THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK, we have referred to the fact that everyone has at least one or two core fears or buttons — fears of being abandoned, rejected, controlled, inadequate, and the like. It’s no surprise that such fears have a way of finding their way into the bedroom.
The communication tools and coregulation practices offered in this book can also be applied to your sex life. If a couple does not feel safe together, their sex life will suffer. Physical nakedness and emotional vulnerability are linked. Couples who feel safe sharing both types of vulnerability are more likely to enjoy great sex.
When reactive behaviors like criticizing or withdrawing occur, it becomes harder to feel safe to reach out and express our vulnerable wants. For example, it is quite common for self-protective control patterns to develop when differing sexual rhythms and preferences surface. For instance, if Donna is too tired when Eric is in the mood, this difference can be misinterpreted as rejection by Eric, leading him to pull away and shut down. This may trigger Donna’s fear of abandonment, leading her to start asking questions or engage in some other controlling behavior. Or if Eric’s performance anxiety comes up, he may not be as open to Donna’s sexual overtures. Her fear of abandonment may lead her to criticize or make “helpful” suggestions, thus further triggering his fear of failure.
To feel safe with each other in a relationship, we each need to be able to communicate our vulnerable feelings, fears, wants, and needs — including our sexual feelings and needs. We need to reassure each other that we are safe, accepted, connected, valued, and wanted. An intimate sexual relationship can provide a safe place to uncover and heal core fears. When we can speak openly about our sexual vulnerabilities, this deepens and strengthens our emotional bond.
Let’s use Donna and Eric again as an example of how not doing this can create unnecessary pain and distance between lovers. Recall that when Donna was a little girl, her mother often ignored her when she cried loudly for what she wanted. As a result, Donna came to the unfortunate conclusion that “It’s not safe to ask for what I want.” Now, when she is in bed with Eric, she wants him to kiss her neck and shoulders as part of their foreplay, but she can’t get herself to ask him directly for this because of how that’s gone in the past. So she clams up, afraid that saying something will trigger him to shut down or ignore her.
On one particular occasion, Donna tried to override her unexpressed desire (and accompanying fear) and just enjoy the feeling of Eric’s hands on her body. She couldn’t stop thinking, “Eric doesn’t seem to like it when I say what I like! He just does what he likes. I don’t matter at all to him. He only thinks about himself.” As Donna’s body grew more tense, she finally erupted: “I don’t know why you bother to have sex with me. Do you even feel me here with you? You might as well be doing it with a blow-up doll!” This is a good example of how frustrations from other areas of life can show up unexpectedly in your sex life.
Eric immediately rolled over to his side of the bed and grew silent. His heart was beating fast, and his stomach knotted up. His mind was racing, thinking, “This is hopeless. Why can’t she just trust me and relax? She’s so controlling. Nothing I do is ever enough for her.”
As Eric became more distant, Donna reacted with an another accusation: “There you go into your little hidey hole like a big baby. I feel like I’m married to a two-year-old!”
At this point, Eric got up and left the bedroom. Donna’s fear intensified as her reactive stories erupted about how Eric was just not that into her. As she remained in bed alone, she decided to try to comfort and calm herself using a conscious breathing technique. As soon as her nervous system calmed down, she had a flash of insight: “Oh no, we’re in a reactive cycle. We’re going into the Hole again. He’s triggered, and so am I.”
Stopping the Cycle
This awareness brought her into present time. Instead of remaining caught up in her automatic reaction, she stepped back and saw what was going on. This more aware perspective gave her a sense of inner strength, so she decided to take a risk and see if Eric was willing to repair this upset together.
Donna found Eric in the living room and said, “Eric, I realize I am triggered. I want to call for a pause. Can we go to the sun-room and do our repair process? Are you ready to do that?”
Eric turned toward her, shocked and surprised. He said, “Thanks, but I’m not ready to do that. You can’t just hit me like that when I’m all opened up. I’ll need some time before I feel like talking. I need a longer pause. I have to leave for work in a few minutes.”
This response triggered Donna even more. She felt the blood drain out of her head and into her limbs, as if to prepare for a fight. But somehow, she stayed present to her feelings rather than reacting. She went back to their bed and wrapped her arms around her own body — giving herself a warm hug. She felt the blood pounding in her veins. She noticed the tension in her stomach — the actual physical sensation of a knot in her belly. Her mind blamed Eric for abandoning her when she was most in need.
Then, the sensation of her arms wrapped around her made her realize she wanted to stop focusing on the upsetting stories in her head. She wanted to find a way to get calm and present again. Feeling held by her own arms, she again did her breath awareness practice. Again, she focused on her breathing, sensing with her arms how her abdomen slightly expanded and contracted with each breath.
For a while she struggled to keep her focus on her breathing. Periodically, stories came up in her mind about Eric. Hooked by another story, she got upset and noticed the knot in her belly getting tighter again. She then remembered to focus on her breathing, to put her awareness on sensing her body. She liked that she was able to find a little freedom from the stories by using this breathing practice. This taste of freedom helped her keep returning her attention to her breathing. Eventually, the knot in her stomach loosened again and her mind quieted.
Meanwhile, Eric had left for work feeling upset and angry. He thought: “She thinks she can just shoot me down and then call a pause, and I’ll just jump at the chance to listen to her gripes. Well, not this time. She really played dirty this time. I need to show her that she can’t abuse me like that and get away with it.”
About twenty minutes later, Donna felt calm enough to call Eric on his cell phone — with the intention of asking again if he’d do their repair process when he got home. She began with an apology: “I feel so sorry that I called you a baby and said those other hurtful things. I didn’t mean that, and you don’t deserve it. I was triggered. I was afraid to say what was really going on for me — afraid you would judge me as too needy. Can we talk about this and do a repair when you get home?”
Fortunately, Eric wasn’t too far down the Hole, so he was able to say, “Okay. Sure. I’ll be home around six.”
For the rest of that day, both Donna and Eric had difficulty concentrating on work and the things they had to get done. By the time they saw each other, they were ready to heal this painful incident and get back to feeling in harmony. They could both see how hard it was to feel relaxed and clear-headed when they were in the middle of a fight.
Donna had all day to sit with her deeper feelings and was ready to talk as soon as Eric walked in the door. Fortunately, she was aware enough to see that Eric was not as ready as she was. He had a distracted look on his face. “I could so easily get triggered all over again just seeing that look,” she thought, “but I can hang out with my discomfort a little longer.”
Sensing that Donna was giving him some space before starting to talk, Eric felt a wave of appreciation for Donna. Within a few minutes, he approached her and said he was ready to talk.
Repairing the Rupture
They each filled out a Repair Statement (see chapter 10) and took turns speaking. Donna started, “I’d like to repair what happened this morning when I got triggered. I was secretly wishing you would kiss my neck and shoulders during our lovemaking, but I was scared to tell you that. A story came up in my mind that you don’t care about me, that I’m not as important to you as you are to me. I now see this is a familiar story I play in my mind. I reacted by getting critical and saying things I didn’t mean. But deep down I just felt really shy and afraid that what I want doesn’t matter.
“What I needed more than anything was to feel cared for and connected with you. I’m so sorry I said those hurtful things. If I had it to do over, I would tell you what I was wanting — instead of hiding my wants and hoping you would figure it out. I would have told you, ‘I’m feeling kind of shy right now about letting you know what I want. I love it when you kiss my neck and shoulders. That turns me on when you do that.’ That’s what I wish I had said. I will try to be more courageous in the future and let you know what is really going on inside of me.”
Hearing this vulnerable disclosure from Donna, Eric felt relieved. “When I hear you talk that way to me, I feel close to you. And it’s a turn on! Honey, I want to give you what you want. Please trust this. I care very much about you. You are the most important person in the world to me.”
Then Eric read his Repair Statement: “This morning I was very hurt by what you said. It triggered my ‘I’m not good enough’ button — my fear that I can never get it right or please you. That’s the story I go into — that I can’t do anything right, that I’m inadequate. Then I started into my ‘I’ll show her she can’t treat me that way’ pattern. I reacted by distancing from you. I’m so sorry. If I had it to do over, after hearing your words, I would not just walk away. I wish I had told you, ‘Hearing you say that, I’m triggered. Underneath that, I feel hurt and afraid. It’s my fear of not being good enough. Help me out here. I want to hear what you want from me — without the anger and criticism. I need to hear specifically what you want.’ I really do want to know what pleases you, Donna. I want to learn to love you in all the ways that feel good to you.”
Hearing this, Donna started sobbing. She said, “Wow. Thank you. Hearing that feels so good. I seem to need so much reassurance that my sexual desires are not a bother to you. I am very sorry that I said those nasty words to you instead of telling you what I want. This is a powerful insight for me. I see how quickly I react from fear when I am not getting what I want. Thank you for doing this work with me and for being such a great partner.”
This incident, and the happy way it ended, illustrates some important lessons about revealing sexual vulnerability and the importance of doing repair work. Not only does this repair work bring partners closer together, it also helps heal the fears that lead to triggering. It’s as if each time we successfully recover and repair, we feel stronger and more courageous about speaking honestly in the future, trusting that if things go wrong, we have a way to repair the damage.
Another lesson has to do with sharing feelings and wants during sex: If you’re wishing and hoping your partner will read your mind, you’re in your head instead of in your body or your heart. The more you indulge your mind chatter, the further out of touch you get — from yourself and from your partner. As soon as you become aware that one of your control patterns is taking over, reveal this to your partner in a sensitive, vulnerable way. This will get you back into present time — so you can feel your feelings and ask for what you want.
Body Sensations and Healing Touch
All too often partners suffer in silence, holding on to some ideal picture of what sexual intimacy should look like. When partners can stay open to what they truly feel and want, instead of getting distracted by stories and ideas, then real connection is possible. But real connection may also bring unexpected growing pains. As Donna started asking for the type of sexual loving she desired, Eric’s fears of inadequacy would occasionally be triggered, even by vulnerable requests. For a while, Eric hid his reactions, but eventually his performance anxiety began to affect his actual performance. With increasing frequency, as Donna asked for something, Eric would start losing his erection. This triggered Donna’s fears that he found her too needy and no longer enjoyed being close to her.
As this situation progressed, something unfortunate happened: If Donna voiced anything akin to frustration, Eric would shut down, too ashamed to voice his fear of inadequacy in an honest, vulnerable way. Eric thought that if he confessed his fear, he would be even more unattractive to Donna than he was already feeling. He knew he was unhappy with the situation, but he felt hopeless to change things, so he tried to go through the motions, hoping things would magically improve. But one night, Eric broke his silence: “Honey, I need to pause. I’m getting anxious, like I can’t do it right.” His voice faltered and he looked away, embarrassed.
Because they had repaired their reactive cycle enough times before, Donna immediately recognized that Eric’s fear of not being good enough had been triggered. She put her hand on Eric’s chest near his heart and waited for him to look back at her. Then she said softly, “Eric, I love how you make me feel. You’re my guy. What’s going on inside you, honey?”
After a moment, Eric took a big breath. Taking in Donna’s reassurance, he opened up and said, “I don’t know. Something triggers me when you ask for these new ways you want to be touched. I start worrying I can’t really make you happy. I start feeling this tension in the pit of my stomach, and. . .” Eric’s voice trailed off. Donna, moved by this tender revelation, felt a genuine impulse to reassure him: “Please don’t think I’m being critical of you, Eric. I understand how you might feel those things. And I want you to know that you do make me happy. I love everything you do. Your kisses and your touch feel so wonderful. I really want you to hear this. I am totally happy that you’re my man.” She paused so he could take this in, then asked, “Do you still have that feeling in your stomach?”
Eric said, “Yeah. It’s like a fist in my belly, all tight.”
“Can you show me where you feel that fist? I just want to put my hand there. Would that be alright with you?”
Eric took her hand and guided it onto his belly, keeping his hand on top of hers. Then she said, “Let’s just be with this together for a while, sweetheart, and see what happens.” Eric closed his eyes. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes and looked into Donna’s eyes: “It’s starting to loosen up.”
Holding his gaze, she said, “Good. Can we just stay with it some more. I just want to be with you, whatever you feel, Eric. I’m here with you, honey.” After a few minutes Donna felt him relax and take a deeper breath, and then he said, “It just changed. It’s like the warmth of your hand has melted the tension away. I feel so close to you right now.”
In the bedroom, just like everywhere else, vulnerable expression and open-hearted listening can prevent and heal reactive cycles. In this example, Donna helped Eric using a technique called Sense-Feel-Heal, which is described in the next chapter. There are no more powerful ways to repair ruptures than coregulation, using touch, eye contact, and simple reassuring messages. As we learn to embrace whatever arises in us, our lovemaking supports deeper trust and intimacy.