Taking on a reset is a challenging process. What should you bring to the office potluck? What can you order at your favorite breakfast spot? What kind of snacks should you smuggle onto the airplane? (Answer: all the meat sticks.) But it’s more than just your food choices that pose a challenge; you probably didn’t anticipate the extent to which your social interactions would change, too. You’re not just ordering sparkling water during happy hour—you’re fielding questions about why you’re not drinking, dealing with peer pressure to have “just one,” and wondering if your boss no longer considers you a team player.

Don’t underestimate the impact your reset and Food Freedom plan will have on your relationships. While you might assume that family and friends will support you unconditionally, only wanting the best for your health and happiness, that doesn’t always happen. A critical notion to keep in mind as you read the next three chapters:

Food isn’t just food.

In our relationships, food is love, acceptance, bonding, and comfort. It’s a shared indulgence, a way to let off steam, a guilty pleasure made less guilty by the participation of others. Food is sometimes the only way you can connect with certain people in your life. Food is emotional—far more emotional than exercise, meditation, or other activities you may take on to improve your health. With some people, food can be just as sensitive and polarizing a subject as politics or religion.

And you’re over here like, “I just asked the waiter to hold the bun?”

Changing the food you put on your plate can make others feel threatened, insulted, uncomfortable, or rejected. Some people will feel guilty just watching you make healthier choices for yourself, even if you do so quietly and without fanfare. And sometimes your efforts to reassure them or defend your choices only make the situation worse. You may be misunderstood. You may be teased. You may be excluded. You may be challenged, peer pressured, or guilt-tripped. This may take place over the course of one lunch, or every single time you find yourself around these people when food is involved. Their pushback can escalate, with jabs changing from passive-aggressive to just plain aggressive. The kitchen table may feel like a battle zone.

The worst part is that your “opponent” is your best friend, boss, or spouse.

If you’re caught off guard, these interactions can leave you feeling confused, angry, defensive, or rejected—so much so that you may be tempted to abandon your healthy-eating efforts just to keep the peace. The good news is that you don’t have to choose between food freedom and your relationships. There is a way to talk about your new, healthy habits in a way that brings you and the people you love closer together, not further apart.

It’s all in the messaging.

Phase 1: Have a Positive Interaction

The first opportunity you’ll have to speak to friends and family about your new Food Freedom plan is during your reset, which is both good and bad. It’s good because you’ll be able to get key “personnel” on board right away, securing their support for the remainder of your reset. It’s bad because the elimination is the most restrictive part of this entire process, and if you don’t explain it carefully, to the uninitiated, it may sound a little extreme. And by “a little extreme” I mean “crazytownbananapants.”

You will, however, approach this carefully.

Ideally, you’ll have these conversations ahead of time—before Day 1, when you become occupied with the details of the elimination phase itself. (Days 1–10 will be hard enough without having to explain your new “diet” to everyone and their mother.) To set the stage, find a relaxed time to chat with someone, or even a few people all at once. Don’t do it at the dinner table or in the kitchen; have the conversation away from food. You wouldn’t bring up a touchy sexy-time issue while in bed, would you? Same here: Food is the hot-button issue, and you want to have this conversation on neutral ground. Tell them you’d like to talk to them about a new health effort you’ll be starting soon, because you’d really like their support. This can be totally casual: “Hey, I’m going to start this new thing I’m pretty excited about, can I tell you about it?” From here, there are a few directions you could take.

Option 1, which I call the “Shock and Awe,” goes something like this: “Starting tomorrow, I’m not eating any grains, dairy, sugar, or junk food. Oh, and I’m not drinking anymore. Turns out, that stuff is really bad for you, and I’m all about eating healthy now.”

Yeah, don’t do that.

First, this person watched you eat pizza and drink beer just last night, so you’re going to come off as kind of wicked hypocritical. Second, this approach immediately puts people on the defensive, because there is a 99.97 percent chance they are consuming at least some of those things in their current diet, and you just took a not-so-subtle dig at their behaviors. Third, it just sounds snotty; no one wants to hang out with the person wearing a “HELLO I’m PREACHY McJUDGERSON” nametag. Seventeenth (this is a that bad of an approach), how many times have these people heard you declare, “I’m never drinking again,” “I’m really going to clean up my diet (after I crush this bag of kettle chips),” or “That’s it, I’m going back to the gym?” That’s right: a lot. Sweeping proclamations of a grand nature won’t be taken seriously, and are more likely to provoke eye-rolling than cries of support.

Option 2, in which you take a more matter-of-fact angle: “I’m starting a new diet I read about in Food Freedom Forever. For thirty days, I’m not allowed to eat any grains, dairy, sugar, junk food, or alcohol, and it’s really strict.”

Also do not do this. When it comes to your reset, those things are all technically true, but what impact does your language have here? “New diet,” “not allowed,” and “really strict” make it sound like you’re taking on the latest crazy fad diet, blindly following someone else’s rules, probably for weight loss. It sounds extreme, it sounds demanding, and to be honest, it sounds like every other diet you’ve ever gotten excited about in the past. Which means your friends will automatically interpret your words as, “Hey, for the next month, I’m going to be totally obsessive, hungry, cranky, and probably no fun at all.”

This is not what you’re going for, either.

Here’s how Option 3 might sound: “I’ve been struggling with cravings and energy lately, plus I haven’t been sleeping well, which is why I’m drinking All the Coffee. I found this lifestyle program that focuses on changing your habits and your relationship with food, and it makes so much sense to me. I’m going to see if I can use it to break my yo-yo diet cycle, get my cravings in check, and have better energy with less caffeine. I’ll be eating way more fruit and vegetables, replacing my nightly wine ritual with something that doesn’t mess up my sleep so much, and hopefully learning how to stop shoving chocolate in my mouth every time I’m stressed, because that makes me feel awful about myself.”

Now, that’s a good opener.

It focuses on the many healthy behaviors you will be adopting, and not a laundry list of “don’ts.” It emphasizes your long-term goals, all of which are centered on improving your well-being instead of weight loss. And it allows you to share your personal reasons for taking it on, in an open and authentic way that brings you and the other person closer together. In summary, this conversation gets them in your corner, instead of pitting you against each other.

When you have this conversation, try to make your food freedom motivation relatable. Let’s say you’re talking to a sedentary friend. She won’t understand why slower-than-usual workout recovery times or slogging through your 5K is a bummer for you, so pick something she can relate to. Share your issues with cravings, poor sleep, allergies, or joint pain—anything that you know she also struggles with, or something that she’s watched you battle in the past.

You also want to make your story as personal as is appropriate for your relationship with that person. I’m not suggesting you get into the gory details of your digestive issues with your boss, but don’t be afraid to share from the heart with people you’re close to. Maybe even let yourself be a little vulnerable. Saying, “I hear this program is good for cravings” isn’t anywhere near as powerful as saying, “I’m eating so much junk food, and I just can’t stop. It’s making me feel like crap about myself. This program tackles cravings head-on, and my self-esteem is ready for a change.”

Don’t You Agree?

You may be thinking, “But that’s not REALLY what I’m doing—there is a pretty serious elimination phase, and I can’t have pizza or beer, and I should just vomit out all the rules right this minute so they’re not surprised tomorrow.” Deep breath, baby, and slow your roll. Yes, there is more to share, but your sole goal right now is to have a positive initial interaction, so just start there. Open the conversation as described, then sit back and see how they respond. The beauty of this approach is that it’s unlikely to provoke a negative response. No one will say your cravings or energy struggles are fake. Nobody will think breaking the yo-yo diet cycle is a terrible idea. And who would look down on eating more vegetables? That means that all you’re going to get out of this conversation is a bunch of head nods, which brings to mind an old sales trick: Get them agreeing with you up front, so when you try to sell them the hard stuff, they’re already in the mind-set of saying yes. It’s a tiny bit sneaky, but it’s for a good cause.

This initial interaction might end here. Your conversation partners may just say, “That sounds great, let me know how it goes,” at which point you’re done. If they don’t ask for more information, don’t force it on them. Remember, food is highly emotional, and you’ve just shared some pretty personal stuff. There is a good chance that what you’ve said resonated with them. Maybe they’re revisiting their own struggles, or questioning their own choices. If that’s the case, they may not be ready to hear more about the plan. Or maybe they’re happy with (or addicted to) what they’re doing and thinking, “Lovely that you’re trying to drink less coffee, but I will kick your shin if you tell me to cut back.” Regardless, when it comes to food, let them come to you. If they want to know more about the plan, they’ll ask.

If your initial conversation does prompt follow-up questions, answer them, but stick to the plan: Keep it positive, avoid buzzwords (like “diet” or “cleanse”) that may have a negative connotation, and make it personal and relatable. They’ll likely ask for more information about the program, like what it’s called, how it works, or specifically what you’ll be eating. Here’s how your answers might sound, based on a variety of potential inquiries. (Fill in your own specifics related to your motivations and goals.)

Them: “Tell me more about this plan.”

You: “It’s from a book called Food Freedom Forever. The program helps you identify food sensitivities, change bad habits, and pinpoint emotional attachments to foods. It’s not about eating perfectly or never drinking wine again; it’s going to teach me how the foods I’ve been eating are affecting me and how to enjoy things like my mom’s chocolate-chip cookies with a sense of control and without guilt.”

Them: “So it’s a diet.”

You: “It’s not actually a diet, in the way most people think about diets. The goal isn’t weight loss; it’s a complete reboot of my health, habits, and relationship with food. There is no calorie counting or points, and there are no pills, powders, or shakes—I’ll just be eating real food, as much as my body needs. I’ve even committed to not stepping on the scale for the next month, so I can really focus on changing my habits and observing what happens to my energy, sleep, mood, digestion, and athletic performance. I need to break my scale addiction anyway, and I’m looking forward to getting back in touch with how good it feels to eat healthy without worrying about whether I’m losing weight.”

Them: “How does it work?”

You: “Part of the program is identifying foods that aren’t working well for me—things that may be promoting cravings, screwing up my metabolism, upsetting my digestion, or disrupting my immune system and creating symptoms. I’m using it to figure out what’s been making my skin break out and my belly bloat. There’s an elimination phase, where I leave out commonly problematic foods, and a reintroduction phase, where I bring them back in and see how they work for me. After that, I get to decide whether I want them in my everyday diet or not based on my experience.”

Them: “What’s your goal?”

You: “For the next month, I’m committing to eating nothing but healthy protein; tons of vegetables and fruit; and natural fats. I’m going to stick to it 100%, so when I reintroduce the foods I’ve been leaving out at the end of the month, I can really evaluate the difference—how I felt without them, and how I feel with them. This will be a great learning experience. When it’s over, I’ll know exactly how certain foods have been contributing to my cravings, allergies, even my shoulder pain, and I’ll have all the information necessary to create the perfect diet for me.”

Them: “What do you eat?”

You: “I’ll be eating nutritious foods with protein, healthy fats, and fiber, which will keep me satisfied and help me trust the ‘hungry’ and ‘full’ signals my body is sending me. I’ll be eating way more vegetables, too. Because I won’t be eating the stuff I usually pig out on when I’m anxious or lonely, I’ll have space to get in touch with my feelings and can learn to comfort myself in a healthy way. I’m using the program to help me gain control of food again, because the last few months of emotional eating and guilt have been really hard, and I haven’t been able to break the cycle on my own.”

All of these responses are designed to bring you and your conversation partners closer together, by sharing the positive aspects of the program and your personal reasons for taking it on. Notice one thing you’re NOT doing: Providing a laundry list of all of the foods you won’t be eating for the next 30 days. The tendency is to jump straight to the rules, but if you did that first, all you’d hear is how crazy or extreme it sounds—or your plan would be written off as just another weight-loss fad diet. Once your friends understand why you’re doing this and how important it is to you, the efforts you’ll be going through to achieve your health goals won’t sound so extreme.

Timing Is Everything

Don’t bring up how “strict” or “extreme” the reset phase is, how hard it will be, or how the first week or two are probably going to suck. Yes, that does fall under “sharing your authentic thoughts,” but now isn’t the time to be quite so authentic. Share the tough stuff after they agree that this is a worthy pursuit and have agreed to support you in your efforts; start talking about that now and you’ll only plant the idea that you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Now, imagine you’ve had these discussions exactly the way I’ve outlined them. Chances are, you’ve achieved your goal of a positive interaction, and your friends, family, or co-workers are nodding their heads right along with you. So far, so good. Then, they ask you about the rules: “So what, specifically, are you not eating?”

Before you blurt out your reset “no” list, pause.

There’s a trick I use when a member of the media asks me a question I don’t really want to answer, or approaches a topic I do want to talk about from a negative or biased angle: I simply answer the question I wanted them to ask, staying mostly on topic without falling into any potential traps and making sure I get my messaging across. You can channel this here.

First, lead with what you are eating, even if they asked what you’re leaving out. In the case of a Whole30 reset, you’d say, “I’m eating meat, seafood, and eggs; lots of vegetables and fruit; and healthy fats. Think pan-seared salmon and poached eggs drizzled in hollandaise with a side of fresh berries; warm chicken salad with roasted butternut squash, chopped pecans, diced apple, and a homemade balsamic dressing; and a bison burger topped with a fried egg, caramelized onions, and garlic aioli in a roasted eggplant ‘bun.’” (Give them straight-up food porn here, because literally zero persons will hear this list and think, “OMG that sounds AWFUL.”)

The Elevator Pitch

You’ll probably get questions about what you’re eating a LOT. If you waffle, stammer, or ramble on in your response, they’re likely to think you’re unclear about the plan, not particularly committed, or already expecting a negative response. It would be helpful to develop an “elevator pitch” here—a short, succinct summary of the plan designed to help you “sell” it to your conversation partner. A good template: “I’m eating X, Y, and Z for the next # days. It looks like ABC Sample Meal. I’m hoping to achieve goals 1, 2, and 3.” Keep it positive, keep it simple, and then practice. Refine it as you get feedback, or stick with what’s working. The more confident you sound in describing the plan, the more it will seem like you’re totally in charge and committed to the process.

Then, just wait. Let them react. This may be the end of that—or they may still follow up with, “So what’s on your no list, again?”

Now, you’re going to answer. The goal isn’t to ditch the question forever, just to set them up with a really positive outlook on what you’ll be doing first. By now you’ve had ten-plus minutes of positive conversation, setting you up perfectly to talk about the hard part—what you’re leaving out.

Use caution here, too. Keep it simple. Don’t be overly dramatic. Most important, don’t get defensive before they even comment.

“On the first part of the reset, I won’t be eating any grains, legumes, or dairy. I’m also avoiding added sugar, and I won’t be drinking for a month.”

Then, just wait. Let them react, because they may surprise you. After all this discussion, they might just say, “So it’s kind of like Paleo?” or “Well, that sounds tough, but it’s for a good cause.” Or maybe, if you’ve sold it well enough: “Interesting. I might want to try this too.”

If they start talking about how crazy it is, how restrictive it seems, or ask how anyone can even survive without the Grain food group (I’m sorry, what?), stay calm, acknowledge their fears, and counter gently.

You: “It sounds like a lot, but remember, it’s only 30 days. After the reset, I’ll bring those foods back into my diet to see how they impact me.”

“I’m just eating whole, real, nutritious food for a month. I’ll finally learn how to cook, too. I bet grandma would say this is the way she used to eat!”

“It did sound restrictive at first, but when I looked at all the delicious food I get to eat and know that I don’t have to count calories to succeed, it actually sounded pretty awesome.”

“No alcohol for a month, gah, I know, but I can’t wait to see how it impacts my sleep and cravings, and I bet I’ll work out more too. I’m up for the challenge.”

Keep this part short; now isn’t the time to get into a heated back-and-forth if they continue to badmouth the plan. If, despite your best efforts, you just can’t find common ground at this stage, call a time-out. Thank them for listening and sharing their thoughts. Tell them you’ll think about what they said, and would love to talk about it more later. Give everyone some time to cool off, because if their reaction is that extreme, there is probably something emotional at the root. Then, skip ahead to page 197 and read the “dealing with pushback” tactics before your next interactions.

If they still seem agreeable or you are able to overcome their objections after another conversation, it’s time to move you both into Phase 2.

Phase 2: Ask for Their Support

Phase 2 is all about marshalling some support during your reset.

What’s that? You think that just because they love you, their support is a done deal?

That’s so cute.

But not quite.

From their perspective, all you’ve done so far is share information. “Here’s what I’m doing, here’s what it will look like, here’s what I hope to accomplish.” Nowhere in there have you mentioned what you’ll need from them throughout the process—or that you even do need anything from them. So don’t be surprised if all they say here is, “Okay, cool, good luck,” and move right on.

General life lesson: People aren’t mind-readers.

If you need support, you’ll have to ask.

Social support, especially in-person help from those you spend the most time with, will be mission-critical to your food freedom success—a message echoed by nearly everyone who has ever done a Whole30. As Stephanie D. explained on her blog, “I felt nervous to tell people that I was doing the reset. I wasn’t confident that I had the willpower to see it through, and I was terrified that people would be watching, expecting me to fail or give up. But I’m so glad I decided to share my plan publicly. My family and friends have been really supportive. Friends messaged me to see how it was going, and I felt proud every time I was able to say I was staying on track. Announcing my participation actually kept me from being tempted to slip or cheat, because I knew people were rooting for me. I won’t say that I couldn’t have done it without them, but it would have been infinitely more difficult.”

In order to garner that type of response, you have to have the conversation. This could go a few ways.

Option 1 is a simple, “Will you support me?” On the plus side, you’ll probably get a yes, because no one wants to be the jerk who says, “No way, you’re on your own here.” But at this point, neither of you knows what “supporting” really means, so the request (and the affirmative response) are virtually meaningless. Will this person support you by bullying you into completing the reset at all costs, or by being sympathetic if you tell her you want to quit? Is the occasional high-five going to do the trick, or do you need some daily one-on-one time to talk about how you’re actually feeling? Are they supposed to ask you how it’s going, or will the constant check-ins be annoying?

You need to have a more in-depth conversation.

Option 2: In an attempt at camaraderie, you might try to recruit them as a major player in your reset. “I need you to hold me to this. Make sure I stick to it!” or “Promise you’ll make sure I finish this—I’ve failed at diets too often, and I don’t want to fail here, too.”

While your intentions are good, and they might love the blood-brothers-we’re-in-this-together-you-are-my-person vibe, this can only end badly.

You’re trying to get them on your team, but this approach puts them in a can’t-win position. Let’s illustrate with a story: You’re on this new diet, and you’re supposed to avoid all sweets. You tell your co-worker, “No candy for me. If you see my hand in the candy jar, slap it!” Your co-worker fist-bumps you in agreement—she’s got your back!

You stick to your guns for a while, but eventually, something happens (a tough day, a missed lunch, a late meeting, you’ve been so good . . . ), and you find yourself reaching for the communal jar of mini-Snickers. Your co-worker notices and cheerfully says, “Hey, you said no candy!” And what do you snap back with?

“Look, Pam, I am a grown-up person, and if I want to eat candy, I can eat candy. It’s been a long day and I’ve been really good and it’s just one freakin’ Snickers, and it’s MINI, so it’s FINE.”

Well, that’s awkward.

Putting someone else in this no-win position never goes well; either they’ll do their job and you’ll resent them for it, or you won’t let them do their job, and they’ll feel frustrated. This approach also makes you feel like you can relax on your resolve because you have someone else to keep you in line if you feel like slipping. Which isn’t real, because the only person who can do this for you is you.

Your Option 3 strategy (the good one) is three-fold: Remind them of your personal reasons for taking this on; ask them for what you need, specifically; and tell them how this will benefit your relationship, because everyone wants to know what’s in it for them. It could sound like this:

Talking to your teenage children: “I really want to stick with this plan because I’ll have more energy, and it will help me sleep better. I’d love to actually stay awake during our movie nights, and I know I’ve been cranky and tired after work most days. This plan means I’ll be cooking way more, and we won’t be ordering out for pizza as much, so please, no whining about that. I’ll also need you to move your cookies and chips to a different cabinet, because if I see them every day, it’ll be harder for me to resist. Will you help me out on this?”

Talking to your significant other: “My cravings are out of control, and it’s really hurting my self-confidence. I want to be able to enjoy dessert with you without beating myself up about it for hours—we’ll both enjoy Date Night so much more if I can do that. But my cravings might be intense, so please don’t offer me candy or wine, even if you’re joking. It may be hard to say no, and I really want to see this through. Can you work with me on that?”

Talking to your co-workers: “I’m dying with allergy season right now, and I’m pretty sure stuff I’m eating is making them worse. If I can figure that out, I’ll be more alert during the day, and I’ll be way more productive in the afternoon, which will make our whole team happy. I’ll still be at every Friday happy hour because I’ll definitely need to vent about this project we’re working on, but no peer pressure to drink, okay? I promise I’ll be just as fun, but I really need to eliminate alcohol to see how that’s impacting my symptoms. Cool?”

Talking to your best friends: “I’m dragging these days—my energy sucks, I’m not getting any stronger in the gym, and some days it’s hard to even get up to work out. I think this new nutrition program is going to help me sleep better, recover faster, and get stronger. It’ll be tough to pass on beer and pizza, but I have to commit 100% to this or I won’t be able to tell if it’s really working. Just leave my sparkling water and salad alone, and I won’t rub it in your face when I’m kicking your butts in the gym. Deal?”

Notice something all three scenarios have in common? The very last sentence, where you specifically ask them to buy in. You’re looking for another “yes” here—a commitment to either helping you through this or, at the very least, not messing with you during the process. You’ll want to tailor the conversation to your subjects, your goals, and the challenges you anticipate, but that final, “You in this with me?” will help you seal the deal.

Recognize, too, that you’ll want different forms of support from different people, and be strategic about how you “assign” support jobs. Ask your best friend for tough love, your mom for unconditional praise (“You’re doing great, keep it up!”), and your kitchen-whiz co-workers for recommendations when you’re struggling with meal boredom. Keep in mind the strengths and personalities of each member of your support team, and only ask for something you know they’ll be comfortable giving you. (Your new administrative assistant is likely not the right person to ask for tough love.)

Don’t Skip Out

Make sure everyone knows you won’t be backing out of family traditions, workplace events, or friendly get-togethers just because you’re eating a little differently. You’ll undermine these conversations entirely if you tell your kids, “Sorry, I can’t do movie night, Daddy’s not eating popcorn right now.” Explain that your relationships aren’t dependent on the food you put on your plate (or the drinks in your glass), then walk the talk by continuing to show up to book club, family night, or Sunday brunch with the girls. You promised that your healthy eating efforts would bring you closer together, so demonstrate how that’s true by preserving these rituals and bellying up to the bar with your co-workers (and ordering your sparkling water and lime with confidence).

Significant Others

Conversations with your significant other are important enough to warrant their own section, especially if you find the one person who means the most isn’t reacting to these conversations the way you hoped they would. Your husband, partner, girlfriend, etc., may be skeptical about your chances of success, negative about the whole idea, or annoyed that you’re shaking up your lives in such a dramatic fashion.

Success in this situation can be hard. This is the person with whom you spend the most time and rely on the most for support. You cook together and eat together. You stock the same pantry and refrigerator. You share rituals, traditions, and habits. Their disapproval, apathy, or resistance has serious potential to impact your commitment and motivation. Dealing with unsupportive significant others requires a careful strategy designed to get you back on the same team—or at the very least, keep you feeling strong enough to honor your commitment.

Assuming you’ve already had the initial conversations (what you’ll be doing, why you’re doing it, and what you hope to accomplish), the next step is setting expectations. It’s possible that a practical discussion about how your reset plans will affect your partner will be enough to relieve his or her concerns.

Have you said, “I don’t expect you to do it, too”?

That alone may be what’s holding your loved one back from being supportive. Your boyfriend is visualizing you dumping out all his beer; your wife is worried you’ll be proclaiming the living room a carb-free zone; your husband is wondering whether Steve’s wife is cool with him crashing on the couch in their reset-free living room. For, like, a month.

Have this conversation during a time when you’re both relaxed, and away from food. Go for a walk, sit down after work when you’re both winding down, or find 15 minutes while the kids are playing to have a conversation. Again, do not do this at the dinner table. (For sake of ease, I’m using “his” from now on, but these conversations work exactly the same with your girlfriend or wife.)

Explain that this effort is yours and yours alone, and you have zero expectations that your partner will do it with you. Promise not to harass him for anything he eats or drinks, reassure him you won’t be throwing out his food, and swear you won’t rub your amazing energy, glowing skin, and flatter stomach in his face. Much.

Maybe just say that last part to yourself.

Then, invite your S.O. to help you map out your food storage, grocery shopping, and mealtime strategy together. (This is especially important if you’re the primary shopper/meal planner/chef.) But before you barge in with all kinds of directives, ask him how he’d like to handle these things. “What could we do to make this a good experience for you, too? Let’s brainstorm together.” (The idea of “we” is important—you want to remind him that even though you’re embarking on this new food adventure solo, you’re still a team in all other areas.)

Maybe he’ll surprise you here. Maybe, hearing that you’re honoring his feelings and not getting defensive, he’ll offer to help with meal planning, eat the same dinner as you, or buy his own junk food. That would be cool.

Maybe he won’t do that, but he will push the plan back on you. “You’re the one who wanted to do this—you tell me.” Okaaaay. Take a deep breath, because you can work with this. In this case, you should have some ideas at the ready. Some things to address:

Regarding junk food and treats:

  • Where will his junk food go, so you’re not tripping over it every time you reach into the pantry?
  • Will you pick up treats for him when you grocery shop, or will he have to buy those himself?
  • Is it cool if he makes popcorn/drinks wine/orders pizza without warning, or will you ask him to give you a heads-up first?

Regarding meal time and cooking:

  • Does he want to be involved in meal planning, or are you solely in charge?
  • Will you cook two totally different meals every night so as not to inconvenience him at all? (Just kidding! This is not a viable option. You know that, right?)
  • Will you cook one compliant meal and that’s that—“You’ll eat what I make and you’ll like it”?
  • Is he welcome to prepare and add his own pasta/rice/bread as a side?
  • When you meal-prep for breakfast and lunch (batch-roasting veggies, grilling chicken breasts, making salad dressing, and hard-boiling eggs), are you making extra for him?
  • Does he understand that if he says no and then eats some of your hard-boiled eggs, there will be hell to pay?

You should think about all these things ahead of time and come to the virtual table with an idea of what you will and will not do. Work through these items one by one, compromising where you can and thanking him when and where he compromises, too. Bonus: This will show him you’ve really thought this through and aren’t impulsively jumping on some quick-fix bandwagon wholly unprepared.

Assuming you come to an agreement here, take his temperature again. “I hope that makes you feel better. Can I count on your support this month?” That may be the end of it—yay! If he still has some grumbles, though, it’s time to hear him out. Ask him what, specifically, he’s worried about. Don’t rebut, respond, or deny at this point. Just listen. Give him a minute to share his side of the story, and remember not to take any of his feedback personally. This is not about you; it has everything to do with him. Your job is simply to acknowledge his experience as valid, even if it’s not how you see it.

“I know that it sounds like a lot. It is a big change. I hear your concerns that it will be too stressful. I understand you’re worried about it messing up your plans. Thank you for sharing all of that. Your feelings are important to me.”

Deep Breath

It might be really tough to keep your cool here, especially if he comes out of the gate pretty aggressively anti-reset . . . but you have to. Make sure you’re in a good place and feeling generous before you initiate this conversation, because if you retreat into defensiveness, you have no hope of creating a plan that will actually work. He’s struggling with something here. This is hard. Find some compassion, take nothing personally, and be the bigger person for the greater good.

Once you acknowledge his feelings, then you can work through some of the questions or criticisms he may have, using the strategies I’m about to outline in chapter 12. Perhaps a more thorough explanation of the plan, your goals, and your expectations will help smooth over some of his concerns.

If none of this works, however—if you still can’t come up with a good plan together and he’s still having a hard time finding support for you—it’s time to fall back. “I’m sorry we can’t seem to find anything that works for you here; let’s just agree to disagree on the concept for now. I’ve committed to thirty days of this plan and I’m going to see it through, but I will do my best not to make any part of it difficult for you.”

Then, just chill.

This way of eating is likely very new to both of you, and unknowns in a relationship are always a little scary. Accept that this is just how it is, and adjust your support plan accordingly. If you continue to hound him (“Can’t you at least ask me how it’s going once in a while?”), you’ll create distance. If you resent him for not stepping up, you’ll create distance. If you tune him out entirely because you’re frustrated with his response, you’ll create distance. Don’t let that happen. Find compassion. Understand that everyone comes to these things in their own time, and in their own way. If you can’t expect anything but “No comment” from him in the beginning, so be it. Look to others for support, encouragement, and advice, and let him off the hook, because the last thing you want is food freedom at the expense of your relationship.

There is a good chance if you just let it roll, you’ll find your partner’s attitude much improved once you both get used to it and he sees how much happier and healthier it’s making you.

Care to Join Me?

Throughout these conversations, you may be secretly looking for more than just support—what you’d really like is a reset buddy. You might be angling for someone to take the program on because doing it together would be a great bonding experience. Maybe you’ve been watching a particular person struggle with his or her health, habits, or relationship with food and believe the program will help. Or, perhaps, because you know you stand a much better chance of actually seeing it through if your spouse/roommate/parents do it with you. (P.S. You’re right: All the studies show that most behavioral changes, from weight loss to quitting smoking, are easier when you have a partner in crime.)

It’s okay to be a little bit selfish in your intentions, but the other person has to be the one to bring it up. No, really, they do, for three reasons: One, their health is none of your business, no matter how much you love them. Two, the only person you can effectively be responsible for here is you. Three, can you even imagine how you’d recruit them? “Hey, I’m starting this new healthy-eating program, and boy, could you use some of that!” (Let me know how that works out.) Even if you come up with kinder way of extending an invitation, it could still be perceived as judgment or criticism, provoking defensiveness, anger, or hurt feelings.

Talking about food is tricky. Err on the side of caution and wait to see if they come to you.

If they do extend feelers about the program details or express interest in doing it too, respond positively, but keep it casual. No sudden moves; don’t startle the wildlife. Try something like:

You: “If you want, I can lend you my book so you can read more about it.”

“It would be fun to learn how to cook together—check out this amazing recipe I want to try.”

“If we can get through the Tough Mudder together, I’m pretty sure we could handle a month of black coffee.”

Then just wait. You really need them to come all the way to you; if they feel pushed in any way this early in the process, they may retreat.

Still Thinking

Psychologists who study the stages of behavioral change call this the “contemplative phase,” in which people weigh the pros and cons of changing their behavior. You may feel really excited as you watch your friend or partner enter this phase—“Yes, they’re actually going to do this with me!”—but temper your enthusiasm. People can remain in this contemplative stage for months or even years before actually taking action. Be patient, spend more of your time helping them gather information and less time convincing them to get on board, and let your results speak for themselves.

If they continue to pursue the idea, have some plans at the ready. Imagine all the support you’ll be able to offer each other through the process, then share your vision with them. Remember to emphasize all the ways this experience will bring you closer together, in addition to the many other benefits.

You: “We could plan on dinner at each other’s houses once a week and try out new recipes.”

“We can batch-cook together on Sunday nights while we catch up on Grey’s Anatomy.”

“We’ll be each other’s phone-a-friend; any time we have a craving, just text and we’ll talk each other down.”

You can also ask, “If we did this together, how could I help you through the process? What would you need to feel supported and be successful?”

Then just wait. If you get a reset buddy out of these conversations, awesome! But if they’re just not ready, back off. I know they just got you all excited and hopeful, but if they’re not ready, they’re not ready.

Change is hard.

Don’t get emotional. Don’t beg and plead. And for the love of Bieber, don’t drop the hammer in a last-ditch effort to get them on board. Spewing out, “You’re twenty pounds overweight, you need three cups of coffee just to wake up, and you’re addicted to sugar. Something has to change!” isn’t motivating; it’s just mean.

If the other person isn’t willing to address their less-than-healthy behavior, there is nothing you can do to make it happen. Plus, pushing them here will jeopardize any chance you had of getting them to support you in the first place. Thank them for their interest, acknowledge that talking about this isn’t easy, and tell them how grateful you are to have a friend like them. Then hug it out and move on.

Lead by Quiet Example

One last word on the subject of friends, family, and food: When trying to get someone to come around to your new healthy habits, rarely will preaching, guilt-tripping, or stunning displays of logic work. And by “rarely” I mean “not a snowball’s chance in hell.”

The only tactic that does stand a chance (but it’s a good chance) is leading by quiet example.

Translation: You do you.

Eat your food. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Feel and look amazing. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Be insanely proud of yourself. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If someone compliments you on your commitment, skin, or waistline, say, “Thanks, I feel great,” and then be quiet. Have more energy, better focus, a most positive outlook, and fewer aches and pains, but don’t rub it in. Lead by quiet example, and wait to see if they’ll come to you.

If they do, answer their questions, but as I’ve said, don’t press them too hard. Make it clear that you’re there if and when they’re ready, but you’re not going to force anything. Based on my Whole30 experience, resistant parties are far more likely to come around when they see your incredible results speaking for themselves.

Until then, however, they may still be kind of bratty about it.

I told you, food is hard.