We hand down our faith by principle . . . instructing our children in the ways of God.
Charles Stanley, How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team
Chapter 7
I Brought My Children Up “In the Nurture and Admonition of the Lord”
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4 kjv
Having a godly heritage is one of my most valuable “possessions.” I was privileged to grow up in a strong Christian home, to be brought up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” My heritage greatly influenced my child raising.I longed for my children to have a godly heritage too.
A United Pair
God gave me a wonderful Christian husband who had the same goals and desires I had for our children. We were in total agreement as to the way our children should be raised. Roland also had been brought up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” His life gave testimony to his godly training. He was a wonderful example to our children of how a Christian should live. His consistency was a shining light in our home. Our children could always look to their daddy for wisdom and instruction. They could safely follow his example in their dealings with others—at school, at church, and in the world. He is a man of integrity. His word is his bond. And his desire, like mine, was to bring up our children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
“The Nurture and Admonition of the Lord”
This verse in Ephesians 6:4 was a Scripture my preacher granddaddy often quoted. What does this “old-fashioned sounding” Bible verse mean? What does it mean to bring children up in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (or in the “training and instruction of the Lord,” as the New International Version states)? The word nurture is from the Greek word paideia, which means “to train up a child.” As we nurture our children, we train them up in the ways of the Lord. The word admonition is from the Greek word nouthesia, which means “to call attention to; a mild rebuke or warning.” The dictionary defines admonition in this way: “To counsel against wrong practices.”1 Therefore, if we seek to bring up our children in the “admonition of the Lord,” our instruction will call attention to and counsel against those practices that the Bible declares are wrong. It will not be based on any so-called “expert” advice that contradicts God’s Word. It will not be based on the thinking of man. Our instruction and training will be biblically based—founded on God’s Holy Word, the Bible. Second Timothy 3:16–17 gives us many compelling reasons for basing our lives on the Scriptures: “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work” (nkjv). The New Living Translation states it as follows: “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right. It is God’s way of preparing us in every way, fully equipped for every good thing God wants us to do.”
Spiritual Development
Many parents are careful to see that their kids are enrolled in courses and activities that will enhance their mental and physical development. They run hither, thither, and yon so their children will “not miss out on anything.” No development, however, is more fundamental to a Christian’s life than spiritual development. In Bringing Up Boys Dr. James Dobson says:
Not only is spiritual development of relevance to eternity, it is also critical to the way your children will live out their days on this earth. Boys [and girls] need to be well established in their faith in order to understand the meaning of good and evil. They are growing up in a postmodern world in which all ideas are considered equally valid and nothing is really wrong. [To them] wickedness is bad only in the minds of those who think it is bad. People who live by this godless outlook on life are headed for great pain and misery. The Christian worldview, by contrast, teaches that good and evil are determined by the God of the universe and that He has given us an unchanging moral standard by which to live. He also offers forgiveness from sins, which boys (and girls) have good reason to need. Only with this understanding is a child being prepared to face the challenges that lie ahead. Yet most American children receive no spiritual training whatsoever!2
Teaching our children the precepts of God’s Holy Word is absolutely essential if our children are to develop a Christian worldview. It is crucial that they know the difference between right and wrong. If they are not brought up “in the training and instruction of the Lord,” they will be “headed for great pain and misery.” They will not be prepared to face the imminent challenges of the postmodern world. Their spiritual development is of the utmost importance for now and for eternity.
Dr. Dobson’s commentary on today’s parents is staggering and sobering when he states: “Yet most American children receive no spiritual training whatsoever.”3 George Barna, in a survey released in May 2003, stated: “Close to nine out of ten parents of children under age 13 (85%) believe they have the primary responsibility for the spiritual development of children, but few parents spend time during a typical week interacting with their children on spiritual matters.” According to the research, “parents typically have no plan for the spiritual development of their children; do not consider it a priority, have little or no training in how to nurture a child’s faith, have no related standards or goals they are seeking to satisfy, and experience no accountability for their efforts.”4
Spiritual Development
The lack of spiritual development in children is obviously a monumental problem in today’s world. It is one that must be addressed! Roland and I believed that the spiritual training and development of our children was the most significant “course” in which they would ever be enrolled. We also believed (and still do) that it is God’s desire for parents to be the main teachers of this vital course. If our children are to have a biblically-based value system, we must assume the responsibility for their spiritual development. In his book Children and Christian Faith, Cos Davis says, “The family relationship, more than any other, is the basic influence on the value development of children.”5 Our “marching orders” are clear: We, as parents, must fulfill our God-given responsibility. We have a job to do!
Taking the First Step
What then is the first step? I believe Bible-based child-training begins with seeking to lead our children to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.
Every one of us is a sinner in need of the Savior, Jesus Christ. The Bible clearly spells this out for us in Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (niv).
God loved us so much that he sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. Romans 5:8 states: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (niv).
Through repentance of our sins and faith in Jesus Christ, we receive salvation—the gift of eternal life. In Romans 10:9 we read, “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (niv).
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16 kjv).
John 1:12 states: “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become to sons of God, even to them that believe on his name” (kjv).
Salvation is through Jesus Christ and him alone. Our children need to clearly understand this fact. In John 14:6 Jesus declared: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (niv). In a day when many different paths are being presented as a way to God, how essential it is for our children to know that the Bible clearly teaches that Jesus is the only way to eternal life.
Parenthetically, because the most important decision a person makes is to trust Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, we need to pray that our children will receive Jesus as Savior and Lord early in their lives. George Barna says: “Most of the people who accept Jesus Christ as their Savior do so at a young age.”6
The Fear of the Lord
Bible-based child training—bringing our children up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”—also means helping them to develop a reverential fear of God, an awesome reverence for God. The Women’s Study Bible describes the fear of God as “the attitude of reverent obedience.”7 Ecclesiastes 12:13 admonishes us: “Fear God and keep His commandments” (nkjv). Proverbs 14:27 says: “The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death” (niv).
John Witherspoon once said: “It is only the fear of God that can deliver us from the fear of man.”8
I love what Patrick Morley, author of I Surrender, said about fearing the Lord. He couched it in everyday language so that even a child can understand its meaning. He stated: “The fear of the Lord is to love what God loves and to hate what God hates.”9 He went on to say that God loves wisdom and hates evil.10 Proverbs 8:13 says: “To fear the Lord is to hate evil” (niv). Psalm 111:10 tells us: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (nkjv). If we truly fear the Lord, I believe we will have an “attitude of reverent obedience” toward God, and a desire to honor and obey our heavenly Father in all we do. We will love what he loves and hate what he hates. He is the sovereign Lord who reigns over all. He alone is worthy of our deep reverence and complete obedience.
Author Josh McDowell gives further emphasis to the importance of teaching our children to fear the Lord. He writes: “To develop a strong moral foundation within our young people we must teach them, first, to fear God, and secondly, to recognize him as the basis—the origin—of all truth.”11 Developing a strong moral foundation begins with developing a fear of the Lord. To learn what it means to fear the Lord is essential for both parents and children who desire to live godly, Christ-honoring, productive lives. He is the Source—the only source—of all truth. Proverbs 1:7 tells us: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (niv).
Additional verses that extol the benefits of fearing the Lord are:
Psalm 85:9—“Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land.” (niv)
Proverbs 16:6—“Through the fear of the Lord a man avoids evil.” (niv)
Proverbs 14:26–27 encourages us by stating: “He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.” (niv)
Proverbs 15:16 warns: “Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil.” (niv)
Psalm 25:12 assures us of God’s guidance: “Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.” (niv)
Psalm 33:18–19 gives us great comfort: “But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.” (niv)
Boundaries
What else must we do to train and instruct our children in the ways of God? I believe we must set high standards of conduct for our children—there must be definite boundaries. That was the practice Roland and I followed in our home. The Holy Bible, with its moral absolutes, contained the set of standards on which we built our family boundaries and based all of our rules. Roland and I believed that not only do parents have a right to set boundaries, they have the responsibility to see that the boundaries are clearly defined and understood.
I agree with Gary Smalley and John Trent when they say: “Family boundaries are protective ‘fences’ put around a child for his security, support, and accountability. They give a child a sense of these things as he clearly sees limits on acceptable and unacceptable behavior. They also provide much-needed accountability when it comes to opening his life to positive people and experiences while closing the door to negative ones.”12 Family boundaries assist in teaching the child to say no to self and yes to God.
Boundaries help children to know they are loved. One way God communicates his love for us is by giving us protective boundaries and disciplining us if we go outside the fence of his Word. “The Lord disciplines those He loves,” says Hebrews 12:6 (niv). My husband and I set boundaries for our children—and tried to see that they were not breached because we loved our children too much not to do so.
It was encouraging to read in Child magazine that a professor at a liberal university in America was encouraging parents to set appropriate limits for their children in order to enhance the development of their children’s character. Even the secular world acknowledges the importance of boundaries.
It would be foolish for me to leave the impression that our children always followed our rules, that they never crossed the boundaries. They, as is true of all children, broke some of those rules. But they clearly knew the rules and understood they were to be followed. They understood the consequences of disobeying those rules. This was a vital part of our seeking to pass on our values to our kids.
Certain things were strictly off-limits at our house. For example, we had no alcohol or cigarettes in our home. R-rated movies and videos were not allowed. Certain kinds of music were taboo. Television was monitored very carefully. Because of my active involvement in fighting against the moral pollution inundating our nation, I was keenly aware of the dangers of too much TV and the detrimental effects certain television programs were having on our children.
The authors of Tough-Minded Parenting issue a straightforward warning to parents and grandparents under the heading: “Prime Time TV—a Clear and Present Danger”: “Television is the anti-vision medium. Children are constantly being removed from their home values as effectively as though they were taken for several months of every year to another world. Few parents would knowingly choose this world of negative values. We are often so careful about the day care, the preschool, the friends, and other examples our children will see. Why, then, do we turn them over to the passive television baby-sitter who fills their minds with uselessness and harmful examples of how to live?”13
Josh McDowell’s assessment should be a wake-up call for us all. He says, “Movies and TV present a totally unrealistic model of actions and consequences. But more poisonous still is the impact of a daily diet of characters and shows that display little distinction between right and wrong and little relationship between a person’s actions and the consequences that result from his or her behavior.”14
At our house, television programs were carefully screened. And one more thing: the same movies, videos, and television programs that were off-limits to our kids were also off-limits to us, their parents. If our kids shouldn’t view something, neither should we. There was not one set of standards for the kids and another for the adults!
Maddoxes’ Laws
As long as our children lived under our roof, daddy’s rules were to be followed. These were affectionately called “Maddoxes’ Laws.” Roland has always said that he believes in the “golden rule”—“He who has the gold makes the rules.” He also believes in the Golden Rule from God’s Word—“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matt. 7:12 niv).
One of my husband’s rules was that every boy our daughter dated had to be interviewed first by her daddy. To many of today’s teenagers, that might sound unbelievable and unreasonable, but it served as a protection for our daughter and turned out to be a positive aspect of her life. Those young men respected her dad and, in turn, respected his daughter. I recall one young man who walked the length of a high school gym to shake hands with my husband, even though the boy and our daughter were no longer dating. He and my husband had established a relationship of friendship and respect.
Moral Absolutes
Today, many parents fail to see the need for setting boundaries for their children or teaching them the difference between right and wrong. They have no moral absolutes. How tragic! In this day of permissiveness, my husband’s and my way of life during our children’s maturing years may seem strict to some observers. But the facts of sin and its devastating consequences were always prevalent in our minds. We knew that our children might not always do what was right, but they would always know what was right.
Teaching children the difference between right and wrong is absolutely essential for Christian parents. The Bible is still our authority—the moral absolutes in the Bible are true in the day in which we live. The Ten Commandments have not become merely “suggestions for living.” We may not be able to display them in the public square, but they must still be written on our hearts and practiced in our lives. God gave them to Moses for a reason. God knew what man needed. His commands were given out of his great love for us. They were given for our good.
In their outstanding book The Ways of God, Henry Blackaby and Roy Edgemon tell us: “The Father’s commands bring life. They are not legalistic demands from an angry God. A command from the Father is an invitation from perfect love to see more of God’s love than you have ever known. . . . God’s commands, like every word from God, are a gift to you from the One who loves you most.”15
Obedience Brings Blessing
God’s commands were his gift to us, his children, given because of his great love for us. My husband and I set high standards for our kids because of our great love for them. We wanted God’s best for them. We wanted them to avoid all the heartache possible. We knew obedience to the Lord’s commands brings blessings. Disobedience results in negative consequences and sorrow. As we instilled within them God’s truths—biblical precepts—we prayed that, as a result, they would be kept from sin and suffering. We wanted them to have a thirst for God’s Word and the discipline to study it. Our great desire was for them to walk in God’s truth all the days of their lives.
The “Hidden” Word
We prayed that not only would they come to love God’s Word, they also would learn it. To reinforce our teachings and our beliefs, we knew they must hide God’s Word in their hearts. Once they left home, we would no longer be there to instruct and teach. They needed to have the Scriptures “at their fingertips,” to give them wisdom and help in the many challenging circumstances they would face. Psalm 119:11 says: “Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You” (nkjv).
In an online survey entitled “Parents Accept Responsibility for Their Child’s Spiritual Development but Struggle with Effectiveness,” George Barna states: “Although parents are generally unaware of how their children are doing in terms of spiritual development, the survey indicated that the two areas that parents acknowledged as weaknesses for their children were: knowing how to study the Bible and memorizing Bible verses.”16 I believe one of the most significant things we did for our children was to see that they memorized Scriptures, beginning at an early age. Those verses our children learned when they were young have stayed with them all their lives. Psalm 119:105 assures us: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (nkjv).
I shall never forget what a dear friend—who had come to know the Lord Jesus as an adult—said to me: “I am so jealous of your storehouse of memorized Scriptures. I would give anything if I had learned all those verses as a child. I spend so much time trying to find where a verse is located in my Bible.” What a great gift to give your child—the gift of seeing to it that he memorizes Scripture. It will be a gift that never stops giving.
The Model of Deuteronomy Six
What are some other things we can institute in our homes as we seek to instill God’s principles in our children’s lives, bringing them up “in the training and instruction of the Lord”? I believe we are to follow the model of Deuteronomy 6: Moses said: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates” (Deut. 6:6–9 niv).
In commenting on the practical outworking of this verse, Ruth Ann VanderSteeg, mother of five adult children, all of whom are serving the Lord, wrote:
We included the Lord Jesus in our conversations; we prayed all the time about everything—from lost car keys to a car that wouldn’t start in the middle of an intersection, to praise and thanksgiving for life, for family, for a beautiful day. In praying for big things and small things, we talked to God and they learned to hear from him. We included the Lord Jesus in our conversations, not just at ‘appropriate times,’ but in our everyday conversations. We taught them that Jesus was their Savior, their Lord, and their very best friend, because that is what he is to us. We never kept that quiet; we talked about him continually.17
Importance of the Family Altar
One effective instrument we used to carry out the commands of Deuteronomy 6 was the family altar—a time of family worship. We explored many different options for this time together. Of course it changed with the differing ages and stages. We used a series of books entitled Little Visits with God when our children were small. They loved these books. As they grew older, we did a lot of teaching from the book of Proverbs. When the children were preteens, one day a week they would be in charge of this time of family worship. We have some special memories of those days. Although it was hard to find time to worship as a family when all the activities for the children were in full swing, we kept on trying to observe this time. As I look back, it was definitely worth the effort.
Building Character Into Your Children
It is always a “good time” to build character in your children. Use every opportunity as a teaching and learning opportunity. Using Proverbs to teach basic character traits is an excellent place to begin (and stay for long periods of time). There are also many good books available on character building today. Since so few books were available in the seventies, I devised lessons of my own. The impartation of our values was of the utmost importance to us as parents.
Prayer—An Essential Ingredient
Prayer was an integral part of our family worship time. We had a large, circular coffee table that was only twelve inches above the floor. At night our family gathered around it to pray. It was used on many other occasions for the same purpose. Many prayers ascended to the Father from that spot in our den. Time and again we saw God’s answers to the prayers that were offered there. When our son moved into his own home, this table meant so much to him that he asked if he could take it with him. We were thrilled with his request. It had truly become a special place of family prayer.
Our dear friends the Orman Simmonses began a special Sunday night family prayer time when their three daughters reached middle school and high school age. After church, Mom and Dad would gather with the girls and talk about the week ahead. Then they would list prayer requests from each member of the family. All during the week they could pray for each other. The following Sunday evening, they met again to see how God had answered and blessed that week. Then they prayed for the upcoming week. What a great idea!
It is easy for parents to rush the nighttime prayer and worship time with the kids because of time constraints and weariness. However, to do so on a regular basis will convey to the children that this nightly event is not very important for you or for them. This, of course, is the opposite of what you want to teach. Work hard to rearrange schedules to protect this precious family time. You will never regret it. When your children are gone, you will long for these special times with them.
Goal of Bible-Based Child Training
The goal of Bible-based child training is to develop mature Christian adults whose lives are grounded in God’s Word—young adults with a biblical worldview whose lives reflect their beliefs. In March 1993, in Dallas, Texas, forty-two Christian youth leaders met with Josh McDowell in a symposium examining the state of the youth culture. For more than two days they sought to determine the most pressing problems of today’s youth and the best ways of addressing this generation. “One hundred percent of the participants ranked this generation’s loss of a biblically-based value system as their number one concern.”18
In his latest book, Bringing Up Boys, Dr. James Dobson recalls that when he was writing a previous book for young people entitled Life on the Edge, his publisher assembled focus groups in different cities to “determine the stress points and needs of the younger generation.”19 He further shares the sad observation from this study: “Most of the young people with whom we talked found it difficult to answer questions such as ‘Who am I as a person?’ ‘How did I get here?’ ‘Is there a right or wrong way to believe and act?’ ‘How do I achieve eternal life, if it exists?’ ‘What is the meaning of life and death?’ . . . They had only a vague notion of what we might call ‘first truths.’ No wonder they lacked a sense of meaning and purpose. Life loses its significance for a person who has no understanding of his origin or destination.”20
He goes on to comment:
Human beings tend to struggle with troubling questions they can’t answer. Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so the intellect acts to fill the void. Or to state it differently, it seeks to repair a hole in its system of beliefs. That is why so many young people today chase after twisted and alien “theologies,” such as New Age nonsense, the pursuit of pleasure, substance abuse and illicit sex. They are searching vainly for something that will satisfy their “soul hunger.” They are unlikely to find it. Not even great achievement and superior education will put the pieces together. Meaning in life comes only by answering the eternal questions listed above, and they are adequately addressed only in the Christian faith. No other religion can tell us who we are, how we got here, and where we are going after death. And no other belief system teaches that we are known and loved individually by the God of the universe and by His only Son, Jesus Christ. . . .
That brings us back to the subject of boys and what they and their sisters need from parents during the developmental years. At the top of the list is an understanding of who God is and what He expects them to do. This teaching must begin very early in childhood.21
As I read those significant words, I thought about my own children. My husband and I certainly did not do everything right in our child raising, but I was thankful that we began early in their childhood to seek to bring them up in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord.” We did everything we could to help them develop a strong belief system based on the Bible—an understanding of who God is and what he expected of them. We sought to help them embrace strong Christian values and develop convictions built upon God and his Word. He was their sure foundation. His Word would be their compass.
The Trustworthiness of Our God
Foundational to our children’s lives was their understanding of the trustworthiness and faithful-ness of their God. He is utterly trustworthy. He is absolutely faithful. He is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. Thus we taught them to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Prov. 3:5–6 niv). But would our children learn to follow the admonition of the writer of Proverbs if we as parents were not following it ourselves? The answer is no. It is one thing to preach to our children that they should fear the Lord, trust the Lord, and obey him. It is quite another to practice what we preach.
Practicing what we preached was a constant challenge to us.
Roland and I sought to bring up our children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord—in the training and instruction of our God.”
