A happy childhood is one of the best gifts that ­parents have it in their power to bestow.

Mary Cholmondeley, god’s little devotional book for moms

Chapter 2

I Was Too Serious

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.

Proverbs 17:22 kjv

Laughter is good medicine for us all. As someone once said, “There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the bright side of things.”1 In the book Tough-Minded Parenting, the authors state: “Laughter is truly one of the most undervalued elements of life. Psychological research has clearly established laughter as an essential emotional nutrient in high levels of ‘wellness.’”2 Proverbs 15:15 tells us: “For the happy heart, life is a continual feast” (nlt).

As a preacher’s kid (often called a P.K.), I learned early the value of laughing at myself, of not taking myself or the teasing I received too seriously. P.K.s have always been prime targets for jokes and kidding. To survive living in the “glass house” of a minister’s family, preachers’ kids have to learn to smile and shrug off the verbal barrage that often comes their way.

A Serious-Minded Family

Even though I personally learned that some things in life must not be taken too seriously, I do not think I adequately transferred this concept into my child raising. Life was serious business for my husband and me. I admit that we rarely “let our hair down” with our kids. We both came from fine Christian homes, but there wasn’t a lot of “clowning around” in either of our families. It naturally followed that the atmosphere in the Maddox household was not too lighthearted either.

A Desire to Have Fun

The problem was not that we didn’t want our ­family to have fun. Roland and I decided early in our marriage that we wanted to provide as many fun things as possible for our children. We made a genuine effort to incorporate into our schedule a variety of opportunities for entertainment and laughter. Nearly every year we took our children to the beach in Florida for a family vacation. There were two special trips to Disney World. We bought a ski boat when our kids were teenagers so we would have something fun to do together as a family. Every Fourth of July and Labor Day (if at all possible) were spent at a lake in Hot Springs, Arkansas, with dear friends and their families. We had a lot of great times of togetherness.

Yet as I reflect upon all those special times, I don’t think we enjoyed them as fully as we could have; we didn’t laugh enough on these “fun” adventures.I believe this was partly because I was often uptight—worrying about my children’s behavior, their safety, their relationships, or other problems—both real and imagined. Not being very adept at playing, I became “the great protector.” If I saw unhappy kids, I tried to rectify the situation. If I felt my children were not being as kind or as thoughtful as possible, I admonished them to be more loving. In some instances, I just worried about things in general. Those times when I did relax, everyone had more fun.

Looking back, I ask myself some questions: Did I have unrealistic expectations? Was I trying to make my children act like little adults instead of the children they were? Was I afraid of what they might do or of what might happen to them? Did I want my children to behave perfectly in front of others?

Wanted: A Fun Mom

Our kids did enjoy our vacations and our lake experiences; they will unquestionably agree with that assessment. Still, I believe we could have had more fun if I had been a more fun mom. I remember feeling guilty when I heard a pastor friend of mine describing his home. He said that they laughed a lot, joked a lot, and had a lot of fun as a family. That is what I wanted my children to say about our family—but I wasn’t sure they could.

Wanted: A Fun Home

We didn’t have serious illnesses. There was no divorce in our immediate families; our family was very stable. We didn’t have great financial difficulties. We lived in a nice house, and our children attended good schools. We belonged to a wonderful church. We had so much for which to be thankful. Our home was a happy home, but was it a fun place to live?

What about your home? Is it a fun place to be?

William Makepeace Thackeray as quoted in God’s Little Devotional Book for Moms said, “A good laugh is sunshine in the house.”3 Is your house full of sunshine and laughter? Do your children’s friends love to come to your house? If I could go back in time, I would play more games with my children—whether I felt like it or not. I would laugh more with them. I would laugh more at my mistakes. I would “let my hair down” more. I would really work at playing with them. I would try to make times together more fun, more enjoyable.

Work at It

Perhaps this is not as big a problem for moms and dads today as it was for us. In the twenty-first century, much emphasis has been placed on togetherness and having fun as a family. But if you are by nature a serious person and you don’t “let your hair down” as often as you’d like, my advice is this: Working at playing with your children is worth the effort.

As you look down the road to the future, what do you want your children to remember? That Mom was always fussing at them, not allowing them to act like the children they were? That Mom’s unrealistic expectations made her too demanding because she was afraid of what others might think? Or that Mom took time to play and laugh with her family—that home was the most fun place on earth? We do not want our children to look back and think that growing up in their home was only existing, merely coping through a twenty-four-hour day. Patty Hankins, a minister’s wife, says that life for the Christian is not meant to be “crisis living”—“breathlessly running from one crisis to the next.”4 Rather, it is to be the abundant life of John 10:10: “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” (kjv). And because God tells us that “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine” (Prov. 17:22 kjv), part of that abundant life surely includes a lot of laughter. St. Augustine once prayed: “O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams.”5

Are You Uptight?

Being less serious-minded doesn’t mean being a softy, a mom who doesn’t discipline and train her children in the way they should go. I am a firm believer in discipline and proper training. It is also my fervent belief we should set definite boundaries for our children. However, is it not true that many of us parents are just too uptight? We don’t relax enough and really enjoy those children God has given into our care. Ruth Ann VanderSteeg, mother of five adult children, reminds us: “We are in the building business. Builders are excited about what they are doing. Look forward to every stage of your child’s life, from infancy to adulthood. Don’t be so uptight, have fun with them.”6

My friend Vicki Snider once spoke to a group of mothers of teenagers on the subject “Lighten up.” She admonished us to “relax a little and have fun with our teens. That was good advice no matter our children’s ages or stages. I wonder—do you need to “lighten up”?7

Christians Should Have the Most Fun

I believe it is vitally important not to give the impression (or even worse, cause our children to believe) that non-Christians have more fun than Christians. Christians should be the most fun people on earth because we, of all people, know the meaning of true happiness and real joy. Our lives should be filled with joy and laughter because we belong to Jesus Christ, the source of all happiness and joy. When a child is not having fun at home, isn’t he more likely to seek out whoever is having fun? Kids want to have a good time. They are programmed that way. Stifling their childhood instincts and desires for fun is not the answer. As Eric Brand, businessman and father of four, said, “Kids learn to play with their parents or they learn to play without their parents.”8

Let’s Have Some Fun

I have asked several friends the following question: “What did you do (or observe other Christian fami-lies doing) to convey the idea that children from Christian families can have as much, or more fun than non-Christians?” I received some great replies. Veteran mom Ruth Ann VanderSteeg said, “Children of Christian families can have a lot of fun. The first thing to remember is, they are just children, and children like to have good times. Also remember that they have endless energy. Our family did things with a lot of activity that involved other Christian friends. We tried to do something special as a family once a week.”9

Patty Hankins, one of the most fun moms I know, shared this timely advice: “Never stop an activity without replacing it with something that makes the change wonderful—something that doesn’t make your children feel like all that’s left is a boring void. Make out an exchange list just as you would when you are changing your diet to healthy eating. You merely exchange one activity for another. Ask God to lead you, through his creative power, to make this a positive experience, not a legalistic, negative approach. Also, remember that at first it will feel uncomfortable or odd—change always does.”

Rob and Vicki Mullins, who have been in Christian ministry for many years and are currently serving at Bellevue Baptist Church in Cordova, Tennessee, answered the question in this way: “We just did it. We followed the Lord and he brought the fun. We ran with people who felt the same way. He can give you the creativity to make up for a ‘forbidden’ activity. We showed them [our children] the natural consequences of living away from the Lord and the benefits of walking with him. We never suffered. There were disagreements about what they could not do and what others could do, but we always lined our lives up with the Word of God. A favorite phrase was, ‘Others may, but you cannot.’”10

Dr. Van Snider advised Christian parents to “get out in the world and play like crazy; keep your values, morals, and ideals so that you can be a ‘light.’ Get out in the church and play like crazy, showing your children the value of listening to the right leaders and hanging out with kids who share their values,and more importantly, their Savior.”11

Enjoy, Enjoy, Enjoy!

As a mom whose children are grown I have some final words of advice: Our kids grow up and leave the nest all too soon, so let them be children. Don’t try to make them little adults; you don’t want them to grow up too fast. They need to enjoy the early years of their lives and be allowed to have fun. All too soon the pressing issues of adulthood will be upon them.

Parents, don’t miss the joy of your child’s growing up days! A child is a gift from God. Unwrap this special package and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

If I could start over, I would have more fun with my children!

The best way to keep children at home is to make home a pleasant atmosphere—and to let the air out of the tires.

Dorothy Parker, god’s little devotional book for moms