Excerpt From the Trump/Dorset Sessions

June 25, 2018, 8:16 AM

Dorset: You had some strong words for Jeb! Bush during the primaries.

Trump: He’s a wimp. He has weak, limp wrists. A tiny voice. Low energy. He might be suffering from a medical condition. Have you heard of this? “Low T”?

Dorset: Low testosterone levels. Some doctors say “low T” is exaggerated as a medical condition—that it’s natural for men’s testosterone levels to drop as we age.

Trump: You know who doesn’t suffer from low testosterone levels? Me, that’s who. My doctor said my levels were off the charts. Literally so high they would need to recalibrate the testing equipment.

Dorset: That sounds potentially dangerous.

Trump: I should find a way to take my excess and bottle it. I could charge a fortune for it. You’d buy it.

Dorset: Uh . . . I don’t know that—

Trump: You’d buy it. Come on. Besides, who would you rather have in the White House? Somebody with too much testosterone or a wimp like Jeb! with too little?

Dorset: I’m not sure if testosterone levels equate to sound governance. We’d have to check to see if any studies have been done.

Trump: You don’t need a study to tell you that it takes “high T” to do what I do. It takes a pair of big balls to be commander in chief. When Jeb!’s finally drop, he’s welcome to come out of whatever Florida swamp hole he’s been hiding in and come at me like a man. I will fight him any day of the week. Except on Sunday. Sundays are reserved for golf and Game of Thrones.

Dorset: You’ve been almost as critical of Jeb!’s brother, George W. Bush, as you were of Obama.

Trump: The Iraq War was a disaster. How many trillions of dollars did we sink into that waste of time? If we’d gotten some oil out of it, it might have been worth it. How hard is that? Throw some empty jugs in the Humvee. He made the same mistake his father made with Kuwait. To quote The Art of War, “Never get into a land war in Asia.”

Dorset: You’ve been very vocal about the need to “bomb the shit out of ISIS.” The United States’ use of unmanned drones in the Middle East has increased dramatically under your leadership.

Trump: We’re bombing the shit out of them—their training camps, their weapons stockpiles, and so forth. All from the air with our little toy planes. Since I took office, not one American life has been lost overseas.

Dorset: While that’s made you wildly popular with the American people, it’s brought condemnation from some quarters. Drone warfare is still warfare. The Guardian’s George Monbiot has said the US is “fighting a coward’s war.”

Trump: The Guardian? How typical. Of course the Brits would call us names—they’re still nursing their wounds from when we ran them out of town in seventeen-whatever. They’re a nation of cowards, I tell you. They make France look like goddamn Sparta.