Conclusion: Looking Back/Looking Forward
Looking Back
Yes, dear young women, in answer to your question “If you could go back in time, what would you do differently in your child raising?” there are many things I would probably change. There are many things I would not change. In this book I have listed only ten. I could not possibly enumerate them all.
BUT GOD! God is faithful, and he heard and answered my prayers: prayers of confession, when I didn’t handle situations as he would have desired, when I made errors in judgment and decisions not pleasing to him, when I failed to be the mother he so desired me to be. He heard my prayers of petition and intercession for my children—for their needs to be met, for them to walk in his ways and his truth, for their mates, their missions, and their ministries. God heard my requests for wisdom and discernment. He heard my cries of desperation, when I did not know how or what to pray. God always prompted me never to give up on him or on my children. No matter how much time I spent in “God’s Waiting Room,” I knew he would answer my prayers in his own way, in his own time.
Today, as I stand looking back down the highway of my life, one of the greatest lessons I have learned is this: No matter how many times we fail, God will never fail us or forsake us or forget us. Nor will he fail or forsake or forget our children. With that assurance, we can stand firmly on his promises—“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ” (2 Cor. 1:20 niv). We can stand in complete confidence upon his Holy Word—his Word is absolutely trustworthy and absolutely true. We can trust him with our children. He will take our messes and “unmess” them. In answer to our prayers, he will take our failures and turn them into victories. He will take our shortcomings and use them to build character in our children’s lives (see Rom. 8:28).
Always remember: There is nothing too hard for the Lord. Jeremiah 32:17 states it best: “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you” (niv).
Never give up on your children! Never give up on God!
Looking Forward
As we look toward the future, we must not forget the lessons of the past. Josh McDowell, internationally known leader of youth, states:
Once upon a time, children were raised in an atmosphere that communicated absolute standards for behavior: certain things were right and certain things were wrong. A child’s parents, teachers, ministers, youth workers, and other adults collaborated in an effort to communicate that the former should be heeded and the latter should be avoided. At one time, our society, by and large, explained the universe, humanity, and the purpose of life from the Judeo-Christian tradition: a belief that truth existed, and everyone could know and understand it. . . . That has changed drastically, however. Our children are being raised in a society that has largely rejected the notions of truth and morality, a society that has somewhere lost the ability to decide what is true and what is right. Truth has become a matter of ‘taste; morality has been replaced by individual preference.’ . . . It is painfully apparent that many of our kids have lost the ability to distinguish between right and wrong.1
The time in which society viewed the world from a Judeo-Christian perspective was indeed the time in which my husband and I were being raised. It was the Leave It to Beaver fifties—a peaceful and uncomplicated time in which to grow up. Even those who did not embrace our Christian beliefs operated from a platform of morality based on the Judeo-Christian ethic. They might not do what was right, but they knew the difference between right and wrong.
We watched sadly as this viewpoint drastically changed in the sixties, seventies, and eighties. God was dethroned. Man was enthroned. Secular humanism invaded—and eventually pervaded—every facet of our society. This upheaval occurred in our schools, in the media, in government, on the public square. Prayer and Bible reading were removed from the public schools. Abortion was legalized. A sexual revolution broke out across our land. “What God says” was replaced by “What man thinks.”
To watch what was happening was disconcerting to me. God called me to enter the public arena.I became involved not only in taking a strong stand for righteousness but also in seeking to disseminate Christian values in our city, state, and nation. I quickly discovered that I had entered a battleground! The public schools and the media were among the first to be secularized. We Christians found it hard to get across our message. The textbooks no longer voiced our beliefs; the schools became more and more closed to Christian witness. The media was controlled by secular humanists who promoted their secular humanistic viewpoints in show after show, hour after hour, day after day. The Christian viewpoint was rarely espoused through the media.
As we reflect on our world today, realizing what has happened in our society, does it not behoove us to commit to restoring these foundational beliefs of morality and truth? If we cannot do anything else, we can teach these truths at home!
Remember James Dobson’s words: “Most American children receive no spiritual training whatsoever!”2 With the uncertainties of the future looming before us, is there not a desperate call to parents to fulfill their God-given responsibilities of motherhood and fatherhood? It is the parents who have the primary responsibility for raising their children “in the instruction and training of the Lord.” “Yet most American children receive no spiritual training whatsoever!”3 Parents—who have been given these special treasures from the Lord—must mold and shape them in such a way that they will be godly adults. “Yet most American children receive no spiritual training whatsoever!”4
Are you preparing your children to live in the world they must inhabit? Will they be able to stand alone in the face of peer pressure and worldly enticements? Will they be “G-rated” kids in an “R-rated” world?
Perhaps you are asking, “Is there a secret to raising ‘G-rated’ kids in an ‘R-rated’ world?” This book has addressed many issues involved in answering this question. While no one has all the answers, perhaps these words in summation will be beneficial.
When asked the secret of raising “G-rated” kids in an “R-rated” world, Christian counselor and mother Pat Brand answered: “Parents must be ready to dispel the attraction of the ‘R-rated’ world. They must know the enemy in order to battle it. They also must stay so contemporary, their children will believe they know what they are talking about.”5 Parents also must be so trustworthy that their kids will know they can trust them! That doesn’t mean you will always be right. But when you are not, you must admit it and ask forgiveness. Acknowledge misunderstandings. Be honest and real with them.
It is important to know what is happening in your children’s lives. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions. Filter everything (including friends, dress, language, music, activities) through the principles of God’s Word. Make the Bible the standard for your life and theirs.
Perhaps the best advice I heard about raising “G-rated” kids in an “R-rated” world came from a mother of five. She said: “The secret to raising ‘G-rated’ kids in an ‘R-rated’ world is to remember the word grace. It is God’s grace that continues to surround us and our family. We can do our part to raise ‘G-rated’ children, but we will make mistakes. Our God by his grace, can take even our mistakes and work them for his good and glory [see Rom. 8:28]. To have ‘G-rated’ kids, we need to love God more, pray more, trust him more, praise him more, worship him, and keep our focus on him.”6
The prayer in John 17:15 is the prayer we need to pray for our children: “I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one” (nkjv). Only God can enable them to be godly in an ungodly world. But God is able! He can do “exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us” (Eph. 3:20 kjv). Praise his Name! Nothing is too hard for the Lord!
APPENDIX A
How to Pray for Your Children
For many years I used the following outline to pray for my children.
1. PRAY FOR YOUR CHILD’S DECISION TO FOLLOW JESUS CHRIST AS SAVIOR AND LORD
Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (niv)
Romans 10:9–10: “That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (niv)
Your child’s decision to follow Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord is the most important decision he or she will ever make. I believe we as parents should pray that our children will come to know Jesus as Savior and Lord as early as possible. What a blessing it will be for them to serve him all their lives.
I know it can be a problem for parents to know when their little ones are old enough to understand the meaning of salvation. I remember well our own situation with our son Alan. When Alan was six years old, he began to ask us if he could give his heart to Jesus. We were thrilled, but also a bit apprehensive, wanting to be certain he understood what he was doing. We put him off for several weeks.
One Sunday night, just after we had gotten in bed and turned off the lights, Alan came into our bedroom and handed us a handwritten letter. Roland quickly sat up, turned on the light, and read his letter aloud. It said:
Dear Jesus,
I want to be saved, but my parents won’t let me.
Love,
Alan
Needless to say, we got out of our beds and went into Alan’s room. After Roland explained why we had put off this decision, he discussed with Alan the meaning of salvation. Convinced that our son knew what he was doing, we all knelt by his bed. That night Alan gave his heart to Jesus Christ, just as I, too, had given my heart to Jesus at six years of age many years previously in Crystal Springs, Mississippi. It was a joyous night at our house!
Since many children will not make this commitment to Jesus Christ at an early age, we need to commit to praying for as long as it takes for them to respond to the gospel. We must not get discouraged and give up. We must keep on praying until the answer comes!
2. PRAY FOR YOUR CHILD TO BE DELIVERED FROM EVIL
Matthew 6:13: “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” (niv)
John 17:15: “I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one.” (nkjv)
2 Thessalonians 3:2–3: “And pray that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men. . . . But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” (niv)
To pray for our children to be delivered from evil and the evil one is perhaps as important in today’s world as it has ever been. How important it is for us to ask our heavenly Father to protect our children every moment of their lives!
The prayer I often pray for my children is as follows:
Lord God, Jehovah, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, I stand against Satan in ___________________’s life. I ask you to place a hedge of protection around him and a hedge of thorns. I pray that you will “establish [his] footsteps in Your Word, and do not let any iniquity have dominion over [him].” [from Ps. 119:133 nasb] In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
3. PRAY THAT YOUR CHILD WILL LEAD A DISCIPLINED LIFE
Proverbs 16:32: “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (nkjv)
To lead a disciplined life one must learn self-discipline. He must learn to be “slow to anger” as well as “to rule his spirit.” An important element of a disciplined life is making good use of one’s time. Oh, how our children need to set these positive goals for their lives! It has been said that being disciplined means being able to say no to self and yes to God. It is vital that we pray for our children to lead disciplined lives.
4. PRAY FOR YOUR CHILD TO HAVE DISCRETION
Ephesians 3:14, 16: “For this reason I bow my knees before the Father . . . that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man.” (nasb)
Surely we want our children to be discreet. Discretion is defined in the dictionary as “discernment which enables a person to judge critically what is correct and proper, united with caution.”1 In this “anything goes” society, how essential it is for the Christian young person to have discretion and good judgment, united with caution. Today, as the world seems to have “thrown caution to the wind,” such should not be the case for us as Christians.
We need to pray Ephesians 3:16 for our children—that they “be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man” (kjv). William Barclay comments on verse sixteen in this way: “By ‘the inner man’ the Greeks understood three things: (1) There was man’s reason. (2) There was the conscience. (3) There was the will.”2 He goes on to comment: “It was Paul’s prayer that Christ should strengthen the reasoning power of his friends. He wanted them to be better able to discern between that which was right and that which was wrong. He wanted them to be less at the mercy of their passions, and their instincts, and their desires. He wanted Christ to give them the wisdom which would keep life pure and safe.”3
Following Barclay’s ideas, as I divide the inner man into three areas—mind, emotions, and will—I like to pray this prayer:
Lord God, I pray for my child in the area of his mind, that he will be able to discern between good and evil and between better and best.
I pray for my child in the area of his emotions, that he will not be at the mercy of his instincts, passions and desires, but will be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.
I pray for my child in the area of his will, that when he knows what to do, he will do it; when he knows what not to do, he will not do it.
5. PRAY THAT YOUR CHILD WILL BE DILIGENT
Colossians 3:23: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” (nasb)
Psalm 37:5: “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it.” (nasb)
Psalm 37:23–24: “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.” (nasb)
Diligence is “the constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken.” One who is diligent is “industrious and persevering.”4 We live in a day of casual commitment; but God demands our full and total commitment. Our children need to learn the meaning of commitment. They need to learn to finish what they start. They need to give constant and earnest effort to the work they undertake. God wants us to live for him and not for ourselves. Nor does he want our lives compartmentalized with the secular in one box and the sacred in another. Everything we do “in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Col. 3:17 niv). In Ephesians 6:7, we read: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does” (niv). If our children can learn these principles as young men and women, it will make a tremendous difference in their attitudes and performances.
6. PRAY FOR YOUR CHILD TO DISCOVER THE WILL OF GOD FOR HIS LIFE
Psalm 32:8: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.” (nasb)
Jeremiah 29:11: “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’” (nasb)
Colossians 4:12: “Always laboring earnestly for you in his prayers, that you may stand perfect and fully assured in all the will of God.” (nasb)
Colossians l:9: “For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” (nasb)
Ephesians 5:17: So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (nasb)
We should pray earnestly and continuously for our children to “stand perfect and fully assured in all the will of God.” This includes discovering God’s will concerning their mission, their mate, and their ministry. Because choices, both great and small, have significance, we need to pray for their daily decisions.
The secularist world will tell our children to look within for the answers. We must pray that they look to the Lord for his guidance and leadership in their lives—that they will daily seek his will, not just in the big things, but also in the small and mundane. Ephesians 5:17 is a warning to all: “So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (nasb).
Other petitions should include: (1) that our kids understand early the folly of following their own devices—the foolishness of “doing their own thing”; (2) that they realize God has a wonderful plan for their lives and that true happiness comes only when they are walking according to his plan; (3) that God is concerned about every detail of their lives—he created them, he loves them, he will care for them. Praise his holy Name!
7. PRAY THAT YOUR CHILD WILL BE FULLY DEDICATED TO THE LORD
Matthew 22:37: “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’” (niv)
That our children be godly young men and women should be our preeminent prayer for them. This will happen only as they dedicate themselves fully to the Lord. To dedicate means “to give wholly or chiefly to a person or purpose.”5 For the Christian, that person is Jesus Christ and that purpose is to glorify him. We must pray that our kids will give themselves wholly and completely to Jesus Christ for the purpose of glorifying him in every aspect of their lives. If we have taught them that God is the source of their strength, that he is utterly trustworthy, that he will never leave them or forsake them, how much easier it will be for them to dedicate their lives to him.
Let us intercede daily for our children!
Note: In 1999, along with Patti Webb, I co-authored a book on praying for one’s children called A Mother’s Garden of Prayer. You can find it at Christian bookstores and on the Internet. It is a guide to praying Scripture for your children, from the pre-born child through adulthood. It contains more than fifty circumstances when a mother and grandmother need to pray for their children and grandchildren. It will help you to pray for your child according to God’s Word.
APPENDIX B
Enjoying Your Teenagers
(Adapted from a seminar by Pat Brand titled “Enjoying Your Teenagers.” Revised and additions by author. Used by permission.)
Pat Brand introduced her conference on teenagers by saying: “There are many challenges one could desire to accomplish in this life—rowing a boat upstream on the Mississippi River, running a small third-world country, or dedicating your life to becoming the next winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. These are all noble endeavors, but certainly one of the most challenging of all pursuits is to ‘enjoy’ your teenagers.
“They don’t make it easy for their parents. They are busily breaking away from parental authority. Much of the time it seems as if they don’t want their parents around anymore. If you are the parent of a teenager, don’t think there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with them. This is the time when they are supposed to begin exercising some independence. The problem becomes: How will we let them learn independence without it ‘robbing us’ of our joy?
“Parents are given much advice on the teenage years. As one father said: The only people not having trouble with their teenagers are people who don’t have any. “Raising a teenager is not easy. It takes work, patience, and dedication. The rewards, however,are great. The thing you must remember is this: You are not alone. There are many, many others who are at this very moment walking in your shoes.”
Mrs. Brand then divided the tasks of parenting a teenager into three main categories: Education, Edification, and Endurance.
Education. The word educate means “to develop the faculties and powers of [a person] by teaching, instruction, or schooling.”1 By the time your children reach thirteen, they have already had much education, both formal and informal. In the area of formal education, they have learned academics, have been engaged in sports, have had some contact with the arts/humanities, and hopefully, have had good Christian training. Their informal education has taken place everywhere they have gone—at school, at church, in the community, and most of all, at home.
As parents, we play a vital role in their education. We are constantly teaching them things by example. From us they learn attitudes, prejudices, routines, and traditions. The attitudes we have about what goes on in school, in the work place, and at home are the very same attitudes our children will adopt. They learn much from observing our actions and reactions. It would be a beneficial exercise to periodically ask ourselves: What are my children learning from my outlook on life? From my lifestyle? What are they learning from me about priorities, the things that are most important in life?
One of the most important aspects of informal learning for teens is in the realm of peer pressure. Peer pressure raises its ugly head in five major areas:(1) music, (2) driving, (3) appearance, (4) sex, and (5) rules. Two important thoughts should be addressed first. It is essential to remember that as parents we are greatly influenced by our peers too. We dress like our friends, go to the same places they go, avoid the places they avoid, and adhere to similar rules of living. Recognizing this should help parents be more aware of the amount of pressure our kids are encountering and the stresses they have to withstand each day. Secondly, if your family has practiced “open communication” with your kids, you have “a thirteen-year head start” on the families with communication problems. Keeping the lines of communication open is a constant challenge but an essential ingredient of effective parenting during the teenage years.
The area of Christian education is an integral part of the teenager’s life. Since peers are so important at this time, church-based activities and programs become even more vital. (The benefits of church attendance have already been addressed in this book. The parent’s responsibility in spiritual development has been discussed at length. But there is something that must be inserted at this point: As a parent, you need to make certain that your teenagers have come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ; believe in the inerrant, infallible Word of God; know what they believe; and know why they believe it. It is never too late to be concerned about these four things. What they believe will affect the choices they make and the lives they live in the future.) We parents are responsible for our children’s Christian education.
Edification. The second area where parents are important in their teenagers’ lives is in the area of edification. To edify means “to build up.” Ephesians 4:29 says: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up [edifying] according to their needs” (niv).
Edifying—building up—your child begins with accepting him as God created him, not trying to make the child into your own or someone else’s concept of what he should be. There are three areas on which to focus: concern, cost, and commitment.
Concern. We are all concerned about our children. “That concern can be manifested through critical words or caring words.” Because of our concern, we may use criticism and sarcasm, or find ourselves constantly nagging the child. God has much to say in his Holy Word about sarcasm and nagging (see Eph. 6:4; Prov. 27:15; Prov. 21:19 as examples). Think of the phrases parents of teenagers most often use with their kids: Pick up your clothes; Turn down that TV, radio, CD player; Get off that phone; Help your sister/brother; Have you finished your homework? ; Did you wash your hands?; Where are you going?; Drive carefully; Why didn’t you tell me? You need a haircut; etc. “These things may need to be stated or asked, but they should not be the sum total of all conversations we have with our children. We should be about the job of nurturing and caring. Caring manifests itself altogether differently.”
How can we show our teenagers how much we care? There are at least six components to caring:(1) touching, (2) time, (3) listening, (4) laughter,(5) tears, and (6) compliments.
Caring is touching. Touches are important. Hugs and kisses should be given as often as the kids will allow. A Christian psychologist gave some really good advice: Because teenagers sometimes resist hugs and kisses, try giving them little pats whenever possible. It is one way to “keep in touch.”
Caring is time. Many of today’s parents try to rationalize about “quality” time spent with their kids. All the time your children spend with you should be quality time. However, kids need to spend both quality time and quantity time with their parents. You cannot give encouragement and approval without a lot of time and expenditure. Of course parents are busy these days; most families are two-income families. This presents great challenges to finding family time. Nonetheless, we must remember the order in which God wants us to prioritize our lives: God first, our mate second, our children third, and all else fourth, fifth, etc.
“Since the time you get to spend with your teenager will be limited, even though he isn’t always available when you need him, try to be available when he needs you. If you continually give your kids the idea that you are too busy for them, they will look for—and usually find—someone who is not too busy. That someone will not necessarily be a person of your choosing.” Remember: those activities, projects, and fun events will be there for you to go back to; your son or daughter will never be this age again. He or she will be gone before you know it. Now is the time to be a caring parent. Be available to your kids.
Caring is listening. “This is the season of your life when you need to begin listening more than you talk. If you have a teenage daughter, you may have to listen to miles and miles of chatter before you hear one inch of a problem or concern.” Stay up until she gets home from her dates. Make it easy for her to open up to you by listening without interrupting. Proverbs 18:13 says: “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (niv). Monitor carefully your reactions and responses to your teenagers’ comments. Remember the words of the apostle James: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19–20 niv).
Caring is laughing with your child. Healthy families have fun together. They laugh a lot. They love to tell jokes and tease other family members. They like to play tricks on each other. “Teens love amusement parks, video games, goofy movies, and gutsy dads. They love mothers who “fuss” at them for all their silliness while still participating in their fun adventures. They are going to have fun—be sure some of it is at home.”
Caring is tears. “Relationships are critical to all human beings. In the teenage years they are ultracritical.” Creating new relationships is risky for the teenager because he is so unsure of himself. The breakup of relationships can bring many tears. Losing at sports or academics can cause tears. Not being able to look like the others, dress like the others, or go places the others go—all are occasions for tears. “Our job as parents is to comfort them in their sadness, not to admonish or make light of their pain. What has happened may seem silly and insignificant to you, but it is vitally important to them. This is a time to keep the proper perspective. Most teenagers cannot see life beyond next Friday night’s ballgame!”
Caring includes complimenting them. Teens are never pleased with themselves, it seems. Listen to some common complaints: I am too fat, too thin, too short, too ugly. My hair looks awful, my skin is terrible, I don’t speak well, my grades are poor. On and on they go. “They are one big bundle of insecurity. They don’t need parents to confirm those facts. It behooves us, therefore, as parents to find something daily about which to compliment them. Undoubtedly, this will not be easy. They will tell you to stop. They will tell you that your compliments don’t count because you are their parents and have to ‘like’ them. But in reality, they feed on those compliments more than they feed on pizza. Compliments to the teenager are as essential to their emotional health as protein and vitamin C are to their physical health.”
Cost. The second part of the edification/encouragement of our children. It will cost us as parents: “our energy, our time, our money, and our prayers.” One thing parents need to pray for is the stamina to keep up with their kids! The importance of spending time with your kids can never be overemphasized. “If it means sacrificing something you would rather do in order to put your kids’ needs first, it will certainly be worth it.” Remember: your kids need quality time and quantity time with their parents!
In the area of money, it goes without saying that it costs a lot of money to raise children. Of course they don’t need all the things they want; your job is to seek to give them what they need. Their wants and needs are in two very different categories. It is always a problem to determine how to spend one’s money wisely. “Sometimes the ‘cost’ to the parents is the animosity they receive from their kids when they refuse to indulge their every want.”
In today’s society there is a plethora of “child worship.” Parents seem to be afraid not to give their kids what they want. We often see a son or daughter who is never satisfied and “suffers” from their parents’ overindulgence. Parents are kept busy seeking to keep up with the world’s standards of materialism. They spend so much time trying to give their children what they want instead of what they need that the parents are frazzled, worn out, and burned out. As a byproduct of this lifestyle, they end up giving their children “things” instead of spending the time to train them in the way they should go.
There is another danger inherent in this practice of child worship—much “giving” on the part of the parents with very little “receiving” from the child. Child expert Peggy Perkins says that the characteristic that concerns her most about parents in the twenty-first century is “their desire to give the child everything he wants to make him happy and failing to require much, if anything, from him—failing to teach the child to wait for and earn some of the things he desires.”2 The teenage years are an excellent time for them to learn that everything has a price tag.
Commitment. In order to edify our children—to build them up as God would have us do—there will be concern and caring, there is a cost we must pay, and above all, there must be a commitment to seeing them through this difficult time. “Sometimes we know we are committed to our children and God knows it, but the kids don’t know it.” They need to know of our unwavering commitment to them.
This brings us to prayer. We need to pray about every aspect of our teenagers’ lives. This is a vital part of carrying out our commitment to them. It is as essential to their spiritual growth and development (and their emotional health) as is nutrition to their physical health. We need to pray for ourselves too. We need God’s wisdom at this season of our lives. How grateful we should be that God’s Word tells us that when we ask for wisdom, God will give us a liberal dose! As has already been stated in this book, for the Christian mother, prayer is a necessity: she can’t do without it; her family can’t do without it.
We must pray without ceasing—every day, and sometimes every hour. We must pray specific prayers—expecting specific answers. Prayer partners are a wonderful blessing at this season of your life. The love, support, and prayers of other prayer warriors will be invaluable in dealing with the daily challenges of teenagers. Praying with your teenager will be rewarding to both of you too. Pray with them as much as they will allow. Then you can pray privately for those areas in which you know they are hurting, but won’t share.
Second, find out what your kids believe about God and the Bible. Have discussions with them on spiritual matters. Don’t do all of the talking; listen carefully to what they are saying. If there are areas of confusion and uncertainty on their part, this is the time to establish what God’s Word teaches. They need to settle their beliefs and determine their convictions before they leave home. In a short time they will be out on their own, facing monumental challenges. What they believe will affect the choices they make and the lives they live in the future.
Endurance. The third and final element of parenting teenagers is endurance. This will include “consistent, daily prayer” (which has already been discussed) and “a persistent godly example.” It will include “keeping on keeping on,” no matter the delight or drudgery of the day. It will entail seeking to keep the lines of communication open, no matter what happens in the child’s life. What your child needs to know, perhaps more than anything else (besides knowing Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior) is that you love him unconditionally. He needs to know for certain that his mother and father will love him—always and forever.
In the area of example, you and I must live out Christianity if we want our children to learn it. If I want my child to read the Bible, he must see that Bible reading is very important in my life—that reading the Bible is as natural as reading a newspaper or magazine. If I want him to memorize Scripture, I must memorize it too (if I have not already done so). If I want him to love our church, my attitude and attendance must reflect my love for our church. In other words, we must attempt to “practice what we preach.” Dr. Charles Stanley’s quote (used earlier in this book) is apropos: “There is nothing under heaven like a mother and a father patterning principles they believe in if they want to hand those principles down to their children.”3
Our goal is to move our children toward independence, ultimately working ourselves out of a job. We must not attempt to solve all our children’s problems. They must be allowed to learn from their mistakes and to work out some of their dilemmas while they are still at home.
A major part of “enduring” your teenagers should be your refusal to give up on your children or on God’s ability to work in their lives. Never give up on your child! Never give up on God! You may not see how God is working in their lives at this moment. You may not see the fruit of your labor today or tomorrow. Nonetheless, just keep on asking, keep on seeking, and keep on knocking! (See Matt. 7). Nothing is too hard for the Lord!
Jeremiah 32:17 says: “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you” (niv).
APPENDIX C
Drifting Away from God
It was our fervent desire that we as a family would keep growing spiritually throughout our lives. Spiritual growth is a continuous process that requires constant effort. This is true for every believer. If we are not growing, if we are not constantly making the effort to grow spiritually, we cannot expect to remain where we are. Like a boat that has been untied from the pier, we will begin to drift downstream away from our basic beliefs and convictions.
“Ten Steps to Drifting”
I’ll never forget the teachings of a young man whose life greatly influenced our son. His name was Dan Dehaan. He met an untimely death in the prime of his ministry when the plane in which he was on hit the side of a mountain. Dan had shared with our young people what he entitled “Ten Steps to Drifting.” In his book Intercepted by Christ, he speaks to the issue:
What is drifting? It is taking the easy way out! It is slowly moving in the wrong direction. It is dying by degrees. The end is certain, but the way there may be ever so slow. Drifting usually begins with carelessness. We simply fail to pay attention and we get lazy. This may lead to a curiosity for sin. When we are careless, we get curious, and if we fail to stop the pattern, we will have contact with sin. After the contact, we usually go to conniving and then we find ourselves living in carnality. From carelessness to curiosity—from curiosity to contact—from contact to conniving—from conniving to carnality. A study of David’s fall into the sin of adultery and murder will show this progression. He became lazy, then curious. He decided to make contact with sin, then tried to connive his way out of it. Finally, he lost his desire for spiritual things.1
My husband and I prayed that our children would be insightful enough to recognize when they were drifting away from God and halt this dangerous process by turning back to the source of their strength. We knew, however, that in some instances, as in our own lives, God would have to allow some props to be removed—allow them to be uncomfortable—in order to bring them back to himself. That might mean that we would have to sit back and watch them in this undesirable condition. We must pray. We must wait. We must trust our God. Only he can restore spiritual wholeness.
Endnotes
CHAPTER 1
1. Gary Smalley and John Trent, The Blessing (Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson Inc., l986), 55, 59. All rights reserved.
2. Maxine Marsolini, Blended Families: Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life (Chicago, Ill.: Moody Publishers, 2000), 20. Used by permission.
3. Gary Smalley and John Trent, The Gift of Honor (Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1987), 89. All rights reserved.
4. Charles Stanley, How To Keep Your Kids on Your Team (Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson, Inc., 1986), 108. All rights reserved.
5. Smalley and Trent, The Blessing, 93.
6. Ibid., 89.
7. Stanley, How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team, 105.
8. Vicki Mullins, a minister’s wife and mother of two, author’s questionnaire.
9. Smalley and Trent, The Gift of Honor, 17.
10. Patty Hankins, mother of three successful adult sons, author’s questionnaire.
11. Smalley and Trent, The Blessing, 59.
12. Mullins, author’s questionaire.
13. C. Van Snider, M.D., Associated Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at University of Tennessee Center of Health Sciences, Memphis, Tennessee, author’s questionnaire.
14. Ibid.
CHAPTER 2
1. Author unknown.
2. Joe Batten, Wendy Havemann, Bill Pearce, and Gail Pedersen, Tough-Minded Parenting (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman Press, 1991), 131.
3. William Makepeace Thackeray as quoted in God’s Little Devotional Book for Moms (Tulsa, Okla.: Honor Books, 1995, 2001), 252.
4. Mullins, author’s questionnaire.
5. St. Augustine, Words of Life, ed. Charles L. Walls (New York, NY: Harper and Row Publishers, 1966), 18.
6. Ruth Ann VanderSteeg, mother of five adult children, Lakeland, Tennessee, author’s questionnaire.
7. Vicki Snider, author’s questionnaire.
8. Eric Brand, businessman and father of four, author’s questionnaire.
9. VanderSteeg, author’s questionnaire.
10. Mullins, author’s questionnaire.
11. Van Snider, M.D., author’s questionnaire.
CHAPTER 3
1. E. J. Daniels, evangelist from Florida.
2. The Women’s Study Bible: New King James Version, ed. Dorothy Kelly Patterson (Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1995), 2067. Used by permission.
3. Ibid.
4. Patsy Clairmont, God Uses Cracked Pots (Colorado Springs, Colo.: Focus on the Family Publishing, 1991), 18.
CHAPTER 4
1. Told to author by her mother Mabel (Mrs. Joe T.) Riley Odle in Jackson, Mississippi.
2. James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2001), 102. Used by permission.
3. VanderSteeg, author’s questionnaire.
4. George Barna, The Future of the American Family (Chicago, Ill.: Moody Publishing, 1993), 107. Used by permission.
5. Arlene Skolnick and Jerome Skolnick, Families in Transition, 6th ed. (Glenview, Ill.: Scott, Foresman and Company, l989). Taken from The Future of the American Family by George Barna.
6. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 102.
7. Leroy Brownlow, A Psalm in My Heart (Fort Worth, Tex.: Brownlow Publishing Co., 1989), May 2.
8. John Phillips, Exploring the Psalms, vol. 2 (Neptune, N.J.: Loizeau Brothers, 1986), 53. Used by permission.
CHAPTER 5
1. Benjamin Spock and Michael B. Rothenberg, Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care (New York, N.Y.: Pocket Books, 1998).
2. Dr. James Dobson, The Strong-Willed Child, Birth Through Adolescence (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1978), 20. Used by permission.
3. Van Snider, M.D., author’s questionnaire.
4. Dobson, The Strong-Willed Child, 76.
5. Ibid., 31–33.
6. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 236.
7. Random House Dictionary of the English Language, s.v. “discipline.”
8. Mark Lee, Our Children Are Our Best Friends (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan Publishing House, 1970), 178.
9. William T. Slonecker, M.D., Parenting Principles from the Heart of a Pediatrician (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2003), 68.
10. Author unknown.
11. Lee, Our Children Are Our Best Friends, 162.
12. Random House Dictionary of the English Language, s.v. “teach.”
13. Ibid., s.v. “train.”
14. Charles Thompson, Ph.D., professor of educational psychology and counseling at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. Used by permission.
15. Dr. Adrian Rogers, sermon at Bellevue Baptist Church, Cordova, Tennessee. Used by permission.
16. Peggy Perkins, former elementary school principal and former children’s director, author’s questionnaire.
17. Dr. Edwin Young, The Winning Walk (Broadcast Ministry of Second Baptist Church, Houston, Tex.), 13 November 2003. Used by permission.
18. Dr. James Merritt, sermon on parenting at First Baptist Church, Snellville, Georgia, 20 October 2002.
19. Marsolini, Blended Families, 112.
20. Daisy Hepburn, speaking at Bellevue Baptist Church, Memphis, Tennessee.
21. Van Snider, M.D., author’s questionnaire.
CHAPTER 6
1. Anne Taylor as quoted in God’s Little Devotional Book for Moms, 236.
2. Shannon Fife as quoted in God’s Little Devotional Book for Moms, 258.
3. Bertha Smith, Go Home and Tell (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman & Holman, 1995), 224.
4. Ibid.
5. Seminar by Major Ian Thomas, Founder and Director of The Torchbearers given at Bellevue Baptist Church, Cordova, Tennessee.
6. Van Snider, M.D., author’s questionnaire.
7. Dr. Adrian Rogers, speaking at Bellevue Baptist Church, Cordova, Tennessee. Used by permission.
8. Nancy Binkley, mother of three, educational consultant, and Bible Study Fellowship leader, author’s questionnaire.
9. The Women’s Study Bible, 2069.
10. Batten et al., Tough-Minded Parenting, 53.
CHAPTER 7
1. Noah Webster’s First Edition of An American Dictionary of the English Language (San Francisco, Calif.; Foundation for American Christian Education, 1967).
2. James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 250.
3. Ibid.
4. George Barna, “Parents Accept Responsibility for Their Child’s Spiritual Development but Struggle with Effectiveness,” 6 May 2003, Barna Online Research. Used by permission.
5. Cos H. Davis, Jr., Children and the Christian Faith, rev. ed. (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman Press, 1990), 46.
6. George Barna, “Beliefs: Salvation,” 1994.
7. The Women’s Study Bible, 877.
8. John Witherspoon, (1723–1794), source unknown.
9. “Time with God” The New Testament for Busy People (Dallas, Tex.: Word, 1991), 181; excerpt from Patrick Morley’s I Surrender (Word, 1990).
10. Ibid.
11. Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler, Right from Wrong (Nashville, Tenn.: W. Publishing, 1994), 91. All rights reserved.
12. Smalley and Trent, The Gift of Honor, 117.
13. Batten, et al., “Prime Time TV—a Clear and Present Danger,” Tough-Minded Parenting, 92.
14. McDowell and Hostetler, Right from Wrong, 35.
15. Henry Blackaby and Roy Edgemon, The Ways of God (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman & Holman, 2000), 47.
16. George Barna, “Parents Accept Responsibility,” 6 May 2003, Barna Online Research. Used by permission.
17. VanderSteeg, author’s questionnaire.
18. McDowell and Hostetler, Right from Wrong, 7.
19. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 248.
20. Ibid., 248–49.
21. Ibid., 249.
CHAPTER 8
1. Henry and Richard Blackaby, Experiencing God Day by Day Devotional (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman & Holman, 1998), 280.
2. Paul W. Powell, A Faith that Sings (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman Press, l989), 101.
3. Sidlow Baxter, Awake My Heart, 245, public domain.
CHAPTER 9
1. Davis, Children and the Christian Faith, 46.
2. Henry Blackaby and Claude V. King, Experiencing God (Nashville, Tenn.: LifeWay Press, 1990), 98.
3. J. B. Phillips, Letters to Young Churches (New York: The Macmillan Company, 1958), 27.
4. Rick Warren, The Purpose-Driven Life (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2002), 81.
5. VanderSteeg, author’s questionnaire.
6. George Barna, “Teens Evaluate the Church-Based Ministry They Received as Children,” 8 July 2003, Barna Research Online. Used by permission.
7. Ibid.
8. Taken from The Baptist Record, Journal of the Mississippi Baptist Convention, vol. 127, no. 38 (30 October 2003), 1.
9. Josh McDowell, Beyond Beliefs to Convictions (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, 2002), 5–7. Used by permission.
CHAPTER 10
1. Dr. Howard Hendricks, Family Seminar at Bellevue Baptist Church, Memphis, Tennessee, 1976.
2. Material taken from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, edited by James Reimann, copyright © 1992 by Oswald Chambers Publications Assn., Ltd. Original edition copyright © 1935 by Dodd Mead & Co., renewed 1963 by the Oswald Chambers Publications Assn., Ltd. Used by permission of Discovery House Publishers, Box 3566, Grand Rapids, MI 49501. All rights reserved.
3. Marjorie Holmes, “If Only,” Lord, Let Me Love (Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday and Company, Inc., 1978), 194.
4. Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me (Colorado Springs, Colo.: Waterbrook Press, 2000, 92–93). Used by permission.
5. Matthew Henry, A Commentary on the Whole Bible, vol. 1 (Old Tappan, N.J.: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1979), 865.
6. Arthur Cleveland Bent, “Familiar Birds: Golden Eagle Collection,” Life Histories of North American Birds, Electronic Book Collection, 7.
7. Jerry and Mary White, When Your Kids Aren’t Kids Anymore (Colorado Springs, Co.: Navpress, 1989), 8.
8. Author Unknown.
9. Joyce Rogers, The Secret of a Woman’s Influence (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman Press, 1988), 56.
10. Sarah Maddox and Patti Webb, A Woman’s Garden of Prayer (Nashville, Tenn.: Broadman & Holman, 2002), 110.
11. Ibid.
CONCLUSION
1. McDowell and Hostetler, Right from Wrong, 12–13.
2. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 250.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. Pat Brown, Christian counselor and mother, author’s questionnaire.
6. VanderSteeg, author’s questionnaire.
Appendix A
1. Random House Dictionary of the English Language, s.v. “discernment.”
2. William Barclay, The Daily Study Bible: The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians (Philadelphia, Penn.: The Westminster Press, l956), 153. Used by permission.
3. Ibid., 153–154.
4. Noah Webster’s First Edition of an American Dictionary of the English Language, s.v. “diligence.”
5. Ibid., s.v. “dedicate.”
Appendix B
1. Random House Dictionary of the English Language, s.v. “educate.”
2. Peggy Perkins, former elementary school principal and former children’s director, author’s questionnaire.
3. Stanley, How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team, 105.
Appendix C
1. Dan Dehaan, Intercepted by Christ (Lilburn Ga.: Crossroads Books, 1980), 53.
