Any change in how clients describe a goal (solution) and/or what they do affects future interactions with all others involved.
Any change in how clients describe a goal (solution) and/or what they do affects future interactions with all others involved.
In Chapter Four on well-defined goals, we described the necessity to construct goals within the client’s control. We have all experienced clients, however, who have said some variation on “I want the other person to be different” or even “I want you to change them.”
These are both complaints that define the solution as a change in someone else. The problem for us as therapists is that we cannot change someone else, nor can clients although they probably have tried many, many times.
So, since we cannot join with clients in changing someone else, our task is to cooperate with them in ways which can lead to their creating goals within their control.
There are four ways we have found useful in taking these complaints about someone else and turning them into workable goals.
The shortest route is often the direct and straightforward one. We simply explain how we cannot change anyone else. For example:
You know, as much as I would like to help you out, your spouse is not here, and I know I cannot change her. None of us can really change anybody else. Is there some other way that I can help you?
Example:
Therapist: What is your goal in coming in? (Goal frame)
Client: My wife has this problem. I think she has low self-esteem and she just is not doing what is best for her or making the most of our marriage.
Therapist: I am not sure I understand.
Client: She is very overweight, and she knows it. She is depressed. She just sits around all day. She complains to me about what I am doing. She says I am not making enough money for the family, that I am not doing enough with the children, that I am always talking down to her and not being supportive. I do not think I am not supportive. I think she just has this terribly low idea of herself and cannot stand that I am doing better than she is.
I have tried to convince her to go to a therapist, but she says I am the one with the problems, not she. She thinks I have the low self-esteem, and that I put her down in order to feel superior.
I have tried to convince her to see a therapist. I have tried to support her in going on diets. I have tried doing her work for her. Nothing seems to get this woman to change.
I cannot deal with her anymore. Can you help me get her to change?
Therapist: Well, it sounds like things have been frustrating for you and that you have tried everything to get her to change. I wish I could help you with this, but I cannot change her. Actually, I do not think anybody can change anybody else. It sounds as if you already realize that yourself. Is there some other way I can help?
Client: Well, at the very least, I need some way to cope with her negative attitude. (Goal statement)
Therapist: If you were doing that, what might you be doing differently? (Hypothetical solution frame)
This direct route corrects the frame of therapy away from his wish to have his wife be different to defining a path that he would like to take himself. The goal of “coping with her negative attitude” has more possibilities for him. Coping is within his control, while changing her self-esteem is not within his control.
A way of redirecting the wish to change someone else is by asking questions such as “What if the other person does not change? What will you do?”
This question explores the possibility of the other person not changing and the consequences of such an event. The question also explores what the client’s fears are. “What if the other person does not change? What will you do?” contains the potential for the clients to define what they will do that is within their control even if the solution does not contain all that they want. For example:
School counselor: What brings you in, Jack? (Goal frame)
Jack: Mr. Simons kicked me out of algebra class, again. That jerk!
Counselor: Really! What happened?
Jack: He does this every time. The whole class can be talking and screwing around while he is out of the room. When he comes back, who does he yell at, and kick out? Nobody else but me. He says with my grades I can’t afford to be screwing around. He just embarrasses me in front of the whole class. I wish I could embarrass him a few times. I wish I could get out of that class.
Counselor: Hmmm. What are you going to do? (With curiosity)
Jack: I don’t know, he’s such a jerk. He just decided the first day that he didn’t like me and now he is after me every chance he gets. He should retire. He’s too old to be teaching.
Counselor: Guess you figure he’s too old to change, is that right? (Clarification)
Jack: Are you kidding? He is so crusty. He would crack at the joints if he tried changing. He shouldn’t be teaching.
Counselor: Well, you might be right about his not changing. He might be set in his ways. So, if he is not likely to change what will you do? (Accepting his frame, asking the hypothetical solution, and presupposing that he will do something)
Jack: I am probably going to flunk algebra.
Counselor: Oh, and then you would have to repeat it?
Jack: Yes, and I can’t do that. My parents would be all over me.
Counselor: Oh, no! What are you going to do? You don’t want that. (Presupposing that he will solve the problem)
Jack: I guess I’ll just have to bite the bullet and be mute in Simon’s class.
Counselor: Will that do it?
Jack: No, he will still have it in for me.
Counselor: What would he say he wants you to do? (Hypothetical solution, reporting for the other)
Jack: Simons? He would probablysay he wants me to “cooperate” in class.
Counselor: What do you think he would say would be signs, in his way of thinking, that you were cooperating? (Hypothetical solution, reporting for the other)
Jack: But I am a cooperative guy.
Counselor: So what do you have to do to be “cooperative” in Mr. Simon’s eyes?
Jack: I guess he would say that I would not be screwing around when his back is turned.
Counselor: So, you would not be doing that. What would you be doing instead? (Eliciting a positive representation for a well-defined goal instead of the negation)
Jack: I guess I would be doing my work or at least keeping my mouth shut.
Counselor: This is what Mr. Simons would say? (Clarification of reporting position)
Jack: Yeah. He would probably say he would like me to volunteer more, too. (Further description of the movie)
Counselor: So, you think that might do it and help you pass. Are there times when you do some of this now? (Bringing the hypothetical solution into the present)
This interchange avoids the notion of changing the teacher and treats the teacher as just one of those unchangeable parts of Jack’s circumstances. He is faced with the consequences of continuing to do what he is doing and flunking or doing something different. Cooperating with Jack’s feeling of being victimized is a beginning. We do not, however, want to leave him there. We are sympathetic, yet asking him what he will do if the teacher does not change. He is now in a position to explore what he will do to pass algebra and how he will convince his teacher that he is cooperating. This is accomplished by using the “for the other” position questions.
Many times, clients appear to see the solutions in a sort of linear fashion, with one event conditional upon another. They seem to think that change by the other person has to happen first in order for something else to happen that they want to happen. Married people often think their husband or wife has to change first in order for them to have the closeness or trust that they seek. As we have mentioned before, the clients appear to think as if the change by the other, “A,” has to happen first before “B,” the change in the relationship, can happen. They think “A” is necessary before “B” can happen. So they see themselves as waiting helplessly for the other person to change.
As mentioned in previous chapters, we believe that the reverse of the formula can also work. In other words, if one acts as if “B” were already happening, “A” often happens. By asking the hypothetical solution question, we can find out what clients think they will be doing differently when the solution is happening and the other person is different. After identifying what it is that clients will be doing differently, we can find a way of having them do their part of the hypothetical solution now. We could also have them look for “exceptions” and identify what they are doing during the exceptional times.
We can help clients reverse their presupposition, that getting what they want depends on someone else changing first. By identifying what clients think they will be doing when the other is doing the changes the clients want, we help them do their part, something within their control already. By acting as if “B,” the hypothetical solution, were already happening, the client can bring about the solution. For example:
Therapist: Hello, Susan, what is your goal in coming in? (Goal frame)
Client: My marriage is not going well. I think Bill has fallen out of love with me and he won’t talk about it. Whenever I try to talk about our problem or bring it up, he just puts me off with, “Not that again,” and then he walks away. If I pursue him, we fight. He says there is nothing wrong, but I don’t believe him. If he would just talk to me or show me that he loves me, I wouldn’t be so upset. I tried to get him to come to therapy with me, but he said there was no way he was going to listen to more of my complaints in front of a stranger.
Therapist: (After supporting her being upset) I am sorry about all this. Can you tell me what the two of you will be doing differently when this is not a problem anymore? (Hypothetical solution frame)
Client: Well, if this changes, he will be talking with me. If he is unhappy with me, he will tell me instead of this silence. He will be more communicative and I think we will be spending more time together. (Most of these responses describe changes in her husband. We want descriptions of what she will be doing as well.)
Therapist: So he will be more communicative. What will you be doing differently?
Client: I guess I won’t be so worried.
Therapist: That sounds better for you. When you are not so worried, what will you be doing differently or at least different in his eyes? (Hypothetical solution, for the other position)
Client: I guess he would say I would be more relaxed and secure, and I think I would. (These descriptions are in feeling terms.)
Therapist: What will he see or hear you doing differently that will tell him that you are a little more relaxed? (Eliciting behavioral signs of “relaxed and secure” from the “for other” position)
Client: I will be getting more into my own things, my own friends, my own chores and hobbies. He thinks I am too dependent on him right now. (Meaning of the problem time)
Therapist: So you think he thinks you are too dependent on him and that he does not like that. When he thinks that way, what would he say he does?
Client: He probably says that I disgust him and he wants to get away. Maybe he thinks he has to make me more independent.
Therapist: So you don’t want him to pull away or make judgments about you. And when he thinks you are more relaxed or secure, what would he say he would do differently?
Client: He would probably say that he likes that more and … I don’t know what he would do.
Therapist: If he were here, what would you guess he would say he would do? (Hypothetical solution, for the other position)
Client: I suppose he might say that he would feel like spending time with me or that he just likes to see me happy.
Therapist: Are there times now when you think you appear a little more relaxed to him, maybe when you are a little more into your own things or friends? (Exceptions frame, for the other position)
Client: Sometimes. Sometimes, I just give up on him and just do my own thing. Then he comes around. He probably thinks I am more independent then.
Therapist: You think he likes you acting independently. How do you do that?
Client: Oh, sometimes I just feel like it, or sometimes I just tell myself I can’t look to him all the time. (Difference of meaning and therefore contextual difference)
Therapist: Is that different for you to tell yourself that? (Exceptions frame)
Client: Yes, I have been thinking that way more lately, more independently.
Therapist: So, how are you getting yourself to think and act more that way lately? (Enhancing agency)
Client: My friend has been suggesting it and I think she’s right.
Therapist: Well, as you continue to think and act in this different way, what do you think the chances are of his thinking of you more favorably and you getting more of what you want? (Bridging the exceptions as the goal)
Client: I think it is probably the way to go. He does talk to me more when he thinks I’m happy as opposed to whining.
Therapist: So, if you continue to act more independently, would you be getting what you want from coming here, even if he is not always responsive? (Bridging the exceptions as the goal of therapy)
Client: Yes, I really need to be looking to myself first.
Therapist: So, how will you continue to do this?
By focusing on the hypothetical solution when she will be doing something different, she was able to recognize actions she could take to help her situation that would increase the chances for more favorable interactions with her husband. By identifying what she will be doing in the hypothetical solution, she was able to recognize times now when she is already doing things for herself and see how that activity is creating more of the things she wants—that is, doing and thinking for herself and creating more favorable interactions with her husband.
Another way of getting beyond the initial complaint about someone else is by asking:
“What are you hoping that will achieve?”
“What will that do for you when ______ changes?”
“How will things be different for you when ______ changes?”
All three of these questions can bring out the intent of clients’ actions, the goal beyond the immediate actions or the belief behind their own actions. The goal beyond the immediate attempted solution is often more workable. For example:
Therapist: What is your goal in coming in, Mrs. Jansen? (Goal frame)
Client: It’s my son. He was kicked out of another residence. This is the third one he has gone through and now he is back home with me again. I can’t have him home with me again. I love him dearly and I won’t have him on the streets, but he has to change. Every time I think I have him set straight and he is settled in a halfway house and staying straight, he screws up and is back home with me. I just can’t have it. He is 28 and he should be on his own. I have tried everything, and yet he still blames me for his drug problems. He tells me that if his father and I hadn’t been fighting and going through all the mess he wouldn’t have these problems. He just has to get his life together. I can’t keep going through this. You have to do something for him.
Therapist: Let me see if I have this right. You have worked very hard getting him into residences and helping him with his drug problems and it doesn’t seem to be working. He goes back to drugs, or gets kicked out of the residences, and you have him back home with you. How will things be different for you when this situation is resolved? What will his changing achieve for him and for you? (Asking for the goal beyond her trying to help and save her son)
Client: I would be able to relax and know that he is on his way. Right now, I can never be sure and then I blame myself I would like him to grow up and for us to have a good, adult relationship.
Therapist: So, his acting differently would enable you to relax, feel better about your parenting, and relate with him as adults. (Clarification) Tell me about times now when you relax some and do something different than blame yourself even when he is making mistakes? (Exceptions frame, reporting for self)
Client: Sometimes, I am more sure that it is not my fault and just tell myself that he has to work it out. Usually, that is when other people are supporting me about it. (Difference of meaning, “… just tell myself that he has to work it out.”)
Therapist: How do you do that and still think you are helping, or that it is okay? You must still be worried some. (Further specification and cheerleading)
Client: Well, I do worry about him and I do feel guilty, but I know he has to do it himself.
Therapist: How do you know he has to do it himself? Sometimes, you must think you are responsible. (Enhancing her agency by asking her how she decides he is responsible for himself)
Client: I just know he has to grow up and he has to take care of himself He will not have me all the time to bail him out.
Therapist: So you know that he needs to take care of himself because he won’t always have you to look after him. So if you were letting him have the responsibility for his successes and mistakes more often and you were deciding that you were acting as a good parent, is that what you would like out of coming here? (Bridging the exceptions as the goal of therapy)
Client: Yes, I know that is what I have to do. It is just so hard to see him treating himself so badly sometimes.
Therapist: People who care the most such as yourself, sometimes find it the hardest. So, how do you let him have the responsibility for himself when you think you are acting more the way you want to? You obviously care a great deal about him and wish he could have guarantees. (Further specification and cheerleading)
Client: I just know that this is the only way we will cut the cord, so I do it. (Difference of meaning)
Therapist: I can see that, but still it must be very hard sometimes. How do you do that even when he is making serious mistakes and it is tearing you up to see him doing that? (Eliciting exceptions within her frame of his making mistakes and her possibly feeling guilty)
Client: (Crying) I just know that letting him go is the best thing for him in the long run.
This client initially states that she wants her son to be different so that she can let go, feel successful as a parent, and relate to him as an adult. However, changing her son is out of her control. As she continues to try to change him for the better according to her own criteria of what is better, she may ironically be fostering his dependence on her and defeating her own purposes.
As she outlines during the conversation, she wants assurance that her son will be all right and that she is not to blame for his mistakes. Beyond that, she wants to relax some even though the son makes mistakes and she wants to let him have responsibility for himself. She states she would like to have a good relationship with him as an adult.
This goal of letting her son have responsibility and her successfully letting go is beyond her immediate complaints about his being kicked out of the residence and her wish that the therapist would do something about him. The goal is certainly more workable than the initial complaints and wishes. Initially, she wants to change him, something beyond her control. By focusing on her intentions—that is, her goals beyond the immediate complaint—she is able to formulate a goal that is more workable and within her control. She can make changes in herself and, as she outlines, there are already exception times when she is letting him have responsibility now.
The goal or meta-solution beyond all the immediate attempted solutions can also be used to bridge what seem to be conflicting goals within a couple or family and where clients are saying the other person needs to change first. In a couples case, (Walter & Peller, 1988), the husband stated that he wanted his wife to be more responsible—that is, to take out the garbage, turn off lights, and do something about her weight. She thought that behind his complaints there must be underlying feelings that were not being expressed. So he kept trying to remind her to do all the things he complained of, while she kept trying to ask him what his underlying feelings were. They both saw these as conflicting goals in that each one disagreed with the other. The husband maintained that he had no other feelings underlying his complaints. At the same time the wife could not believe that if she fulfilled all his wishes he would then be happy and stop complaining.
When we asked about the intent of these immediate solutions, the couple replied that their ultimate goal was more “closeness.” This was a more workable frame than all their attempts to change the other and the meta-solution of “closeness” could bridge the gap of the seemingly conflicting goals. With the new frame of “closeness,” the couple could then begin to look at what each was doing within his or her control.
QUESTION:
Asking for the intent of someone’s actions makes it seem as if you believe that there might be a secret agenda. Is that true?
No, we take people at their word in what they say they want. The notion of hidden agendas has sometimes been construed to mean that people have some hidden payoff for their problems, that there is some secret gain for holding onto the problem.
While we acknowledge that actions can be purposeful and that people can be ambivalent about change, we do not believe in a functional purpose for the problem.
For example, a therapist may believe that a person who acts shy and fearful enjoys the secondary gain of the nurturing and sympathy he receives from friends over his failures to get what he wants. A therapist who accepts that interpretation may then try to do something about the “payoff” of nurturing by trying to get the man to acknowledge the “payoff” and achieve the gain in some other way.
We look literally at what people say, the meanings of frames they report, and the actions they take. We stay away from interpreting someone’s motivation and assume that what the clients say they want is indeed what they want.
Using a partner to report a complaint about someone they want to change, use each one of the above procedures. By having your partner keep the same complaint for each procedure, you can identify how each procedure is slightly different and may fit better depending upon the client’s initial presentation. Sometimes, a direct approach may fit better and sometimes not.
Be sure to switch roles. In the client role, you will learn immeasurably from the direction and invitation of the questions being put to you.
*This procedure assumes that there may be a goal to the, immediate attempted solution that has not been expressed yet. This notion is borrowed from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (Bandler & Grinder, 1979).