The ability to understand and not be upset by other people in your life is crucial to reducing anxiety, as is your relationship to yourself, your life, and a Higher Power (or God). In this chapter, you’ll find information about how to feel better about yourself, reduce sources of interpersonal anxiety, and be more assertive, empathic, purposeful, and spiritual.
Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage
Self-esteem is an ongoing evaluation of yourself and your abilities. Self-esteem reflects your confidence in what you say or do. Feeling sabotaged can result in anxiety. You thought you could trust a colleague, family member, or friend, but you found out you couldn’t. It may feel like a knife in the back—or in the heart. You may panic and think you’ll never get over such treatment. It’s important to realize that everyone has this experience sometimes, and that you must start again and not hide from it.
It may be that no one is sabotaging you but you. Why would you want to sabotage yourself? Low self-esteem is one explanation. When you have low self-esteem, you probably have difficulty standing up to other people, avoid eye contact, turn red easily, and get a “shame attack.”
If you have low self-esteem, it is probably because you weren’t valued by your caregivers when you were a child. They did not esteem you in an appropriate way. In neglecting to value you, they abused you, even if they didn’t mean to. This led to a lack of confidence about yourself and your worth. Low self-esteem can make you feel as if you’ll never be able to cope with your anxiety.
Because you may have been abused or neglected in your family of origin, you may abuse or neglect yourself. The key to elevating your esteem is the willingness to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Self-esteem fluctuates depending on your life experiences. If you have low self-esteem, take heart. You can learn to build your self-esteem, but it won’t happen overnight.
When you make the decision to value yourself, it will be easier for you to value others. As your self-esteem rises, so will your esteem of others. This change will improve your relationships.
On the surface, you may think you want to succeed, but when you have low self-esteem, old messages you learned in your family continue to operate. Perhaps you were told you were stupid, lazy, would never succeed, or were given some other negative message. These messages are like tapes that play in your head. They’re faulty because they have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person who gave you the message. The faulty messages may even seem automatic, as if they can turn themselves on and play and play and there is nothing you can do about it.
There is something you can do about these messages, but first you must identify them and realize they are not about you. They belong to someone else. Until you identify these messages, face them, and realize you are worthy and whole, you will continue to sabotage yourself.
Use the exercise below to help identify and eliminate your faulty tapes.
Hooked on Helping
Helping others can be a positive thing, but when you’re hooked on helping, it can intensify your anxiety. You’re hooked on helping when you become overinvolved in “taking care of” or “worrying about” others.
If you’re hooked on helping, you never learned to separate out your responsibility for your own behavior from taking responsibility for what others do. You probably learned to take care of others early in life. This is common if you came from an abusive family where you were abused by one or both parents, or where one or both parents were addicted to alcohol or drugs. It’s also common in a family where one member needs a lot of care and you were designated (by yourself or someone else) the one to take care of that person, even though it is inappropriate for a child to be made responsible for what happens to a sibling or parent.
Guilt may have played a role, too. Guilt set in when you started to believe you really were responsible for someone else’s behavior, even though you could only be responsible for your own.
Whatever your situation, if you are overly helpful, boundaries between you and others are not clearly defined. You learned early to get so involved with others and their needs that you may have lost your own identity and stopped taking care of yourself in order to help others.
Rate yourself on the boundary questions below.
|
|
Never |
Seldom |
Sometimes |
Often |
Always |
|||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
1. I can separate other people’s feelings and thoughts from my own. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
2. I believe I am responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
3. I believe other people are responsible for what they think, feel, and do. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
4. I am autonomous and independent. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
5. I can communicate my rationale for what I value and believe. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
6. I allow others to have their own values and beliefs. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
7. I ask others when they need help and respect their answer. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
8. I ask for help when I need it. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
9. I can negotiate with others to make sure their needs and mine are satisfied. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
10. I believe all people are of equal value. |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
The more answers you rated 1 through 7, the lower your self-esteem and boundary skills. The more answers rated 8 through 10, the higher your self-esteem and the better your boundary skills. If you have low self-esteem, you will have difficulty taking good care of yourself and may be increasing your anxiety by taking on responsibilities that aren’t really yours.
One activity that will help you build appropriate boundaries is learning to say no. You may have come from a family where it wasn’t okay to say no, where you had to hide your disagreement or individual choices. Now that you’re an adult, you have the right to say no and it’s appropriate to do so. Follow the guidelines below to help establish boundaries.
1. Practice saying “No!” or “I don’t want to!” in private, aloud, at least twenty times a day. Do this in a safe environment, such as when you’re in your car, in the bathroom, or home alone. Also make comments such as “No, I don’t want to go to the meeting,” or “No, I don’t want any of that food,” or “No, I don’t want to finish this report.” Be sure to include statements concerning whatever else you don’t want to do.
2. Be aware of anything you choose to do that you don’t want to do. Write about these instances in a journal, being careful not to censor what you write.
3. Note anything you’re procrastinating about. If it’s work, pick it up, look at it, and tell yourself, “It’s okay not to want to do this.”
After you’ve learned to say no, begin work on negotiation skills. Remember that relationships are all about negotiation. I wash your clothes, you take me out to dinner. I clean the house inside, you take the car for service. Without negotiation, you can become anxious, angry, and dissatisfied. Use the following guidelines for effective negotiation:
With some important issues, when you can’t reach agreement, you may have to set an ultimatum; for example, “If you don’t come with me for counseling, I will leave the relationship,” or “If you don’t call when you’re coming home late, I won’t wash your clothes this week,” or “If you keep taking my jewelry without my permission, I’m putting a lock on the box,” or “If you don’t stop making sexually inappropriate remarks, I’m filing a harassment suit against you.”
Your partner doesn’t have to agree to your ultimatum. It’s a statement of your own boundaries, and of what you will do if they aren’t respected. It’s best to take into account the needs, feelings, and resources of both of you when making ultimatums.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for your thoughts, feelings, or desires. It means being able to stand up for reasonable rights (while being respectful of others’ rights) for setting goals, for acting on goals by following through consistently, and for taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Taking assertive action gives you the potential to interact with others as adults (not as adult and child, or parent and child, situations that are more apt to occur during aggressive or avoidant behavior).
Assertiveness includes an active orientation to life. When you’re assertive, you don’t wait for situations to improve, you take action to improve them. You do your homework and put forth solutions. You work toward using your full potential, and you do it in a self-directed way. You can tell others what you expect and what others can expect from you, remind them of deadlines, of tasks to be completed, and of work toward long- and short-term goals. Being assertive also means you can tell others about your special skills or achievements, not hide your talents and competencies.
When you’re assertive, you make clear, concise statements, stick to the issue or problem at hand, and can initiate and maintain a conversation with whomever you choose. Assertiveness also provides an outlet for your tension. When you hold feelings in or avoid them, your anxiety level can rise. That’s why it’s important to learn assertiveness skills as a way to reduce your anxiety. Being assertive can reduce anxiety because it helps you express your thoughts and feelings directly. This can bring increased feelings of self-confidence, while reducing anxiety and physical complaints, and improving communications with others. Just remember that the purpose of being assertive is not to get what you want but to express yourself in a calm, reasonable, respectful, and direct manner.
What Are Your Rights?
Part of finding out who you are is affirming your rights as a person. You have the following rights:
Assertiveness vs. Nonassertiveness
What’s the difference between being assertive and nonassertive? Nonassertive comments blame the other person and don’t take responsibility for moving forward. Here are some examples:
|
Nonassertive Comments |
Assertive Comments |
|---|---|
|
You should have called. |
• If you’re going to be late, please call so we can reschedule. |
|
You don’t appreciate me. |
• I’d like a written evaluation of my work. |
|
You didn’t hear a word I said. |
• Please listen to my opinions even if you don’t agree with them. |
|
|
• I want to talk with you about our discussion yesterday. For me it isn’t finished. |
|
|
• I want to talk with you about some things that are bothering me. |
|
I never get a chance to add my two cents’ worth. |
• I want a say in decisions that affect me. |
|
|
• I’m starting to feel resentful and I don’t want to feel that way, so please let me choose what we do every other time. |
|
We never discuss anything. |
• Let’s sit down and talk with no interruptions. |
Being Assertive Respects the Other Person
Do you think assertiveness is rude? There is no reason for assertiveness to be disrespectful. You can be polite and still be assertive. When you’re assertive, you describe the facts without embellishing or manipulating; for example, “I feel upset about being teased,” or “I feel angry when I’m not listened to.” Once you express your feelings, you can then ask for an action in a polite way, such as, “Please finish your report as we agreed,” or “Please acknowledge my contribution to the effort.” To add an extra quotient of respect, restate the other person’s viewpoint or feelings while maintaining your position; for example, “I hear your anger, but this is important to me,” or “I understand this isn’t important to you, but I feel better when we finish on time.”
I-Messages vs. You-Messages
Being assertive requires taking a risk by clearly stating what is expected from others and what they can expect from you. Examples of I-messages are: “I would like to…” “I suggest we settle this by…” “I want to focus on working this out,” “This is an issue I can’t compromise on,” “I feel angry when I’m called lazy.”
You-messages are aggressive and have an element of control or manipulation. Examples include: “Why didn’t you…?” “You should have…” “I think you’re crazy.” Sometimes you-aggressive messages masquerade as assertive ones; for example, “I think you’re wrong!” “I feel you ought to change,” “I want you to do as I say.” In these messages, the speaker tries to control the listener by judging behavior, or by attempting to force a change in action.
Some we-messages can also be assertive, especially if they imply collaboration, such as, “We can meet and work this out.” (Undifferentiated messages—such as “Let’s do our exercises together,” when only one person is exercising—are neither assertive nor collaborative.)
You-blaming messages are also aggressive. They tend to put others on the defensive and shouldn’t be used in conversation. Examples of this type of aggressive statement are: “Why didn’t you take care of that?” “Why can’t you do it right?” “This is your fault,” and “Why are you going around upsetting everyone?”
Some assertive messages can use the word you while neither blaming nor coercing the other person. Examples include “Would you like to tell me your point of view?” “I want to thank you,” and “I thought I heard you say…”
Assertive Responses
It’s not unusual to confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. Let’s take a look at some assertive responses.
Situation 1: Someone comes up to you while you are in the middle of an important task and asks you for help with something. An assertive response would be: “I’m just finishing this up. I can help you in ten minutes.”
Situation 2: Someone you know starts to holler and berate you. An assertive response is: “I don’t like to be shouted at, but I’d like to hear what’s upsetting you.”
Situation 3: You notice a colleague, family member, or friend doing something unsafe. When you begin to talk to her, she accuses you of picking on her. An assertive response would be: “Let’s talk about this and straighten things out between us.”
Situation 4: A friend, family member, or colleague agreed he would complete a task, but when you check, the task has not been completed. An assertive response would be: “We agreed you’d be finished with the task by now.”
Situation 5: Someone catches you in an error. An assertive response is, “You’re right. I did make a mistake.”
Situation 6: A friend or family member is always signing you up for courses or activities you have no interest in. An assertive response would be: “I appreciate your concern, but I want to make my own decisions.”
Nonverbal Aspects of Assertiveness
If your facial expression or posture is nonassertive, it won’t matter what you say. That’s why you also need to think about what your body is saying. Speaking loudly enough, and in a firm, fluent voice, maintaining good eye contact, and using facial expressions, gestures, body postures, and positioning that match your words are all important if you want to appear assertive. If you pause too often, laugh nervously, look up or down or away, look angry when you claim you’re not, overapologize or overexplain, get sidetracked on irrelevant issues, talk too much, don’t allow others to speak, use sarcasm, whine, plead, try to make the other person feel guilty, roll your eyes, qualify your statements, or blame the other person, you will not appear assertive.
Strive for a relaxed body posture. It conveys self-confidence, interest, openness, and nondefensiveness. If this is difficult for you, use one or more of the techniques presented in chapter 9.
Facing the person you’re speaking to is part of an assertive presentation, as is standing or sitting an appropriate distance away. Being too close or too far away will interfere with being assertive.
Techniques for Enhancing Assertiveness. You can practice by looking in your mirror to give you feedback about whether your words fit with the gestures and your posture. Mirror practice can also be helpful in rehearsing assertive statements prior to trying them in real-life situations. This kind of rehearsal can build confidence so you can be assertive in the real-life situation.
Audio and video recorders also provide excellent practice in assertiveness. Audio recordings provide clues about whether you pause frequently enough, whether your tone of voice is assertive, whether you speak too quickly, and whether you stick with an issue and sound assertive. Some statements to record and evaluate for assertiveness are:
Video feedback adds additional information about eye contact, changes in body posture and positioning, facial expressions, and confidence of presentation. Probably the best use of video is for rehearsing upcoming situations you think will evoke anxiety. Write a script for a conversation between you and another person. Record it with a friend or colleague and then evaluate whether you’re satisfied with your performance or not.
Another way to use video is for role-playing. In this approach you tell another person about an upcoming or past situation. (It is best to use a two-person situation; avoid those with a long history of emotional overlay; and strive for choices that are likely to end in a successful role-play, not in frustration.) You will have to coach your partner about the situation, what role each of you will take, how the other person should act to approximate the real-life situation, and how the interchange will begin and end. A three-to-five-minute script is sufficient when extraneous discussions are omitted and you adhere to the main topic. Some directions to give your partner include: “Be sure to try to make me feel guilty about saying no,” or “Every time I try to stick to the issue, you change the subject,” or “Use a really angry tone of voice, but insist you’re not angry.”
Using a script and trying it out will help you identify areas that require further practice or more information. For example, if you’re asking for a raise, it’s necessary to “do your homework,” which means spending time thinking about your response and coming up with alternate solutions for the problem that provide adequate information for the other person to support your point of view. You’ll have to show your boss exactly what you’ve done that justifies being rewarded with a raise.
Fears That Prevent Assertiveness
It’s important to be aware of which fears may be preventing you from being assertive. Check the fears that inhibit your assertiveness.
____ 1. Fear of rejection
____ 2. Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
____ 3. Fear of being too aggressive
____ 4. Fear of showing my feelings
____ 5. Fear of being unfeminine (or unmasculine)
____ 6. Fear of losing control
____ 7. Fear of learning “the truth” about myself
____ 8. Fear of being retaliated against
____ 9. Fear of being punished by an authority figure
____ 10. Fear of failing and looking silly
____ 11. Fear of _______________________________
Overcoming Your Fears of Being Assertive
To overcome your fears of being assertive you must confront the myths behind them. Let’s examine each fear.
Challenging Counterproductive Beliefs
Once you’ve identified your core anxieties and fears, you’re one step closer to being assertive. It’s admirable to strive to handle situations well, but it’s counterproductive to expect to change old patterns overnight when you’ve spent years developing them. Beliefs held by others can end up defeating your attempts to be assertive unless you prepare for them. Many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness and may question your interest in becoming more assertive. It’s wise to prepare for this type of comment and know some possible ways to respond. Read the counterproductive-belief questions below.
Question: Why do you want to be assertive? Isn’t that just a way of manipulating other people to get what you want?
Answer: No. Being assertive means standing up for your rights, knowing full well that other people have rights, too. Being assertive is less manipulative than verbal stabs in the back, avoiding important issues, or blowing up with anger.
Question: If someone gets angry when I’m assertive, isn’t that anger my fault?
Answer: No. You cannot be responsible for someone else’s behavior, but you might be able to teach that person how to accept reasonable limits without becoming unduly angry.
Question: Shouldn’t I be able to meet other people’s demands and needs as well as my own?
Answer: Assertiveness is a skill that requires planning, practice, and hard work to master. It’s unrealistic to handle situations in a new way spontaneously; that can lead only to frustration and downplaying your potential. You cannot be responsible for anyone else’s reactions and feelings, only your own. Being assertive means being able to admit to both strengths and weaknesses. It means being able to say “I don’t know” when you don’t.
Question: Shouldn’t I be able to be assertive without ever threatening or frustrating other people?
Answer: It’s doubtful the other person is so fragile that your words could produce irreparable damage. Despite how respectful you are, some people may view your behavior as a threat. Just remember you have a fifty-fifty chance that others will respond positively to your assertive action. Chances are quite good that no matter what others do, you will like yourself better if you are assertive. Even if other people get annoyed at you for being assertive, you can handle it. If the other person becomes unreasonably angry, it’s doubtful the situation will escalate unless you respond with aggressive words or behavior. Just remember you’re responsible only for your own behavior, not the other person’s. Also remember that remaining silent and hoping that someone else will handle the situation is avoiding your responsibility.
Question: Shouldn’t I be able to handle situations better than I do?
Answer: Putting yourself down for not handling situations as well as you would like is a waste of your time and energy. Instead, if you think of a good response you wish you’d said, write it down to use next time. As long as you and the other person are alive, you can work at resolving situations. Once you have in mind the assertive words you want to use, approach the other person and say something like, “I’ve been thinking about our argument last week and I’d like to talk with you and resolve it,” or “Remember that disagreement we had yesterday? I’d like to talk to you about it.”
Question: Won’t people think I’m cold and uncaring if I assert myself?
Answer: It’s probably just the opposite, but some people may still accuse you of being cold and uncaring as a way to manipulate you so you’ll comply with what they want. Remember you have a right to have your own needs and goals met. Treating other adults as capable people, which is part of being assertive, will enrich a relationship.
Question: Can I become too assertive so that I overwhelm others?
Answer: You can’t be too assertive. One aspect of assertiveness is that it’s appropriate to the situation.
Assertiveness at Work
Being assertive means you have realistic work goals. Unrealistic goals include the need to:
Realistic work goals include:
Constructive work habits are another part of assertiveness. This means being able to structure a satisfying day, set limits on others’ interruptions and requests, concentrate on one task at a time, complete unpleasant tasks without procrastinating, and structure work to reward yourself.
Giving and taking criticism, evaluation, and help is another part of assertiveness. This includes feeling comfortable taking compliments, praising others, owning up to your mistakes or errors, pointing out others’ limitations or need for learning, asking for assistance when you need it, and staying calm while being observed or evaluated.
Setting Assertiveness Goals
If you decide to change to more assertive behavior, the first step is to prioritize your assertiveness needs. Take a look at the behaviors below and see which of them are a high priority for you.
Verbal Presentation of Self
____ I make clear, concise statements.
____ I stick to the issue/problem at hand.
____ I initiate and maintain a conversation.
____ I express my thoughts and feelings openly.
____ I use “I” or collaborative “we” statements.
Nonverbal Presentation of Self
____ I speak in a loud, firm, fluent voice.
____ I maintain eye contact.
____ My facial expression is appropriate to my words.
____ My body posture conveys interest and openness.
____ I position myself to sit or stand an appropriate distance from whomever I’m talking with.
Active Orientation
____ I suggest policies, procedures, and solutions.
____ I work to my full potential in a self-directed way.
____ I tell others exactly what they can expect from me.
____ I ask others exactly what they expect of me.
____ I plan short-term and long-term goals.
____ I work to achieve my goals.
____ I tell others of my special skills and achievements.
____ I remind others of deadlines or time frames without nagging or trying to make them feel guilty.
Constructive Work Habits
____ I structure my day so that I am reasonably satisfied with its outcome.
____ I limit other people’s interruptions.
____ I concentrate on one task at a time.
____ I find a way to complete unpleasant tasks.
____ I say no to illegitimate requests.
____ I structure my work to reward myself.
Giving and Taking Criticism and Help
____ I can take compliments and feel comfortable.
____ I can praise others for their achievements.
____ I own up to my mistakes and limitations.
____ I point out others’ limitations or need for learning in a neutral way.
____ I ask for assistance when I need it.
____ I remain calm when being observed or evaluated.
Control of Anxiety or Fear
I can feel comfortable when…
____ standing up for my rights.
____ disagreeing.
____ expressing anger.
____ dealing with others’ anger.
____ handling a putdown or teasing.
____ asking for a legitimate limit to my workload.
____ taking a reasonable risk.
Learning to Say No
One of the most difficult tasks you may face is saying no, especially if you were brought up to please other people and not rock the boat. To be assertive, it’s imperative to learn to say no to demands that conflict with your own needs and desires. Saying no effectively also means saying no without feeling guilty. You really have to learn to believe that you have a right to say no and mean it.
In many cases, just saying “No, thank you” or “No, I’m not interested” may be enough. Some people may persist, and that’s when it’s important for you to repeat your refusal without apologizing. To emphasize that you really mean what you’re saying…
If you feel compelled to give an explanation, acknowledge the other person’s request by repeating it, explain your reason for declining, and repeat your no statement. When it’s appropriate, you may wish to suggest an alternative proposal that meets both your needs.
It may help you to say no if you think about what precedes saying no (acknowledgment and explanation), and what can follow saying no (alternative option). Here are some examples to help you say no.
Example 1
“I understand that you want me to get my report in early [acknowledgment], but you gave me two other assignments that you told me must be completed first [explanation], so I have to tell you that the report won’t be done early unless I get some help with the other assignments [saying no]. Would you be open to finding someone to help me with those two assignments so that I could get the report in early? [alternative option].”
Example 2
“I hear you need some help with the dishes [acknowledgment]. I’d like to help you but I have schoolwork to do [explanation], so I’m not going to be able to help [saying no]. Maybe Jim can help you [alternative option].”
Keep in mind that you never have to answer a question right away unless it’s a life-threatening situation. You can always take your time answering. “Give me a day to think this over,” or “I can’t answer you right now. I’ll get back to you this afternoon,” or “I need more information before I can act,” or “There may be something in what you say; let me think about this for a few minutes.” When the conversation reaches an impasse, but the discussion is an important one, you can delay talking to a later time. This kind of action is only assertive if you set a specific time in the near future to continue the discussion.
Excuses and apologies are often carryovers from childhood when your parents or teachers demanded them. In a few situations, an apology may be relevant, but even then, never overapologize. Just restate the other person’s request and explain why you can’t meet it. If you imply that you’re not sure, that gives the other person ammunition to try to make you feel guilty about saying no. Avoid promising to do something else for the person you say no to. There is no need to feel guilty. You have the right to say no.
Practice using assertive nonverbal communication by looking in a mirror and saying what you have to say. Check to make sure you have good eye contact, keep a confident expression on your face, and use a firm and calm tone of voice.
Challenging Your “Shoulds”
If you want to become assertive, one of the major hurdles to overcome is your “shoulds.” If you’re a woman, part of who you are is based on socialization into being a female. Messages that many women (and some men) commonly receive in our society are that you “should” think of others first, never brag or tell positive things about yourself, always listen and be understanding, never complain, be attuned to what the other person is thinking and feeling, and be willing to give to others. Another message you may have learned in your family is that you are bad. This can happen when parents don’t differentiate between bad behavior and bad child. If as a child you got this kind of message, as an adult you probably still believe there’s something wrong with you, not with what you may do. You may have been especially confused if your parents got mad sometimes when you did a certain behavior but didn’t at other times. This could have led you to think it’s not what you do, it’s you. These messages can make you susceptible to guilt induction from authority figures as a child and as an adult.
Family members can try to make you feel guilty by giving you the message “You should do what we ask of you, whenever we ask.” This message is rarely given so directly, and is usually couched in other words and behaviors, even sometimes with the insistence that you need not help, while showing you in other ways that you should. For example, “That’s okay, I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me,” when you know that person won’t be fine, but also that it’s not reasonable of him to depend on you to make things fine.
Other “shoulds” may come from your work environment. Your boss my tell you, “You should work overtime; you’re needed.” Peers may tell you, “You should help me; I can’t do this without you.”
Whenever anyone tells you that you “should” do something, challenge it by explaining why the suggested behavior is counterproductive to your sense of power. Based on your challenges, decide which of your “shoulds” you will comply with, and then state them in a more assertive way. Study the examples that follow.
|
Shoulds |
Choices |
|
You should stay with me and help me. |
I choose to help you. |
|
You should work overtime. |
I choose to work overtime. |
|
You should do what your mother says. |
I choose to do what my mother says. |
|
You should do this work. |
I choose to do this work. |
Choose a Situation
It is more difficult to establish new behavior in a complex situation (more than two people involved), in which you are taken by surprise (have to think on your feet). It is also difficult to change behavior in an ongoing relationship that tests you to the limit, probably because you have a history with that person and each time you see her you are reminded of past encounters.
For all these reasons, choose a simple, two-person situation in the beginning. You want to build on success, so make sure the situation doesn’t have a long history of negative outcomes, and that it will have no effect on important people or objects in your life. For example, don’t pick a situation in which you must confront your boss or another important authority figure. Work up to that with simpler, circumscribed situations such as saying no to a stranger or to the clerk behind the counter of a deli or coffee shop you frequent.
Using Behavioral Contracts
Behavioral contracts can help you be more assertive. They help you structure your behavior in a specific and assertive way. Behavioral contracts are especially useful in family situations, but they can be useful in other situations, too.
Successful contracts include straightforward phrases like “I want,” and direct consequences, such as “I will take responsibility for…” In a family where curfew is a problem, alternative ways to meet curfew could include calling half an hour early to negotiate a new curfew, coming home at a prearranged hour, averaging curfew times, or coming home one hour early in exchange for the use of the car.
Successful contract negotiation requires that you clearly state your goal; for example, “My husband kisses me goodbye when leaving for work.” Keep in mind that it is more constructive to focus on contracts that create new behaviors instead of those that emphasize ending old ones. Just as it’s easier to smile more often than it is to stop frowning, it’s easier to have one meal a week together with the family than to stop eating out alone.
When writing behavioral contracts, also include a specific reward to follow the desired behavior. Here are some examples of such contingencies:
Practicing Assertiveness
The best way to become more assertive is to practice assertive responses in a relatively safe and calm environment. Follow these guidelines for the practice that follows.
Handling Difficult Situations
Even if you are assertive, some people won’t be assertive in return. Assertiveness only allows you to express yourself. It does not guarantee how others will respond to you. They have the right to choose how to react to you, and sooner or later you’ll run into people who put off your request by changing the subject, joking or making fun of what you say, questioning or criticizing your comments, getting emotional or angry, trying to make you feel guilty, or asking why you want what you want.
Luckily there are ways to handle these difficult situations. You’ll find some of them below.
Acknowledging Whenever you receive criticism, an assertive response includes acknowledging the critic’s comment. Some examples are: (1) “You’re right, I am half an hour late for work.” (2) “You’re right, I did misspell a lot of words.” and (3) “Yes, I am late in handing in this report.”
Clouding Clouding is a useful technique when you receive criticism you don’t agree with. Clouding allows you to hold your ground while continuing to communicate with the other person. This approach requires careful listening to what is being said and finding one thing you can honestly agree with, either in part, in probability, or in principle. The idea is to agree with the part of the person’s statement that makes some sense but don’t agree to change.
Other Person: |
“You’re late again. Where are you when I need you?” |
You: |
“That’s right. I am ten minutes late.” |
Agreeing in Part This action allows you to agree in part, but not completely.
Other Person: |
“You always have an excuse for not helping me. What’s the matter with you?” |
You: |
“I do have a lot of responsibilities.” |
Other Person: |
“You don’t seem to be here much anymore.” |
You: |
“You’re right, I guess it seems that way.” |
Agreeing in Probability By agreeing in probability, you are able to maintain your right to your own opinion.
Other Person: |
“Putting on a little weight, aren’t you?” |
You: |
“I may have gained a few pounds.” |
Other Person: |
“Time for you to go on a diet.” |
You: |
“You may be right.” |
Agreeing in Principle Agreeing in principle allows you even more power in the situation.
Other Person: |
“If you don’t study more than you do, you’re going to fail.” |
You: |
“You’re right, if I don’t study, I will fail.” |
Assertive Probing This response gives you time to determine whether criticism is constructive or manipulative, and clarifies unclear comments. The first step in assertive probing is to listen carefully and isolate the part of the criticism that seems most bothersome to the critic. The next step is to ask the critic, “What is it that bothers you about __________________________________?”
Other Person: |
“You’re not doing a very good job here. Your work is not up to par. |
You: |
“What is it about my work that bothers you?” |
Other Person: |
“Everyone else is working overtime, but you waltz out of here at five o’clock two out of three nights.” |
You: |
“What is it about my leaving on time when other people work overtime?” |
Other Person: |
“I don’t like working overtime either, but the work has to be done. It’s not right that you just work by the clock.” |
You: |
“What is it that bothers you when I work by the clock?” |
Other Person: |
“When you leave, someone else has to finish your work. I want you to make sure your work is completed before you leave.” |
You: |
“I see. Thanks for explaining the situation to me.” |
Broken Record This approach is useful when others do not seem to hear or accept what you say, or when an explanation would provide the other person with an opportunity to continue a pointless discussion. It is especially useful for saying no to others’ requests when the other person won’t accept your no. In such cases, follow the steps below.
Step 1: Clarify exactly what the limits of behavior are.
Step 2: Formulate a short, specific statement about what is preferred; avoid giving excuses or explanations since they give the other person ammunition to undermine your original statement.
Step 3: Use consistent body language that supports what you say, including maintaining eye contact, standing or sitting erect, and keeping your hands and arms quietly at the side of your body.
Step 4: Repeat the chosen statement calmly and firmly as many times as necessary until the other person realizes there is no negotiation possible. The first few times a statement is said, the other person may give an excuse or attempt to derive a different answer.
Step 5 (optional): Briefly acknowledge the other’s ideas, feelings, or wishes before returning to the broken-record statement; for example, “I hear you saying you’re upset, but I don’t want to work any more overtime.”
Content-to-Process Shift When the focus or point of the conversation drifts away from the original topic, the content-to-process shift can be used to shift from the subject being discussed (the content) to what is occurring between the two speakers (the process); for example, “We’re off the point now, let’s get back to what we agreed to discuss.”
Content-to-process shift can involve self-disclosure of current thoughts or feelings; for example, “I’m feeling uncomfortable discussing this now, and I notice we’re both tense.” This approach is especially useful when voices are raised and anger is present; for example, “We seem to be getting into a battle about this.” The trick is to comment neutrally about what you observe so that an attack will not be experienced by the other person.
Joining and Circling the Attacker This approach is derived from the martial art of Aiki, in which the attacked person accepts the attack and turns with it, letting the attacker pass in the direction he or she has chosen. You flow with them, harmonize, become the water, not the rock. This works well with people who yell at you. If you yell back, you maintain the anger.
Joining with the Attacker In this approach you offer to help the other person, refuse to take the attack personally, and objectify the conflict between you. By agreeing with the attacker, you provide surprise and temporarily throw him or her off balance.
Other Person: |
“What have you done? This is the worst job I’ve ever seen.” |
You: |
“I don’t blame you.” |
Other Person: |
“What do you mean, you don’t blame me?” |
You: |
“It’s not up to me to blame anybody for feeling the way they do. You’re not pleased, and I can’t quibble with that.” |
Other Person: |
“But you think your work is up to par?” |
You: |
“It can’t be if you’re not happy with it. My job is to work with you. Let’s see if we can’t work on this thing and make it mutually acceptable. What are some of your complaints?” |
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to accurately perceive the feelings and meanings of other people. If you don’t know what your family, friends, or colleagues mean, that can create anxiety. You’ll find some examples of different levels of empathy below. They will help you see where you are with your empathy skills and decide where you want to go.
Empathy provides an emotional mirror for the reflection of other people’s feelings. Empathic people learn to use the words and language of those they care about and reflect feelings and ideas back without assuming they know what the other person means (even when it hasn’t been stated), or judging what the other person says. Advice isn’t given unless it’s asked for, and then only if there has been an attempt to solve the problem together. No behavior is labeled (“That’s crazy,” or “That’s irrational”); instead, the tone of voice or mood conveyed by the other person is mirrored. Reflection of what is heard is presented in a tentative manner, such as, “It sounds as if you’re really anxious,” unless there is no doubt about the matter.
Empathy requires the ability to listen actively and to reflect the essence of the other person’s words. Although listening seems simple and passive, it is difficult to avoid trying to solve other people’s problems for them, telling them what you would do under similar circumstances, or pooh-poohing the problem by discounting its importance (“What are you worrying about? A lot of people have it worse”).
When you listen actively, you make a conscious attempt to listen without any preconceived notions; you try not only to understand the words but also the emotions and body movements of the other person. Active listening is necessary to produce reflective communication that combines the words and emotional content just conveyed by the other person. Reflective communication provides a sounding board that helps other people to clarify their thoughts and feelings and to work out their own solutions.
Here are some examples of low, beginning, and high empathy.
Low Empathy. The other person’s feelings are ignored and their full meaning isn’t grasped.
Example 1:
You: |
You should exercise more. |
Other Person: |
Why? I’m as healthy as you are. |
You: |
You’ll be sorry when you get older. |
Other Person: |
I’m not going to wear myself out. |
You: |
Did you see who won the game? [changes subject] |
Example 2:
You: |
Do you have any information on what’s healthy to eat? |
Other Person: |
You want to lose weight? [makes an assumption] |
You: |
Yes, but after I eat sometimes I feel tired and crawly. I don’t— |
Other Person: |
That’s probably nothing. [interrupting] You worry too much. |
Beginning Empathy. You or the other person conveys an accurate awareness of the obvious feelings and their meaning.
You: |
I’ve been worried all day. |
Other Person: |
What’s your reaction to this? [get more information] |
You: |
Maybe I should go to the doctor and get some pills. |
Other Person: |
You think pills might help. [reflects your opinion] |
You: |
Maybe. They didn’t help before, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s really making me nervous. |
Other Person: |
You’re really nervous. [reflects back your statement] |
You: |
Yeah, I just hope I can find a way not to get so anxious. |
High Empathy. You’re able to communicate accurately and confidently about the current conspicuous feelings of someone else.
Other Person: |
I hate it when you complain all the time. |
You: |
You don’t like it when I complain. [reflects feeling tone of the other person with your tone of voice] |
Other Person: |
Yes. You remind me of my mother. She’s always complaining, just like you. |
Ways to Develop Empathy
There are three approaches you can use to develop more empathy in yourself or others. The first is to practice paraphrasing what the other person says and to ask that person to paraphrase what you say. You can tape-record what is said and compare it for accuracy. Once you identify a lack of active listening, you are ready to work on enhancing your empathy skills.
Another way to develop empathy is to read more information on empathy and its use and discuss how to identify examples of empathy (or its lack) in future conversations. You can also agree to signal each other (hold up a card, a hand, or some other agreed-upon object) when the other person isn’t being empathic.
Relationships and Anxiety
Could your relationships be adding to your anxiety? Find out by answering the questions below. The more yes answers you have, the more your relationships may be adding to your anxiety.
____ 1. My boss is not supportive of me.
____ 2. My colleagues tease or scold me.
____ 3. My boss teases me or disrespects my efforts.
____ 4. I am uncomfortable with at least one past or current relationship.
____ 5. I have at least one person I must deal with at work who is difficult.
____ 6. At least one person in my life does not hear me when I try to speak about what bothers me.
No matter how hard you work to reduce your anxiety, it’s going to be difficult to achieve if the important people in your life sabotage you. Even if that happens, you can still help reduce interpersonal anxiety. Let’s take a look at some statements you could use to gain support from others.
Call a Meeting
Another way to get others in your life to be more supportive of your efforts to reduce anxiety is to call a meeting and ask each person for support. Scheduling a meeting is a good way to work out difficulties with others. Here are some guidelines for calling a meeting.
Increase Positive Behaviors
Many couples, friends, and colleagues use statements such as, “Why don’t you stop…?” Communication experts suggest that instead of making that kind of statement, each of you compile a list of three specific behaviors you would like to increase in the other person.
Compare the following statements:
The first statement is critical, while the second has a positive ring to it.
Compile your own list of three behaviors you want the other person to increase. Make sure you use specific statements; for example, “I would like to increase the time we spend working on this project from fifteen minutes to thirty minutes a day.”
After you’ve both compiled your lists, ask if your items are acceptable to the other person. If not, modify them. When you both agree your requests are reasonable, shift your attention to putting each item into action. Because you both agree and because all of the items are stated in positive terms, you’re both apt to have increased levels of satisfaction with each other.
Find a Like-Minded Group
You can’t change your family, but if none of them is supportive of you, find your own group of like-minded people. Connect with them, spend time with them, and ask them for support for you and your ideas. Once you have this new support group, you won’t expect so much from family members anymore because you will have another source of support. This will reduce your tension when you’re with your family.
Nurture Your Inner You
Do you think of everyone but yourself? When was the last time you treated yourself to something you like? Just like everyone else, you need nurturing. Once we get to be adults, and sometimes even before that, nurturing from others may stop. That’s why you have to develop your own ways of nurturing yourself.
Ask yourself the following questions as a beginning to nurturing yourself:
Spirituality
Spirituality has to do with your relationship with a higher consciousness or power. When you are spiritual, you give and receive unconditional love, and do unto others as you would like done unto you. This kind of love is love without judgment and absolute caring for the welfare of another. Think Golden Rule.
According to Leland R. Kaiser, PhD, it is hoarding resources that creates scarcity in the community. He reminds us that we are all traveling through this life together and we must take care of each other, not act like predators. Think about how you can collaborate with another person to see how you can both get what you need and want.
Spirituality is the unifying force, the essence that shapes and gives meaning to you. It is expressed as a unique experience through and within connections to God, the Life Force, the environment, nature, other people and yourself. Spirituality and religion are not synonymous. Spirituality is a unifying force both within and beyond the self, and an aspect of humanity not subject to choice. It just exists, whereas religion is chosen. Spirituality is connected to values, but not necessarily religious values.
As you enhance your spiritual side, you begin to trust that you have the necessary resources to deal with the unexpected, and to handle anxiety-provoking situations without becoming highly anxious. You will feel your heart opening more easily to people and their concerns, and you will appreciate the interconnectedness of all life. Respecting, appreciating, and caring for the earth and all its inhabitants are elements of spirituality. Doing is the outward, visible expression of spirituality. Doing provides purpose, meaning, and strength, and spirituality is demonstrated through assisting others, being involved in environmental activities, gardening, raising children, participating in church or ritual, and visiting the sick. As your spirituality grows, you begin to experience less fear and more joy in your life, and you inspire others to do the same. You will begin to experience a sense of having everything you need in life, which will free you to get on with meeting your life purpose.
Increasing your sense of spirituality can provide the moral support, peace of mind, self-confidence, courage, hope, forgiveness, love, and faith you need to follow through on your personal anxiety-release program.
As you progress in your spirituality, you may also receive guidance. By connecting to a Higher Power or God, you can draw on this source of greater wisdom and receive answers that you might not have figured out on your own. You will begin to comprehend how all things are connected, how people and countries and even faiths are one. As you do unto the least of these, you do unto God.
You will also learn to “let go and let God.” There are many situations that you cannot control, and to try to do so only increases your anxiety.
You will learn that love is stronger than fear. Most of the anxiety you feel may be due to experiencing separation, which would never occur if you felt united with others.
Ways Spirituality and Religion Can Help
Religious and spiritual ideas can help when you are highly anxious by:
The Downside of Religion and Spirituality
Although religious and spiritual thoughts and beliefs can help you, there is a downside to them.
Whole-Brain Thinking and Spirituality
Whole-brain thinking occurs when the two cerebral hemispheres of the brain unify to create a “whole-brain thinking” pattern. Using whole-brain thinking enhances living, logic, intuition, analytical skills, mechanical reasoning, and artistic ability. It can help you expand your spiritual side.
Experimentation has shown that the two different sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different ways of thinking. Left-brain thinking uses the logical, sequential, rational, analytic, objective side of your brain. It looks at parts. Right-brain thinking uses the intuitive, holistic, synthesizing, subjective side of your brain. It looks at wholes. Your right brain is your cradle of creativity.
Most school activity focuses on your left brain. Although left-brain thinking can be beneficial in many ways, it is this part of the brain that is responsible for worry and anxiety. By moving to whole-brain thinking you enrich brain functioning to a superior level of heightened awareness where spirituality is enhanced. Emotional intelligence is whole-brain thinking. It means understanding your emotions, managing them, and using them.
Here is a simple and very effective exercise to promote whole-brain functioning. Find a quiet spot, collect some paper and a pen (colored ink or felt-tip pens of various colors can add to the experience, as can listening to music that lifts your soul).
You may be surprised at the changes that occur as a result, including opening you to creativity and enhanced spirituality.
Connecting with Your Higher Power (or God)
You can use prayer, meditation, or your own method of connecting with your Higher Power or God. If you like, try the exercise that follows to assist you in your quest.
Signs of Connection with a Higher Power
There are many happenings that can manifest in your life to let you know you have connected with your Higher Power. Some of them are:
Developing spiritually can help you see you aren’t a victim with an anxiety problem but someone given an opportunity to expand who you are and what you can attain. Some new ways to understand life include:
Assessing Spirituality
Use the questions that follow to take stock and assess your spirituality.
If you can’t answer yes to every one of these questions, consider putting more meaning and purpose in your life.
Meaning and Life Purpose
Meaning and life purpose are aspects of spirituality. If you have no meaning or purpose, it can add to your anxiety. Panic sometimes is evoked by the idea that your life has no obvious direction. Feeling trapped in an elevator, room, or house can reflect a deeper fear of being trapped in a dead-end job, relationship, or other confining situations. Phobias may reflect a deeper avoidance of taking risks that are necessary to achieve your life purpose.
Anxiety may not be fully resolved until you take responsibility to give your life a greater meaning. This could mean going to school or starting a business so you can achieve your life’s purpose, or cultivating your special skills or talents.
Finding Your Life Purpose
Take time (at least a full day) to reflect on the following questions:
1. Education. Am I satisfied with the education I’ve obtained? If not, what education or training would I like to obtain? What is the first step toward this goal? What is the date when I will take this first step?
2. Work. Does my current work express what I really want to be doing? If it doesn’t, how would I like to be making a living instead? What is the first step toward this goal? What is the date when I will take this first step?
3. Creativity. Do I have enough creative outlets? What other areas of my life would I like to be creative in? What is the first step toward increasing my creativity? What is the date when I will take this first step?
4. Spirituality. What else would I like to do to develop my spirituality?
5. Life Dreams. What would I do with my life if I had the money and time so I could do whatever I wanted?
6. Life Accomplishments. What would I like to have accomplished by the time I reach eighty?
7. Most Important Values. Things that are most important to me in my life are:
|
____ dedication to a social cause |
____ serving others |
|
____ spiritual awareness |
____ friendship |
|
____ personal growth |
____ good health |
|
____ creative expression |
____ peace of mind |
|
____ material success |
____ happy family life |
|
____ career achievement |
____ intimacy |
|
____ other (please describe):___________________ |
|
8. Realizing My Values. What steps do I have to take to fully realize values that are important to me? What is the first step? On what date will I begin?
9. Undeveloped Special Talents. What steps do I need to take to develop my special talents? What is the first step? On what date will I begin?
10. My Most Important Life Purposes. What steps do I need to take to achieve my most important life purposes? What obstacles do I need to overcome to achieve my most important life purpose? What is the first step? On what date will I begin?
Visualizing Your Life Purpose
If you’re still not sure what your life purpose is, try visualizing yourself achieving your life purpose. What kind of work would you be doing, and with whom? What would your living arrangements be? What would a typical workday look like?
Summary
Reduce anxiety by learning to enhance your relationships, life purpose, and spirituality by: