Frequently, flirting begins before either party speaks a single word. The right body language can spark interest, attraction, and acceptance; the wrong body language can trigger discomfort, dislike, or rejection. You probably know people with a knack for making you feel special and comfortable. You probably know others who quickly make you feel self-conscious, uneasy, and unworthy. You intuitively react to their body language, which then translates into how you feel about yourself and the other person. It just happens.
By learning how to read and control body language, however, you can ensure that you give off signals that communicate to others your authenticity, comfort, warmth, charisma, and playfulness. Fitting flirting body language is a passport to flirting paradise.
Not only that, but you’ll also better know when your interest doesn’t reciprocate feelings—an enormous long-term benefit that will save you time, energy, and heartache. (You just have to trust me on that one, no matter how much you want to disregard the warning signs!)
Before I tell you the perfect body language formula, let’s go over what not to do, what I like to call “The Ultimate Body Language Don’ts,” or BLDs. This list may look long, but we do many of these behaviors habitually and without knowing it. Sometimes, we even do these things on purpose to indicate to others that we’re not interested—so be on the lookout on all accounts! Don’t follow these bad habits, and don’t waste your time with people who do.
Remember, BLDs distract, turn people off, are unattractive, and stand in your way. Once you know what not to do, discard the BLDs and replace them with positive body language. The more you know what not to do, the better flirt you will be.
The Ultimate Body Language Don’ts
Never do any of the following:
• Look around the room when talking
• Fold your arms across your chest in a tight, clenched manner
• Stand with one arm crossed tightly hugging the other arm
• Stand or sit in a slumped position
• Stand like a statue
• Look at the floor when talking
• Huddle in a smaller position
• Wrap your legs around each other
• Twist your feet around table or chair legs
• Put barriers in front of you such as a book, your arms, or a table
• Play with or check your cell phone
• Jiggle or twitch your knee or legs
• Fidget
• Tap your fingers on the table
• Pick at your skin
• Rub your nose
• Pick on your nails or cuticles
• Sigh, yawn, or rub your throat
• Frown or grimace
• Stare
• Clench your fists or shake your finger
• Wring your hands
• Shake your head from left to right as if to say “no”
• Move in too quickly
• Twirl your hair
• Nod a mile a minute
• Rub your arms and legs
• Shake hands with a limp handshake
• Speak in a monotone or so low that your partner can’t hear you
• Speak in a loud arrogant tone
• Keep a smile plastered to your face
• Glance at your watch
• Bite your lip
• Laugh excessively (or at inappropriate times)
• Wear your heart on your sleeve
• Shred your dinner napkin
• Adjust your clothing constantly
• Lean way back or away from the other person in your chair
• Hide in the corner
• Shuffle your feet
“THE MORE YOU KNOW WHAT NOT TO DO,
THE BETTER FLIRT YOU WILL BE.”
Now that you know the BLDs, what’s next? First, take a self-inventory of your own personal BLDs. How often do you display them and in what situations?
For most BLDs, simply don’t do them. For some, do the opposite. For example, instead of slouching, stand up straight. Instead of glancing at your watch, make eye contact with your conversation partner. When you start mumbling or speaking too low, speak up.
Body language comes in clusters. Occasionally, you can yawn, adjust clothing, sigh, or make a nervous gesture, but don’t make a habit out of it. Rather, look at the total picture.
WARNING SIGNS YOUR FLIRTING INTEREST IS NOT INTO YOU
Now that we’ve covered what won’t work, are you ready to learn how to speak with body language to get noticed? Let’s get started.
The right body language makes others feel comfortable around you and shows others you feel comfortable with yourself. The more you practice the steps outlined, the more success you will have when meeting new people.
When you want to make a good impression or approach someone, do you get totally nervous? We all do; it’s unavoidable. Taking some deep breaths helps.
Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose until you can’t take in any more air. Let out the air slowly and gently through your mouth. Repeat this two or three times. It reduces the jitters.
When engaged in conversation, face the person to whom you are speaking. This sends the message that you are totally focused. In situations during which it is physically difficult to face each other, such as a crowded party, event, or waiting area, angle your body toward your partner as much as possible. We do this with people we find attractive.
Next, focus your eyes. Calm, friendly eye contact works best. Nothing is more distracting than squinting or straining eyes. It makes your face look lopsided and askew (try it in the mirror if you don’t believe me). Keep your eyes open and alluring and don’t forget to blink.
FLIRTING TIP: RELAX YOUR MOUTH (EXCEPT FOR SMILES AND LAUGHS)
“THE RIGHT BODY LANGUAGE MAKES OTHERS FEEL
COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU AND SHOWS OTHERS YOU
FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF.”
Leaning toward the person with whom you’re speaking conveys your interest in spending time with and getting to know each other. When you lean in, you block out the world and say that only s/he matters. Try leaning in, talking, and then leaning in a little more.
Have your arms in an open position—that is, relaxed at your sides. They don’t have to remain completely still, but they should make only smooth, natural moves. Avoid crossing your arms or clutching them tightly against your body. This closed position makes others think you aren’t interested in conversation (even if you really are). Arms in an open position tell others that you would like them to join you.
During conversation, move your arms easily and slowly away from your body, with palms up, to indicate agreement or interest in what your flirting partner says or does.
Tilting your head toward your partner during conversation says that you really want to hear what that person has to say. This will be an ego boost for your flirting interest, and in turn, s/he will likely let his/her guard down and feel more relaxed. Body language is all about reducing anxiety, increasing spontaneity, and focusing on the moment.
Try to ignore distractions and concentrate on the conversation. The best way to listen attentively is to nod every few seconds, making comments such as “uh huh,” “mmm,” “yes, definitely,” “absolutely,” and so on—in a natural way.
It may sound like a no-brainer, but it guarantees great results. There is no better feeling than knowing that someone truly hears you.
And guys, nod more! Women love it.
FLIRTING TIP: IGNORE YOUR CELL PHONE
Because people today don’t want to waste a second, simultaneously talking, texting, eating, and walking seems like normal behavior. But during a first-time meeting, it’s imperative you give that person your exclusive attention. Consider the following story.
Paula and Christopher, two people in their late twenties, met at a bike race. During registration, Christopher started complimenting Paula’s biking outfit, telling her how put-together she looked. Paula immediately felt a connection.
However, as the conversation progressed, Christopher began texting and waving to all of the women from his bike club. Because of the mixed, multitasked messages Paula received from Christopher, she took off.
After the race, Christopher approached Paula, said he was glad he ran into her, and asked her to lunch. She agreed, but during lunch, she explained to Christopher her surprise at his interest in her. He appeared more interested in texting and saying hi to his biking buddies than talking to her, she said. Christopher apologized and said he didn’t even realize what he had done.
Lesson learned: Multitasking gives the impression that other “tasks” take precedence over the person to whom you are talking. Remember, we all want to be the center of the universe. Pay full attention. You won’t regret it.
FLIRTING TIP: PERFECT YOUR BODY LANGUAGE TO SPARK ATTRACTION
Actions clearly speak louder than words. If a person agrees to call or meet up and then doesn’t call or show up, you know there’s no longer interest (or maybe that there never was). Actions are much more important than empty words. But one body part never lies. Do you know which one?
a. Face
b. Eyes
c. Arms
d. Feet/legs
e. Fingers
If you guessed d, you are absolutely right! We can hide our emotions in all body parts except for our feet/legs. Some experts believe that because our feet are the farthest body part from the brain, they don’t think—they just do. Here’s what it means to us flirty flirts: We point our legs toward our interest. Otherwise, we point our legs away. If you can’t decide whether s/he likes you, look at the direction of the feet—they’ll tell you the truth.
A good sense of direction isn’t our legs’ only skill. There are many other ways these limbs send out signals. For example, to give a relaxed vibe, try the following:
When sitting:
• Hang your legs so they gently touch the floor.
• Cross your legs at your ankles.
• Cross one leg over your knee.
• Gently tap your foot or rock your leg in time with the music.
When standing:
• Keep your legs slightly apart, in a natural stance (not too tightly together like an army recruit, or too far apart like football player ready for tackle).
• Lean your heel against the ankle of your other foot (but don’t wrap your legs around one another).
• Gently tap your foot or move your leg in time with the music.
