The Family Edge

F amily structure provides the framework upon which family capital is built. The various structures directly affect the stability of family relationships and the size of the family network, both of which allow family capital to be developed, maintained, and accessed. In this chapter I will describe the different family structures, their prevalence, and their ability to generate and maintain family capital.

Types of Family Structures

The National Health Interview Survey (NHIS),¹ conducted in the United States by the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), identifies family structures, whose distribution in the United States can be found in table 3.1.

Americans are therefore simultaneously too eager to marry and too willing to divorce or end a significant relationship. He sees this instability in marriage (as well as cohabitation) as particularly problematic for today’s children when he writes, “Although marriage is important, slowing down the process of partnering would, I am convinced, be in the best interests of American children. We should make stable families a policy priority regardless of how many parents are present in the home.”³ For Cherlin, the continual movement of adults in and out of children’s lives as they enter into new relationships deleteriously affects the children’s emotional well-being. Other studies by Annette Lareau and more recently Robert Putnam have highlighted the challenges single mothers and cohabiters have in raising children.⁴ In Lareau’s book titled Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race, and Family Life she describes the different child rearing practices as well as the significant advantages children from two-parent homes have as compared to children in single-mother or cohabiting homes. According to her study, in stable family structures headed by two parents, children did better in school and were better adjusted to societal demands. Putnam saw similar dynamics as he compared families with different structures from across the United States. Putnam argues that strong, stable family structures lead to increased opportunities and higher well-being for children, while children in unstable family environments—typically homes led by single mothers or headed by cohabiters—often have difficulty meeting their day-to-day needs and struggle to become successful adults, all of which leads to income inequality.

My research team and I also wanted to explore the impact of family structure on family functioning and, in particular, to answer the question: How do the various family structures affect a family’s human, social, and financial capital? We decided to conduct several case studies with individuals who had experienced different family structures and explore with them how their family structure affected their family capital. These case studies are not based on a random sample nor do they represent all families with a certain structure. They come from a “convenience sample”—families my research team were aware of that existed in a particular structure. Initially we thought that it would be fairly easy to identify people living in different family structures, take their case histories, and then describe the basic dynamics of the particular family types. However, as we began to interview these people and take their case histories it became clear that all but one of them had lived in several different family structures over their lifetimes. Much like Cherlin noted in his book, we saw that movement between different family structures was much more common than living in one structure for a long period. Thus, each of the five case studies—with the exception of the first case study of a nuclear family—describes movement between family structures, and the case studies are titled based on the different family structures the person has experienced. All the case studies are disguised to protect the anonymity of the interviewees.

» How does the family structure enhance or undermine family capital? Does it strengthen children and provide the family with more resources?

» How did a change in family structure affect the individuals involved? For example, did moving from a nuclear family to a blended family or single-mother family enhance or undermine family capital? If so, in what ways?

You’ll note that some individuals chose to change their family structure whereas others had the change thrust upon them, through actions outside their control. After each case study, I will briefly comment on the pertinent family capital.

Traditional Nuclear Family: The Case of Joan and Adam

Joan grew up in northern Arizona with six siblings. Her dad was an accountant in a large accounting firm and her mother was a homemaker who involved herself in community theater. Joan’s family valued the arts and learning. She spent most of her youth dancing, singing and acting in shows, and participating in many dance competitions. She and her sisters especially excelled in ballet. Joan’s mother drove the girls to all their lessons, and her dad started a construction business to provide a second income for the family. Joan’s grandmother also helped pay for ballet lessons when money was tight. Joan became a dance major in college. During the next few years, she performed dance routines in a number of college events and became well known in the university community for her skill in dancing.

In 1994, Joan was asked to teach ballet classes at a local studio. Over the next few years, she expanded the dance curriculum at a local college, became a certified dance teacher, graduated from college, married, and created a business called the School of Ballet.

Adam, Joan’s husband, grew up in a suburban neighborhood in Michigan with four siblings. His father was a professor at the local college and his mother taught elementary school for a year after graduating from college before transitioning to full-time homemaker and mother. They both expected their children to work hard and do well in school. Adam actively participated in the Boy Scouts of America and achieved the rank of Eagle Scout. He also enjoyed playing on computers. He graduated near the top of his high school class and earned a scholarship to college. It certainly helped that both his parents could help him with his schoolwork. Adam spent time in South America serving in the Peace Corps, met and married Joan, and eventually completed his undergraduate and master’s degree in business administration. Three of Adam’s four siblings have college degrees and two have master’s degrees.

When Adam graduated with his master’s degree, he and Joan had two children and Joan was teaching about fifty dance students at a local studio. Joan took care of all the teaching and interfacing with the students, while Adam took care of the business and technical side. Because few certified dance teachers were in their area, and because the demand for dance instruction seemed to be growing, Joan and Adam decided they would build a dance business locally rather than pursuing Adam’s job possibilities out of state. Both Joan’s and Adam’s families were supportive of their decision to start a dance business.

Joan and Adam wanted to purchase a home with enough space for a studio so Joan could teach without sacrificing too much family time, but with student loans and no job, purchasing a home would be difficult—if not impossible—on their own. Joan’s father, who was involved in real estate in Arizona, helped locate, negotiate, and finance a house that had a 1,600-foot woodshop behind it. To turn the woodshop into a studio, permits had to be obtained from the city, utilities had to be brought up from the house, retaining walls needed to be built, and the inside needed a complete makeover to bring it up to code.

Adam’s family held a family reunion to help convert the woodshop into a studio; his siblings built a retaining wall and did the outside work, and Adam’s brother-in-law ran the heavy equipment. Joan’s family then had a family reunion with her parents and siblings also helping with the studio. One of her siblings is a professional contractor, so they were able to do the utilities and large structural work. Adam, Joan, and her father finished the painting, flooring, and final details over the summer. Seven months after the house was purchased, the studio was ready for classes.

The next three years were stressful and challenging for Joan and Adam. The cost of the studio remodel took nearly all the money they had in reserve. The time Adam put into the business had cost him opportunities in the job market and being tied down by the dance studio severely limited his career options and income. Eventually, Joan and Adam had two more children, which they strategically planned to fit into Joan’s busy schedule. But even with careful planning Joan couldn’t take more than a few weeks off from classes. The business was slowly growing, but Adam was unemployed for eighteen of the first thirty-six months the studio was in operation. Paying for the mortgage, utilities, and food made finances extremely tight. Adam’s father provided emotional support throughout Adam’s employment frustration and he eventually found a solid job for him that matched his skill set. The lean and uncertain years pushed Adam and Joan to be very frugal in their shopping habits. They purchased used cars with cash only and were able to pay off their house in ten years.

Their business has since grown to over two hundred students who compete in regional, national, and world competitions. The business has continued to require significant investments: $30,000 for landscaping, $17,000 to pave the road, $5,000 for new flooring, and travel expenses to attend competitions. Joan and Adam’s family still revolves around the business. Adam has to have flexible work so he can shovel the snow in the winter, fix things in the studio, and manage the technical side of the business. Vacations are planned around dance competitions or during the one month in the summer when classes aren’t in session. Joan occasionally leaves for weekends to judge competitions, which somewhat complicates the family schedule.

Adam and Joan have taken on different roles over the years. Joan was home with the kids when they were young, and Adam’s mother came to the house once or twice a week to care for the kids when Joan was teaching. Since the kids have gotten older, Joan doesn’t see them for very long in the afternoon before she has to go to class. Adam picks up the older kids from school and takes them to their various activities. He is responsible for evening meals on weekdays since Joan is teaching during those hours and often can’t eat with the family. From the time the kids turned eight, they were expected to cook a dinner meal and clean it up once a week. Joan and Adam have had to limit the extracurricular activities of their children because of the constraints of their business. Joan volunteers during the day at the kids’ school and Adam is mainly responsible to help the kids with homework.

Parenting is extremely important to Adam and Joan, and they have both read many books on the topic. They try to be available whenever necessary, while giving the kids space to play on their own. The children are expected to work hard in everything they do. When the kids ask, “why do we have to do this?” the response is always, “you don’t have to do this, you get to do it.” Adam and Joan try to resist any sort of perfectionist mindset and instead teach their children that mistakes are expected and acceptable as long as they understand and correct them. Adam often says, “that is what failure looks like,” when he or anyone else makes a mistake. The kids are expected to take responsibility for their mistakes, like when the oldest daughter kicked a soccer ball through a window and had to help buy the materials and repair it.

Continuous learning is extremely important to the family, including formal education. The children all attended a K–8 charter school with a program for stringed musical instruments and very strong math and science programs. The children are expected to manage themselves and get all their homework done, though their parents are always willing to help. The older children attend an accelerated high school where they will graduate from high school with an associate degree and are expected to complete a bachelor’s degree. Adam and Joan will pay for each child’s college tuition as long as they are putting in the necessary effort to get good grades and pursue a worthwhile career.

The family values working hard and playing hard together. During the summers, the entire family wakes up at 7:00 a.m., exercises for an hour, and works in the yard for thirty minutes before eating breakfast. Adam and Joan do physically and mentally challenging outdoor activities with the family, such as skiing, mountain biking, camping, hiking, and scuba diving. The two older children have had the opportunity to travel to Europe with their grandparents, but they were required to pay for their airline tickets and had to learn German beforehand. At home, the children help renovate the house, fix the studio as needed, and shovel snow off the seventy-five-foot driveway in the winter.

Adam and Joan don’t pay their children for housework or give them an allowance, although they do pay for clothes and education-related expenses. The children earn money by helping teach dance classes, helping with the business, or doing activities the parents think will help them learn and grow, such as taking free online college-level classes, learning German, reading business books, learning programs such as Adobe Photoshop, and building apps with Adam. Adam constantly negotiates with the children when they want something so that they understand how the real world works.

Commentary

The role of family capital is fairly clear in the case of Joan and Adam. Without the support of her parents and the financial support of her grandmother, Joan wouldn’t have been able to develop her dance talents that allowed her to start her own dance studio. The help from Joan’s father to finance their new home with the dance studio and the labor of the large, extended family to make the studio a reality likewise exemplify family capital. Moreover, Joan and Adam have prioritized developing their children’s talents and giving them experiences to become successful adults. In this stable family situation, Adam and Joan have developed significant human, social, and financial capital within their family. Much of this is due to a parenting style that focuses on mentoring the children, requiring them to demonstrate responsibility, and giving them opportunities to develop themselves.

Traditional to Single-Parent to Blended Family: The Case of Svetlana

In 1997, while in their early twenties, Svetlana and George Zubo left their Polish homeland with their two-year-old son, George Jr., to find work in the United States. Fortunately, George obtained a US work visa and thus the Zubo family came to America legally. After arriving in the US, George found a good job in the construction industry and the Zubos were able to buy a small home where they eventually welcomed four additional children—all girls—by 2005. Things were going well by all accounts until early in 2006 when George left Svetlana for a new girlfriend and filed for divorce. Svetlana was devastated and initially fought the divorce, but eventually signed the divorce papers in exchange for George’s $750 monthly child support payment.

Once the divorce was final and George moved out, Svetlana had to start a new life on her own and provide for her five children. Unfortunately, she had few marketable skills with which to supplement child support. But she found work cleaning homes for wealthy homeowners (mostly in the early mornings) and ran a daycare center out of her home. Between the child support and her own income generating activities, the family income was about $2,500 per month—not a lot of money to meet the needs of a family of six, especially since the mortgage and utilities for Svetlana’s home were $1,300 per month.

Fortunately for Svetlana, George continued to be fairly active in the children’s lives—he took them every other weekend, bought them birthday presents, attended their school activities, and was available when they needed advice. To supplement the family’s income, Svetlana’s son, George, provided the family with $200 a month by working a part-time job while in high school. Svetlana was also able to draw upon the government for medical insurance (Medicaid) for her children. However, she indicated that for some years she didn’t report all her income on tax returns in order to keep her children on the insurance. (Children can lose their Medicaid benefits if the family makes too much money.) Svetlana also had met regularly with the local Catholic bishop; he provided her with spiritual guidance and emotional support. She took her children to Catholic mass and got them involved in church-sponsored activities. In some instances, when Svetlana faced significant financial difficulties, the Catholic bishop arranged for financial assistance, and, on one occasion, volunteers from the local parish repaired plumbing in her home. Svetlana also had a number of friends who helped her emotionally and, at times, financially during her transition to being a single mother. Even though the financial resources dwindled significantly due to the divorce, she was able to garner resources from her son, the government, the local church, and her friends. Thus she weathered financial storms much better than many single mothers. Largely due to that, Svetlana’s children did fairly well in school. Moreover, the continued support from her ex-husband mitigated, to a degree, the emotional wounds that often afflict children when parents divorce.

After ten years of being single and having several boyfriends (who were somewhat disruptive to Svetlana and her children), Svetlana remarried in 2016. She met Victor at a local church-sponsored picnic and they hit it off. Victor has a good job as an auto mechanic making about $45,000 per year and his income, along with the child support payments, has allowed Svetlana to return to being a stay-at-home mom (which is her preference). Another important benefit of this new union for Svetlana is that Victor is a US citizen; her immigration status had been unclear since her divorce from George. Svetlana’s marriage thus made it less likely she would be deported, and she could eventually achieve citizenship. Victor has one son from a previous marriage, age twenty-seven, who lives in another state, so while Svetlana’s new family is technically blended, her children haven’t had to adjust to living with new siblings. Victor says that taking on the responsibility as the father to five children has been a challenge, but he also notes his relationships with Svetlana and with the children, while not perfect, are on solid footing. He also keeps track of his biological son and gives him some support—both financial and emotional—when needed. His son attended his wedding with Svetlana and seems supportive of his stepmother and stepsiblings.

Commentary

Fortunately, after her divorce Svetlana was able to draw upon resources from the government, the Catholic Church, and her friends, which substituted for the family capital she lacked. In the end, a new marriage with a stable partner has created a much more secure environment for Svetlana and her children. They seem to be thriving as a new blended family. Moreover, the size of the family increased by adding members from Victor’s family—potentially leading to more resources.

Traditional Marriage to Extended Family to Same-Sex Cohabiting Relationship: The Case of John

John grew up in a rural farming community, where his father competed in professional rodeo competitions and owned an excavation business and his mother was employed as a bank clerk. They didn’t have a lot of money, but John’s mother managed their funds wisely and John didn’t feel like they were poor. Both sets of grandparents, who lived in the same town, heavily influenced his life. They were devout, very hardworking, and devoted to their marriages. From quite a young age, John decided he wanted to be successful like his grandparents were.

John’s mother, very active and available as a parent, pushed her three children to succeed. She was passionate about education and expected John and his two siblings to graduate from college. John spent a lot of his time in the outdoors with his family. At the age of eleven he was waking up at 5:00 a.m. to work on the farm, and by the time he was seventeen he was working sixteen-hour days. However, at age fifteen John’s life changed dramatically when his parents divorced.

John’s mother quickly remarried a man who had five children. Together they had two more children, making a total of ten. John lived with his mother and stepfather until he went to college. During that time, the entire family involved themselves in their local church. John’s stepfather had strong entrepreneurial skills, helping small businesses grow. His mother continued to push education, and all of John’s biological siblings graduated from college. The arts were very important in his family; John went to college on a voice scholarship. He also excelled as a writer and was on the debate team, where he met Susan, the girl he would later marry.

John attended a private university in a neighboring state on scholarship. Three years into his college education, John’s biological father passed away. The death traumatized John, and he dropped out of college, working part-time for a year before returning to the university. He intended to go to law school, but in an odd twist of fate his path changed dramatically. One of John’s roommates (Brandon, an entrepreneurial fifty-five-year-old man) headed the aviation program at a local college. One day Brandon took John flying in a small airplane and John was hooked. Brandon asked John to work for him by creating and writing an aviation course to train pilots. John dropped out of school for the job, which he held while working toward his pilot’s license. The curriculum was a great success for the college and for John. He received royalties of 20 percent.

While working with Brandon and on his own as a pilot, John reconnected with Susan; that’s when they decided to get married. Her family was also entrepreneurial and devoutly religious. Susan, who had finished law school and worked as an attorney, had three children with John over the next few years. Both John and Susan immersed themselves in parenthood.

In 1997, Brandon and John decided to grow the business by selling it online to other universities. Susan supported John in his venture and pushed him to work on the business. Because of John’s strong work ethic and exceptional writing ability, he was able to write about twenty pages a day. The business was a huge success, with the program winning multiple national awards for the college. John soon made $500,000 per year, and he bought an 8,000-square-foot home that became the hub for the family. John’s stepfather and mother had some financial difficulties, so John welcomed them and their two youngest children into his home. His parents ended up staying for five years. During that time John and Susan were both working, so John’s mother took care of their kids. They had family dinners every night and enjoyed long discussions together. John eventually hired his stepfather, which caused some friction because Susan and John’s stepfather didn’t always agree on how the business should be run.

In early 2008, John disclosed to his wife that he had come to question his sexual orientation and thought he was gay. He told her that he loved her despite his feelings, had always been completely faithful, and had never acted on his those feelings. Susan reacted with grief and concern, but they decided to stay together and figure out how to deal with the situation, for the sake of their children. John wasn’t planning to tell anyone else, but the information quickly spread among family, friends, and the community. Their parents wanted them to stay together, but other family members thought they should separate.

Five months after he came out to Susan, the stress, grief, and pressure from family and community members had grown so strong that John moved out of the house. They soon divorced and were granted joint custody of the children. John remained very involved in his children’s lives, but when Susan remarried a few years later he allowed her to take the children to a neighboring state, believing that doing so would provide a stable life for the children. He is still actively involved in their parenting and sees them frequently.

Although his familial relationships and support remained strong, John felt like he was ostracized by some of his former friends and associates. He eventually lost most of his friends in the community and in his religious group. John has rejected the “broken person” and victim narratives people projected onto him. A very successful gay uncle of John had been with his partner for over twenty years, so John talked with him.

Shortly after moving out of his house, John moved in with Edward, his partner. Edward’s parents had divorced when he was seven; his mother is now in her eighth marriage, while his father is in his fifth. Edward had grown up in a religious atmosphere, but he became antagonistic toward religion after coming out. John has developed some spiritual practices on his own, but he doesn’t belong to any organized religion. John and Edward have been together for about eight years now. John says the biggest problems they face in their relationship come mostly from their different backgrounds.

In 2010, the college canceled John’s business contract. Susan and John’s stepfather worked with John to try to get accreditation so that he could sell the program himself. The process of accreditation was costing him about $100,000 a month, so he liquidated all his assets to fund the business while he waited to get federal funding. In 2012, however, the federal funding he hoped for was discontinued, and even though John had completed 90 percent of the requirements for accreditation, he ran out of money and had to declare bankruptcy. He said, “I lost everything but my relationships.”

After losing the business he had spent more than twenty years building, John fell into a deep depression. A friend he met in an online chatroom for gay fathers helped him through his emotional turmoil. John took seasonal work at a local resort and then other low-level work, before finishing his college degree and returning to piloting. John has again worked his way up to a six-figure salary. John and Edward haven’t married due to financial reasons associated with the bankruptcy, and John isn’t sure if they ever will. John remains deeply devoted as a parent and makes sure his kids are well cared for. Edward doesn’t try to parent the children when they are with John. Sometimes people ask the children how Edward is related to them; they just say they aren’t really sure.

John still fondly remembers the time with his original family and his parents in his large home. His entrepreneurial spirit is still strong and he said he “always has stuff brewing.” Since he came out, he has much less access to people and finances in the community: “I used to be able to call up so many successful friends, but now they won’t even take my calls.” Even so, John approaches everything with a strong work ethic and determination, so he is confident the future will be bright.

Commentary

John has maintained some semblance of stability and preserved some family capital despite his divorce and transition to a cohabiting, gay relationship, as evidenced by the continued help John received from his ex-wife and stepfather with the business—even though those efforts eventually failed. His relationship with Edward is stable, having lasted eight years, but they have no plans to marry. Little evidence suggests Edward’s family has provided this new relationship with any significant resources, but they appear emotionally supportive. Through his extended family, John’s gay uncle has helped him transition to being openly gay. However, as is sometimes the case when a relationship goes against a community’s norms, John’s diminished access to his former friends hurts his capital in the community. The relationship he’s maintained with his children has enhanced his family capital, however, and has also helped to create more stability in his life.

Cohabitating Relationship to Single Mom to Extended Family: The Case of Maria

Maria’s mother was a victim of domestic violence. Eventually, her mother, Rosa, divorced her father after suffering a broken nose during one of his attacks. Thus, when Maria was age seven, Rosa raised her and her older sister, Luz (age nine), alone. Two years after the divorce her mother met Fredo, an accountant with a steady job, and Rosa and the two girls moved in with him in a cohabiting relationship. Fredo supported Maria and Luz and provided them with some stability. More importantly, he was a kind and gentle partner to Rosa, and they eventually married after living together for five years.

As Maria moved into her teenage years she began to rebel, starting with cigarettes and alcohol and then moving on to marijuana and other recreational drugs. Her sister Luz was a heroin addict at age eighteen and spent much of her time in various rehab facilities. After high school, Maria moved out on her own and worked at several minimum wage retail jobs. She had several boyfriends and usually moved in with them, which helped her financially. Unfortunately, as had been the case with her mother’s first marriage, her boyfriends were invariably abusive—both emotionally and physically. Once the abuse started, Maria was aware enough to leave those relationships but not without many emotional scars. In particular, she had difficulty trusting and forming long-term, supportive relationships with men.

At age twenty-four, Maria met Tony, who seemed to be her ideal partner: he was going to school to get a degree, held a good part-time job, and treated her well. After dating for a few months, Maria moved in with Tony. Five months later she got pregnant, which changed their relationship. Because Tony didn’t know how he would provide for a child, he felt trapped. Tensions about the pregnancy led to their separation, and Maria moved back to live with Rosa and Fredo to prepare to have her baby.

Maria had the baby, Anita, in 2016; the little girl was diagnosed with severe autism that will require constant care. Maria doesn’t know whether she will eventually be able to work to provide for herself and her daughter. Tony has not seen the baby, apparently wants no contact, and is reluctant to pay child support (with little money to give). Fortunately for Maria, both Rosa and Fredo have told her that she can live with them and that they will help raise Anita. Maria, although grateful for such help, nevertheless has an uncertain future ahead: a woman with a special-needs child may find attracting a marriage partner difficult, and the living arrangement with her mother and stepfather has an uncertain duration. But at this point, given her financial situation, she has no other options.

Commentary

Maria’s story is common for young women today who have children out of wedlock; the boyfriend decides to move on, leaving the mother with the responsibility to care for the child. Bereft of resources, Maria had to ask her mother and stepfather to take her in and help raise the baby. Like Maria, many single mothers today live with parents or grandparents who are literally life-savers—providing them with food, shelter, childcare assistance, and emotional support. Unfortunately, despite the family capital Maria has available to her, her prospects for becoming independent and creating her own family capital are not good (given her lack of skills and Anita’s special needs). Thus, Maria is likely to be living with Rosa and Fredo for many years to come.

Traditional Marriage to a Variety of Family Structures: The Case of Robert

Robert was raised in the suburbs of a big city in a stable home with his parents and five siblings. His father was a college-educated engineer who could fix anything, and his mother was an excellent cook who kept the house in order. Even though Robert’s parents came from different religious backgrounds, they attended the same worship services and were very involved in the religious community. His parents supported Robert whenever he wanted to try something new. His father taught him to fix cars, and he learned a lot of construction skills when they built an addition on their home.

Robert works hard and likes solving problems. He trusts his family and friends. When he thinks he’s right about something, Robert forcefully makes his point and won’t let the issue go. Robert didn’t enjoy being under the thumb of authority so he disliked school; due to his intelligence and work ethic, however, he easily graduated from high school. He went to college for a year before deciding it wasn’t for him.

Amelia, Robert’s future wife, was the older of two children. Her father, a doctor, passed away when she was young. He had a substantial life insurance policy so the family had enough money to continue living in a wealthy community. Her mother, a socialite with many social engagements, hired a nanny to raise Amelia and her younger sibling. Unfortunately, Amelia got involved with drugs, sex, and alcohol while in high school. She wasn’t much of a student, and most of her skills were in the social arena. After graduating from high school she had no desire to go on to college.

When Robert and Amelia met, he was twenty-three and she was nineteen. Robert had moved back to his parents’ home, working part-time while figuring out what to do with his life. Amelia was living in her car and doing drugs while dating various men. Robert started dating Amelia and she ended up moving in with his family. Because Amelia grew up with a nanny who did all the housework, she never learned any domestic skills. Soon Amelia’s lack of cleanliness, habit of borrowing things without asking, ability to get Robert to do whatever she wanted, and late night make-out sessions on the couch with him began to irritate Robert’s family.

Six months after Amelia moved in, Robert and Amelia married and moved to a small apartment. Robert’s dad, troubled because Robert didn’t have a career plan, helped him get his contractor’s license. Robert and Amelia had three children in quick succession. Robert was deeply motivated to provide for his family and worked extremely hard. Amelia was overwhelmed by her new responsibilities. The house was constantly a mess, with dirty diapers left wherever they were changed. Meals weren’t prepared regularly, and the kids weren’t cared for very well. She wasn’t used to financial constraints, so she spent their money as fast as Robert made it.

Robert did well with remodeling work, but he really started making money after his dad helped him purchase a house to fix up and resell. Robert remodeled and upgraded the house and sold it two years later. Because the real estate market was so hot in that area, and because of the tax code, he ended up making over $100,000 from the sale. Robert’s drive, business skills, and risk-taking ability were perfect for the market. He hired four people for his crew and within a short time he was making over $100,000 a year from remodeling. Robert then changed his focus from construction to utility work and made some investments in that area.

Robert felt he was contributing much more to the family than Amelia was, which created a lot of friction. When he came home from work he usually found the babies in dirty diapers, the house a disaster, and everyone hungry. Almost every night he’d either make or buy dinner and then put the kids to bed. Robert’s family and Amelia’s friends would sometimes come over and clean the house in hopes that Amelia would try to keep it that way, but she never seemed interested. Robert’s frustration led him to ask his family and friends for advice, but nothing changed.

Robert enjoyed camping, boating, and motorsports with his children. They spent a great deal of time with Robert’s family, and Robert relied on his family for help with the kids. Since Robert hadn’t liked school, he didn’t push his children toward education. Amelia enjoyed the fun family activities, but she withdrew when things were unpleasant or hard. She tried to live the social life she had seen her mother live, so the children were often left to fend for themselves. Robert finally recognized that Amelia was unreliable so he stopped counting on her for anything.

Robert saw an opportunity to expand his utility business in a neighboring state. He was confident it would be a great financial opportunity and also thought it might help their marriage if they moved farther from their families. A month before the move, Robert discovered Amelia was sleeping with one of the men on his crew. He aborted the move and took his three children to live with his parents; Amelia stayed in the house a few miles away. Robert fired his crew member and drastically reduced his workload so he could care for his children. In the process, he lost an opportunity that would have probably yielded hundreds of thousands of dollars. His parents helped as much as they could with meals, cleaning, and childcare, but they still had a child at home who needed their time and attention.

Robert really wanted to keep his family together, so he lived with his parents for a year while he and Amelia worked on their relationship. They reconciled but continued to struggle in many areas. Robert hired a maid so Amelia could contribute in ways besides housekeeping. They bought an apartment building as an investment, with Amelia agreeing to manage it. With some financing from Robert’s dad, they also purchased a small house, which they planned to tear down and replace with a larger house that they could sell. Robert and Amelia moved into Robert’s parents’ home while they built the investment house, thus helping to alleviate their financial, housework, and trust issues.

While living with Robert’s parents, Amelia had their fourth child. Robert’s parents talked to Robert and Amelia about their expectations of cleanliness, but nothing changed. Amelia didn’t seem to comprehend the need to help with housework, so Robert’s parents ended up bearing the increased burden.

A year later, Robert and Amelia moved into the beautiful new home he had built. Things were looking up, but it was 2008—the real estate market soon took a dive. Robert’s construction work evaporated almost completely. He liquidated some of his real estate investments to avoid losing them. Amelia hadn’t managed the apartment building well, so they lost the entire $200,000 investment. Although Robert’s income had plunged, Amelia wasn’t prepared to curb her spending habits, nor had her housekeeping abilities improved. The huge house quickly became a huge mess.

As a sailing enthusiast, Robert saw an opportunity to make money buying, fixing, and reselling boats. The money wasn’t as good as it had been in construction, but it was all in cash and allowed him to pay the necessary bills each month. During these hard times, Amelia became more and more reclusive, spending her time in her room, on social media, or doing drugs. As the economy picked up, Robert returned to construction and made good money. After having lived in their house for four years, they finally sold it and made almost $1,000,000 in profit. Shortly after selling the house, Robert learned that Amelia had been using social media to hook up with different men. After talking with his older children, he decided to divorce Amelia.

Robert tried to make the divorce as amicable as possible to protect his children. Amelia was awarded over $500,000 from the sale of the house, $4,000 a month in alimony and child support, and shared custody of the kids. Robert’s family gave him whatever support they could. After the divorce his dad helped him buy properties to fix up and he was soon back to making good money.

Working out the logistical details concerning the children and caring for them whenever they were with him challenged Robert. Amelia continued to be very relaxed in her parenting. The children would often skip school because she didn’t wake them up and put them on the bus. Robert made sure his children went to school at least when they were at his house. Robert’s family helped care for the children and had them over for meals and activities often. Amelia adjusted poorly to not being part of the family and complained to her children about not being invited to family events. The divorce hurt his relationship with his children, especially with his oldest daughter.

Robert wasn’t actively looking to remarry, but that didn’t stop people from trying to set him up. After two years of single life, he started dating a widow, Helen, with four children. They got married, but right after the wedding, Helen made it clear that she didn’t want to deal with Robert’s children. He tried to work things out with her but three months after the wedding, the marriage was over. Robert’s family had been very excited about the marriage, and they were disappointed when it failed.

A year after his second divorce, Robert started dating Gloria, a divorced woman with two young children. Gloria had moved in with her parents following her divorce and had gone back to college for a master’s degree. Her parents provided financial support as well as childcare. Gloria didn’t belong to the same religious community as Robert, which concerned some of his family members. Gloria’s children would throw tantrums and hit other kids to get what they wanted, which caused friction during family gatherings with Robert’s family. As Gloria and Robert continued dating, Robert began to discipline her children. The different parenting styles the children experienced complicated the situation.

After a year of dating, Robert and Gloria got engaged and moved in together, much to the chagrin of some in his family. After six months, they got married. At the wedding, Robert’s family and friends expressed their hopes that this marriage would succeed, since “Robert deserves some happiness after all his hard work.” Robert says he is 100 percent committed to this new marriage and is very optimistic that he will finally have a supportive wife. Robert is rebounding quite well financially, but the divorces have taken a toll on him, both financially and emotionally.

Commentary

Robert’s family structure has been turbulent: he has been in three traditional marriages, become a single parent, been a part of extended and blended families, and been in a cohabiting relationship. However, his parents have been highly supportive of him, his wives, and his children. They have tended the children, provided Robert with investment funds, let his family live with them, and provided significant social and emotional support for Robert and his children. In terms of family capital, the divorces have put a significant drain on Robert’s finances (although such funds certainly have helped his ex-wives and children). In this case, the role of the parents in providing support for Robert and his family has probably been the most important aspect of family capital.

Family Structure and Its Impact on Family Stability and the Family Network

Research on family structures, along with information from our case studies, allows us to plot various family structures, which are found in figure 3.1 (opposite).

The Family Network

On the horizontal axis polygamous, extended, and blended families are at the “larger” end of the scale, since they tend to create large family networks. As was the case with Svetlana and Robert in their blended families, these family structures have the potential of linking members from multiple families together in a large social network. Robert and Maria’s family size also increased when they lived with their parents, creating multi-generational, extended family units. While not always the case, these three family structures could generate family capital due to large familial networks. Traditional families like Joan and Adam’s vary greatly in terms of family size so they are plotted closer to the middle of the horizontal axis.

Finally, the single-parent structure is disadvantaged in terms of family networks. While there are exceptions in which the noncustodial parent’s family is highly involved with a single parent—generally the mother—more often, as in the case of the father of Maria’s baby, the noncustodial parent and family have no contact and provide no support—financial or otherwise. When half of a family network is eliminated, creating a large network of family support is difficult.

Family Stability

Family stability is determined by how long a couple stays together in a harmonious relationship that provides continued support for children and other family members. Unfortunately, as the case studies indicate, family stability is in short supply, as also discussed in chapter 2. Marriage is the most stable form of union. Same-sex married couples in Europe, where a longer history of same-sex marriages exists than in the United States, experience about the same divorce rate as traditional couples do.⁶

Historically, extended families were fairly stable as children lived with their parents. Eventually the children matured, married, continued to live with their parents, and then took care of their parents as they grew older and needed more help. I saw this pattern as typical in Japan in the early 1970s. Multi-generational, extended families are still common today, but the more likely scenario is found in Robert’s case study where he, his wife, and his children lived with his parents for several months while in transition or experiencing a crisis. In my own family, two daughters, their husbands, and their four children lived with me recently for several months as the husbands were making work and schooling transitions. Other children and their spouses as well as a sister-in-law have lived with us over the years. In 2008, my wife’s parents lived with us for a year because my father-in-law was in poor health.

Studies show that second marriages are less stable than first marriages (60 percent end in divorce), and third marriages are even less so (73 percent end in divorce).⁷ With some exceptions, people don’t get better at marriage the more they marry.⁸ Thus, blended families appear on the grid in a less stable position than those in first marriage relationships or those in multi-generational families. In Robert’s case, his divorce from Helen was precipitated by her unwillingness to play the role of mother to his children in their blended family.

Chapter 2 described the research on cohabiting couples, noting that these relationships are highly unstable. Three of our case studies—Maria, Robert, and John—exemplify this movement in and out of cohabiting relationships. John, however, is an exception since his cohabiting relationship with Edward has lasted more than eight years. Svetlana’s case highlights the instability of being a single parent. When cohabiting, new boyfriends or girlfriends may enter the picture, which creates uncertainty for the children. In many cases, there are multiple boyfriends or girlfriends simultaneously, which leads to further uncertainty and instability.

Can You Create Stability and a Network if Your Family Structure Lacks Family Capital?

Some of you who are not fortunate enough to be in an advantageous family structure may ask, “Am I doomed to failure in creating family capital?” Absolutely not! One of the best examples of someone who faced significant odds in developing family capital was my grandmother, Wyroa Hansen. Wyroa, left with four small children and few resources after her husband Clarence died from appendicitis, wanted to create a stable and supportive environment for her children. So she enlisted the help of her mother (also a widow) and her siblings—particularly her oldest brother, Reese—to provide childcare and emotional support for her children. My mother, Bonnie, often spoke about Reese as a surrogate father to her and her siblings. Wyroa’s mother, Helena, also helped her obtain a teaching certificate by watching Wyroa’s children during several summers when Wyroa moved to the city for the summer to further her education. With the large, extended Hansen family also supporting Wyroa and her children, they provided for Wyroa’s family financially, socially, and emotionally.

Wyroa decided not to marry until all of her children had left her home. Nevertheless, Wyroa met Robert Done and dated him for ten years, which avoided some of the challenges and disruption that can come with a blended family. He supported Wyroa and her children during that time. Bob brought his youngest son into the marriage, but the stepsiblings never lived in the same home with each other since Wyroa’s three daughters were married adults.

Wyroa is a good example of a single mother who developed a family network and created stable family relationships, even though her situation was not conducive to creating family capital. However, if Wyroa had believed she and Bob could have succeeded in putting a blended family together, she and her children might have had more financial, social, and emotional support—and less hardship associated with single parenthood—if she had not delayed marriage.

How Can I Create a Successful Family Structure?

If you are single, the key decision is whether to marry (or be in a committed relationship) or to remain single. Of course, you cannot know for sure if a good fit for a life-long partner will come into your life. Nevertheless, I typically encourage those I counsel to at least explore the possibility of a committed partnership and actively socialize and date potential mates. I find that many young people these days spend too much time on their cell phones and with social media, making connecting with a real-live human being and developing a lasting relationship difficult. Exploring new relationships can leave you emotionally vulnerable, but I believe it is worth the risk. Having a partner to share life’s challenges with brings great satisfaction and joy.

Regardless of what decision you make regarding your relationships, expanding and developing your family network is important. Thus, I encourage people who want to develop their family capital to put together a pedigree chart, preferably for three generations, to identify who is actually in the family network. Firms such as Ancestry.com, with their software, simplify the process of charting genealogy and tracking down relatives. The next step is to identify the type of relationship you have with those in the chart, from very close to nonexistent. Then come up with a plan to develop relationships with family members you want to get closer to, whether through personal visits, emails, Facebook, or some other medium. You might feel somewhat awkward at first reaching out to someone you don’t know, but I’m surprised at how many people are delighted when they learn of a family connection to someone new. The connection to a family member, even if it’s distant, can prove quite powerful. Even if you decide not to marry or find a long-term partner, actively managing your family network and relationships can enhance family capital.

You also need to consider whether to have children. Offspring require work and are very costly, so the issue should not be taken lightly. Theresa and I faced stiff challenges raising seven children—the time, worries, and money. However, the satisfaction in seeing my children grow, develop, and succeed (as well as fail) has provided me with insights and experiences that I would never have had otherwise. And as I’m in the middle of my seventh decade on this planet, my children are now providing Theresa and me with the kind of emotional and social support that we provided them when they were children. For some couples, adoption offers another route to children. My brother Jeff and my daughter Emily have found adoption to be very satisfying, as well as challenging. The process for qualifying for and finding a potential adoptee is difficult and can put you on an emotional roller-coaster of uncertainty. Having children is an intensely personal matter, so I encourage couples to understand the trade-offs. But deciding not to have children does, in the long run, limit your family network and the family capital you might have gained otherwise.

If you are married or in a significant relationship, consider how to maintain that relationship and create stability. The presupposition is that you did your homework before marrying or entering the relationship. In the case of Robert, though, he clearly didn’t recognize that his future wife Helen would not play the role of mother to his children, which led to their divorce. In chapter 8 I’ll review how premarital counseling, counseling for cohabiting couples, and strengthening marriage or relationship programs can help improve the chances for a stable relationship and avoid the type of situation Robert faced.

Understand that finding a partner with similar goals and values has been shown to be key to a successful relationship. Furthermore, the ability of your partner (and yourself) to make and keep commitments is critical in forming a stable relationship. If a potential partner engages in physical or emotional abuse or has a substance abuse problem, run as fast as you can! Although people can change, you may very well be in for trouble in your relationship. Cherlin’s advice to take it slow when looking for a partner is particularly apt for those who want a stable, long-term relationship.

Whereas finding the right partner is a key to success, being the right partner is just as important. My clients who have succeeded in their relationships have been willing to sacrifice for their partners and have attempted to meet their partner’s needs, rather than focusing on their own needs.

Finally, consider how to prepare for and manage a change in family structure, as, over time, you may need to adapt. My clients have experienced many of the changes in family structure described in the case studies. I encourage my clients to get individual and/or family counseling when transitioning between structures—particularly when they experience a break-up and become a single parent or create a blended family. The husband of a friend of mine died of a heart attack on a business trip, leaving her with three teenagers at home. To help herself and her children work through issues around his death and develop strategies to cope, they went through intensive counseling for several months after his death. Emotional wounds may need to be healed when you transition from one family structure to another, so social support (often from family) and counseling can smooth the transition.

A role clarification exercise has helped my family business clients who have undergone a major change in their family structure.⁹ For the exercise, the couple, who are married or in a significant relationship, are asked what they see as their individual role in the family. The role could include providing an income for the family, preparing meals, doing chores around the house, helping children with homework, transporting children to various activities, or disciplining children. Once those roles are clear, each family member seen as mature enough to understand roles and duties describes their role and then allows other family members to agree or disagree with it. Clarifying expectations between partners is particularly important even before getting married or entering a serious relationship.

Sometimes family members may need some prompting, since they may not understand the family expectations. Other times, some family members may negotiate a role, in the case of a disagreement. For example, in the case of Robert, he and his future wife Helen would have benefited from clarifying their parenting roles before they got married. They might have decided not to get married or adjusted their roles to avoid a divorce.

After a role is clarified, that person then gets to ask family members for any help needed to fulfill that role effectively. Further negotiations may ensue. Then the family should ask that person if any further help could facilitate role fulfillment. Sometimes family members can come up with solutions that the person didn’t think of.

This exercise allows all family members to describe and clarify their roles and find possible support from others. Participants should write down each family member’s role, along with what family members have agreed to do to help. Furthermore, on a regular basis the family should review their roles and their fulfillment of them, including whether the promised help has been delivered. Adjustments often need to be made to family roles over time, perhaps due to changing circumstances or the maturing of family members. As one might expect, role clarification can generate some uncomfortable feelings; if trust is low and the family has trouble communicating, a skilled counsellor may be needed to assist.

Chapter Takeaways

» As the case studies and research show, the various family types affect family capital differently.

» Those in a seemingly disadvantageous family structure can nevertheless develop family capital.

» The role clarification exercise can help stabilize a family, especially during transition to a new structure.

Notes

1. Debra L. Blackwell, “Family Structure and Children’s Health in the United States: Findings from the National Health Interview Survey, 2001–2007,” National Center for Health Statistics 10 no. 246 (2010): 2.

4. Annette Lareau, Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race, and Family Life (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2003).

Robert D. Putnam, Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2015).

8. Alan J. Hawkins, “Will Legislation to Encourage Premarital Education Strengthen Marriage and Reduce Divorce?” Journal of Law & Family Studies 9 no. 1 (2007): 79–99.

9. Gibb Dyer and Jeff H. Dyer, Beyond Team Building: How to Build High Performing Teens and the Culture to Support Them (New York: Wiley, 2019).

My parents taught me service–not by saying, but by doing. That was my culture, the culture of my family.

Types of Family Structures

Case Studies of the Various Family Structures

Traditional Nuclear Family: The Case of Joan and Adam

Commentary

Traditional to Single-Parent to Blended Family: The Case of Svetlana

Commentary

Traditional Marriage to Extended Family to Same-Sex Cohabiting Relationship: The Case of John

Commentary

Cohabitating Relationship to Single Mom to Extended Family: The Case of Maria

Commentary

Traditional Marriage to a Variety of Family Structures: The Case of Robert

Commentary

Family Structure and Its Impact on Family Stability and the Family Network

The Family Network

Family Stability

Can You Create Stability and a Network if Your Family Structure Lacks Family Capital?

How Can I Create a Successful Family Structure?

Notes