EVEN THOUGH IT’S A FEW YEARS BEHIND ME, I STILL REMEMBER MY forty-third birthday.
Forty-three doesn’t mark a new decade. It’s not one of those birthdays people usually celebrate in a grand way, and mine was no exception. No one threw me a lavish surprise party. I had a few small dinners with close friends and family. I opened two presents.
And yet that birthday stayed with me. I remember feeling so appreciated, respected, and loved. Because on this particular not-a-big-deal birthday, in addition to those two presents, I received some other gifts—gifts that cost nothing and that I have come to realize are, actually, a very big deal.
It got me thinking, What’s the point of gifts anyway?
On a basic level, we give gifts because we’re supposed to give. On certain occasions—birthdays, anniversaries, dinner parties, the end of the year—it’s customary. Underlying that custom is an important purpose: appreciation. We give people gifts to show them that we are grateful for them and value the role they play in our lives.
But here’s a common misconception: the bigger, more valuable the gift, the more it expresses our appreciation. I know people who’ve received huge stock grants who feel severely underappreciated. That’s because gifts don’t express appreciation; people do. And when people don’t express it, neither do their gifts.
The gifts I received that meant so much to me on my forty-third birthday? Eleanor asked a small group of my friends to write me a note of appreciation, “a thought or intention or poem,” she wrote to each friend, “that encourages him to accept himself just as he is.”
Just as he is. There is no more powerful way to acknowledge others than to be thankful for them just as they are.
And yet we almost never do this. Especially in a corporate setting where we often ask people to change and where we value them for what they can do for us and for the company. Think of our corporate end-of-the-year rituals: performance reviews, holiday parties, and sometimes, if we’re lucky, bonuses. Performance reviews are supposed to identify our strengths, and the best reviewers spend most of their time dwelling on strengths. But it’s not a review unless we also look at weaknesses, areas “to develop,” places where we fall short. In other words, immediately after we tell people how great they are, we tell them how they aren’t good enough.
Holiday parties usually include a speech by the CEO or other leader thanking people for their hard work over the year and encouraging them to continue working hard over the next year. It’s an important ritual, but it’s impersonal, given to the entire company or department at once. And it’s typically about what we’ve been able to accomplish, not about who we are. People don’t feel individually recognized.
And bonuses are a business deal, based not on appreciating us for who we are but on compensating us for what we achieved, often delivered with no ceremony and no clearly expressed appreciation. The huge stock grants that left people underappreciated? They were, literally, placed on people’s empty chairs overnight. No note. No conversation. Just a piece of paper on a chair.
I’m not suggesting these rituals aren’t important. People work together in organizations in order to accomplish things, so it makes sense that our organizational rituals appreciate people for accomplishing things and for increasing their ability to accomplish more things in the future.
But I’d like to suggest an additional way to appreciate the people around us. A way that costs nothing and feels great to everyone involved: in a handwritten note, tell them why you appreciate them. Not for what they do for you. Not for what they help you accomplish. Not even for what they accomplish themselves. Just for being who they are.
When I share this idea with people, I often get pushback. “If I appreciate people simply for being themselves,” I’m told, “then what’s their motivation to keep working hard? To keep growing?”
One executive I know won’t tell someone they’re doing well without also telling them he wants them to keep it up. It’s a subtle but destructive habit that creates mistrust. It’s like giving a gift to someone and then warning them that you might take it away if they no longer deserve it. When people feel that mistrust—or when they feel underappreciated—they work less hard. They vent about their dissatisfaction with others. They become less motivated.
That’s the crazy part—we’re giving the gift to show our appreciation, and if we don’t do it with the right appreciation, we end up making people feel underappreciated. The people whose stock grants were simply left on their chairs didn’t feel thankful; they felt angry and resentful.
It’s counterintuitive, but the more someone feels appreciated without pressure to perform, the better they’ll perform. Their motivation will come from an internal drive rather than an extrinsic force. It’s a simple formula: if you want people to feel appreciated, appreciate them with no demands.
If you’re skeptical about this approach—maybe you think it’s too touchy-feely, too sappy—just think about what it would feel like to receive unadulterated, unmitigated appreciation in a note from the people around you.
So be generous with your gifts of appreciation, even with people about whom you feel conflicted. Perhaps you don’t like everything about them. Maybe you don’t always appreciate who they are. That’s okay. This isn’t a performance review. You don’t have to address everything about each person. This is a gift. There’s no reason to hoard your appreciation; it’s unlimited in supply. Just think about what you do appreciate about people and describe that part. Let them know what about them makes you smile, what you admire, and what makes them special to you.
Then hand them your notes and thank them, individually, for working with you. Or, if you’re feeling bashful, just leave the notes on their chairs overnight; there’s no risk they’ll open them and feel under-appreciated.
I know, for me, it made my otherwise insignificant, mid-decade birthday the most significant one yet.
Our attempts to motivate other people with gifts and rewards can actually demotivate them when these express how we value them for what they can do for us and for the company. Instead, acknowledge people by expressing what you appreciate about who they are. The more someone feels appreciated without pressure to perform, the better they’ll perform.