CHAPTER TWO
SETTING SAIL
While sitting on the toilet, Jason thinks and PTTTHHHBBBS! He wonders and he PFFFTS!
He is not sure how he will get the fleece back. Colchis is far, far away.
There will be dangers. PFFFT!
Maybe monsters. PTTTHHH!
All the thinking and wondering about such things only upsets his stomach further.
PFFFTTTHHHBBBSSS!
Our hero will need help with his quest, so he sends for his friends. They are some of the greatest heroes in all of Greece.
First, Hercules arrives. He is the strongest man alive, and he likes to brag about it. As he struts down the streets of Iolcus, he puffs out his chest and flexes his biceps.
“I am the mighty Hercules!” he boasts.
Next comes Theseus, who is a bit clumsy. As he walks down the streets of Iolcus, he trips and SPLATS! He falls face-first into a pile of manure.
“Who pooped in the middle of the road?” Theseus moans. He licks his lips. “Tastes like cow. Or horse! Yes, definitely horse.”
Then Perseus shows up. He is often forgetful. As he walks down the street, he looks down at his pants.
Did I change my underwear today? he wonders.
Lastly, his friend Odysseus arrives. He thinks he is supersmart. He rows into the city’s harbor in a tiny boat and ties his craft to the dock.
“I brought a ship!” he says, and then he pulls out a sheet of toilet paper with some writing on it. “And a map!”
“That looks more like a dingy than a ship,” Theseus says.
“Yeah, it’s pretty small,” Perseus adds.
“Do you think we’ll all fit?” Hercules wonders aloud.
“I call the stern!” Jason shouts as he jumps into the back of the boat.
He grabs the rudder while his friends each grab an oar.
“Row!” Jason shouts at his friends.
They pull on the oars, and the boat lurches forward.
“Row!” Jason repeats.
His friends swing the oars forward and pull again.
“Row your boat!” Jason sings.
The heroes are off to Colchis. But they are also hoping to have some fun along the way.
“We are bound to have exciting adventures,” Odysseus says.
“I hope we find monsters to slay,” Theseus adds.
“And beasts to battle,” Odysseus says.
“I will slay more monsters and battle more beasts than all of you!” Hercules brags.
The thought of monsters and beasts only makes Jason’s stomach rumble and grumble.
Jason is thankful that he is sitting at the back of the boat when he starts to PFFFT! and PTTTHHHB!
* * *
For days, the heroes row on. At one point, they sail near an island. A cyclops stands atop the island’s highest peak and hurls boulders at them.
SPLOOSH!
“Let’s go battle him!” Theseus says.
SPLASH!
“I could use the exercise,” Hercules says, flexing his biceps.
SPLUSH!
As Jason feels the gurgling in his stomach, he steers the ship away from the island with a PTTTHHHB!
“Our quest is to get the fleece,” Jason says. “Not battle a cyclops.”
Another time, they sail past a rocky shore where a group of Amazons stand. These warrior women hit their spears against their shields. CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!
“Come fight us?” one shouts.
“We won’t hurt you too badly,” another yells out.
“Are you heroes?” yet another calls. “Or are you zeroes?”
Jason’s friends turn to him. He feels his stomach begin to gurgle, and a little PFFT! sneaks out. He is not sure if he is more afraid of the Amazons CLANKING their shields or his friends glaring at him.
“Our quest is to get the fleece,” Jason says. “Not battle Amazons.”
“But they are challenging us,” Theseus points out.
“I’m not a zero,” Perseus pouts.
“Can’t that smelly fleece wait?” Odysseus wonders aloud.
But Jason steers past the rocky shore. The heroes sail by roaring monsters and howling beasts. They sail around islands of armored warriors and a land full of giant scorpions.
“This is sooOOOooOOoo boring,” Hercules whines.