In this chapter, I have accumulated a number of common questions from young people about sex. I will do my best to answer them.
My mom basically said that she would buy me birth control if I could handle myself. So why not do it?
Just because your parents allow you to do something does not mean that it's the right thing to do. They may be struggling with guilt from the past. They may not understand the purpose of the passion button and how great a sex life you can have if you stay pure and get married to your lifelong partner. Hopefully, you have seen through some of the stories in this book why not to do it. Look at all the heartbreak and catastrophe you avoid by not having sex and all the pleasure and ecstasy you experience by saving yourself for your future husband or wife.
How does sex correlate to our spiritual relationship with the Lord?
In 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, Paul says that the person who commits sexual immorality sins against his or her own body. He also talks about how the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. We only hurt ourselves when we emotionally bond to someone else outside of marriage. God hates sin because it not only breaks His heart but also destroys our lives. He does not want us to be destroyed. Committing sexual sin means breaking the moral code that God put inside us, which separates us from God and destroys our lives.
Will there be sex in heaven? If so, with who?
Jesus said that there will not be any marriage in heaven (see Matthew 22:30). The Bible doesn't say exactly if there will be sex in heaven, but I do know that heaven will be better than sex. God is so awesome and amazing, and we will be thrilled with whatever is there. He has been preparing it for us a long time, and it will blow our minds!
Why did the world turn sex into a nasty thing to do?
When people don't know the purpose for something, they use it the wrong way. If you did not know the purpose of a guitar and someone talked to you about playing baseball, you might be tempted to use the guitar as a baseball bat and destroy it. That is exactly what has happened with sex. People don't know the purpose of it, so they use it in all the wrong ways. As a result, we have this perversity in our society that seems to increase as the days go by. It's a bunch of blind people leading the blind, and none of them ever come close to the truth. Sex is a beautiful thing when done God's way in the context of marriage. Everything God made is good.
How do I keep my mind pure and not just my body? How do I know how far is too far?
Keeping your mind pure is a matter of making decisions to set your mind on things above. With all the sexual messages bombarding you through the Internet, cell phones, radios and everything else, you have to choose to look at the right things, watch the right things, and not watch the wrong things. How can those in the world tell you about sex when they did not invent it? Every time you watch something that has a lovemaking scene in it, it's giving you an idea of what Hollywood or the porn industry thinks love is all about. You need to be smarter than that. Look away. Walk away. Shut it off. Fast-forward. Do something so you are not standing at the edge of the cliff hoping you do not fall off. The goal is not to just avoid falling off the cliff but to actually walk away from the edge of the cliff.
Think about it like this: Your whole body is reserved as an amazing treasure for the person you will marry. All of your personal parts, including emotions and private parts, are supposed to be reserved for the one with whom you spend the rest of your life. Anyone who touches your private parts interferes with your future husband's or wife's privilege—a privilege that only he or she should have. Sex is precious, beautiful and amazing, but you can only experience it to its fullest if you make sure you only give it as a gift to the one you will marry.
Does sex hurt?
This is a common question in the back of people's mind (particularly girls). When you are engaged to be married, there are materials you can read and premarital counselors you can talk to who can help you make sure that your first sexual experience is blissful, peaceful, enjoyable and pretty much without pain. Those details are not necessary for you to know right now. If YOU wait and get godly advice from your mother, father and a premarital counselor, they will give you advice to make sure that your first time will be amazing.
Why is having sex such a bad thing? How does it affect me if I don't get pregnant or an STD?
Even if you don't get pregnant or contract an STD, there will always be emotional consequences. You think having sex will make you feel loved, but it will only end up making you feel used. If you have had sex outside marriage, you need to get whole again and healed in your heart. God can do that if you turn it over to Him. Remember that sex is not a bad thing when it's done God's way, but it will destroy you if it is not used the way God designed for it to be used.
Why do you have to have an emotional connection with everyone you sleep with? Can't you just do it with no strings attached?
Doing it with “no strings attached” is basically what dogs, cats, cows and other animals do. We, as humans, are not in the animal class but in the God class. We are made differently. As we mentioned earlier, we have a moral code that has been placed inside of us. God meant sex for humans to be way better than anything any animal could experience. Like it or not, whenever there is sexual involvement an emotional connection is made, even if it is between “friends with benefits.” The sacredness is stolen. That sacredness can only be restored by asking forgiveness from God and committing to reserve yourself for the person you marry.
Is it okay with God if you kiss before marriage?
In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul said all things are possible, but not all things are wise. In fact, there are many couples who decide not to kiss until they are married. The reason is because there is an implied covenant when you kiss. It takes a little bit of your purity and a little of your innocence. It's a level of affection given away that maybe should be reserved. In addition, all too often people start kissing, and then it leads to other things. Regardless, I don't think God necessarily has an opinion. It might be wise for you to consider your own “passion button” (see chapter 9). If kissing pushes your passion button, then don't do it. Don't go near the edge of the cliff and then try not to fall off. Stay as far away from it as you can.
How do you get free from sexual addictions?
You have to start new habits. You have to get some accountability. You have to stop looking at things you have been looking at. You have to get protection for your computer by putting on some Internet filters such as Net Nanny®, Safe Eyes®, CYBER-sitter® or PureSight®. Then you need to go deeper and figure out what your real need is. What is driving you to keep going back to the addiction? Are you using sex as a way to numb some hidden pain? If so, you may want to get help from a counselor or support group or pick up some resources that can help you work through the real issues without resorting to addictive behaviors.
If you are involved in a relationship where you feel you have to have sex all the time, the love and intimacy and emotional quotient you are longing for is not found there. Go to Jesus. He will meet all your needs.
Why is sex so addicting? Why is it such a struggle to overcome pornography or sleeping around?
Whether it's looking at pornography or having sex, each of us has an inner drive that motivates us to want sex. We like the feeling we get at the moment. The problem is, as you can see from all these stories, no matter how great the feeling is at the time, if we don't do it in the context of marriage, we end up with a massive sense of emptiness. It's almost like doing cocaine or another drug. We like it for the moment, but between hits we are miserable. We keep thinking that one more high will make up for all the misery we feel, but it certainly does not.