Excerpt From the Trump/Dorset Sessions

May 23, 2018, 6:58 PM

President Trump: You’re very lucky to be talking to me. I’m very busy now, you know. I have hundreds of very important meetings every week. You can’t imagine how important these meetings are. High-pressure negotiations, which I am very good at. I’m amazing at negotiating. I’m going to bring you to some meetings so you can see. You’re going to love these meetings. I have the best meetings. Are you going to ask me any questions?

Lester Dorset: Ah, yes . . . During your administration, the lawmaking process seems to have come to a standstill. You’ve vetoed nearly ninety percent of the bills that have crossed your desk.

Trump: You always reject the first offer.

Dorset: Both the House and Senate are controlled by Republicans. You would think they would be on common ground with you.

Trump: Listen, I may have campaigned as a Republican, but I’m no more a Republican than that crazy-haired garden gnome Bernie was a Democrat. That stuff’s just letters after your name on the ballot; it doesn’t mean anything. The GOP totally disrespected me.

Dorset: And now you’re disrespecting them?

Trump: I don’t forget. I don’t forget, okay? So, yeah, there’s a little bit of that. Bottom line, though, is that they’re grandstanding. They’re playing politics. I’m issuing executive orders.

Dorset: One of your signature projects, the Even Greater Wall, is only halfway complete because Congress refuses to fund your executive orders. Your critics have characterized it as the “Wall to Nowhere.”

Trump: It has nothing to do with Congress. As you know, Mexico agreed to pay for the damned thing—just like I said they would. Unfortunately, their check bounced. Not a great way to convince the world your country’s not full of rapists. Just saying. So construction has been halted for the time being. There’s that saying, “Trump Tower wasn’t built in a day.” Nobody’s ever undertaken a project of this magnitude before. Except for maybe the Chinese, who had a much smaller border to defend.

Dorset: The Great Wall of China is four thousand miles long; the US-Mexico border is just about half that.

Trump: US-Mexico is just the first phase. Phase two is the Canadian border. Five thousand more miles, baby. And let’s not forget our borders with the oceans. Once Congress opens the purse for me, China can suck it.

Dorset: I wasn’t aware there were any troubles with Canadians entering our country illegally. Or . . . fish.

Trump: Securing our borders is about more than immigration. What if some Kardashian sneaks across with a dirty bomb? Somebody had to do something about the Kardashian problem. Nobody wanted to talk about it but me. So that’s why you’ve seen me take other steps, like revoking Kim and Kanye’s passports.

Dorset: This supposed connection between Kardashians and terrorism has been refuted many times over. The facts—

Trump: The fact is, there are terrorists everywhere over there—Iran, Kazakhstan, and Kardashia. You can’t refute that.