They say laughter is the best medicine. Destroy the clowns!
—THE WARLORD’S PATH TO POWER: AN ANCIENT TOME OF DARIAN WISDOM
“Do we have to go on?” asked the leader of a team of jittery bear-back riders, cowering behind the curtain in the amphitheater. One set of performers after another had been subjected to heckling bandits throwing everything from rotten eggs to crowbars.
“Of course you do!” barked Stanislav Flimsham, whose stomach was doing more flips than his acrobats. “Do you want us all to be killed? Now get out there!”
Trembling, the bear-back riders took the stage. Even the bears looked nervous. Stanislav turned to his brother, Armando, who handled the circus paperwork.
“Why did you ever book us to play here?” Stanislav asked.
“They promised a really great buffet table backstage,” Armando answered. And he ran off before Stanislav could hit him.
Stanislav turned, cupped his hands to his mouth, and called out, “Clowns! You’re on next!”
When the bear riders left the stage a few minutes later, bruised and dizzied from being pelted with pebbles, they were followed only by an uncomfortable silence. A dead minute passed, and the bandits began growling and chopping into the railing with their axes.
Finally, Stanislav ran onstage.
“Fear not, fear not, my good, um, men,” he said. “For now you are about to be entertained as you have never been entertained before.” He raised his arms in the air. “Send in the clowns!”
Nothing.
“Send in the clowns!” he cried again. The ringmaster licked his lips nervously. “Prepare for a big surprise,” he added, his limp pompadour sagging onto the side of his head. “You never know what these clowns are going to do. Or apparently when they’re going to do it.”
Backstage, Briar peered at the secret pocket watch she’d hidden in the belt of her clown costume. The vault should be opening any minute, she thought, and she quietly stepped away from the others, heading toward the rear exit. She was reaching for the door that would lead her out into the rest of the castle when Rapunzel’s hand landed on her shoulder.
“You’re off to do something horrible, aren’t you?” Rapunzel said. “I hate making judgments about people without really knowing them, but I have to say, you do not give off good vibes.”
“You don’t understand,” Briar said impatiently. “The vault’s going to be open any minute now. I have to get down there.”
“No, you don’t,” Rapunzel said. “Frederic and Liam will take care of that.”
“What else am I supposed to do? Go out there and perform a clown act?” Briar scoffed.
“That’s exactly what you’re going to do,” bellowed a leopard-skin-wearing circus strongman who had come up to them along with Armando Flimsham. “You clowns think you’re better than the rest of us,” the strongman said. “But if we’ve got to go out there and survive this audience, so do you.”
Hands on their shoulders, he turned both women around and steered them back toward the stage.
Ella hunkered down into the sword-fighting stance Liam had taught her, but seeing as she was facing off against a thirty-foot snake, proper fencing posture wasn’t all that helpful. She swung at the snake, but the creature easily curled its body to avoid the blow and rammed her in the chest with its flat, scaly head. Ella tumbled backward. She lay flat as the snake rose up over her. The beast’s mouth opened, and Ella could see the venom dripping from its fangs. But the monstrous animal only let out a gurgle of shock as Gustav grabbed it by the throat.
He dragged the creature to the edge of the roof and tied it into a tight knot around an iron railing. The snake hissed and spat angrily.
“Ha!” Gustav crowed. “I beat you, stupid snake!” He raised his fists in victory and marched back and forth, howling like a troll. This was the first time Gustav had ever actually bested a monster in battle, and he couldn’t wait to rub it in his brothers’ faces. Even Rapunzel would look at him differently after this, he thought.
“Gustav made the big snake into a pretty bow,” Duncan called down the hole to Lila. “Let’s get you out of there, Liam’s sister!”
Lila had never been happier to hear anything in her life. But as soon as she felt Duncan pulling her upward, she yelled for him to stop.
“Wait!” she cried. “When I take my foot off the lever, it starts sliding back. I think the vault’s gonna close again the moment I leave this hole.”
Ella ran over. She looked at the stopwatch Liam had given her to keep track of time. Unfortunately, watches don’t respond well to being dunked in moats full of bladejaw eels—it had stopped working. “Well, I think it’s been about an hour,” she muttered. “Which means Little Taylor should be letting the guys out of the dungeon any second now. Hold on a few more minutes, Lila.”
Fig. 36
LILA, descending
Lila began gasping for breath, praying that those minutes would pass quickly. As she often said, she was great with heights. But as she had only recently discovered, she was not so great with depths.
The curtain parted and the four “clowns” were unceremoniously shoved onstage. Snow spun around under the candle-powered spotlights, taking in three hundred of the angriest faces she’d ever seen. She fell, dizzy, into Rapunzel’s arms.
Not that Rapunzel was feeling any more comfortable in front of such an audience. She’d never even seen a circus before. She had no idea what clowns did. Caper? Frolic? Engage in acts of whimsy? While she puzzled over what those terms might even mean, she noticed Briar and Ruffian whispering conspiratorially.
The crowd began to grumble.
“Snow,” Rapunzel said softly. “You’ve got to do something. Be a clown.”
So Snow tripped Briar, knocking her onto her backside.
“How dare you?” Briar snarled. But the audience laughed.
Briar stood up, and Snow knocked her back down again. Bigger laugh.
“Stop that,” Briar hissed. She grabbed Snow’s ankle and yanked her to the ground. Biggest laugh yet.
But Briar wasn’t amused. I can’t let these fools waste my time any longer, she thought. I came here on a mission of my own, and I’m going to see it through. She stood up and stomped over to the side of the stage. She tossed a basket of juggling balls, colored scarves, and other clowning toys to the others. “Here,” she snipped. “You want to put on a show? Put on a show.”
Then she marched offstage.
Snow rifled through the basket of toys and picked up a wicker hoop. “What do you think we do with this?” she asked Rapunzel.
But Rapunzel was too distracted by Briar’s sudden exit. “Good luck,” she said to Snow. And she darted offstage as well.
Snow stood there holding the hoop in her hand. She looked to Ruffian for a hint of what to do next, but the bounty hunter was standing statue-still, like he was on guard duty. So Snow tossed the hoop over his head.
She got a chuckle from the crowd. So seven more hoops quickly followed. As well as anything else Snow could find to throw at him.
Ruffian sighed.
“Finally, something enjoyable,” Rauber said as he kicked his feet up onto the railing in front of him.
“I am so glad you’re being . . . entertained,” Rundark remarked with obvious disgust.
“See the way the big, grumpy-looking clown just stands there while the little, energetic one keeps bouncing stuff off his face?” Rauber said, grinning. “It speaks to me.”
Lord Rundark crossed his arms. How pathetic, he thought, that some of the last breaths you take will be wasted on laughter.
From a few seats away, Vero saw Falco run into the amphitheater. The scout was headed straight for Lord Rundark, but Vero grabbed him first.
“What is it, Falco?” Vero asked.
Falco started swinging his arms and doing a goofy dance. Then he pointed out to the hallway.
“A circus monkey has escaped into the castle?”
Falco shook his head. He clamped his fist over his nose like a ball, made a triangle in the air over his head, and waddled back and forth.
“There is a big-nosed unicorn pretending to be a penguin?” Vero tried.
Falco shook his head again, gnashing his teeth in frustration.
“Why the Warlord insists on using a man who does not speak as his messenger, I will never know,” Vero said.
Falco pointed out at Snow and Ruffian, then back at the hallway.
“Clowns!” Vero said, proud of himself. “There is a clown out in the castle. Oh, yes, now that you mention it, some of the clowns appear to be missing. It is, as we say in my country, suspicious. Falco, go wait in the hall. I will inform the Warlord.”
Falco ran back out, but Vero went straight to Deeb Rauber. He whispered in the Bandit King’s ear. Rauber’s eyes widened. Something strange was going on outside. Had he been too cocky, too quick to dismiss the League of Princes and their assault on his castle? He leapt from his seat to follow Vero.
“You are leaving?” Rundark asked.
“I hate to blow the surprise, but I’m gonna be a special part of the final act,” Rauber said haughtily. “I gotta head backstage and get ready. Enjoy the show.”
“Oh, I will,” Rundark said.
Slinking through the halls of Rauber’s castle, Briar froze when she heard footsteps from around a corner. She ducked behind an ogre-size suit of armor and saw two bandits open a closet door and start pulling armfuls of clinking glass bottles from a crate inside.
“Think this is enough?” one bandit asked the other.
“It’ll have to be,” the second bandit responded. “I can’t carry any more’n this. We’ll come back for another batch if we need to.”
“I think that seems likely,” said the first. “We’re talking about taking down a giant.”
They’ve seen the giant? Briar thought. Better move fast.
As soon as the two bandits left, Briar rushed over to the closet. On the floor sat a wooden crate labeled SLEEPING POTIONS—PROPERTY OF Z.
Fig. 37
POTIONS
I don’t know who this Z is, Briar thought as she picked up one of the flasks of pinkish liquid and swished it around, but I thank him for this little gift.
Out by the front gate, archers on the Wall of Secrecy continued to rain arrows down on Maude and Mr. Troll. But now Rauber’s men also had to dodge the large chunks of rocks that Mr. Troll hurled at them.
“HWAH!” Mr. Troll grunted as he slung another heavy rock upward and knocked his fourth bandit from the wall. “Ha-ha! ’Nother one down.”
Maude, who was on her knees, hunched over to provide cover for the troll, grabbed another huge boulder and crushed it into dozens of smaller rock bits. “You sure I can’t just kick down the wall?” the giantess asked.
“Battle be over too fast,” Mr. Troll said. “Troll and Giant Lady can’t let Arrow Men go inside. Got to give friends enough time to get shiny sword. This very important part of—”
“Less talk, more rocks,” Maude interrupted.
“Oh, yeah,” Mr. Troll said, and chucked two more huge hunks of stone.
Maude grabbed another boulder to break up but suddenly stopped. “Hmm,” she said. “I’m not sure why, but I’m suddenly feeling tired.”
“What Giant Lady tired for?” Mr. Troll asked. “Troll doing most of the work.”
“Guess I’m just not as young as I used to be,” Maude said.
“Heh-heh,” Mr. Troll chuckled. “Nobody young as used to be. That scientifically impossible.”
Up on the wall, Jezek had been instructing the archers to dip their arrows in sleeping potion before launching them. The last twenty arrows to hit Maude had all been tainted. And more were hitting her by the second.
“Seriously, troll,” said Maude, struggling to her feet, her eyelids fluttering. “I think I’m going to . . .” With a thunderous thud, the giantess fell flat onto her back, and a massive dust cloud cloaked everything.
“How much longer?” Lila wailed from the bottom of the Snake Hole. The tight space was feeling tighter by the second, and she feared she was about to stop breathing altogether.
“I think another five minutes or so should be plenty of time,” Ella said. “Assuming everything has gone according to plan down in the dungeon.”
“Um, guys?” Duncan called.
“What is it, Duncan?” Ella asked.
“The snake is gone,” Duncan replied.
Ella and Gustav turned around to see that, indeed, the giant sand snake was no longer tied around the railing.
Gustav growled and stomped his feet.
“Did you see what happened?” Ella asked.
“Well, first it squiggled, and then it wriggled, and then, I believe, it jiggled—”
“Duncan!” Ella shouted.
“It turned back into the man with lots of drawings on his body,” Duncan said. “And then he ran to the other side of the dome.”
“Stay with Lila,” Ella said, drawing her sword. Then she and Gustav ran in the direction Duncan had pointed—where they found themselves face-to-face with Madu. And Vero. And Falco. And Deeb Rauber. And two other random bandits whose names, frankly, aren’t worth mentioning.