In practicing the art of parenthood an ounce of example is worth a ton of preachment.

Wilfred Peterson, god’s little devotional book for moms

Chapter 3

I “Preached” Too Much

But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.

Ephesians 4:15 nasb

My husband has always accused me of being a third-generation preacher—following in the footsteps of my father and grandfather, both Southern Baptist ministers. But that was definitely not God’s plan for my life as a woman.I am certain, however, that much of the teaching I directed toward my children did sound a whole lot like preaching, for I wanted so much to convey to them a strong sense of right and wrong and a thorough understanding of biblical principles.

Sermonizing

To me, everything was basically black or white; there were few gray areas. I might give a “sermon” on unchristian television programming or admonish my kids about choosing the right friends. Sometimes it was a soliloquy about diligence in schoolwork. It really did not take much for me to launch forth into sermonizing—I just wanted to be sure they knew where their daddy and I stood.

At times when I was aware that my “preaching” was having no effect, I devised other ways to teach important principles and values. One way was through “silent sermons.” In our church one Sunday, an evangelist from Florida used a little saying in his sermon that I thought conveyed a powerful message. It went like this:

Sin will take you further than you want to go.

Sin will cost you more than you want to pay.

Sin will keep you longer than you want to stay.1

I liked this adage so well that one night I decided to print it in sizeable black letters on a large sheet of white poster paper. After finishing the task, I carefully placed the poster against the wall at the bottom of the steps so my two teenagers would see it when they came down to breakfast the next morning. I still remember the moans and groans I heard when they first saw it at the foot of the steps. Their less-than-enthusiastic reception did not prompt me to move it from its prominent viewing place. I left it there for several days, hoping it was making at least a tiny impression. A few months later our son came home from school and told me he had heard those exact words in a chapel service at his Christian school.I knew then that the poster had had an effect—he was familiar enough with the words to recognize them once more.

Many years later, when both of our adult children were members of the same church in Georgia, one of them called to tell me about their Sunday night service. A visiting minister was preaching that evening, and my children happened to be sitting together. When the minister began his message, he announced that he was basing his sermon on the following adage:

Sin will take you further than you want to go.

Sin will keep you longer than you want to stay.

Sin will cost you more than you want to pay.

My kids looked at each other, closed their notebooks, and one said to the other, “We already know about this, don’t we!” I praised the Lord that he had used my unorthodox method to get through to their minds and hearts. Evidently that “silent sermon” had resonated with them both.

A Painful Lesson

As the years went by, I tried very hard not to sound so preachy in my motherly counsel. Sometimes God would stop me in my tracks to make me aware that I was “preaching” again. The greatest lesson I learned about my sermonizing came when my son was eighteen years old and a senior in high school. Although this lesson is not a pleasant memory, it is forever etched on my brain.

It was a typical weekday afternoon. Alan unlocked the front door, walked into the house, and headed for the kitchen where I was preparing dinner. We began to converse about his day at school. After talking for a few moments, he made a statement that really upset me. I began to “preach” an intense and pointed “sermon.” It made him quite angry. He stormed out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and slammed shut the door to his room.

Immediately, I felt guilty. I knew I had “blown it” big time. Here I was, supposedly the mature Christian mother, and I had acted like an angry child. My preaching had gone from righteous indignation to simply venting my wrath. I was just plain angry!

I ran to my bedroom and, with great sadness, fell on my knees seeking God’s forgiveness. I knew I must make things right with God before I could make them right with Alan. As I prayed, confessed my sins, and sought God’s forgiveness, I opened my Bible to the book of James, chapter 1. Verse nineteen was very familiar and stood out immediately: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (niv). Then, as if it were in neon lights, verse 20 flashed before my eyes. If I had seen this verse before, it certainly had not attracted my attention as it did at that moment. James 1:20 states: “For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (nkjv). The New International Version translates it this way: “For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” As I read those words, I felt that God was clearly telling me that my angry, harsh words would not make my son godly—they would not produce the righteousness of God in his life. I must repent of my anger, asking God’s forgiveness, as well as my son’s. And one more thing God impressed upon my heart: I needed to stop preaching to this eighteen-year-old son of mine.

What a wake-up call! I could hardly wait to run upstairs and knock on Alan’s door. Alan invited me to come in. For the next hour and a half, we had one of the best conversations we have ever had. I asked his forgiveness for my harsh and angry words.

After asking for his forgiveness, I shared with Alan that I knew I had been preaching to him for nearly eighteen years, but that day it was going to stop.I would begin the process of “letting go” and “letting God” have his way in my son’s life. We agreed that by this time in his life he knew all the important biblical principles; he knew what his daddy and I believed; he knew right from wrong. He had received Jesus Christ as his Savior and Lord as a young boy. Now, he was eighteen years old—a young adult. It was time for me to step back and let him be an adult—without my interference. I would continue to intercede daily—and sometimes hourly—on his behalf. I would be there for him when he needed me, but the time had come for my preaching to stop.

Times, Tones, Terms

Alan didn’t hear as much preaching from his mom after that. I still have definite opinions which I do express. In these past few years, however, I have learned to couch them in less preachy terms. You see, I learned (though I still must be reminded from time to time) that there are three important T-words to remember when we parents are trying to get across our beliefs and ideas:

• Times

• Tones

• Terms

Times: We need to choose carefully the times we share our views and express our concerns. With girls, we can usually schedule a time to sit down with them and talk. With boys, we may have to catch them at a good time. During the teenage years it seemed that the best time for me to talk with my son was while I was cooking supper. He would often come and sit on the kitchen counter behind me. We seemed to communicate better that way than in a face-to-face confrontation. Timing is very important. Also remember: (1) if the child is hungry, feed him first, and (2) don’t try to compete with his favorite TV show!

Tones: I must watch my tone of voice. Most of us have heard someone say, “Don’t speak to me in that tone of voice.” This is a sign that one’s tone of voice is reflecting his emotional state. The tone of my voice may determine how the listener “hears” me—how he perceives what I am trying to say to him. If I have a conversation with a family member and my tone of voice is high pitched and loud, I may lose him or her right away, or receive a response I do not want to hear. When our ability to communicate is being adversely affected by our own negative emotions, we must stop and seek God’s enablement in what we wish to convey. Only he can empower us in every situation to speak with grace.

Terms: Last of all, we need to make sure our terms are loving and kind—we are to speak the truth lovingly. Ephesians 4:15 says: “But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ” (nasb).

Speak the Truth in Love

Because I have always had the desire to speak truthfully—to be forthright in all I say—“speaking the truth in love” has been a constant challenge for me.A short trip from Brentwood, Tennessee, to Parsons, Tennessee, reminded me of the need to incorporate this verse into my life on a daily basis. Our seven-year-old granddaughter, Emily, was in the backseat of my car with her nine-year-old brother, Riley. They had been spending a few days with us at our home in Brentwood. I was taking them back to their mother. At one point during the trip, Riley did something that irritated me. I quickly scolded him.

Emily waited a moment or two and then she asked, “Grandmother, have you heard of the verse, ‘speaking the truth in love’?” I told her, “Yes.” She then continued, “Grandmother, do you think you were speaking the truth in love?” I had to confess that I had not been. I asked forgiveness of both of my grand­children, praying that I would not forget that important little “sermon” from my precious granddaughter. Each of us must speak the truth in love.

Angry Monologues Produce Angry Dialogues

Although I admit to “preaching” to my children throughout the years they lived at home, I do not believe it is the best way for a mother to teach her children principles and values. This is especially true if the “sermon” turns into a monologue filled with anger. Angry monologues can bring on angrier dialogues! The writer of Proverbs warned: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1 nkjv). If I could repeat my parenting years,my motto would be: “Speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15 nasb).

Gracious Speech

We are to be firm in our convictions, but we must verbalize our values in a kind and loving way. We mothers are to speak as did the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31:26: “She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (nasb). Our speech is to be “with grace, seasoned, as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person” (Col. 4:6 nasb).

A Meek and Quiet Spirit

As a young mother, I often heard teachings on 1 Peter 3:4, which reads: “a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (kjv). The New King James Version translates it in this way: “a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” The desire to have a meek and quiet spirit was implanted in my heart, but I knew I wasn’t meek and quiet by nature. Should I try to alter my personality? God showed me that the solution would be found not in attempting to change my personality but rather through examining my heart. The Women’s Study Bible says, “This quality [of a meek and quiet spirit] is not a reference to genetically acquired personality traits, such as being a person of few words, but rather to an attitude marked by the absence of anxiety, coupled with a trust in God as the blessed controller of all things.”2 An attitude marked by the absence of anxiety: that is what God desired for me. Trust in the blessed controller of all things: that is what God desired from me.

Our heavenly Father wants our hearts to be right with him and our wills to be surrendered to his control. Our words may need to be strong, but they must come from a heart that is yielded to him. Only the Holy Spirit can work in us so that we will have a meek and quiet spirit. We must allow him to do so. The Women’s Study Bible further states: “A woman ­characterized by a ‘gentle and quiet’ spirit is not only precious to God and a glory to her husband, but a joy to all who are around her.”3 Isn’t that the way all of us women would like to be?

The Words of My Mouth—

the Meditation of My Heart

The psalmist expressed for us what I believe should be our daily prayer: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Ps. 19:14 niv). For my words to be pleasing in God’s sight, the meditations of my heart must first be pleasing. If my heart is not right with God, my words will not be acceptable to him. Matthew 15:18 says: “The things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart” (nasb). (There is an old saying that states it another way: “What’s down in the well, comes up in the bucket.”) Another familiar Bible verse is Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (nkjv). We cannot expect good words to come out of a heart that is not “thinking right”—a heart that is not in tune with the Lord.

Alone in God’s Presence

How will the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in God’s sight? How will I be able to consistently speak the truth in love? It can only happen as I spend time daily in the presence of the Lord, seeking to get my heart right with him and seeking his wisdom, his will, and his ways of accomplishing his purposes for me and for my children. As a Christian mother, I have discovered that spending time with my Lord each day is a necessity—I can’t do without it; my children can’t do without it. (For more on prayer, see chapter 8, “I Constantly Prayed for My Children.”)

As Patsy Clairmont so appropriately reminds us: “When mommy talks to Jesus, we’re all a lot better off.”4

If I had it to do over, I would talk to Jesus a whole lot more and preach to my children a whole lot less.