I’m racking my addled and worried brain as I follow my brother to our front room.* I can’t think of what it is that I’ve done wrong (this time) and so I’m reluctant to trail Dermot, but I can’t think of a good reason to thwart him with.
‘Have a seat,’ he says.
EEP, this must be a BIG transgression.†
‘I’ve been talking with the guys and we’re all agreed that we’d like you to handle the fan mail we’ve been getting.’
‘WHAT?’ I squeak, louder than any squeak has any right to be.
Then a strange burbling starts to come out of me and whatever language it’s in it’s not English: ‘Blempremfembem.’
‘Great, so you’ll do it?’
I nod vigorously and sort of hurt my neck. My head is buzzing and my mouth goes dry. On the plus side, it stops me burbling, but I don’t think my heart is beating any more. Ah well, swings and roundabouts, as they say.
OK, let me explain what a big deal this is. Teen Factor X is the show on TV for teenagers to show themselves off. It’s not just for singers, it’s for people with all sorts of different talents. And it’s amazing to see the diverse talents that Irish teenagers have, and what they are prepared to do to be on TV. Uggs confessed that he nearly entered him and Gypsy, so that Pudsey dog that won Britain’s Got Talent has a lot to answer for. Gypsy does nothing but bark and run around like a hairy eejit and I don’t see how Uggs could ever harness that into an act. Embarrassingly, I had thought that I might try out too, but it was a pants idea‡ and I prefer not to think about it now EVER.
The heats for this year’s TFX were held before Christmas to ramp up the tension and excitement ahead of the competitive live shows. Ten Guitars got through. Now, with all the acts selected, there’ll be a series of three live shows with more and more contestants going home as it all progresses.
And I am now secretary to Ten Guitars! I think I might like to bump the title up to Executive Secretary, or Executive Personal Assistant, or some such, but I’m way too excited to decide on that now.
‘We’ll need our own Facebook page and all that,’ he says. ‘Think you could do that too?’
If I’m not careful, I may explode with delight or delirium. I try to calm my breathing down and seem all on top of things.
‘Where and when do I start?’ I ask.
‘Now, I guess. Up to you how you go about it all. We have a bag of mail waiting for us at the studio, so you can get that when we do our next live TV performance.’
I was longing to see the studio but didn’t dare hope I would so soon, as there are so many in the group and the numbers of relations and well-wishers going along to the Teen Factor X filming are rationed. Now, I’m ‘official’ … maybe even ‘Access All Areas’? EEEP! I hope I’ll get a laminate that says that?
My breathing is going wonky again so I’m glad when Dad shouts, ‘Dinner is served,’ and Dermot heads for the kitchen. I sit with my head between my legs till the faintness passes, then stroll nonchalantly to the next room to join the Quinns for whatever ‘à la Doug’ is on offer this evening. Even if it’s OK, I doubt I’ll swallow the barest mouthful.
I’M IN CHARGE OF THE TEN GUITARS’ FAN MAIL!!! I want to shout it from the rooftop for all to hear. Maybe ring a few bells while I’m at it. This is BIG NEWS – whoop!
‘Lasagne à la Doug,’ Dad announces and that’s more good news, because it’ll have been one that Mum made ages ago and froze.
I can’t get my thoughts to slow down and it seems to be influencing my table manners.
‘It’s lovely to see you eat so heartily, Jen,’ Dad says. ‘The smacking sounds are perhaps less necessary.’
Cripes. I haven’t paid much attention to the meal to be honest, what with the whirl in my head. It reminds me of the time I was waiting for the bus and listening to my iPod simultaneously and I let loose a gust of tummy wind and only afterwards realized the startled looks I got were because I’d made a big bum parp – I couldn’t hear it over Rihanna blasting in my ears.
I have proved that gusto and relish have a sound, though, and that can’t be too bad a thing, surely?
‘Sorry,’ I murmur. ‘It’s delish.’
‘A compliment to some mighty fine vittles,’ Dad says in his best cowboy voice.
‘How are rehearsals going?’ Mum asks Dermot.
‘Good,’ he answers. ‘Although it’s hard to get all ten people to agree on most things. We only did the tryouts for Teen Factor X as a joke, and now that we’re through to the live TV shows, we have to take it seriously. It’s a bit of a leap for some of the lads.’
‘As long as you’re enjoying it,’ Mum says.
‘Ah, yeah, we are,’ Dermot says. ‘So far.’
‘And as long as you’re all agreed to play the same thing at the same time,’ Dad says.
‘So far,’ Dermot says again. ‘It’s kind of mad, really. Oh, and Jen is on board now to run the fan club.’
My heart goes all funny-juddery and my face boils.
‘Well, to look after the correspondence,’ I say, trying to play down my excitement in case it makes me look childish – I am a teenager now and have to start getting a cool attitude going.
‘An auspicious start to the year,’ Dad says and gives me the ‘look that one up’ eyes.б
‘What’s suspicious?’ Mum asks. She’s only half-hearing everything at the moment. We all laugh. She smiles wanly, shrugs and says, ‘The baby ate my brain when he was inside.’
‘It’ll grow back,’ Dad tells her.
