CHAPTER THREE

FOOD FIGHT!

Finally, Jason sees land up ahead with no raging beasts or scary monsters.

“Where are we?” Jason asks. “I see a castle atop that hill.”

“This is the kingdom of Salmydessus,” Odysseus says, looking at his map. “And that’s where King Phineas lives.”

“Let’s go see if we can get some supplies from him,” Jason says. “Our stores of food and water are running low.”

“And Hercules used the last of the toilet paper two days ago,” Theseus says.

“Yeah, I’ve had to use Odysseus’ map to wipe,” Perseus adds. “Twice.”

“EEEWWWW!” Odysseus groans, sniffing his map.

Jason and his friends tie the boat up to a dock. Then they march up the hill toward the castles.

What they find surprises them. The castle is in ruins. Windows are shattered. Holes have been punched through the roof. Stones crumble away from the walls.

Inside, things are even worse. Smashed furniture is scattered across the floor. Paintings are ripped to shreds. Streaks of dirt cover the walls and floor and ceiling.

“And what’s that smell?” Odysseus asks.

“It smells worse than Jason after chili night,” Theseus adds.

“That’s not my fault! You need stop adding dragon’s breath peppers to it,” Jason says.

“Yeah,” Perseus adds. “It feels like I’m farting fire after eating one of those.”

The heroes continue to explore. They do not find King Phineas until entering the dining hall. Here, the mess is the worst. Piles of rotting, smelly, fly-infested food lie everywhere.

“Is anyone here?” Jason asks.

“Wh-wh-who’s there?” a squeaky voice replies. An elderly man pokes his head out from under a table.

“King Phineas, is that you?” Jason asks.

“It is,” the king says. “And who are you?”

Jason quickly introduces himself and his hero friends.

“We are on our way to Colchis to get my father’s fleece,” Jason adds.

“But what happened here?” Perseus asks.

“Your castle is a pigsty!” Hercules says.

“Worse,” Odysseus says. “Pigs would be embarrassed to live here.”

“It’s because of the harpies,” the king says.

“Harpies?” Jason asks.

“Yes, I invited them to dinner,” the king exclaims. “And they won’t leave. What’s worse, those foul bird ladies have horrible manners.”

Just then, the dinner bell sounds.

DING! DONG! DING!

“Oh no,” the king says, ducking back under the table. “They’re back for seconds.”

A moment later, servants enter with trays of food. All of it is set out on some tables.

“It looks like a feast,” Perseus says.

“Let’s eat!” Hercules shouts.

“Wait,” Jason says as screams are heard in the distance. “What about the harpies?”

A flock of harpies flies through the holes in the roof. They have the bodies of birds and the heads of women. Landing on the tables, they start digging in with their talons. Food flies everywhere.

“They are ruining supper!” Theseus shouts.

Just then, one of the harpies grabs a lump of mashes potatoes. She flings it at our heroes, smacking Odysseus in the face.

“Hey!” he shouts.

Then a watermelon lands on Hercules’ head.

SPLAT!

Theseus is pelted with grapes.

A bowl of gravy gets dumped all over Perseus.

“Food fight!” Jason shouts.

He grabs a bottle of ketchup. Squeezing it, he sprays one of the harpies.

“EEEKKK!” she screeches.

A harpy grabs a talonful of carrots and flings them at Jason. He ducks behind a table, and they THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! into the wood.

Odysseus grabs a bottle of mustard. He sprays another one of the harpies.

“AAAKKK!” she screeches.

A harpy flies toward the heroes, trying to claw at them with her talons. But Perseus grabs a bottle of mayonnaise and sprays her in the face. She crashes into a table.

One harpy picks up a whole bowl of beef stew. She dumps it on Hercules’ head. So he grabs bowl of dragon’s breath peppers and starts winging them at her. They burst into flames as they hit the wall.

Back and forth they fight. The heroes squirt condiments at the harpies. The harpies fling mashed potatoes and vegetables back at the heroes.

Finally, when all the food has been ruined, the harpies let loose one final SCREEECH!

Then the harpies all fly up through the holes in the roof.

“What have you done?!” King Phineas yells at the heroes.

“We saved you from the harpies,” Jason says.

“But look at this mess,” the king says.

Soup pools on the floor. Lumps of mashed potatoes drip down the walls. The ceiling is covered in streaks of ketchup and mustard.

“You made a worse mess then those hags,” the king yells. He picks up a broom and chases the heroes out of the castle.

“Get out! Get out!” he screams.

The heroes race back to their boat. As they shove off, Jason yells, “This why we should never stop for adventure!”

Then he lets loose a long, loud FFFTTTHHHBBB!