WHAT TO EXPECT AFTER DISCLOSURE
As Kayla’s journey to Boston continued, she experienced firsthand the immediate fallout of her disclosure—repercussions all too common for children who are sexually abused:
“Wow . . . How fast were you going, Brian?”
Mom gives him a stern look, and I step over her and get out of the truck. The weight I’ve put on since after Senior Nationals is starting to take a toll on my body. Depression has always made me an emotional eater.
But this time the depression stretches bigger than my stomach. I walk slowly toward the bathroom. A slight sweat breaks out on my skin. The people pumping gas are staring.
Is it that obvious that I’ve lost my mind? Can you tell when a person has gone mad with grief? With guilt? I pick up the pace and put my head down.
After Brian finishes pumping gas, Mom jumps in the driver’s seat and Brian helps me back in the truck. He lifts me so gently, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll break. I don’t blame him. Being around me causes everyone to walk on eggshells.
I doze off again as the rain continues to pour, and this time I have a dream. I feel my body sweating, I’m trying to scream, but it won’t come out. I’m frozen where I stand. Brian is shaking me awake, and just like that, before the nightmare has even begun, it’s over. He’s saved me again.
I stare out the window for the remainder of the drive. Brian and Mom don’t bother to try to get me to talk. I think they gave up on that about 2 hours ago. Brian periodically rubs my feet. And Mom rubs my hand between hers. I sneak a glance at her and I see the tears welling in her eyes. It doesn’t even register in my mind. Nothing does anymore.
When we arrive, Mom and Brian unpack. I help a little. And just like that I’m on my way back to the mat for the first time in over a month . . .
If you’re the parent of a child who has been sexually abused, disclosure (or discovery) feels like not just a tipping point but also a turning point. Once the abuse is brought out in the open, your son or daughter’s victimization can now end and the perpetrator can be punished. Your child’s safety, which you may have worried about for a long time, seems ensured.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The physical harm may have ended, but the psychological damage, discussed fully in Chapter 5, can plague a child well into adulthood. What is surprising to most people, however, is that victims can be, paradoxically, at their most vulnerable in some ways during the period immediately following disclosure or discovery. Anticipating this vulnerability is essential. In their understandable eagerness to stop the child abuser and prevent further harm to their child and to other children, parents and other adults often rush into decisions that can be damaging to the child they’re trying to protect. Additionally, parents themselves often don’t understand the legalities and protections that accompany a sexual abuse disclosure and so can be caught flat-footed when it comes to helping their child know what to anticipate next. Armed with knowledge, a parent can help guide him or her through the aftermath of this discovery.
When a child has disclosed being sexually assaulted (or it has been revealed otherwise), the child’s retaining a sense of control over what happens next is paramount. A child who has been subjected to abuse has had to devise ways to manage powerful emotions like guilt and shame, as well as ways to deal with the cognitive dissonance of being harmed by someone who is supposed to be trustworthy—an authoritative or even loving adult. When the abuse is brought into the light of day, a chain of legal and other events is set in motion that disarms those protective defenses and wrests control from the child. That is, unless parents and other adults charged with the child’s protection stop and think, carefully considering how to proceed before taking hasty actions.
That is the central message of this chapter: If you have just learned that your daughter or son has been a victim of child sexual abuse, resist the urge to rush into action. Read about the legal and related ramifications of disclosure in the pages that follow and carefully consider how to preserve your child’s sense of control over what happens next. Also read Chapters 5 and 6 to become aware of how to address the lasting emotional effects of sexual abuse.
Children need to know what their choices are (if any) and need time to process what’s happening. Kayla says it best:
Looking back, there is so much I wish had been done differently in my case. I wish I didn’t have to tell my story over and over again to different people. The prosecutor, the local police, the FBI, the victim witness advocate, etc. I wish I had been able to speak to them without my mother in the room. To have to talk about some of the most shameful aspects of my relationship with Daniel with my mother in the room sobbing was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It was traumatizing to both of us in so many ways.
I wish that the process had been a little bit slower. I know it took over a year and during that time there were many false starts and moments of doubt, and I know my mother wishes it had been faster, but I was very, very, very confused. And the only outlet I felt safe with was judo. Because my mother pushed so much and wanted justice so swiftly, it pushed us apart and pushed me further and further away from her. I wish family counseling had been offered. I wish that we had been able to deal with it together instead of us being on two different pages.
Most of all I wish the adults and people in charge had stopped even briefly for a second to realize they were dealing with a very emotionally and mentally scarred child. I was confused, angry, and isolated much more because of the process.
In this diary entry, the distress Kayla was feeling at the time is palpable as she cooperates with law enforcement in getting a recorded admission of Daniel’s victimization of her:
May 5, 2007 (age 16)
I talked to him last night and we got it all on tape. I talked to him for over an hour. And I lied and I lied, and I feel like shit now because of it. I mean he believed everything I said. And he told me he loved me and he missed me. And what was I supposed to do? I fell right back into my old ways. I told him I missed him and I loved him and it went right back to how it was and God it was just like old times. And the thing that kills me most is that I still think I really do love him and need him. And I don’t know what to do. I mean he admitted to everything, and I cried so much I wanted to scream STOP they’re recording you, but the words never escaped my mouth. And I told him I’d call him back today, and part of me meant it. I want to talk to him so bad. I want—no, I need—to hear that he’s okay and that everything will be all right. I need him and I feel so out of control, and no one will listen.
Throughout this chapter and in Chapter 5, we offer advice for making the immediate aftermath of a disclosure easier on victims. For parents and other caregivers, it’s essential to understand that the disclosure or discovery process itself can be traumatic for a child who has been abused, despite the relief that everyone naturally feels that the abuse has ended. If you did everything you could to reassure your child that she would have your support and protection, as advised in Chapter 3, and it was only after receiving these reassurances that your child disclosed being victimized, you have some sense of the internal struggles she has been undergoing while keeping the secret. To help your child start to make a lasting emotional recovery, you need to continue to offer the same types of support:
In the box below, Kayla offers her own wisdom about what kinds of help she would have liked to receive from the justice system.
KAYLA’S SUGGESTIONS FOR MAKING THE JUSTICE-SEEKING PROCESS EASIER ON KIDS
In keeping with Kayla’s advice about how to improve the judicial process (see the box above), it’s encouraging to see that progress is being made. Massachusetts, where we work, now uses a Sexual Assault Intervention Network (S.A.I.N.) interview as part of a multidisciplinary approach to child abuse that allows all the agencies involved to coordinate their efforts, investigate simultaneously, and conduct a single interview. These agencies include the district attorney’s office, the Department of Children and Families, and law enforcement.
With the revelation of sexual abuse, the child loses the anonymity she has relied on to manage some of the powerful emotions, particularly guilt and shame, which typically increase as the abuse continues. With disclosure, children can feel distressingly exposed, with their feelings of guilt and shame continuing to escalate and persisting long after the abuse has ended. (You’ll find help with handling these distressing symptoms in Chapter 5 and information on how different types of therapy address them in Chapter 6.) As Kayla described at the beginning of this chapter, she felt that even strangers at the gas station on the way to Boston somehow knew of her abuse by Daniel. Anonymity, ironically, also allows victims to continue to “enjoy” the benefits of the relationship with an individual who commonly holds a great deal of power in their lives and whom they have tried to see as appropriate, rather than abusive, in his attentions. Unless parents assure them that those benefits will be provided in other ways, this loss can feel like a blow too. Disclosure can feel like a form of freedom that comes with its own chains.
In the aftermath of disclosure children fear this loss of anonymity and often try to petition the person to whom they’ve disclosed not to let anyone else know about their revelation. As noted in Chapter 3, sometimes children attempt tentative disclosures to try to elicit what will happen if they break the silence, such as asking indirectly about what would happen to their anonymity and their confidences “if someone my age tells someone that they are being abused.” Knowing the answers to such questions can prepare you to help an abused child and minimize her distress during the postdisclosure process. That’s why a big part of this chapter is devoted to explaining the legal and other ramifications of disclosure. But you also need to be aware that the mere event of disclosure (or discovery) changes the landscape for a child who has been keeping this secret for so long, and it changes the child’s internal landscape too. Even before any legalities enter the picture, you may see signs of increasing distress, especially shame and guilt, as the child faces the possibility that, now that one person knows about what has been happening to her, many others may end up knowing too. Suddenly the one area over which she had control—keeping the secret—has been lost to her. She may ask for repeated reassurances that the story will go no further or show what might seem like bizarre concern for the welfare of her abuser. These expressions of distress flow mainly from the shame and guilt that these children feel about having “allowed” themselves to be abused. Parents and other caring adults need to express support and compassion, but also tell the truth about who will likely end up knowing something about the child’s story. We can’t emphasize enough how important maintaining a sense of control is to a child who is emerging from the nightmare of abuse.
When talking to an abused child after disclosure,
| Instead of saying . . . | Say . . . |
| “I won’t tell anyone.” | “I’m not sure yet who else will need to know what happened to you, but my only concern is your safety and well-being, and I will check into the mandated reporting requirements and let you know who I do need to notify about this.” |
| “I am sure the police won’t have to know.” | “I will check with child protective services if we need to report to them and ask about whether the police will have to be notified.” |
| “The police know what’s best, so just give them the information that they ask you about.” | “I understand how private this has been and that you are unsure about what you want to see happen to X; I will try to make sure that you’re not pressured into anything and understand all of your options.” |
| “I can’t believe you’d care what happens to X [the abuser], now that we know he has hurt other people!” | “I don’t know what will happen to X, and it may not be entirely in our control, but try to hang onto the truth that you are not responsible for any harm that comes to him.” |
| “This is really hard for me too; I really need to talk to my friends/my family, etc.” | “I understand that your privacy around this is most important, and I also could use someone to talk to. Is there anyone else that you feel comfortable with my sharing this with? If not, I will find a therapist who specializes in this to talk to.” |
Children subjected to sexual abuse understandably do not want their identity and abuse disclosed to people beyond their initial confidants until they are ready for wider disclosure, and depending on who this initial confidant is, they may have more or less time to accommodate to whatever loss of privacy is inevitable. Often children believe they are telling someone about their abuse in confidence, only to feel shocked and betrayed when the person they disclose to turns out to have an obligation, either mandated (as with licensed professionals like therapists and teachers) or based on personal beliefs about what the child needs, to report the abuse to others.
For a majority of child victims, disclosing is a confusing process, and they need the chance to understand what will happen step by step, including all of their options, up to and including what might or might not happen to the alleged perpetrator if they do or don’t pursue criminal charges. Having the chance to talk through all of the emotional and practical consequences of the options available to them is critical to their ongoing recovery, and a knowledgeable professional can be very helpful here. In some cases the youth will be provided with a victim witness advocate by the office of the district attorney who is prosecuting the case, but having him or her see a mental health professional for ongoing therapy can often ease the long-term aftereffects of abuse, as described in Chapter 6. Again, we strongly recommend reading through everything in Chapters 4–6 if you’re concerned about a youth who may be reaching the tipping point or has just disclosed sexual abuse, because the material in all three chapters is relevant simultaneously.
WHAT PARENTS AND CAREGIVERS NEED TO KNOW
To be most helpful in the immediate aftermath of a disclosure, parents, and really all adults, must be well informed about the range of accepted formal and informal responses to the revelation of abuse and how to keep this process as supportive and compassionate as possible for the child. Part of this necessary education includes understanding issues such as age of consent, mandated reporting requirements, and what to expect from child welfare and law enforcement agencies. Professionals and paraprofessionals who work with children now have this information at hand for the state they practice in as part of their required training. Parents and caregivers, however, often find themselves completely in the dark when they are thrust into a situation in which they need to help a child know his options, while maintaining as much of a sense of dignity and control as possible throughout the process.
Since this book does not claim to give legal advice and the laws pertaining to child sexual abuse vary from state to state, this chapter presents an overview of general principles, with a focus on how the application of these laws can affect your child’s psychological health after disclosure. (More specific information is provided in the Resources section at the back of this book.)
Understanding how the entire process works in your locality may take some time. You may have to ask the authorities lots of questions, do your own research, and be firm about your desire to protect your child’s welfare above all else. Until you feel you know (almost) exactly what will happen, remain honest with your child that you are not sure of the whole process but that you’re going to take things slowly and do your best to shield her from unanticipated events that she finds distressing. At the same time, take every opportunity to state to authorities that your child’s well-being is your number-one priority. Never hesitate to ask individual authorities how they plan to protect your child’s welfare while following the law. Everyone wants justice to be served in the face of the heinous act of child sexual abuse, but no child should suffer further to achieve that goal.
Age of Consent Repercussions
Many people are not aware that every state in America, along with most countries around the world, has a formal age of consent that defines the age at which a child is considered legally competent to engage in a sexual relationship with someone above that age. The distinctive characteristic of the age of consent laws in most jurisdictions is that persons below the minimum age of consent are considered the victims, and the older persons with whom they have sex are considered perpetrators. In other words, what we’re calling child sexual abuse can legally be a crime committed by, say, an 18-year-old having sex with a 17-year-old. That the older teen may be considered a perpetrator in the eyes of the law can be very difficult for parents to accept and is very important for teenagers to understand. In the individual states, the age of consent is somewhere between 16 and 18, but other factors may also be relevant. For example, the age of consent may differ within a state for the purposes of civil versus criminal law, and the age of consent may vary if the older person is in a position of authority. More details are given later in this chapter. Knowing these facts for your specific state and talking with your teen about them can go a long way toward helping to keep children of all ages from being harmed, and in some cases from harming one another.
In Kayla’s case, there was no doubt that she had not reached the age of consent when sexual contact with Daniel began or for most of the time it continued (generally speaking, the age of consent in Ohio, where she lived, is 16, although, as we’ll see, the fact that the abuse occurred outside of Ohio as well had further legal repercussions). In other cases the line seems blurrier, since Make sure your children are familiar with the age of consent in your state so they know there can be serious legal repercussions for having any sexual contact with someone under that age. young teenagers are often sexually active, but the law sees it clearly, and charges of statutory rape can be brought when, for example, a 14-year-old high school freshman consents to sexual contact with a 17-year-old junior or senior. That does not mean that charges will always be brought; the local authorities have some discretion here. But it does mean that it’s possible. Here again, for parents who may have children of various ages, it is essential to educate every teen to know the age when he becomes an adult in the eyes of the law so that he appreciates the potential repercussions of having any form of sexual relations with someone below that age.
Mandated Reporting Rules
Every state in the United States, as well as many countries around the world, has developed a system of child welfare laws and sanctions geared toward protecting children under a specific age from neglect and abuse of various kinds by an adult; this includes sexual abuse. In Massachusetts, for example, the age of consent is 16. This means that in Massachusetts—as in every other state—Kayla’s being touched inappropriately at age 12 by an adult who at that time was 24 constituted abuse. An adult who learns of such abuse needs to know what the reporting obligations are for notifying the local child welfare authorities.
Most mandated reporting requirements established by state law apply to those acting in a professional capacity with regard to the abused child. This means that a doctor, teacher, therapist, and any other adult who operates in a supervisory role with children must report suspected or confirmed child abuse to the local authorities. For a minor child, the agency involved is child protective services, which usually has a toll-free hotline available for reporting. If abuse is Most of the individuals mandated by law to report child abuse are professionals involved in their care, from doctors to teachers, therapists, and others. reported directly to the police, the police department will notify the child welfare agency if the child is under 18. If the child is older than 18 at the time of the report, the report will go directly to the police rather than being screened for child welfare involvement (as occurs for all abuse and neglect reports by a child under age 18). In this case the focus will be on the criminal aspect of the case and child welfare will not get involved—unless there are other minor children in the home or the suspected person is in a job like teacher or coach, supervising minor children. It does not necessarily mean that a child’s friend (Brian) or a parent (Kayla’s mother) is required to report the abuse (although they may be, depending on the age of the friend and also the state where the abuse occurs).
THE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AND TREATMENT ACT
The key federal legislation addressing child abuse and neglect in the United States is the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA), originally enacted in 1974 (www.childwelfare.gov). CAPTA is the act that originally established the national Office of Child Abuse and Neglect, which sets forth a minimum definition of child abuse and neglect; however, specific child protection laws are established and governed by state statutes and regulations.
The mandated reporting obligation for child abuse and neglect, like the age of consent, is defined by each of the 50 states. These state-mandated reporting laws indicate whether you are required by law to report a disclosure of child abuse to others and, if so, specifically to whom. Knowing the reporting requirements ahead of time will help you provide accurate information to any child who is considering disclosure and help the child reveal her secret.
These individuals typically have a designated reporting obligation:
Some states, however, require anyone who suspects a child is being abused to report it. If you reside in one of those states, you would be required, for example, to report on a neighbor that you suspect of abuse or face potential criminal penalties yourself. As of 2017, these states are Delaware, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, In 18 states every citizen is mandated to report child abuse. Kentucky, Maryland, Mississippi, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, and Wyoming, along with Puerto Rico. This list could be longer by the time you read this book. Critical information about your own state’s rules is available from www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/manda.pdf. Current statute information for a particular state is available from www.childwelfare.gov/topics/systemwide/laws-policies/state.
While mandatory reporting is just that, mandatory, the adult’s job is not made easier by compelling a child or teen to reveal more specifics about the abuse than he or she is ready to; rather it’s important that the adult and child work collaboratively and carefully to consider the child’s fears and together consider the benefits to the child of fully disclosing. The reporting obligation does not extend to friends if they are not yet adults themselves and may not apply to members of the clergy; but again, depending on what state you live in, family, older peers, and clergy may all have a mandated reporting responsibility. A clergy member’s obligation to report depends, for example, on the person’s specific role with regard to the child or teen, and even the exception for spiritual counseling has recently changed in many states, making it essential to let your child or a youth you are talking with know exactly who is mandated to report abuse and how it should be handled according to the current law in your state. Only in this way can both you and your child be prepared to jointly negotiate the precarious period of time following child abuse revelations.
In our clinical practices a majority of youngsters want to know, as the first step in considering disclosure, what we will do with the information they provide. If your child asks you a leading question like “What would happen if one of my friends told someone that she was being hurt?” you have an opportunity—if you’ve informed yourself of the mandated reporting laws in your state—to tell her whether she could disclose to a parent anonymously and what the reporting consequences would be of talking to someone like a teacher. Many older adolescents in particular are looking to get help in ending an abusive situation without identifying their perpetrator, which is sometimes possible, as in instances when the abuse is happening elsewhere (in another state) or a now-older child wants to discuss ways of removing himself entirely from a home situation where he was abused in the more distant past. Remember as well that the mandated reporting responsibility applies to individuals under 18 years of age.
Again, an opening to talk about reporting is an even more important opportunity to assure your child that you will be there to protect her and, above all, that you will help her stay informed and in as much control over the process of disclosure as possible. We delve into this subject in more depth in Chapter 5, but the point now is that control is paramount to children who have been sexually abused, and anything you can do from the start to show that you will respect the child’s feelings, within the law, will support the process of disclosure and ensuing recovery.
What Happens after Child Sexual Abuse Is Reported?
Once child protective services receives a mandated report of child sexual abuse, the agency will take the following steps:
In Kayla’s case, the lack of knowledge about Ohio’s child protection statutes and related criminal law led to Kayla’s immediately facing unexpected repercussions from family and outside agencies:
When I talked to Brian, it was nowhere in my mind how he would react or who he would tell. Before I could think straight he was insisting that I call my mother, who was on a plane flying home, and all I remember is leaving her a message on her voice mail, although the terror I was gripped with overran any real sense of the words I was saying, except to know that these words were certain to seal my own fate along with Daniel’s.
Neither can I now remember when and how I found out that my mother had, upon hearing my revelation on her phone, taken a bat and smashed up not only Daniel’s car but also some of the windows of his house. She also called the police, although, again, I cannot say when I found this out or how much time passed before Brian and I arrived home.
Many people believe it is in the child’s best interest to report abuse, if for no other reason than to make sure the perpetrator is punished and does not victimize another child. In this regard Kayla’s experience is a cautionary tale, not against reporting Daniel’s crimes but against doing so before a child has the opportunity to anticipate what might happen and what her options are. It’s important to know your state’s mandated reporting laws because if those laws do not mandate reporting abuse that is revealed to you, then you have the option of taking time to think—and to help your child process what might happen. You may want to wait even if your every instinct tells you to rush to the authorities and ensure that justice is done. In fact, even when reporting is mandated, if you understand the legal process we’ve described, you can explain it to your child so she has time to feel some measure of control.
In Kayla’s case the time to process her ordeal was lost as she was taken almost immediately to the local police station after her mother had already lodged a complaint against Daniel for sexual assault. To this day the memory is accompanied by confusion and feelings of heightened distress:
Nor can I tell you exactly when I went to the police station or who was there when I first went in to be questioned. I do remember vividly, however, that they asked me to make out a list of the “sexual encounters” I had had with Daniel.
I remember it being the worst day of my life, and that the process lasted several exhausting hours, and that I hated every single person in that room for making me write down my guilt and my secrets for them to pass around and share.
I was angry, exhausted, scared, alone, and very very confused as to whose fault all of this was. I wasn’t angry with Daniel. I was angry with the police, I was angry at my mother, I was angry at everyone for making me do this.
And I have kept a copy of that horrible, handwritten list of offenses written on lined notebook paper with my 16-year-old scribbles in the margins. A list that to others confirmed that Daniel was a child molester and made me feel like a horrible and guilty person, a person who was betraying her best friend.
What About the Police and Criminal Charges?
Even when a parent chooses not to go directly to the police as Kayla’s mother did, if the parent or another adult has informed a local child protective services agency or a hotline about the abuse, and the report is eventually supported, the local child abuse and neglect office will report the abuse to the legal authorities. Children who are sexually abused and their families are often unaware that child welfare agencies that receive a report of disclosed or suspected abuse frequently have their own obligation to inform law enforcement that abuse or neglect rising to the level of a crime has likely been committed against a minor child.
What is considered criminal, as explained earlier, varies by state. Not only is it determined at first by the age of consent, but also by factors such as the type of sexual act, the gender of the participants, and other restrictions defined as abuses of a position of trust. For most purposes a position of trust includes parents, anyone acting in the place of parents and charged with the parent’s rights and duties, or anyone charged with the health, education, and welfare of and supervision of a child. Crimes against children committed by someone in a position of trust are taken more seriously. The significance of the concept of position of trust is that, even if a child is older than the state’s age of consent, if she is a minor (under age 18), she can still be considered virtually powerless to consent to sexual contact with someone who has some form of authority over her (a teacher or clergy member, for example), and the person in a position of trust can therefore be charged with criminal sexual abuse of a child. Some jurisdictions include exceptions for minors engaged in sexual acts with each other, rather than using a single age. Also, the specific legal charges resulting from a violation of these child protection laws can range from a misdemeanor, such as corruption of a minor, to what is more commonly known as statutory rape, which is considered equivalent to rape, in both severity and sentencing.
What is considered criminal varies by state, but can depend in part on whether the alleged abuser occupied a position of trust—was charged with the health, education, welfare, and supervision of the child—at the time of the abuse.
Only by knowing the range of potential outcomes following the discovery of sexual abuse is it possible to guide a child effectively through this process, helping him to understand the limits of his rights and privileges. Would your child feel differently about pressing charges if the charge were a misdemeanor versus a felony that came with a potentially long sentence—as it did for Daniel? Would your 17-year-old feel like a contributor to her sexual abuse because she no longer considers herself a child? The laws (and the best interests of the child) might not allow the affected youth or parents to make many choices about the legal ramifications of a disclosure, but considering these issues can help everyone anticipate the emotional impact on the youth and exert every possible effort to afford her some sense of control and to protect her well-being. These issues are addressed in Chapter 5.
The Importance of the Wishes of the Victim and Family
In reality, enforcement practices involving age-of-consent laws vary widely depending on many factors, the most important of which should be, and often is, the wishes of the victim and their family. To put it simply, when police and prosecutors have discretion over what charge they can choose to bring in a certain situation, the wishes of the victim need to be made paramount if at all possible. For example, in a case in which one adult hurts multiple children, no one individual child will be able to stop the prosecution, and each one may be subpoenaed to testify even if reluctant. However, in cases like Kayla’s, where there are no other known victims, it is largely up to the victim and her parents to decide what, if any, charges will be pursued.
Unfortunately, it is often in the throes of anger at the perpetrator at first hearing the disclosure that parents act directly to file a criminal complaint, without pausing to take into account how those actions may affect their child, both in the shorter and longer term. When there has been an enduring relationship between the victim and the abuser, the victim often feels torn about both the publicity and punishment that may accompany court proceedings. Even in cases with minor children, when an effort is made to hide the identity of the victim in court records, the local community and press often find out what is happening and reveal details about the participants. This occurred when Daniel was first arrested. His local prominence as a coach and common knowledge of the students he worked with led to rampant and sometimes hurtful speculations about Kayla’s identity, which at the time only added to her confusion and self-blame.
Kayla looks back to the point, when she had been in Boston for only a few months, when, she says, already so much had happened:
At an event in Florida a well-known senior male judoka called my room. I had known his new girlfriend, a Cuban judoka, when I lived in Ohio, and I said hello to her. She must have misunderstood my skittish body language and darting eye contact as rude because when I got up to my room her boyfriend called.
“Hello,” I said.
“Is this Kayla?” said a male voice that I didn’t recognize.
“Yes,” I said.
“What did you say to Maria?”
“I’m sorry?” I said, confused.
“What did you say to her? Huh?” he said, angrier now.
“I said hello. I don’t know what else you’re talking about,” I said, getting nervous now.
“You are just Daniel’s whore, you know that? You know that everyone knows you fucked Daniel, right?” he says and then hangs up on me.
My mom comes back to the room to find me in tears. It’s not much, but when you are 16 and trying to put your life back together, a small moment like that can feel like a mountain.
Online chat rooms make it worse. Grown men and women discussing whether or not I was of legal age when things began. Discussing if I “wanted it” or not. Talking about my private personal life right there for anyone to read.
Many said they would kill Daniel if it was their child. Many said I was old enough to know what I was doing. Particular members of the judo forum loved getting into the grit of it and discussing what is legal and what’s not in which state and so on. As the case developed and the charges were pressed, many would jump online to give their two cents. When Daniel finally pled guilty, the forum eventually fizzled out. There was nothing left to discuss, except whether or not I would stick around or become anything.
But it never stopped me from getting on and checking what people were saying. I would check in periodically for years down the line until finally the thread could no longer be found. Always wondering who belonged to which screen name. I have no doubt that they would never say to my face what was said online in those forums about my honesty, my integrity. If I was telling the truth or just seeking attention.
To this day I attend judo events and I see that man that called my room. He has never apologized.
To this day I attend judo events and I wonder if the person who said that 12 is old enough to know better is in the room. Or if the person who said I only wanted attention is standing in line waiting for my autograph. Or if the one who said I’d never make it has a picture with me hanging in their dojo. I was young and scared and in the worst moments of my life. And having that kind of attention and gossip surround me made it ten times worse. But it also made me stronger. And now I am not a young scared girl. I am a strong, confident woman who’s not afraid to tell people that what you say DOES affect people. Sometimes more than you know. So be careful. You never know what people are battling, and you never know who you may help. With a kind word or a smile, it can go a long way in making someone’s journey that much better. And just to clear the record—I was not old enough. It was NOT my fault. I did NOT quit. And I never will.
Although prosecution of child sexual abuse often requires the victim to be willing and able to testify to secure a conviction, when the perpetrator is in a position of power over other minor children the victim often experiences a great deal of pressure to press charges and provide testimony for the benefit of others who might be harmed if the alleged abuser remains free. These competing pressures on a young child can lead to her feeling “traumatized again” in the short run, feeling helpless and coerced into a decision to press charges without having her personal wishes and feelings taken fully into account. Kayla had to face the painful emotional and practical reality that Daniel’s fate lay largely in her hands and that her statements could send him to prison. Because of his status and notoriety as a coach, and the clear manner in which Daniel had used this role to gain access to his victim, both the police and Kayla’s parents exerted pressure on Kayla to press criminal charges and prosecute Daniel to the full extent of the law.
Looking back, Kayla says:
I had a victim witness advocate, and I got pamphlets about victim rights. But I never felt as if there was a choice about prosecuting him. Definitely not. The prosecutor, the FBI, the victim witness advocate, my parents, everyone was, like, “He could do this to someone else.” What I suggest parents say to kids now is: “I know you feel helpless. I know you feel scared. I know you are feeling empty and alone. But I promise you—it will get better. And the first step has already been taken. You have been so brave and so strong. You have spoken up and said something. And we believe you. Now you must believe and trust that I and the authorities are going to do the right thing. And the right thing is to make sure that X never hurts anyone else again. I know it’s hard, but I want you to trust me. And I want you to help me. And I want to help you. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
Before she had time to consider or reconsider, Kayla was confronted with not only local but also state and federal authorities as it became apparent that the crimes committed against her had been perpetrated both on national and international soil during their travels to competitions. Kayla’s distress and confusion over the largely unanticipated, and at the time largely unwanted, consequences of her disclosure are evident in writings from the period immediately following Daniel’s arrest, as she began to contemplate the likely impact of her revelations on Daniel.
In one excerpt she describes the series of events following her disclosure to Brian and how they had changed just about everything in her life and left her feeling traumatized a second time:
I let my body return to numbness. It was easier this way. To not think, feel, or do anything. I remember when I first told, I would sit in my room for hours. Just lay there. And I would sleep 14 hours a night. My body so exhausted with depression. My muscles stiff from lack of use and the weight of the guilt I was carrying.
The police had me and my mom call him and get a recorded confession. When he was talking to my mom, she was crying and telling Daniel that she couldn’t put me through this; that if he just told she would drop the charges.
What hurt the most was I knew that she was acting. She lied and said she didn’t want to put me through this, but she didn’t even seem to care. She was so worked up on her own revenge that she threw me to the wolves. The police also seemed to just want revenge; they did not want to really hear from me and only cared that I write down the facts, even though the facts don’t really tell the whole story . . .
I was not either angry or sad—I just didn’t care, and that scared me. But I was compliant, so I told the police what they wanted to know. And then Daniel was arrested and released on bail and there was a restraining order hearing and the day of the restraining order hearing my mom packed me up and moved me to Boston.
That was the longest time I ever went without judo, without him.
Effects on the Family
It’s also important to consider here how the unanticipated consequences of sexual abuse disclosures can affect not only the victim but also the victim’s family. After Daniel was quickly released on bail pending his court case, Kayla and her family were left to contend with the rumor mill churning in the small world of Ohio judo, which at times blamed the victim for pressing charges against a highly esteemed and well-known local sports figure and also questioned how the abuse had gone unnoticed for so long by Kayla’s family. Kayla’s mother hoped that moving her daughter to Boston would shield Kayla, at least in part, from the daily reminders of the trauma and allow her to continue to train in the sport she had devoted herself to since the age of 8. But it was hard on her younger brother and sister, as Kayla’s mother describes:
“They didn’t know what was happening, only that you were gone. And that affected them most. They missed you. They missed their big sister. What impacted them was you moving away. Your sister started acting out and hanging with the wrong people. We were so focused on you, though, that I let a lot of that go by and didn’t take appropriate action and it affected her later in life. I don’t feel as if what happened to our family affected my decisions about court, though. Not at all. What impacted my decision was that you didn’t want to live. You needed to do your sport. You needed a reason to wake up.”
Kayla says she believes it was the lack of any ongoing dialogue and support that “tore my family apart,” as her sister was only 12 and her brother 8 when Kayla essentially disappeared, unfortunately, leaving everyone in Ohio to reconstruct their own lives after the abuse was revealed.
WHAT’S NEXT?
As we’ve previously stated, if your child’s abuse has been determined to meet the criteria established for child abuse and neglect in your state, it will be accepted for an investigation or assessment. In general, cases that involve physical or sexual abuse or possible criminal conduct are investigated by a law enforcement agency, while other types of maltreatment are referred for family assessments that are conducted primarily by the child protective services agency. More and more, states are using a team-assessment approach, typically involving representatives from child protective services, law enforcement, and prosecutors’ offices, who work together to reduce the negative impact on child victims of having to undergo multiple interviews with different personnel.
The primary purpose of an investigation or assessment done by child protective services or law enforcement is to establish whether the allegation of abuse or neglect is supportable and, if it is, to make sure that the child is protected going forward. It is important to understand that the focus is on determining the nature, extent, and cause of the abuse or neglect and identifying the person responsible for the maltreatment. The focus is not on specifically evaluating the mental and emotional well-being of the child, which needs to be addressed as well (see Chapter 6).
Elements of an investigation may include:
Assessment interviews that take place following a complaint to a state agency need to be differentiated from the evaluations done by mental health professionals to assess whether, and what kind of, ongoing therapy may be indicated. If your child has just disclosed sexual abuse to you, your first instinct may be to consult your pediatrician or another trusted health care provider. Just understand that this consultation is no substitute for dealing with child protective services or the legal system, and remember that in every state health care professionals, such as physicians and nurse practitioners, have a mandated reporting obligation in cases involving childhood abuse and neglect.
WORSENING DISTRESS FOLLOWING DISCLOSURE
Early in this chapter we mentioned that parents may very well notice an increase in an abused child’s distress right after disclosure. The events just described illustrate this phenomenon. We hear repeatedly in our work with children subjected to this abuse and their families that the initial period after disclosure is traumatic for the child and family alike. This is, after all, when the child typically gives her first statements and interviews to law enforcement and/or child protection personnel, requiring her to relive the details of her abuse in the presence of strangers. Going through this process and making decisions about whether to formally prosecute the offender is a complicated and challenging ordeal, made only worse when youth are not helped to understand and anticipate the likely events that will follow and what decisions they will generally be required to make. Sometimes, if the perpetrator is a family member, victimized youth can additionally face either being taken out of their own home or, alternatively, having the offender barred from having contact with any other minor children in the family. All of these repercussions, which affect the youth’s privacy and relationships with her family, friends, community, and even the perpetrator, are a source of tremendous emotional upheaval for him or her.
Kayla remembers feeling alone and misunderstood immediately following her disclosure to Brian, turning again to her journal to express her confusion and distress, which had not abated and perhaps had worsened since she revealed her abuse:
May 18, 2007 (age 16)
Dear God,
Well, it’s been a while, and a lot has changed in a month. The secret’s out. The secret that I couldn’t even write to you about.
Everyone knows I had sex with Daniel. I told the truth. I told them it was a relationship and I consented.
My mom is filing charges. I’m going along with it, but I know he doesn’t deserve it. I keep telling myself that I knew what was going on and I was in control of myself.
I know Daniel is being punished for my sins. I’m the one that should go to jail. I know I deserve to go to hell.
God, please forgive me. Please help me. So many emotions going through me.
Everything I see I see his reflection. Everything I think I hear his voice. Everything I do I hear his reactions. He’s stuck in my head and I can’t get him out.
God, please help me. When I saw him in court on Tuesday, it was like my whole world came crashing down and my resolution to end this hasn’t been the same since.
I will say that Brian has been there for me 100%. Knowing he’s there for me and by my side makes me so grateful. It also makes it worse.
Everyone sees me as a victim, but you and I know the truth. I am nothing but a whore. A manipulative whore that cares only about herself.
Please God, help me.
Love Always,
Kayla
This entry captures the complicated reactions that often accompany disclosure when a criminal complaint or arrest quickly follows the initial revelation. We noted earlier that you may be surprised to hear your child express anxiety over what will happen to the abuser now that the truth is out. Although their belief is counterintuitive, victims often feel responsible for their abuser’s fate, having intended only to end the abuse and not yet sure that the perpetrator deserves the full force of public condemnation and potential imprisonment. And after what has often been years of involvement, the sea change that follows both disclosure and the consequent reporting repercussions can challenge the victim’s core sense of identity and control. We talk more about such reactions in Chapter 5 and how various therapies can help abused children handle them in Chapter 6.
Considering the Burden of Serving as a Witness
Often it’s difficult for law enforcement to actually go to trial against a child sexual abuse perpetrator without the cooperation and assistance of the victim. This is especially true for adolescent victims, who are often disclosing abuse that has taken place over a significant period of time in the past and for which there may be no fresh physical or corroborating evidence. While the abuse of younger children may be discovered or interrupted by an adult and the child can be immediately examined for forensic evidence of the abuse, this approach is generally not possible for the preteen or teen victim, whose narrative about what happened may be all the authorities have to go on. This circumstance makes it inordinately challenging for older victims to evaluate what they are prepared to say to law enforcement personnel and to fully understand the pros and cons of filing a criminal complaint. Clearly they need support from parents and professionals to manage this process.
In most jurisdictions, there are specific staff attached to the district attorney’s office, commonly referred to as victim witness advocates, whose job it is to help conduct interviews with the victim and serve as liaisons to police, families, and the court, with the goal of helping a victim understand the range of potential charges that might be brought, what the court process entails, and what are the victim’s rights and risks as a central witness in a sexual abuse prosecution. As with all other aspects of the disclosure process, however, the more information and resources a victim and her parents have, the better they fare emotionally, as they collectively face making critical decisions in the criminal justice process. All too often not only the child but the nonoffending adults in the child’s life can feel blamed and stigmatized once abuse has been made public, and this only further heightens the victim’s distress during what is already a difficult time.
For Kayla, the decision to prosecute Daniel and commit to all that followed in the courts went on over quite some time as she, like so many other children who’ve experienced abuse, tried valiantly to pick up the pieces of what felt like a shattered life. This meant trying to begin her training in Boston and focus on her present life while still constantly caught up in the emotions and memories from the past. Removed from her home and separated from family and friends, Kayla faced what would be only one of the many difficult matches of her life:
First Practice in Boston
I didn’t think it would be that hard. I thought judo would be the easiest thing for me. I thought my body wouldn’t betray me, that it would stay on automatic pilot.
But of course as soon as the smell hits my nose, so do the memories. It’s funny how your body instinctively reacts to certain sights, certain smells.
The smell of sweat mixed with tatami (judo mats) causes my heart to pick up speed and my body to tense. My mind replays images of my past. Practice after practice; broken bone after broken bone; fight after fight.
The tears threaten to come, and I look to Brian for support. It’s been less than 30 seconds and I’m already on the verge of tears.
As soon as we come in, Jimmy greets us. He’s sort of blurry to me; my eyes are swimming in wetness. He invites Mom and me into his office. Brian goes to suit up for practice.
As he begins talking all I can do is stare at his chest. His gi (judo uniform) is wide open, and I notice he’s still in very good shape for a retiree. Not like Daniel, my mind quickly begins to make the comparisons. His chest is also shaved. He’s staring at me with that look that I despise . . . pity.
It’s written all over his face, and it only encourages my tears. I don’t want his pity . . . he has no idea who I am. He wouldn’t look at me if he knew the truth, if he knew what I’ve done.
Adjusting to a New Normal
It’s quite common for victims of CSA to say that the relief they feel about their abuse having ended is overshadowed by the “new normal” they have to contend with. It is also still common to hear that the disclosure process caused a further rift between the child and parent(s), whom they see as having not protected them sufficiently from societal forces they had no way to anticipate or stand up against. Kayla, like many victims, initially saw her mother’s rage at Daniel and march to the police station as being more about her own revenge and less about her daughter’s well-being. Kayla felt swept up in pressures and choices she could not fully comprehend or digest and saw no way to express her own confusion about pressing charges against Daniel; she simply could not slow the process down and again felt unseen and helpless.
Victims typically describe feeling bewildered by shifts in their personal relationships and daily routines postdisclosure, along with an acute sense of being exposed. What was once private and had at times perhaps even felt special is now public and clearly wrong and can feel both shaming and stressful. For Kayla, her decision to prosecute, the need to testify, and the backdrop of the ongoing court proceedings all profoundly affected her first year in Boston, leading up to the culmination of Daniel’s sentencing. She was depressed and in the middle of an emotional crisis that is not atypical once a victim of sexual It’s important not to assume that “the worst is over” once the legal and judicial process is either well under way or completed. abuse breaks her silence. In the next chapter, we delve more deeply into some of the longer-term psychological repercussions of disclosure, which can be quite serious and persistent in the weeks and months before and after child welfare determinations and initial court actions have been resolved.
Reconciling Their Own Desire to Save Themselves with Others’ Desire for Retribution
For Kayla, the judicial repercussions ended less than 6 months after she first disclosed the abuse to Brian, but she continued to experience a great deal of ambivalence and dread in general both during this period and again as the trial approached. This is not surprising when the child, who has shared an ongoing relationship with the abusive adult, feels a tremendous amount of guilt in pursuing criminal charges against the offender.
August 27, 2007 (age 17)
Dear God,
It seems like the closer I get to the trial the more I dread it. I’m so scared, God. I know exactly what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna get there, he’s gonna walk in the door, and I’m going to freeze.
I can’t do it, God. I can’t betray him more than I already have. Nobody understands that he is not the one who needs punishing, I am. I did all of this, not him. Now I don’t know what to do.
Love always,
Kayla
Retribution and the protection of others were not in Kayla’s mind when she disclosed what was happening to her; she wasn’t thinking beyond saving herself. But then others rushed to punish and blame Daniel. Because she hadn’t had the opportunity to consider fully how society would respond to Daniel’s actions, she was faced with again trying to reconcile the fact that someone who had violated her for 4 years was also someone she had come to depend on. Did saving herself have to mean prosecuting—and persecuting—the person she had been tied to for so long?
The benefits of victims having their “day in court” are widely touted, and Kayla’s decision to go to trial was certainly a significant step in her personal recovery, although being better prepared for it might have made a positive difference to her recovery. While pursuing criminal charges is not necessary for recovery (and is not an option available to all victims; see “What About Victims Who Are Now Adults?”), victims of sexual assault (whether in childhood or adulthood) generally say they find some psychological benefit in facing the person that hurt them and having the opportunity to formally break their silence about the trauma they endured.
Kayla gained strength by ultimately facing Daniel in court. By the time Daniel pleaded guilty and accepted a plea deal of 10 years of prison time, in February 2008, she had already been hospitalized psychiatrically in Boston and was barely beginning to recover from the years of pain and confusion connected to her sexual abuse. Nonetheless, facing Daniel again and talking to the judge directly was another contest in life that Kayla felt then, and feels now, that she fought and won:
WHAT ABOUT VICTIMS WHO ARE NOW ADULTS?
We see many young adults in our practices who are dealing with issues related to sexual assault that were disclosed only after they had turned 18. Their families often don’t know what adversities transpired earlier in their lives, and these victims may or may not want to disclose to their families at this juncture. In light of the reality that the reporting mandate does not extend to child sexual abuse discovered or disclosed once the child has become an adult, clinicians are not required to report an allegation of child abuse unless there is a compelling reason to believe other children may be at risk of abuse by the same perpetrator (see Statutes of Limitations for Sexual Assault by Brittany Ericksen and Ilse Knech, available from https://tinyurl.com/h5y7ftp, for specifics on state statutes). Does this mean that criminal prosecution is off the table
Not necessarily. For victims who still want to have their day in court, most states have expanded the statute of limitations for childhood sexual abuse so that the clock does not start running for bringing criminal charges until the identity of the alleged abuser is revealed. The statute of limitation in many states used to be 10 years from the time the abuse actually occurred, regardless of when it was formally disclosed. This meant that if a child was abused at the age of 6 and only felt safe enough to file charges once he or she turned 18, the statute of limitations would have expired. In recognition of the common time lag between the occurrence of sexual assault and disclosure, many states have changed their laws so that victims have sufficient time post-disclosure to figure out what, if anything, they want to do about holding their perpetrator accountable.
Many victims are not interested in pursuing a legal option so long after their abuse occurred. Does this mean their recovery suffers from missing their day in court? Many people who choose not to prosecute as adults nonetheless feel reassured to learn that this opportunity is still available. Some choose instead to take informal actions, such as writing their perpetrators letters, arranging to confront them directly, or holding them responsible by finally telling others about this person’s abusive behaviors, which may often be equally satisfying.
Therapy that child and adolescent victims receive is also available to adults. Such therapy with a trained clinician can often provide a forum for adults who disclose their sexual abuse to do the emotional processing they might not have done before and, via this process, make informed decisions about if and in what ways they want to hold the perpetrator accountable.
February 28, 2008 (age 17)
I am awake. It is February 28, 2008. It is a Thursday. I am on my couch in my old house. I am not in my old room on my old bed. Mom sold it shortly after I moved to Boston. Probably for the best. Although I dreamed big dreams from that twin mattress, I also lived a nightmare.
It has been 288 days since I moved. It has been the worst 288 days of my life. And today will be the worst. Yesterday my mother and I went to Kohl’s. I needed something to wear, you see. We leave with ugly brown pants and a green patterned top. I hate these clothes. The shirt makes me look like a turtle. I think this but do not complain. I do not fight. I am numb.
Taylor, Heather, and Kristy are all at my house. My old house. We have spent so many days here laughing, playing, gossiping, and growing. That time we put on a play of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas; the time Taylor dared me to go out on my roof in my underwear in the dead of winter; that summer where we spent every waking moment in the pool or on the deck, working on our tans; the party we had just last year, where Taylor fell in love with Teddy, Kristy fell in love with my dog, and Heather fell in love with rum.
Brian squeezes my hand and I am brought back from the past. Taylor is doing my hair. It is straightened and teased, and the room smells of hairspray. Heather and Kristy alternate putting on my makeup and drying my eyes. I have the sick thought that this could have been my wedding day.
Mimi comes over to pick up Wesley and Rose for school. They are much too young and much too fragile to be anywhere near me these days. I wonder if they know. I wonder what it’s like for them to have a crazy sister. Mimi gives me a kiss and tells me she will meet us at the courthouse. Wesley and Rose hug me goodbye. I start to cry again.
We all climb in the Armada. It is the car I learned to drive in. It is the car that I will always remember. I get to ride in the front. As a child that was always my privilege as the oldest, but today I am not privileged, I am pitied. There is music on. Timbaland and One Republic are saying it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late, and I am wishing they would all stop singing along to it. How can they sing? On a day like this? Of course they can sing. They are still so young, and carefree. They are in a bad moment, yes, but their lives are filled with good ones, they are happy. I wish I could remember what that feels like.
The courthouse looms. There are over 20 reporters waiting like hounds as we pull in. Kristy, Heather, and Taylor form a protective circle around me as Brian practically carries me to the courthouse doors. Mom stops to say a few words of course. I feel like I am watching my life unfold but not participating . . . like this is a movie and any minute the credits will roll.
The U.S. Attorney, Laura, and the FBI agent, Patrick, are waiting in the lobby. The large building seems ancient and modern at the same time. I feel myself start to sweat through the green patterned shirt. Laura says we can go in early and look around or get comfortable if we like. I nod and Brian leads the way down the hall.
At the threshold I can see countless reporters with their pins and their recorders. My eyes sweep over my father’s side of the family, all there on time waiting to watch the show. I see a bailiff. I see his lawyers. I see his parents. I panic.
I turn around and almost fall in my rush to leave. I am sobbing and can barely see as I round the corner and find a bench to collapse on. Brian is next to me and trying to soothe me. I try to control my sobs and say, “ Ca . . . ca . . . call Jimmy.” He dials the number. It rings. No answer. I click redial. It rings.
“Hello.”
“Jimmy.” I sob, “Jimmy, I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
“Kayla Kayla Kayla, slow down, take it easy, kid. Calm down. Calm down. Just breathe. Listen to my voice. Breathe.”
I inhale.
“Breathe out. Breathe, kid. Listen and breathe. You are gonna go in there. You are gonna look at the judge and only the judge. And you are gonna say what you need to say. You are gonna get this shit off your chest. You are gonna be honest and just tell the truth. You are gonna get some closure so you can come back here and put this behind you, okay, kid? You hear me? Breathe.”
I breathe. Laura says it’s starting. I tell Jimmy I have to go. Thank you, I say. He tells me to call him after. I promise I will. “Go get ‘em, kid. Be honest. Look at the judge. Breathe,” he says.
My mom is on one side and Brian is on the other when I walk into the courtroom and see him for the first time. He is in a suit. His mother and father are behind him. I cry out and almost collapse, but Brian’s arms stay true. I slide into the bench.
We all rise as Judge Rose comes in. I try to focus, but all I can think about is him sitting 5 feet from me. I want to scream. I want to run. I want to be anywhere but here.
Laura tells the court that my mother and the victim, K.H., will speak. My mother will go first. She gets up and walks to the stand. She pulls out her prepared speech. She talks about Daniel as a trusted family friend. She talks about how much we cared about him, how much she trusted him. She talks about all the money we spent and the travel I did because of him. She talks about her betrayal and how she thought he was her friend. She talks about how she is broken by this.
I am angry. Angry with them all, but anger can only last so long. She says thank you, Judge Rose, for allowing me to speak today, and allowing me to remind the court that a man took advantage of a young girl with a dream.
Then the judge calls K.H. up. I sway as I make my way up to the stand. I keep my eyes on the judge. I can feel his eyes on me. They are burning into me, but I do not look. I do not falter.
“Please try and keep your voice up, young lady,” the judge says. I nod and shakily begin.
“I met Daniel when I was 8 years old . . . ”
By the end I am sobbing and my breathing is fast. I falter through the last bit . . . “I loved him. I think I still do . . . what was once my passion has become my prison . . . and no one will ever be able to change that. I am broken,” I say.
I look up and the judge thanks me. I walk back to my seat with my eyes down.
I lean on my Mimi and cry. I hear Daniel’s lawyer talking about a special bond, and I cry harder. I hear him say that he knows these two people are in love. He says he wants the court to know Daniel is sorry and so he wants Daniel to come up and say a few words if the judge will allow it.
“I stand before you today humiliated, ashamed, deeply saddened . . . ” The words come out of his mouth, and I cannot stop staring. I cannot comprehend what he is saying.
“I apologize to Kayla, who I never meant to hurt . . .
“I’m deeply sorry to my parents, whose love I can never repay . . . I’m deeply sorry for the sport of judo . . . all my friends I may have lost . . . I wish I could stop this pain . . . Thank you, your honor.” He sits.
Now the judge is speaking. It is time for the sentencing.
“What I do is much more than make a cold black and white calculation . . . the court has to consider many factors . . . I have heard people who respect you and value you. I have also heard people who basically, their lives, their family lives have been ruined by your actions . . . I’m not concluding that throughout your life you have been a monster . . . But when I look at your history and the nature of and circumstances of this offense the walls come tumbling down.
“You were given the opportunity, and I think you would agree the privilege of working with bright, young, talented, skilled people, people that you taught to excel . . . But it is the court’s opinion that you made a very, very serious mistake. I too hope that someday those affected can forgive you. I’m worried that this victim’s life can never be repaired. She obviously cannot relive her childhood. She cannot relive those tender years. Those have been taken away from her . . . ”
“After considering all of the factors of sentencing under 18 USC 3553 and pursuant to the Sentencing Reform Act of 1984, it will be the judgment of this court that Daniel Doyle is committed to the custody of the United States Bureau of Prisons to serve the full term of 120 months.”
They are putting him in cuffs. He is walking away. Right before he goes through the door he turns to me.
“I love you.”
My world goes black.
Now, looking back and recalling that moment when Daniel was sentenced, Kayla writes:
It was bittersweet. It was definitely closure. I needed to get up in front of the judge and him and say my piece. I explained to the judge that what once was my passion (judo) is now my prison. It was one of the toughest days of my life. It was heart wrenching. I didn’t know what to feel, and that made it worse. Everyone was so happy, so excited. Everybody had been so angry for so long. To everyone else that was the end . . . they could move on with their lives. But it wasn’t that easy for me.