Daredevil Lovers and Spouses
The biggest problem you will face if you love a Daredevil is that you love a Daredevil. They do what they do so well that you are tempted to believe they can do anything. You are not alone in this belief; it is a cultural myth.
Hollywood loves Daredevils, too. The films they make about them may lead you to believe they can do the impossible. I don’t mean single-handedly foiling plots for world domination. Daredevils can do that. What’s impossible for them to do is settle down to a day-to-day normal life. Ferraris can’t transform themselves into Toyotas when it’s time to drive the kids to school.
Daredevils excel in jobs that require stamina, bravery, and thinking quickly on your feet. As cops, firefighters, and soldiers, they protect our society. We give them medals; we read about their adventures and watch them on the big screen. We just don’t stay married to them very long.
So, what do you do if you are in love with a Daredevil and want to keep him? Here are some suggestions.
First and Foremost, Know What to Expect Let’s face it, you fell in love with a Daredevil because he was fun and exciting, not because he was good at household chores. Daredevils are vital and exciting because they are perpetual teenagers. You will not be able to make them grow up until they are good and ready. This does not mean you just have to let them do whatever they want.
Don’t give up hope. You may not be able to change what Daredevils are, but with some effort and perspicacity, you can change what they do. This is what this section, and indeed this whole book, is about. You bought a Ferrari. You either have to do the maintenance or trade him in for a Toyota.
Don’t Expect Mind Reading The easiest way to be drained by the Daredevil you love is by believing that his sensitivity to your needs is a direct measure of how much he loves you. This is kind of like believing that dogs who really care about their owners will learn to talk.
No matter how much they care, Daredevils, unless they are actively seducing you, will never be able to figure out what you need and do it without your having to ask. This is at least partly genetic, because most Daredevils are male.
Women are socialized to recognize what needs to be done and to do it without being asked. Lower-order creatures, like men, children, pets, and emotional vampires, cannot be trained to be this perceptive. They must be given specific instructions.
If a woman sees a sock on the floor, she will pick it up and put it where it belongs. If a man sees a sock on the floor, he will assume it is there for a reason and step over it.
Any stereotypical statement you might make about men applies to Antisocials, especially Daredevils. They are masculinity made flesh. As we will see shortly, Histrionics are the walking, talking personifications of feminine stereotypes.
Like every other person who ever loved a Daredevil, as you read this, you are probably thinking: “He’s a grown man; do I have to tell him everything?”
Yes, you do, and there is even more to it than that.
Ask, Don’t Tell You can’t tell him; you’ll have to ask.
It is an understatement to say that Daredevils don’t like to be told what to do. If there is one in your life, even if you are far more responsible and conscientious, and even if you are right, he will still never allow you to give him orders.
If you want anything done, you will have to negotiate. Emotional vampires always want something. Don’t give it to them unless they give you something you want. To you, saying, “If you want sex tonight, wash the dishes and sweep the floor,” may sound like crass manipulation. To a Daredevil, it sounds like a good deal.
Unless you actually have more stars on your collar, a Daredevil will never let you outrank him. The reason I bring this up is that dominance battles in a relationship are not usually about who is the actual boss; they are about who is right and who is wrong. The content is often ridiculous. From 40 years of doing marital therapy, I can tell you that after sex, money, and child discipline, the next most frequent thing that couples argue about is how to load the dishwasher. Everyone, it seems, believes that there is a right way and a wrong way to do this.
Life offers a cruel choice: you can be right or happy. Not both. This is true regardless of whom you may be involved with, but it is especially true if there is an emotional vampire in your life. For you to be right, someone has to be wrong for you. All you really win is resentment, and the certainty of another argument.
Structure, Structure, Structure As I have said before, if there is a Daredevil in your life, take a tip from the organizations in which they are most successful—police and fire departments and the military. All these organizations have rules and regulations, and extensive training in how to follow them. They also have assigned tasks and duty rosters that clearly specify who is responsible for what and when. If you love a Daredevil, you will need duty rosters as well.
Unlike in the military, the duty rosters at home are not handed down by someone of higher rank; they are created by negotiation, like between labor and management, except it’s never clear which is which.
Whatever the task, discuss it, decide what actions are necessary, and negotiate a roster specifying who is to do what and when.
This works whether you’re talking about taking out the garbage or raising children. Always know who is responsible for what.
If you are a new family, having a parent on duty schedule is essential for survival. Never go to bed without agreeing whose turn it is to get up in the night. The last thing you want is to argue about this at three in the morning.
Whether the duty is that of parent, dishwasher, or garbage taker-outer, all jobs must have authority as well as responsibility. The person on duty’s decisions are final. No matter how bad they are, they cannot be changed without a court-martial.
Ignore Grumbling All men grumble, and all men fart. You should treat both in pretty much the same way. Do not reward them with your attention.
Give him full credit for getting the job done. Pay no attention to attitude. The issue is doing, not doing for the right reason.
When a Daredevil starts grumbling, before you make up soap operas in your mind, look at the contingencies involved. If someone can get out of unpleasant tasks by getting a little surly, what do you think he’s going to do, regardless of how much he loves you? What are you teaching him? If you happen to be a woman, you were socialized to pay attention to other people’s needs. This is an admirable skill. Don’t let vampires use it against you.
Send Him on Missions Daredevils are at their best when they are fixing cars, fighting bad guys, killing animals to stock the family larder, or partying after a successful hunt. At the drop of a hint, they will drop whatever they’re doing to deal with an emergency, real or contrived. Use your imagination to keep them busy with fixing, hunting, rescuing, and other manly tasks. If you’re smart, you can make doing the laundry sound manly. If Daredevils have too much time on their hands, they will create missions of their own. You will probably not like these missions.
Keep Doing Exciting Things What wins a Daredevil’s heart is a playmate who likes the same things he does. Whatever the activity—sports, hiking, climbing, camping, surfing, hunting, fishing, guerrilla sex, or jumping out of airplanes—once you start, you will have to continue participating as long as you want the relationship to last.
If you poop out or get too busy with more important things, your Daredevil will eventually find another playmate. I am not defending this practice, only pointing out that doing stimulating things together is the lifeblood of a relationship with a Daredevil. More boring tasks will have to be scheduled around the fun stuff. Or else.
Never pretend to like what a daredevil likes in hopes of reeling him in, expecting that you can stop doing whatever it is once you have caught him. If you want a long-term commitment, you will have to make one also.
Don’t Be His Drinking Buddy The one activity you should not keep doing together is substance abuse. Snowboarding does not destroy lives; drinking does. If his activity of choice is partying, don’t assume that he will cut down on it when he has more responsibilities. Stop now in favor of a healthier and more active lifestyle. If he doesn’t stop with you, know what to expect. If you can’t stop, either don’t start or get help now. If there is a Daredevil in your life, the one battle you must win is with substance abuse. We will discuss addiction more extensively in a few pages.
If you are in love with a Daredevil, you have a tiger by the tail. If you don’t love riding roller coasters with tigers, go find an accountant. Your life will be less exciting, but it will be safer and more predictable.
Speaking of myths, one that you will have to confront is that truth and lies are black and white, and that anyone who deviates from the truth is a pathological liar who can’t be trusted about anything.
Pathological liars do exist, but they are rarer than you think. They will be discussed in the chapters on Used Car salesman. All emotional vampires lie, but they lie in different ways and for different reasons. Different kinds of lies require different strategies. Daredevils lie to get out of very immediate consequences. They rarely think deeply enough to consider concepts like truth and honesty. Their lies are generally of the dog-ate-my-homework variety.
Daredevils usually love sex. They may cheat if the opportunity presents itself. You will have to decide if that is a deal-breaker in your relationship.
Cathy picks up Kevin’s cell phone looking for contact information on a mutual friend. As the phone comes to life, a picture of a woman appears. She’s holding an umbrella drink.
“Who is this?” Cathy asks, showing the picture to Kevin.
“Oh,” Kevin says. “She was at the conference I went to last month. She wanted me to take her picture.”
Before we go any further into Kevin’s explanation about who the woman in the picture is, we need to discuss a concept from philosophy. The rule is called “Ockham’s Razor” which, when boiled down, suggests: The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
If there is a Daredevil in your life, you may find yourself in the same position as Cathy. What should you do?
First, Ask for Time to Think Close down the discussion right there. Do not say what you think or what you are going to do, because you don’t know. The last thing you need is to appear to accept a cock-and-bull story, or to be maneuvered into an irrelevant discussion of trust, love, or your shortcomings as a partner. All the clients I have seen in this situation have wished that they had not lost control when the first evidence showed up. Give yourself that chance. Withdraw from the discussion and think it through before you freak out.
Aside from giving you a chance to get your thoughts in order, this approach will have a much more profound effect on your errant partner than anything else you might say or do. His behavior remains the problem, rather than being supplanted by your emotional response.
Evaluate the Evidence In the time of silence and self-examination that you ask for, you have to decide whether there is real evidence or only your own insecurity. Hard data, like pictures on a phone or text messages, are very different from flirting at a party or being gone too long on an errand. Evaluate the facts and know yourself.
If you do not score high on the Paranoid vampire checklist in Chapter 25, you are probably not making this up. It is possible that Cathy could be wrong, that Kevin’s explanations are true. If they are, there will be other evidence, and he will produce it.
If this is the first time something like this has happened, it is conceivable that it is a stupid mistake that can be rectified. If there have been previous affairs, don’t fool yourself.
Focus on Infidelity, Not Lying Don’t imagine that the situation would be any different if your partner came to you and said, “Honey, I’m having an affair.”
Decide What Infidelity Means to You Is it so unthinkable that it means that the relationship is over? If so, it’s time to consult an attorney. If you don’t know, consult a therapist. The question at this point is about your deepest feelings, not whether you should dump the Daredevil or stay with him. There will be many people who will offer an opinion on that question should you ask. Don’t ask. Your decision should be based on what you feel and why you feel it. A therapist can help you sort this out better than a friend can.
Now You Are Ready to Talk Set a time to discuss the issue. Ask your partner what he or she thinks should be done. If you get more cock-and-bull stories without hard evidence, just get up and walk away. Try it one more time before you make your final decision.
If You Plan to Stay Together, Get Professional Help Sooner Rather than Later There are so many issues involved in infidelity. You will need help to sort them out and deal with them one at a time. Get it.
Many women grow out of the Daredevils they married when they were in their twenties. They finally get tired of all the things they have to put up with to maintain that Ferrari. If you are one of them, you know what I’m talking about. Your friends and family have been telling you for years to get rid of the guy. When you finally decide to do it, it’s much harder than you expect.
Shelly has finally had it with Dylan. She can no longer take the lies, the partying, the irresponsibility, and the cold distance, not to mention that woman. Shelly figures a divorce will be a relief to both of them. She consults with a lawyer and tells Dylan to move out.
All of a sudden, to her great surprise, she becomes the most important thing in Dylan’s life. For years, all she has wanted was a little consideration, affection, and emotional support, like when they were dating. There was nothing.
Now, after the papers have been served, here he is on her doorstep late at night with tears, promises, and a bouquet, that handsome devil who so many years ago stole her heart. Maybe after all this time he is finally changing. That’s what he says. Can she believe him?
Well, one more night together can’t hurt anything.
Anything is possible, but it is not likely that imminent divorce has caused Dylan to grow up—especially since he is still acting exactly like a Daredevil. The relationship is now more exciting and worth pursuing because he can’t have it any more. He will say and do anything to get it back. Then what?
I would not be so presumptuous as to tell Shelly what to do with Dylan there on her doorstep. I might tell her that nothing has really changed, but in her heart she knows that already. I will tell her that almost everyone who has ever tried to divorce a Daredevil has found herself in the same position, and that almost everyone invites him in and later feels that she can’t tell her friends and family because they wouldn’t understand. Vampires thrive in the shadows of dark secrets.
If you, like Shelly, are trying to divorce a Daredevil, or any other kind of emotional vampire, I do have a few suggestions.
Don’t Keep Secrets If you admit your mixed emotions and erratic behavior, you may discover that all your friends, and maybe even your mother (and maybe your father, too), has invited a vampire ex back to bed. If you don’t, you may feel like you are the only person in the world who has ever been that stupid. Believe me, you aren’t. Deciding whether to proceed with a divorce is painful, difficult, and confusing. Don’t try to do it alone or, worse, with the vampire himself as your only confidant. You need to be able to think clearly and talk openly to decide what is best for you.
Give It Time If you are considering taking a vampire back, don’t do it right away. Give it enough time to see if the changes he promises actually persist. The most important thing he has to prove to you is that he now has patience, and can tolerate not getting what he wants right when he wants it. Sending you 30 texts a day might be different and even flattering, but it is more likely to indicate impatience than a real change in motivation.
If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, here are some things to consider.
Stop Talking to Him You may hope that things will be reasonable and amicable, but don’t count on it. Spurned Daredevils sometimes just wander away, or they might get vicious. Or both. If you continue to talk to him, he will try every hypnotic technique he knows.
Line up friends and family to be like sponsors in AA to help you get over your vampire addiction. If you are thinking about talking to him, call them instead.
If he wants to talk to someone, have it be your lawyer.
Get a Good Lawyer Don’t even think of a DIY divorce. You will need a lawyer to keep you grounded in reality.
Picking a good lawyer is difficult because the legal profession is itself full of vampires. Talk to friends and interview a few attorneys before you make your choice.
Good lawyers should:
• Return calls promptly. I’m surprised at how many lawyers don’t. I’m talking about calls during office hours. Never accept an attorney who doesn’t get back to you for days, unless someone from the office contacts you to explain why. Even then, be skeptical. How long does a phone call take?
• Be more decisive than you are. Good lawyers should be polite, but not necessarily nice. The last thing you want is a lawyer who is too conflict-avoidant to deal effectively with the asshole that your ex will hire. You want your lawyer to be stronger and more decisive than you are, not less.
• Be proactive. You do not want a lawyer who counsels you to wait to see what someone else does. The battle goes to whoever gets there first with the most. This is particularly true in matters of custody and visitation. Always ask an attorney what the overall plan is. If there is no overall plan, you have no attorney.
Once the Divorce Is Final, Never Ever Deviate from the Letter of the Decree You’ve heard the one about what happens if you let a camel put his nose in your tent. Always remember that your ex is that camel.
Vampires don’t play by the rules. If you are divorced from one, the best time to make a big deal about this is at the first infraction. This applies to making payments, adhering to visitation schedules, or anything else. Don’t let the little things go, because they will become big things. It is for these later issues more than for the divorce itself that you need a lawyer who is more proactive and aggressive than you are.
A side effect of marriage is having children. Daredevils seem to have a lot of them, but they are often scattered about in various different families. For this reason, we will need to look at the Daredevil dad from several different perspectives.
Let’s go back a few years before Shelly and Dylan got divorced:
When it comes to having fun, Dylan has always been a great dad. It’s just that when the fun stops, so does he. Shelly keeps trying to explain that being a dad means doing things that are necessary but not fun, like changing diapers, helping with homework, taking kids to the doctor, going to boring school programs, and the biggie, enforcing rules consistently. Dylan’s approach to rules is to either ignore them or fly off the handle at tiny infractions that make his life more difficult.
Could Shelly have done things so differently that it would have affected how things came out in the end? There’s no saying. If you are trying to parent with a Daredevil, I do have a few suggestions.
Structure, Structure, Structure Remember this?
With children and emotional vampires, it’s absolutely essential that you deal with one thing at a time. Many of the day-to-day tasks of parenting are predictable. Whether it’s changing diapers or setting curfews, each one needs to be discussed, and some agreement needs to be reached about how they are to be done, who does them, and when. It will help to have things written down in a manual that can be consulted later.
This approach may seem tedious and unnecessary to someone who already knows how to do things and believes that everyone else should also. There will always be other, more immediate demands on your time, but believe me, setting structure in advance is not a wasted effort. The last thing you want is to be arguing about how things should have been done when they have already been done poorly or not done at all.
Stick with the Parent on Duty Roster Parent on duty is a concept that continues to be useful long after your children have grown out of midnight feedings and changes. There are two reasons for this. The first, the importance of clarity and structure, we have already discussed. The second is more subtle. If you want a partner to stay involved with child rearing, he will need to do it his own way, even if you think his way is wrong. Aside from basic safety issues, there are no right and wrong ways to parent, only opinions.
The reward for taking care of parent-on-duty responsibilities is absolute control. I bring this up because in dealing with irresponsible behavior in a spouse, many people become overly responsible to the point of rigidity.
A clue that this might be happening is being asked, “Why should I do anything when everything I do is wrong?” If you are ever asked this question, it would do you well to remember that it is about contingencies, rather than about who is right or wrong.
Shelly tried hard, but nothing worked.
Now that the divorce is final, things have gotten worse. Shelly could write a book about how unreliable Dylan is with money, with schedules, with everything. She can’t even count how many times he has let the kids down, and when he does take them, it’s almost impossible to get them back into a routine after he lets them run wild. The thing that really gets to her is that even with all his faults and broken promises, the kids still think their dad is the greatest thing since sliced bread.
It’s not that she’s jealous, but why does she have to do all the work of child rearing when he gets all the fun?
Okay, so she is jealous.
Daredevils are the original good-time dads. This invariably does more damage to the ex-spouse than it does to the kids. If you are in this situation, here are some suggestions.
Pick Your Battles Remember, Daredevils don’t like to be told what to do. The more battles you try to fight over your children’s needs, the less effective you will be. It does not matter that you’re right; with a vampire, the number of battles you can win is very limited. Make sure they are the important ones.
Children are incredibly resilient. They can handle a lot of shoddy parenting and still come out fine. A good rule of thumb is restricting yourself to safety issues and situations in which your child actually asks you to intervene. Even then, it will work better if the child speaks for him- or herself.
By the way, Daredevil authority issues can be exploited. Should you want one to stay away, all you have to do is tell him he needs to spend more time with his children.
Understand Your Own Motivation Before you bring up parenting issues to a Daredevil Dad, look into your own heart. How much of your desire to intervene is based on your child’s need, and how much is motivated by your own anger and jealousy. Vampires, who are much better at deception than you’ll ever be, will immediately know if you’re sniping at them from behind your children.
Worse than that, your children will know, and feel that to be loyal to you, they have to be against their dad. Needless to say, this is not a situation you want to foster.
Communicate Directly Difficult as it may be to talk to him, never send messages to Dad through the kids. The chances of confusion and misinterpretation are boundless. By communicating indirectly, you can create just the kind of environment in which vampires flourish.
Lighten Up Know always that at some level your kids understand and appreciate the love, effort and structure that you provide that their dad doesn’t. Unfortunately, they probably won’t say anything about it until they become parents themselves. If you want your kids to think you’re an awesome mom sooner, lighten up and have more fun with them, even if you think that there are more important things to be done.
Daredevil dads are fun one minute, but they let you down in the next. Whether you are 10 or 60, it’s up to you to figure out how you’re going to live with that.
Dylan’s son Jake loves baseball. At least part of the reason was that his dad loved it, too. When he was younger, before the divorce, they used to play catch all the time. Now, they never do. It’s too bad, because Jake has gotten really good. He’s a starter this year. His dad keeps promising to come to games, but he always has an excuse for not showing up.
Here are some suggestions that might help Jake or anybody else whose vampire dad is a no-show, either literally or figuratively.
Understand That It’s Him, Not You Responsibility is supposed to flow from parent to child. It’s not your job to make attending to your needs easy and fun.
Your dad isn’t there for you because there is something lacking in him, not in you. The more you try to get his attention and approval, the more of yourself you will lose. This is very sad, but there isn’t much you can do about it.
Get out there and play ball because you want to. Someone will notice.
Speak for Yourself If you don’t like the way your dad treats you, tell him how you feel and what you want. Don’t let anyone else speak for you. Your words are more likely to affect him than anyone else’s, but they may not. Improve your chances by saying exactly what you mean; don’t hint and expect him to get it. Tell him how you feel and what you want, not that he’s acting like a jerk.
Let Go of Your Resentment It’s easy to blame all the bad things in your life on lousy parents. The sooner you stop doing so, however, the more energy you will have to devote to yourself, and the happier and more successful you will be. If you listen to this advice now, it will save you a few years of therapy later.
When He Needs You, Give Yourself Permission to Say No Sooner or later, your Daredevil dad will need you. He’ll be bored, broke, lonely, or too old to take care of himself. It is your right to say no. This is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do if you are a responsible person. The only thing harder is being the next in line to take care of a person who has never had to take care of himself. Once you start, he won’t let you stop. Or you won’t let yourself.
Help him if you feel you must, but understand that it is okay to say no. Remember the direction in which responsibility is supposed to flow.
As he takes out his checkbook, Dylan’s father sighs. He looks at his son, and, with all the gravitas he can muster, says, “Okay, I’ll pay this month’s rent, but this is the very last time.”
Both of them know it won’t be.
If your adult child is an emotional vampire, you will have to make hard choices for the rest of your life. You will know that you shouldn’t intervene, but the alternative will always be unthinkable. You just won’t be able to let him go to jail, live on the street, or have no relationship with his children.
Being a father myself, I know that love always triumphs over good sense. I will not insult you by telling you to leave him to his fate. What I will tell you is that there is no more thankless place to be than standing between an emotional vampire and the consequences of his own actions. Of course, you know that already.
I will also tell you a few other things that might prove useful if your adult child is a Daredevil, or any other kind of emotional vampire.
The usual way vampires get their parents to bail them out is by telling a tale of woe. They seem so upset and hopeless that you feel you have to step in to save the day. We have all done this with our children, and we should all stop. Right now.
If a vampire wants something, he or she should always have to ask. That way, you can maintain some control over the transaction. You can say yes or no, or specify what you want in return.
Let’s get real here. Daredevils always need money, and if you have it, you will always give it to them. Don’t even pretend that the money is a loan, because we all know you will never be paid back.
As with everything you do with emotional vampires, think of the contingencies involved before you act. Loans involve giving the reward first, then hoping that the other person will live up to his or her part of the bargain. This is a lousy business practice. It is the reason that banks require collateral and credit cards charge usurious interest rates, but as we well know, those strategies don’t work with emotional vampires. I am always surprised at how long they can go without consequences for failing to make payments.
If banks can’t make Daredevils pay their debts, you certainly can’t. You’re not going to repossess their collateral, so forget about even pretending that the money you give them is a loan.
At the very least, put your wayward child on a salary—however many dollars you can afford on the first of the month. Try and limit it to that.
Better yet, make it a real salary. Get your vampire to do something before you give him any money. That something can be for you, like mowing your lawn or washing your car. This will usually involve ridiculous overpayment for a symbolic gesture.
A more creative strategy would be to make what you pay for something that will benefit your vampire or his family. Make money contingent on his finishing his résumé, doing his taxes, passing a class, or volunteering at his kids’ school. Whatever it is, demand hard evidence before you hand over any money.
Whatever contingency you set, remember: a deal’s a deal.
With an emotional vampire, a verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. Whatever agreements you make should be written and signed by all parties involved. Remember, vampires thrive on confusion and misunderstanding.
Whenever possible, see that any money you give goes directly to the bank, the landlord, or the power company. Cash given to a vampire has a way of disappearing before it gets where it’s supposed to go.
Whether it’s money, babysitting, or letting your child move in, if you give anything to a vampire, always specify how much, how long, and what will happen if he or she goes over the limit. Needless to say, you will have to stick to whatever limits you set. This will always be easier if the limits are set in advance.
Nobody can follow all the suggestions I have offered about how to handle Daredevil adult children. Children of whatever age can soften our hearts and our resolve like no one else can. Good luck. All you can do is your best.
Daredevils are the emotional vampires you will encounter most frequently. As I said earlier in this chapter, they are the basic model. The suggestions I make about how to deal with them effectively apply to most other types of vampires as well.
In the next few chapters, we will be discussing other types of Antisocial vampires who are darker and more dangerous.