People either love Narcissists or hate them. Many of the people who once loved them end up hating them, and hating themselves for loving them. As I said in Chapter 16, Narcissists are, rightly or wrongly, the most despised of the vampire types. Perhaps they are not the most dangerous, but they do seem to be the most draining to the most people.
One of the reasons that Narcissists have such a strong effect on us has to do with the programming in the most primitive areas of our brains. We respond to dominance hierarchies in very predictable ways.
These rules of dominance are simple: the dominant get to be aggressive against the submissive, but the submissive can’t be aggressive in return unless they are vying for the dominant role. These rules may be simple, but their effect is anything but.
Some hierarchies are clear and formal, but most are not. Any time two or more people get together, there is always some question as to who has ascendancy over whom.
Narcissists always take the dominant role, whether they have a right to it or not. The anger we feel at being treated like inferiors bubbles up from the depths of the oldest part of our brains.
This anger clouds our judgment. Instead of figuring out what we want to have happen in a particular situation, we just want to get back at them, or show them how it feels to be treated the way they treat us. Narcissists thrive in the confusion this kind of competition creates.
In order to deal effectively with the Narcissists in our lives, we must be able to override our primitive anger, think about what we want, and decide how best to get it. This process is similar to overriding the fight or flight response in dealing with Bullies. We need to understand Narcissists, and use that understanding to be as calculating in our dealings with them as they are with us.
Here is the most important thing to understand: though Narcissists treat you callously, they need you—maybe more than you need them. They don’t need you in the way you might want to be needed, as a three-dimensional human being; but as a source of Narcissistic supplies. To protect yourself, you have to accept this, because you’re not going to change it.
To be effective with Narcissists, you have to deal with them at their own level. You must be coldhearted enough to barter whatever it is they want from you for decent treatment, and strong enough to make them pay up front. If you can’t do this, or if you get angry because you have to, you’d better get out now because they will eat you alive.
Here are some of the Narcissists you may encounter in your life. What you do with them is up to you.
Everybody in the family thinks Uncle Ed and Uncle Walt should have their own political show on Sunday morning. That way, they could turn them off.
Ed and Walt actually are radio pundits, at least in their own minds. They make regular calls to local talk jocks, Ed to the conservative guy and Walt to the progressive.
Ed and Walt have ironclad opinions, based mostly on their own prejudices and bolstered by what they hear on the radio and TV and read on their favorite blogs. They both believe that anyone who doesn’t agree with them is an idiot.
“Well, Mr. College Man,” Uncle Ed says to Brian, his nephew. “What did you think of the president’s speech?”
“Well,” says Brian, who majors in economics, “I think his ideas about tax cutting don’t make a lot of sense, based on any of the most accepted economic models.”
“That’s the problem with you liberals; you’re always using models. I’m talking about the real world.”
“And what real world is that?” Uncle Walt chimes in. “The one where the gap between the rich and poor is bigger than the one in Uganda? Of course, Ed, I know you don’t believe in statistics. You think they’re right up there with the Easter Bunny and global warming.”
So it goes, ad nauseam. These Legends in Their Own Minds are experts in what logicians call the ad hominem argument, attacking the person instead of the idea. In formal debates, this is tantamount to admitting defeat. For Ed and Walt, it means they’re just getting warmed up.
The ad hominem argument is the Narcissist’s secret weapon. They use it all the time. Just listen to any blowhard on the radio. If you tangle with a Narcissist, you can get trapped into defending yourself instead of your opinion. In the battle for dominance, the Narcissists usually win because they don’t fight fair.
Here are some ideas about how to deal with pundits like Ed and Walt. I’m afraid there is nothing we can do about the ones on radio and TV.
I’m not sure if the story of the tar baby, who trapped Br’er Rabbit by not saying a word, is still politically correct, but it is apropos. The easiest way to avoid a struggle with someone who is vying to be the smartest guy in the room is to play dumb. To do this, you will have to tamp down your own irritation at being treated like you don’t know anything and just say, “Huh?”
As with any extinction strategy, once you start it, you have to stick with it. Narcissists will happily lecture you on their point of view for as long as you’ll listen. Don’t listen. Say, “I don’t know anything about politics” and be on your way.
I have been a member of Rotary for quite some time. It was founded a little over a hundred years ago by a group of business leaders who thought that fellowship and amiable discussion could benefit their community. They recognized that getting a group of high-powered people together might result in all sorts of dominance struggles, so from the beginning, they banned discussion of politics and religion. From that day to this, the rule has prevented millions of arguments and made it possible for Rotarians to stay focused on the stated goal of helping their communities.
Following the Rotary Rule will make all your family gatherings more civil, especially if there are Narcissists in the house. Invoking it will require some cooperation, but you will probably be able to recruit co-conspirators pretty easily. There is strength, and dominance, in numbers.
This strategy is risky at best. I don’t suggest you try it at home. Nevertheless, if you want to score a point against a Narcissistic blowhard, take advantage of the fact that an ad hominem argument is logically indefensible.
The best protection against an ad hominem argument is to ignore it and stick to the subject at hand. Needless to say, this is hard to do when you or your sources are being called idiots.
To use this tactic, begin by stipulating whatever you’re being accused of—stupidity, racism, or dewy-eyed idealism. If you take the bait and try to defend yourself, you’re toast.
Instead, steal the position of dominance. In any discussion, questions are far more powerful than statements. Try asking a blowhard Narcissist where he gets his facts.
“Global warming? Give me a break!” Uncle Ed fumes. “That’s just a load of manure that the Democrats are trying to shove down our throats. There’s no such thing as global warming. It’s just natural climate cycles.”
“So, what’s your source?” Mr. College Man Brian asks. “How do you know there’s no such thing as global warming?”
“What do you mean, ‘what’s my source’? That sounds like the kind of thing those liberal PhDs up at the university are always whining about. You mean to tell me you believe those guys? I thought you were smarter than that.”
“Okay, I admit that there are a lot of liberal profs up at the U. I may be stupid for taking classes from them. So educate me. How do you know there’s no such thing as global warming?”
“It’s like the Ice Age.”
“How is it like the Ice Age?”
Ed just shakes his head. “Kids these days.”
Would it really work? Can you actually win an argument with a blowhard?
Probably not, but you can dream.
Meanwhile, try to invoke the Rotary Rule.
Gwendolyn calls herself a Tiger Mom, but she seems to have confused tigers with racehorses. She has two beautiful daughters, ages 8 and 12, who are talented, gifted, and driven to the very limit. They are the top students at prep school. They excel in sports, music, art, and whatever else there is to excel at.
Evan, their dad is very proud of them, but he is worried that they’re missing out on childhood.
He knows why Gwendolyn does it. She is scary bright, but had to make do with a local college. She’s a successful real estate developer, but could have been … well, who knows?
What Evan suspects is that she is re-creating her own youth through them.
He tries to bring it up casually. “Gwen,” he says one evening, “don’t you think you’re pushing the kids kind of hard?”
Gwendolyn’s stare is colder than Antarctica. “Those girls that you think I’m pushing too hard are happiest and healthiest when they are doing their best to make something of themselves. But you wouldn’t understand that, would you?”
Evan hears a damp thump as his testicles hit the floor.
When criticized, Narcissists quickly escalate to tactical nuclear weapons. They lash out, not caring how much pain they are causing. You probably recognized the ad hominem argument, and know it is merely a diversion. Let’s hope Evan did.
Here are some guidelines that might help Evan in this situation. They might also help you if you have to discuss a controversial subject with a Narcissistic vampire:
It’s not that Narcissists like Gwendolyn don’t deserve criticism; they just won’t hear it. You have to try something different.
Ask yourself what you want to have happen. Think long term.
Evan wants Gwendolyn to ease up on the girls, which is a good place to start. If he stops there, he will have to have this discussion again every time Gwendolyn gets pushy.
In order to ease up with any consistency, Gwendolyn needs to be able to consider someone else’s feelings as well as her own. This is a hard thing to teach a Narcissist, but it is possible, especially if you are dealing with someone she dearly loves.
Evan should use every opportunity to ask the girls how they feel, not just about their achievements, but about everything. Making feelings a regular part of the family discourse will remind Gwendolyn that other people have feelings, and may encourage her to consider them in the name of being mother of the year, which is the title she seems to be vying for.
Gwendolyn put Evan down hard, and unfairly. Most people would consider him to be a pretty successful guy, but in competitive achievement, Gwendolyn is a pro and he’s an amateur. To accomplish his goal of getting her to consider the girls’ feelings, he needs to change the sport to who is the most concerned parent, one in which he is a viable contender.
Narcissists are difficult at any time of the year, but during the holidays, they can be even bigger pains in the butt.
Sarah looks forward to the holidays; she also dreads them. The problem is that every year, Connor’s lack of enthusiasm hangs over the season like a damp blanket. He doesn’t actually yawn and look at his watch, but he might as well.
Getting him a gift is a nightmare. Last year, the kids picked out a shirt and tie that they thought looked really cool. When Connor started tearing off their homemade wrapping, the children were so excited that they were literally jumping up and down—that is, until he lifted the lid.
He said, “Thanks kids; these are great!” But the way he tossed the box aside made it seem like he’d gotten a lump of coal. Even the four-year-old knew that he was disappointed.
Narcissists often see themselves as easy to get along with because they never yell. They don’t need to; they can convey displeasure eloquently without saying a word. A cold shoulder, a look of disdain, or just not being there says more than words can ever express. Sarah’s heart aches. There is nothing she can say, either. She just lets it be, thereby rewarding Connor for being a jerk and making it more likely that he will continue to act like a pouty child when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. He does stuff like this all the time, but it seems so much more painful during the holidays, when everyone else is full of love and good cheer.
If there is a Narcissist in your life, here are some suggestions that may make your holidays a little bit brighter (not to mention the rest of the year as well).
Don’t let a Narcissist, or any other kind of vampire, get away with nonverbal disapproval. Unspoken communication has much more power than mere words because it is ambiguous. If a Narcissist says you did something wrong, you can at least disagree. If he only hints at it, you are left wondering if what you’re seeing really means what you think it does, or if the whole thing is somehow your fault, or whatever else you might be imagining.
By trying to avoid conflict with a Narcissist, you set up a conflict within yourself, and he gets off scot-free. If there are children around, they are probably feeling the same things, and wondering why adults never say what they really mean.
What do you do instead? This technique will work, but it requires some finesse and quite a bit of courage. Here are the steps to follow:
Observe. People have characteristic ways of expressing nonverbal disapproval—a snort, a frown, eye rolling, changing the subject, or damning with faint praise. Watch closely, and identify these characteristic behaviors well enough to be able to describe them out loud.
Translate rather than pointing the finger. This is the tricky part because it is subtle, but it will make all the difference. An unsubstantiated accusation of an internal state, like, “You’re bored,” invites defensiveness. A translation, like, “You keep looking at the clock; I’m assuming you’re bored,” is much harder to deny. A Histrionic might try, but other kinds of vampires will have to concede that they are indeed looking at the clock.
Sarah takes a deep breath. “From the way you set that box aside, it seems like you don’t like the shirt and tie.”
Connor tries to smile. “No, uh, it’s just that … well, the color doesn’t go with any of my suits.”
This is what it sounds like when you score a point against a Narcissist. The goal is not guilt induction, but clarification. When you make the nonverbal verbal, Narcissists lose the refuge of silence. They have to admit to their childish behavior. This makes it less likely that they will try the same stunt again, and it validates the perceptions of any real children who might be present.
Narcissists need narcissistic supplies. Connor wants to be seen positively, so name your price in advance. This is the sine qua non of dealing effectively with Narcissists.
“Connor, the holidays are coming. We want them to be fun for everyone, so I’ll ask you now: do you want to participate?”
“Of course. What makes you think I wouldn’t?”
Sarah presses on, ignoring the hook that might get her into a useless argument at this point.
“Okay, here’s a list of the things we typically do over the holidays. Tell me which of them you want to do with us.”
Connor glances at the list. “All of them.”
“Okay, if you want to be a part of things, here’s a list of dos and don’ts.”
“Are you kidding?”
“Not in the least.”
For a normal person, this approach would be outrageous, but you may be surprised at how well Narcissists respond. They will pay to play, but only if you ask for it up front.
There will likely be an argument about you being controlling or treating him like a child. Cop to it. The only position he will have left will be to argue for his right to act like a Grinch.
As with all vampires, you have to focus on behavior, not feelings. If you want to see a Narcissist’s eyes light up, ask him what he wants, and give it to him. If you feel that a gift must be a surprise, remember that for a Narcissist, it’s the expense that counts, not the thought. Always go for the top of the line.
To get a Narcissist to participate in holiday festivities, you need to do pretty much the same thing you’d do for a four-year-old: give him his own part of the celebration to plan and execute however he wants.
If there is a Narcissist in your life, you know what it’s like to feel love, hate, fear, and anger tangle and intertwine inside you until you are so confused you don’t know what to do.
In those dark moments, trust yourself. In the end, Narcissists need you more than you need them.