about on the Internet. But I need your help.”
I say, “What do I have to do?”
Todd says, “Pretend I’m gay.”
I say, “What?”
Todd says, “Dude, just do it,” and then walks over to the girls, points at me, and says with an overly affected gay lisp, “See my friend over there? We have a bet and I was wondering if you guys would come over and help us settle it.”
Hot girl says, “Sure.”
Less attractive girl says, “Okay,” and they both come over.
Todd says, “So here’s the deal. I’m gay.”
Hot girl says, “Okay,” just as confused as I am by this point.
Todd says, “My friend here seems to think that no man is ‘too gay’ to be aroused by a hot woman, which we have a ten-dollar wager on. Now I know this is a weird request, but to help us settle the bet, I was wondering if you’d be interested in trying to, you know, arouse me.”
Even as I hear the words come out of his mouth, I can’t believe he’s saying them. I’ve known Todd to use some extreme measures in the past, but this is by far the most insane I’ve ever seen him. I’m ready to witness a drink getting thrown in his face, a slap, a bouncer tossing him out when she starts screaming rape, but instead she smiles and says, “And you’re gay, right?”
Todd says, “Queer as a three-dollar bill, honey,” with his thickest gay lisp yet.
She says, “All I have to do is get you hard?”
Less attractive girl says, “This is nuts,” but in an encouraging way.
Todd says, “You won’t be able to, but yeah, that’s the bet.”
She says, “And I can do anything I want to you?”
Todd says, “Well, within reason. I mean, we are in a bar here.”
She gives her drink to her friend and says, “Okay.”
What I witness in the minutes that follow makes me want to cry.
She puts her hand under Todd’s shirt and bites his ear, then takes a step back and looks at him.
Todd says, “Nothing.”
She gives him a fourteen-second tongue kiss while pressing her B cups against him, then steps back and looks at his crotch, which gives no conclusive proof one way or the other.
Todd says, “Still nothing.”
She says, “Are you sure? Not even a little bit?”
Todd says, “Limp as a noodle.”
She musters up her strength for one more attack. She leans in close to Todd’s ear, whispers something, and then puts her hand down the front of his pants and starts jerking him off right in front of me and her less attractive friend, who seems to be more entertained by the show than even Todd is as she says, “Yeah, get that thing,” and takes another drink of her Long Island iced tea.
After what I estimate to be a minute and a half of solid tugging at Todd’s cock with the hot girl saying, “It feels hard, is that it?” and Todd saying things like, “It’s not totally hard. That doesn’t really count,” she finally says, “That’s a hard-on,” and pulls her hand out of Todd’s pants.
The hot girl then puts her hands in the air in victory and says something like, “Whoo-hooo! I gave a fag a boner,” then to me, “Looks like you win ten bucks.”
Later that night at Alyna’s apartment, she refuses to believe me as I recount the night’s events to her, which sound too fantastical to be real even to me as I say them. Her main problem with the story’s plausibility is Todd’s ability to suppress an erection when a hot girl is kissing him and rubbing his chest and eventually jerking him off for well over a minute.
I offer that the girl might have been drunk enough to take Todd’s word that he didn’t have a full erection or Todd might actually have some kind of superhuman erection-suppressing ability.
Alyna asks me how long I think I could suppress a hard-on if a hot girl was tugging at my cock. She then gives me a hand job and I suppress my erection for twelve seconds.