CHAPTER FIVE
INTO THE DRAGON’S NOSTRILS
“You will find the fleece in there,” King Aeetes says, pointing to a strange-looking cave.
“But where is the dragon that guards the fleece?” Jason asks.
“Oh, I made that up,” Aeetes says with a wink.
Inside the cavern, greenish stalagmites rise up from the ground. Oozing stalactites hang from the ceiling. A river of thick yellow goo flows from deep within. And a warm, stanky wind rushes out.
As Jason stands before the entrance, Medea walks over to him. She hands him a small package, so nobody else will see.
“You’ll need this to get out once you find the fleece,” Medea whispers.
“Thanks,” Jason says, and then he enters the cave. A long tunnel leads into the dark.
From above, yellowish-green slime DRIP DRIP DROPS onto the ground.
Jason walks through puddles of the sticky ooze. At one point, his left boot is pulled off with a SMUCK! and sticks in the goo. Then his right boot is yanked off.
He walks through the cave with hot, sticky ooze SQUISHING between his toes.
The farther he walks, the hotter the air gets. He starts to sweat.
Then the tunnel opens into a large cavern.
Jason looks around. He is amazed at what he sees—and also slightly disgusted.
Red veins cover the walls. The floor is covered in yellow muck, so thick he can hardly walk. Above him hangs a pinkish-gray mass about the size of his rowboat. It dangles from more of the red veins.
Jason is about to reach up to touch it, when he spies the object of his quest. On the far wall hangs his father’s fleece.
Jason runs over and pulls it down.
“Ew, it does smell totally funky!” He coughs as he pulls it over his shoulders.
Jason turns to leave, but he is stuck in the muck covering the floor. That is when he remembers the package Medea gave him.
He opens it to find a glowing red pepper. It almost looks as if it were on fire.
“A dragon’s breath pepper,” Jason whispers.
Jason winds up. He tosses the pepper up at the gray mass hanging from the ceiling.
The pepper explodes in a ball of flame. The mass begins to wriggle and jerk and bounce around.
The red veins on the wall throb.
The muck on the floor bubbles.
Then Jason hears a loud “AHHH!”
He covers his ears as another “AHHH!” fills the cave.
That is followed by a deafening “CHHHOOO!!!”
A blast of air knocks Jason off his feet. He is sent tumbling down the tunnel. He bounces off oozing stalactites. He pinballs off sticky stalagmites. He splashes through the river of ooze.
Then he is shot out of the cavern!
But it is actually not a cavern after all.
As Jason flies through the air, he sees a large dragon rearing up its head. It is sneezing and shooting snot and fire from its nostrils.
Just as Jason realizes he was crawling around in a dragon’s nostril, he SMACKS! into a rocky cliff.
That is followed by a loud SPAT! as he is covered in smoky, oozing snot.
“I can’t move!” he yells to his friends, who come running to help.
The dragon’s mucus is as thick as glue.
His friends have to tug and pull, yank and pry him off the wall.
“I don’t know what smells worse,” Perseus says.
“Your farts,” Hercules says.
“Or burning boogers,” Theseus says.
“I know what taste worse,” Odysseus says, licking his finger.
“Hurry up!” Theseus shouts. “King Aeetes does not look happy.”
The king, with several guards and their long, pointy spears, race toward Jason and his friends.
Our heroes take off, running to their rowboat. They all jump in, and the boat lurches forward as Jason begins to sing, “Row! Row! Row your boat!”
The trip home is uneventful. Jason does not let his friends go ashore for any reason.
He doesn’t let them go for food. Or if they need to go to the bathroom. And definitely not if they see monsters or beasts.
Back in Iolcus, Jason barges into the throne room. He holds up the fleece for all to see.
Instead of pointing their spears at him, the guards wrinkle their noses in disgust.
“I have the fleece,” Jason shouts. “Release my father!”
“Anything, if you just put that away.” Pelias coughs. “It smells like a loogey from the nostrils of a dragon.”
Guards rush off to get Jason’s father. They return with the king moments later.
“The throne is yours again, father,” Jason says. “And I brought back the fleece for you.”
Jason’s father turns green in disgust as Jason holds out the fleece to him.
“I’d rather go back to jail than wear that,” the kings says.
“But you need it to be king,” Jason says.
“Son, I purposely lost that belching contest so King Aeetes would take the fleece,” his father says. “I hated wearing that funky smelling thing.”
“But the king must wear it,” Jason says.
“Then you be king,” his father says, pushing the totally funky fleece back at Jason.
Jason pulls the fleece over his shoulders.
“I am the new king of Iolcus!” he announces.
Everyone if the room bows. Some out of respect to the new king. Others, because the stench of the fleece is making them gag and cough. And vomit.
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Hercules says.
“I may throw up,” Perseus says.
“Race you to the bathroom,” Odysseus says.
“Last one there is a funky fleece,” Theseus says.