Surrender is best demonstrated in obedience and trust.

Rick Warren, The Purpose-Driven Life

Chapter 10

I Was Willing to Let Go and Let God Have His Way in Their Lives

“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.”

Psalm 31:14–15 niv

Hannah’s Story

The story of Hannah is a wonderful Old Testament narrative that has been a marvelous example to mothers and “want-to-be” mothers through the years. We first see Hannah’s unabated longing for a child. Then comes her earnest petition to the Lord, with the accompanying promise to give the child back to the Lord for all the days of his life. God answers her fervent prayers. A child is born to her and her husband, Elkanah. They name the child Samuel. As Hannah promised, when Samuel is weaned, she brings him to the house of the Lord at Shiloh to return him to the One who had given her the precious “gift.” As she presents Samuel to Eli the priest, she says, as re­corded in 1 Samuel 1:27–28: “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord” (niv). Hannah serves as an example to all mothers because she truly “let go and let God” have his way in Samuel’s life.

Letting Go and Letting God

Letting go and letting God have his way is often difficult because it involves surrender—the surrender of someone or some thing. For Hannah, it meant the surrender of her only child. Surrender is often painful—especially when it encompasses sacrifice. This was indeed a sacrifice for Hannah; she was giving up what she had wanted more than anything else—a son. She would not get to raise him in their home. He would grow up in the temple with Eli. Hannah’s faith in God was clearly evident, as she literally gave up her child to God willingly. She truly “let go and let God.”

Letting Go and Letting God Demands Faith

Letting go and letting God always demands that we exercise faith. You and I may not have to surrender the “right” to raise our children in our homes. We may not, as Hannah, have to be physically separated from them when they are small children. But we must be willing to commit them fully to the Lord—allowing him to have his will and his way in their lives for their entire existence. I believe this commitment should come even before the child is born.

Our two children were God’s special gifts to my husband and me. He created them and gave them to us to care for and nurture for a few short years. We had to be willing to allow God to work in them as he desired, without our interference. It would involve giving up some of our plans, our hopes, and our dreams for them. It was, for us, a matter of surrender and obedience, bolstered by our faith in the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Lord. We knew that one day, when the time was right, we would be called on to untie those apron strings and literally “let them go.”

Walking by Faith

Second Corinthians 5:7 tells us that we “walk by faith, not by sight” (nasb). Often it is much easier to walk by sight than to walk by faith, especially where our children are concerned. And yet, Paul admonishes us in Colossians 2:6–7: “Therefore [as you] have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed” (nasb). Once we have received Jesus Christ by faith, we are to walk—to live—by faith. We have entrusted our lives to Jesus at salvation. Now, as born-again ones, we are to trust him with our daily lives and the lives of our offspring. We have embarked upon a “faith walk.”

The Two Sides of Faith

Hebrews ll:6 says: “But without faith it is impossible to please him” (kjv). Years ago I heard Barbara Lee Johnson, a Christian women’s speaker from Orlando, Florida, say that faith has two sides: “letting go” and “hanging on.” At first that statement sounded contradictory, but the more I pondered it, the more I came to realize its truthfulness. Sometimes as I sought to exercise my faith and trust in God concerning my children, he showed me that I must let go of some things in my heart and life before I could pray in faith, believing. At other times, trusting God with my children meant hanging on to his promises as I waited for him to do his work in them. That also involved surrender—I had to yield to God’s timetable for answering my prayers.

Letting Go of My Will

Frequently throughout my years of praying for my children I had to let go of something to which I was “holding on.” Often it was my desires for my child.I might try to kid myself that I was really trusting God with my children, but until I let go of what I thought was best, I knew I was not truly entrusting them to God’s care. I was making demands instead of requests. I was really saying, “Please, God, have my will, not yours.”

I remember vividly when my daughter was in the eighth grade. She came home from school one afternoon and announced that she wanted to be on the basketball team. For some mothers that would not be a problem. For me, it was. You see, I had other plans for my daughter. I wanted her to follow in my footsteps, playing the piano and enjoying the school and church activities I had enjoyed. My vision for her did not include participation in organized sports. Since I was not one bit athletic, I simply did not appreciate sports programs for girls. Of course, I had already seen that Melanie was quite an athlete. She loved to play basketball whenever she could find a basketball goal.

I had hoped she had gotten any “athletic notions” out of her system. Was I ever wrong! When she wanted to play junior high basketball, her momma was not too thrilled. What was I going to tell her?

Wouldn’t you know that as my husband and I prayed, God led us to a conference on the family!Dr. Howard Hendricks was one of the speakers. His theme was “Train up a child in the way he should go” from Proverbs 22:6 (kjv). Quite unexpectedly, I heard him say that to train up a child in the way he should go not only meant to encourage him in the way God intended him to go, but also in the way the child was bent. God had created our children with unique ­abilities and talents. They ought to be encouraged in that direction.1 My conclusion: if our daughters were athletic and wanted to play ball, we ought to allow them to do so. If our sons were interested in writing, we ought to encourage them in that direction.

As I sat in our church sanctuary listening to Dr. Hendricks, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart.I knew I must respond to his urgings. Okay, Lord, I hear you, was my silent reply to my heavenly Father that day. I let go of my will for Melanie, my plans and desires for her, and I submit to your perfect will for her life. I know she is a super athlete and that you made her that way.I must allow her to use and develop those abilities you have equipped her with. I let go—but could I ask just one little thing, Lord? Could you please let her be feminine?!

Melanie played junior high basketball for the next two years, moving on to her Christian high school varsity girls’ basketball team when the junior high years were completed. My husband and I attended nearly every one of her games. We thoroughly enjoyed being spectators. When Melanie was a senior, she was point guard for her team and played most of each game. Imagine my delight when during one of her senior year games, someone sitting behind us in the bleachers leaned over, tapped me on the shoulder, and exclaimed: “Sarah, just look at that Melanie. She could go to a wedding from the basketball court! She always has every hair in place.” At that moment I realized that in yielding to God’s will for Melanie, she and I had both been given the desires of our hearts: she was getting to play her beloved basketball, but she was a very feminine young lady! (Isn’t God good!)

Today our daughter is a wonderful wife and mother of two, an outstanding women’s speaker and Bible teacher, an excellent schoolteacher, and a gracious hostess. We are so very, very proud of her. She is everything we could want our daughter to be. Our God does such a wonderful job with our children when we “let them go” and let him have his way in their lives. He always does what is best for our children!

Letting Go of Fears and Fretting

As our two kids were maturing, it was not only my plans that I sometimes had to give up. In dealing with circumstances in each child’s life, I frequently had to let go of my fears. I often was filled with fear for my children’s well-being—with fear instead of faith.I wonder how many times I had to be reminded that I must let go of my fears if I was to walk by faith. How often did I hold on to those fears when I knew I should confess them and let them go?

At other times I had to let go of my fretting. In the July 4 devotional reading of My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers speaks to the issue of fretting. He states: “Fretting is one of God’s great ‘don’ts.’ Fretting means getting ourselves ‘out of joint’ mentally or spiritually. Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way.”2

God said: “Do not fret—it leads only to evil”(Ps. 37:8 niv). One day he really convicted me of the sin of fretting, and I’ll never forget what he taught me. That morning I was sitting at my desk, attempting to write an article for a magazine. Nothing would materialize. Why? Because I was fretting about the circumstances that had occurred in __________’s life. I was thinking: If only this had not happened. If only that had not happened. If only, if only, if only. I was living in the “circle of regret.” My thoughts seemed to be circling around each other. I was getting absolutely nowhere. When we live in the “circle of regret,” we are like a broken record, spinning round and round with an uncertain sound, making some very annoying noises, and being of use to no one.

Since I was not making progress with my writing, I decided to call for an appointment at the beauty shop. Perhaps a new hairdo would be the antidote for “what ailed me” (one of my grandmother’s favorite descriptions). Fortunately, my beautician had time on her schedule.

The beautifying process entailed washing, setting, and sitting under the hairdryer for an hour. This lengthy stay under the dryer allowed ample time for reading and study. Since I had brought nothing to read, it didn’t take long for me to resume my fretting and worrying. A lady came over to me to ask me if I had read a new book by Marjorie Holmes entitled Lord, Let Me Love. Since I had not, she offered it to me for my perusal. In my agitated state, I quickly flipped the pages. Nothing seemed to catch my attention until I turned a page and read the title: “If Only.” The first sentence of the dissertation seemed to jump off the page. It read: “Please rescue me, God, from the ‘if onlys.’”3 Immediately I knew I had found the antidote. I needed to be “rescued” from the “if onlys.” I was wallowing in the sin of unbelief.

I could hardly wait to get home to my place of prayer—a spot by the window in my living room. As I knelt there, I confessed to the Lord my sin of unbelief. You see, in reality I had been saying, “Lord, I don’t believe you are big enough to handle this situation by yourself. I think I can help you by worrying.” How foolish our human reasoning can be!

But the Lord did not chide me for that foolishness and lack of faith. Instead, he seemed to say to me that day, “I forgive you, and I want you to move from ‘if only’ to ‘only God.’ Only I (God) could have allowed this to happen to your child, for everything that comes into the life of the Christian is ‘Father-filtered,’ and only I (God) have the solution. Turn this situation over to me so that I can handle it for your child.”

That morning I did move from “if only” to “only God” as I let go of my fretting and yielded this un­pleasant predicament to my heavenly Father. I knew that God had allowed these circumstances and only he could solve this problem. I must “let go and let God.” What was the result? God did work his perfect solution in that situation—a solution far better than I could have possibly imagined!

I cannot tell you how many times since that day I have had to repeat the process of moving from “if only” to “only God.” God wants to rescue us from the “if onlys.” He does not want us to spend our lives in the “circle of regret.” When we find ourselves there, we can know that we are not walking by faith. We are not trusting God to take care of the situation. We are still trying to fix things ourselves. Something in our lives is unsurrendered. We must let go, moving from “if only” to “only God.” As author Kay Arthur has said: “He knows how to extract maximum good and maximum glory out of every situation, no matter what.”4

The Transition Years

As the years progressed, all too soon the transition period in our children’s lives was upon us. The day when they would be “leaving the nest” loomed precariously on the horizon. One day I heard a presentation on the life of a mother eagle. I discovered that we mothers can learn a lot from observing the habits of the mother eagle. Listen to a passage from the book of Deuteronomy. In describing the greatness of our God, the writer of Deuteronomy compares Almighty God to an eagle and says: “Like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. The Lord alone led him” (Deut. 32:11–12 niv).

Matthew Henry, in his commentary on verse 11, gives us a clear picture of the eagle’s ongoing relationship with her young. He points out that she protects them, makes provision for them, educates them, and teaches them to fly. Later on she “stirs them out of their nests where they lie dozing, flutters over them to show them how they must use their wings, and then accustoms them to fly upon her wings till they have learnt to fly on their own.”5 While the eaglets are learning to fly solo, just when they are about to fall to the ground, the mother eagle sweeps under them and carries them back to the starting place.6

As mothers, we make provision for our young children, educating them in morals and scriptural values and principles. The child-raising years are a time of fluttering over them. Like the mother eagle, we carry them “on our wings” many times as they depend on us for many things. We are there to pick them up when they fall, to serve as a sounding board for their complaints, and to be a listening ear and soft shoulder for their hurts. “Momma” is the one to whom they go so often—the one on whom they lean throughout their growing up years. But it is also our responsibility to teach them how to use their “wings.” We know there will come a time when they must know how to “fly” by themselves. They cannot stay in the “nest” forever.

As we come closer to the time of “flying solo,” the parent-child relationship will experience some changes. Just as the mother eagle stirs her eaglets out of the nest, we must encourage our children to “try their wings” more and more. This means that we must let go of some of the control of their lives, allowing them to make more decisions for themselves. Learning to “fly on your own” is not easy. We may have to sit back sometimes and watch our children be uncomfortable. It is an unsettled time for our children; it will often be unsettling for us.

While going through this difficult process, it helps to keep in mind the long-term goals for our children toward which we have been striving through the years. One goal is for them to be able to function well independently of us, both physically and emotionally. We want them to be dedicated fully to the Lord and submissive to his perfect will for their lives. What they need from us at this time is respect for their desire for independence, encouragement in the right direction, and our constant prayer support. We must not seek to manipulate their lives; rather, we should seek to minister to them.

As my husband and I were traveling through this unpredictable transition time in our family, seeking to find a way to handle it gracefully, God led me to a book entitled When Your Kids Aren’t Kids Anymore, by Jerry and Mary White. Authored by parents of four adult children, I knew it would contain helpful advice for mothers in the midst of this stage of their lives.(It was so insightful that I later taught the book in the women’s ministry of our church.) The author stated that the elements of the parental process “can be summed up in four words: control, coaching, counsel and caring.”7 They described in detail each of these four elements. In doing so, they helped me to see that as the years advanced, my hands-on parenting was to slowly retreat. I was to move from the controlling and coaching phases into the counseling phase. The caring phase, however, which had begun before our children were born, would continue forever.

Verbal Restraint: The Order of the Day

While attending a party with several other ­mothers of soon-to-be-adult children, I heard a comment that aided me in the area of communication. One of the mothers told us of some counsel she had been given concerning her nearly adult children. “At this age,” she had been advised, “they don’t want you to ask them anything or tell them anything.” I knew this was a nearly impossible task, but it really started me thinking. Didn’t I need to ask fewer questions and give fewer instructions? Yes, I determined, I did. My new resolve was soon put into practice. Verbal restraint became my motto. I wasn’t always successful, but my children will tell you that things improved.

I also learned that when we are communicating with these late-teenage children, our words are affected by the family’s past history. We may be saying one thing, but our children may be “hearing” another because of past experiences. We must think and pray before we speak. Verbal restraint needs to be the order of the day. Our daily prayer should be: “Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff and nudge me when I’ve said enough.”8

The Arrival of Adulthood

All too soon our first child reached adulthood.A few years later, our second child followed in her footsteps. We had entered a new season of our lives, with changes in our relationships. When something was “broken” in their lives, it was not Roland’s or my responsibility to “fix” it. We were to be available for counsel and to spend much time in intercessory prayer on their behalf, but to “fix” it—no way! Joyce Rogers, in her excellent book The Secret of a Woman’s Influence, gives some good advice about our relationship with our adult children. She says that our motto should be:

Hands off, prayers on.

Mouths shut, hearts open.9

As our children reach adulthood, we literally must “let them go.” But in doing so, a new chapter will be opened for the majority of us—a chapter of relating to our children adult to adult. It will be a joyful time of shared experiences and blessings. As I stated in A Woman’s Garden of Prayer: “This new relationship of adult to adult can be so precious, as you see that child of yours growing up and assuming responsibilities, as you see him put into practice those many things he’s learned ‘at mother’s knee.’”10 And don’t ever forget: “Those adult children will still need your love, your support, your counsel and your prayers. You are and always will be their mother.”11

In every phase of our children’s lives, we are called on to “let go and let God”—to submit to his will and his way for our children. When the time comes for them to be on their own, we must “untie those apron strings”—truly letting go of our children. At the same time, we must hang on to God and his precious promises. As we intercede for our children, you and I can trust God to hear and answer our prayers, to work mightily in their lives, and to make all things that happen to them work together for their good and his glory. God is in control. He is sovereign, and he is utterly trustworthy! God says in Jeremiah 33:3: “Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know” (nasb). In Psalm 138:8 we gain further assurance from our Lord: “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me” (nkjv).

A young man had a plaque on his bedroom wall that read: “Let God!” As he was striving to let God have his way in his life, the young man seemed to be getting nowhere. One day when he came into his room, he noticed something different about this plaque. The d had fallen off. The plaque no longer read, “Let God.” It now read: “Let Go.”

At that moment the light seemed to dawn for the young man. He realized there was something he needed to do. In order to let God have his perfect way in his life, he needed to let go of some things to which he was holding on. Until he “let go and let God,”he could not accomplish God’s purposes for him. He must surrender to the Lord.

Roland and I let go and let God have his way in our children’s lives.