Quickly Repair Any Relationship Rupture
THIS CHAPTER DESCRIBES the Five-Minute Relationship Repair process to repair ruptures in trust or connection and get back to feeling safe and loving. With practice, repairs can eventually be done in a very short time — five minutes or less. The third step in the Pause-Calm-Repair sequence, repair can start as soon as you have paused and calmed down. Once you are ready to look together at what happened and to take responsibility for your own buttons and reactions, you can engage in the constructive communication that will heal what was triggered and rewire your relationship for more secure functioning.
When you reveal your hurt feelings, fears, and core needs, this creates empathy and connection with your partner. When you each take responsibility for your part in creating the reactive incident, this helps you both relax, put down your sword or shield, and open your hearts to each other.
In the repair process, you each take a turn as talker and listener. As the talker, you accurately describe what triggered you, what vulnerable feelings and fears this brought up in you, and what you really need to feel in order for your fears to be quelled. In this chapter, we provide a Five-Minute Relationship Repair script to guide you in exactly what to say.
As listener, you openly listen to your partner. If you are in the role of the listener before you have had your turn to talk, this can be challenging. Try to remember that once your partner feels heard, he or she will likely be a better listener, which is one benefit of letting your partner talk first. Initially, the best practice is to take turns going first — so that sometimes you start and sometimes your partner starts.
As you and your partner learn and practice this repair process, you will discover it is simpler than you could imagine, and that it actually only takes five minutes to do it well.
The Repair Statement — A Script for Speaking from Your Core
Here is a script for how to talk about a triggering or upsetting incident in a way that can start the repair process. We refer to this as the Repair Statement. While it can take a few minutes or more to prepare, it takes less than sixty seconds to present aloud to your partner.
We highly recommend that you print out the online workbook’s “Repair Statement Script” section (available for free at www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com). Use it for the following exercise and keep some blank forms handy for whenever you need to repair an incident in your relationship. The more you apply this tool on an ongoing basis to your daily life, the faster you will transform your relationship.
For this practice exercise, start by thinking of a specific, recent time you and your partner fell into your reactive cycle. Fill in the blanks to finish the sentences in the Repair Statement below. Either use the reactive incident you identified in chapter 8 (see “Identify Your Reactive Cycle,” page 129) or use a different one. For practice, we recommend you choose an incident that was only moderately upsetting. The same puzzle pieces from the reactive cycle chart are used in the script below. If you are repairing a new or different incident, then identify each piece, by selecting items from the lists in appendix B.
Finally, it is more powerful to keep things simple. The fewer words the better. So in this script, restrict yourself to filling in just one item per blank line. If there is more than one item you could enter, choose the stronger one. For instance, if you could name two core fears in the script below, just put in the one that feels the strongest.
“I’d like to repair something with you. Is this a good time?
“I got triggered when I heard you say (or saw you do) _____________________________________________ [name your partner’s specific words or actions].
“A story came up in my mind that ________________ [describe your reactive story].
“I reacted by __________________________________ [describe your reactive behavior].
“But deep down inside, I felt _____________________ [name your core feeling].
“A fear came up in me that _____________________ [name your core fear].
“What I needed more than anything was to feel _______________ [name your core need].
“I am sorry I reacted that way and would like to take it back.
“If I could do it over again, I would have told you that I was feeling __________________________________ [repeat your core feeling and core fear].
“And I would have asked for reassurance that _________ [repeat your core need].”
The Key Elements of a Repair Statement
At first, as you train yourself in this new way of communication, use the Repair Statement exactly as scripted. Do not improvise as you deliver it — because it’s too easy to slip up and say something that will trigger your partner.
When you deliver your statement, do so slowly, one line at a time. Read each line on the page and deliver it while looking into your partner’s eyes. Watch him or her receive each line before moving to the next. Also, it would be ideal if you and your partner are holding hands or in some other way engaged in supportive touch, like having a hand on the other’s leg. This should place your heads about three to four feet apart, an optimal distance for taking in information through the eyes. If at any point in the process you wish for another form of coregulation — like being hugged or held — you may request that as well.
As you become more confident in this technique, you can vary or adjust the phrasing of the Repair Statement as necessary for your situation. Sometimes, not all of the elements will be necessary. You can also change the order and/or insert requests for coregulation at any point.
Whatever words you use, here is a breakdown of the key elements of a Repair Statement:
1. State your intent to repair.
2. Ask permission to do so now, and if now is not a good time, set up a time that works for both.
3. Report what you heard, saw, and felt.
4. Report what this meant to you, the story that came up in you about what you heard or saw.
5. Acknowledge your reactive behavior, and apologize for it.
6. Name the fear button that got pushed in you, describing what you felt and what you were afraid of.
7. Name your core need or the need you feared would not be met.
8. Explain how you would have acted if you had been more conscious of your core feelings and needs.
9. Ask for coregulation or reassurance that your fear is not true.
Donna and Eric’s Repair Statements
When Donna and Eric started using the Repair Statement to repair reactive incidents, they were amazed to discover that, no matter what their fight seemed to be about, at the root of most upsets were the same core fears and needs.
As an example, one day their reactive cycle got triggered when Eric came home late from work on a night Donna had cooked something special for dinner. Unable to reach Eric on his cell phone, Donna began to worry. She left a message expressing her frustration. By the time Eric arrived home, dinner had cooled off while Donna had heated up.
Walking into the kitchen, Eric offered a casual hello and started sorting through the day’s mail. He didn’t seem to notice the fresh flowers, candles, and their fancy wine glasses on the dining room table. Gesturing toward the table, Donna snapped, “Don’t you even notice all this? All you care about is work!”
Hearing her voice tone and suddenly feeling like leaving, Eric didn’t turn around to look at Donna, who continued: “I’ve been cooking for two hours, making something special for us, and now you’ve completely ruined our dinner. I don’t even want to eat!” She started to leave the room.
Realizing by Donna’s tone and the heavy weight he felt in his chest that their reactive cycle was under way, Eric quickly interjected with their pause signal, “Donna, can we pause? This is our reactive cycle.” Though still frustrated, Donna appreciated that Eric was initiating this request. She calmed down a bit, and as she felt the familiar knot in her stomach, she realized she was triggered. She joined Eric in taking some deep breaths. After a minute of silence together, Eric touched her hand gently, and when she looked up at him and saw his head lowered, she offered, “I love you. We can figure this out together. Let’s fill out our Repair Statements.”
After taking a ten-minute break to do this, they came back to do the Five-Minute Relationship Repair process. They sat face-to-face, knees touching. Donna started, reading slowly from her statement and delivering each sentence into Eric’s eyes: “Eric, I’d like to repair what just happened. I was triggered by you coming home later than expected. I had been hoping to share a romantic dinner together, but when you came home later than usual, and I couldn’t reach you by phone, a story came up in my mind that our marriage isn’t as important to you as your work. I reacted with the accusation that you don’t care about us, that your work is more important, but deep down I was feeling hurt and alone. An old fear of abandonment was triggered in me. What I need more than anything is to feel I matter to you. I’m sorry for lashing out, and I’d like to take it back. I wish I could have just told you, ‘I’m feeling hurt and scared. I think I need reassurance that our marriage is important to you.’”
This statement touched Eric’s heart. He leaned closer to Donna and held her hand. He looked into her eyes and said, “When I think about you preparing that dinner and my being late, I feel sorrow that I did that, Donna. And I’m so sorry that hurt you. Our marriage is very important to me. You matter to me more than anything.” Seeing Donna’s eyes begin to water, he paused and held her gaze. Putting his hand on her leg, he then repeated even more slowly, “Donna, you matter to me — more than anything else in the world.”
Wiping her eyes, Donna smiled. They hugged until they felt each other fully relax. Then she said, “Okay, let’s eat! I think the dinner will still be great. But wait, I want to hear you read your Repair Statement. Can we do that first?”
Now it was Eric’s turn to talk, while Donna listened. He got out his Repair Statement and read it to her:
“Donna, I’d like to repair what happened when I got home. When I came into the kitchen, I was already triggered. Driving home, I listened to your message on my cell phone. When I heard your voice tone, a story came up in my head that I could never get it right with you. I reacted by growing stiff and cold inside, and I tried to think about other things. I was trying to avoid feeling anything. So I didn’t call you back. But deep down, I now see that my old fear of failure was coming up in me, the fear that I’m not good enough. What I need more than anything is to feel accepted and valued by you. I’m sorry I shut you out, ignoring what was happening with you. If I could do it over, I would have called you back and said, ‘When I listened to your voice message, a fear came up in me about not being good enough. I want to feel safe enough to open up and tell you how sorry I am that you couldn’t reach me. I need your help trusting that even if I’m not perfect, you do accept and value me.’”
Donna was so moved by Eric’s repair statement that she reached out, touched his chest, and looked into his eyes for a moment. Then slowly she said, “Eric, I feel so lucky that you’re my guy. I deeply value you, and all you do for our family. I am sorry my reaction triggered you to feel like you weren’t accepted and valued by me. You are wonderful just the way you are. I’m so happy you expressed your feelings. I feel so connected with you right now.”
Over dinner, Eric and Donna discussed how to stay in better contact with each other during the day, so that if Donna was making something special for dinner or if Eric knew he was running late, they wouldn’t wind up in a reactive cycle. Using the Pause-Calm-Repair practice helped them find ways to prevent this sort of misunderstanding in the future.
Listening and Responding with Heart
When you listen to your partner’s Repair Statement, you play a key role in the repair process. How you listen and respond is a crucial ingredient of repair. Without a reassuring response from you, no repair will occur, and the injuries you are trying to heal may deepen.
As the listener, your aim is to understand your partner’s experience from his or her point of view. To do so, it is important that you have already calmed yourself sufficiently and filled out your own Repair Statement. You want to be able to accurately take in and understand your partner’s message and be able to respond from your heart.
In opening up and reading a carefully prepared Repair Statement, your partner is trying to describe an important inner experience to you. Be sure not to interrupt. And offer as much empathy and acceptance as you can. This helps your partner feel safe enough to be vulnerable. It also starts to heal the hurts and fears that were triggered in the incident.
Why do most of us fail in the process of listening? Usually it is because we get triggered by something our partners say or, even more often, by their facial expression or voice tone. Often we do not realize this when it’s happening. So we start to explain, defend, or argue — even if only silently in our own minds. These control patterns clog up the input channels in our brains so we are not open to receive and store incoming messages.
Generally, most people are not very good listeners. This is especially true when it comes to listening to an intimate partner talk about a reactive incident. Listening in an open, undefended way may feel uncomfortable. We might believe if we remain silent, it means we agree with everything we hear. We may fear we will never have a turn to talk. Mastering the fine art of effective listening includes recognizing these vulnerable feelings and reassuring ourselves that we are safe and that we will get our turn to talk.
Whenever you think you might get triggered in a conversation, here are some things that will help you stay open and receptive. As you prepare to listen, get centered, breathe, and relax your body. Use the self-calming tools from chapter 3 to stay grounded and calm. Tune in to your body sensations, and consciously relax anywhere that feels tense. If you do get triggered, ask for a pause. Calm down. Then come back and try again.
To improve your ability to listen, keep in mind that your aim is to find out what is occurring in your partner’s world. This is not the time to correct or dispute things you hear. Remember, you will have your turn next, and your partner will be better able to hear you if he or she feels understood by you.
As you listen, be open and curious. Don’t assume you already know anything. Be like a blank slate. Put all your opinions and needs aside for the moment. You can always retrieve these later, when it is your turn to talk. Right now your goal is to listen. Every time you listen to something that’s difficult to follow or understand, you improve your skill as a listener. The benefits of this will reverberate through all areas of your life.
Repeat Back Your Partner’s Core Feelings, Fears, and Needs
Once your partner has completed his or her message, repeat back the last parts you heard. Specifically mention the core feeling, core fear, and core need your partner revealed. With an attitude of understanding and empathy, say to your partner something like the following:
“What I heard you say was that you felt ____________ [repeat your partner’s core feeling and core fear],
“and you needed reassurance that __________________ [repeat your partner’s core need].”
Use the actual words your partner said, leaving out your own interpretations, stories, corrections, judgments, disputes, and self-defense. Follow your recap with these questions:
“Did I get everything you said?”
“Is there anything you want to correct or add?”
If your partner tells you that you missed something, try again, and do not take this as a failure on your part. It can be hard to recall the elements of a message, especially one that has emotional charge. Research shows that emotional charge will interfere with memory accuracy. So be gentle with each other. Sometimes, as the listener, it takes several attempts to accurately hear and repeat your partner’s message. Often our brains will substitute something we would have felt or needed rather than what we heard our partner say. Do not be surprised by memory problems, especially as you are just learning this tool.
Give a Reassuring Response
Repeating the key elements of your partner’s message — the core feelings, fears, and needs — fulfills the first part of your role as an effective listener. To accomplish repair, the other part is to give your partner the appropriate reassuring response. We call this skill responsive listening.
When delivering a Repair Statement, your partner is revealing core feelings, fears, and needs. If you have been listening with an open heart, you will naturally want to respond in a way that alleviates your partner’s fears and helps him or her feel safe with you.
The most relevant reassurance will come from your knowledge of your partner’s core fears and needs. Even if your partner doesn’t explain these clearly, you may have developed a good sense of what these are by doing the exercises in chapter 8. Try to target your reassurances to these core fears and always deliver your reassurances with friendly eye contact, supportive touch, and a caring, soothing voice tone.
Sometimes, our attempt to be empathetic is undermined by an urgent desire to have our partner hear and understand our own feelings and needs. That will come later when you read your Repair Statement. Right now in the repair sequence, it is your turn to provide reassurances of safety to your partner. Be willing to be the first one to offer empathy, reassurance, and coregulation.
Apologies Are Powerful Healers
Your offer of reassurance to your partner might also include an apology. In Donna and Eric’s example, each delivered several apologies:
“I’m sorry my reaction triggered you to feel like you weren’t accepted and valued by me.”
“I’m really sorry I shut you out, ignoring what was happening with you.”
“I’m sorry for lashing out, and I’d like to take it back.”
Some people find it very difficult to apologize. This can be due to early negative experiences, like being shamed when they admitted they made a mistake. Remember, apologizing is not the same as saying that you are wrong or bad. Saying “I’m sorry” in this context communicates that you care about how your partner feels. You are saying that you recognize the painful emotion your partner has experienced, and you are sorry for any behavior of yours, even if it was unconscious, that played a part or triggered it.
In most cases, the shorter the apology, the more power it has. The most powerful apology of all is to simply say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” The simple directness of this can penetrate deeply into your partner’s brain. It can wire in the faith, perhaps for the first time, that someone cares about his or her feelings. Imagine that your partner’s hurt feeling is located deep inside his or her heart. Your apology is a verbal way to put your hand on his or her heart to soothe that pain. If you want to actually put your hand on your partner’s heart area as you look into his or her eyes and speak, that could be even more powerful. Always keep your words simple and your sentences short.
Note that this is not the time to clarify your intentions, such as saying that you meant to help or didn’t realize your actions would hurt your partner. That would be about you, not your partner. It takes things in the wrong direction and sounds like you are trying to clear your good name or justify yourself.
Your apology can be a vital part of the repair process and a powerful healing tool. It can be like applying a soothing balm to all the hurts from every significant person in your partner’s life. It will start rewiring his or her brain, and your partnership, for safety.
Hearing an apology may be a completely foreign experience to your partner. But it lets your partner know his or her feelings matter to you. This will help you both develop your capacities to be vulnerable rather than reactive. Once you hear your partner’s Repair Statement, and let your partner know what you heard, practice the fine art of apology.
How to Repair with Key Reassuring Messages
By listening carefully to your partner’s Repair Statement, and doing the exercises in chapter 8, you will learn which key reassuring messages are most likely to address your partner’s core needs and fears. This gives you a powerful way to create more safety in your intimate partnership.
Specifically, if your partner has reported core fears of abandonment, of not being important, or of feeling alone, deliver key reassuring messages that will soothe those fears, such as:
You’re the most important person in my life.”
You are more important to me than anything.”
I need you very much.”
I can’t imagine life without you.”
I’ll never leave you.”
You can’t get rid of me.”
I’m in this for the long haul.”
I care deeply how you feel.”
Your happiness is very important to me.”
On the other hand, if your partner reports fears of being inadequate, not good enough, or a failure, core needs probably include the need to feel accepted or valued by you. Soothe any such fears of rejection with reassuring messages like these:
You are great just the way you are.”
I feel lucky to have found you.”
You’re the most wonderful partner in the world.”
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
You are more than good enough.”
You are irreplaceable.”
You are my hero.”
I love you just the way you are.
I appreciate you for all you do for me and us.”
Be alert for opportunities to offer your partner one of these key reassuring messages as a part of responsive listening. Keep your statements simple. Try one phrase and see if it has a strong positive impact. If it does not, try another. Usually there is a particular phrase that will sink deeply into your partner’s brain and heart, and you will see the power of this on his or her face. You are aiming for the right brain, which has rudimentary language processing ability, akin to that of a two-year-old.
Couples therapist Stan Tatkin suggests that eye contact is crucial to the success of reassurance. He recommends that you look into your partner’s left eye as you deliver your key message, as this may reach more directly into the right brain. Make sure you speak slowly. Watch for breathing and facial expressions as signs of how well your reassurance is being received by your partner’s brain. Experiment until you find just the right ways to combine eye contact and supportive touch with your verbal reassurances.
A reassuring message is like dropping a small pebble into the lake of your partner’s nervous system. Watch the ripples and notice how your partner responds. Pause for about twenty seconds. Notice if your partner seems to relax or even melt. Note if eyes water or pupils dilate. If you feel so moved (based on your partner’s signals), repeat the key message again, slowly, with pauses. Repetition will help your partner’s nervous system take in your gift even more deeply.
Common Mistakes in Trying to Reassure
Below are a few common mistakes people make when trying to reassure their partners. These common control patterns can actually trigger a partner even more! Be careful not to slip into these patterns while attempting to reassure.
In reading this list, you might recognize strategies you have used. Have they ever worked the way you intended? Probably not.
Explaining Your Behavior
Trying to explain your behavior to your triggered partner never works — not until you have listened responsively. You may think that if your partner understood what really happened, then he or she would not be upset. But no matter how reasonable the explanation sounds to you, it is only useful to explain things after you have successfully reassured your partner.
Establishing Your Good Intentions
Don’t try to convince your partner that you had only good intentions. You might think that if your partner understood where you were really coming from, then he or she would not be upset, but your partner was hurt no matter what your intentions were. Sometimes it is helpful to clarify your good intentions, but only after you have delivered a key reassuring message.
Telling Your Partner What to Feel
Don’t tell your partner what to feel. Don’t suggest he or she should not be feeling something. Particularly if you have given a particular reassurance before, you may be tempted to remind your partner of this as a way to explain that he or she shouldn’t be upset. You may say, “You already know that I care about you. I’ve told you this so many times.” If upset, your partner most likely needs to hear it again, or it may be that he or she needs a different reassuring message.
It is a mistake to assume that once you have reassured a partner about a particular fear, you won’t need to do so again. Do not expect that saying something once will be enough. Most of us need repeated reassurances. If your partner does not quite take in or believe your attempt to reassure, simply say it again, using the same simple words and a calm, friendly voice.
Making a Logical Case
Appealing to logic, such as trying to prove that your partner has misread you, is a mistake. It is usually used as a way to avoid your partner’s emotions or to talk him or her out of them. This can be another way of telling your partner what to feel. You think that if your partner realized his or her logical error, then your partner would not be upset: “If I didn’t care about you, why would I take you to such a fancy restaurant?”
Using a Tit-for-Tat Defense
A common defense is to try to show that your partner does similar things to what you have been accused of. In using this defensive reaction you may be trying to remove your partner’s justification for being upset: “Who isn’t late? You were late paying the bills last month!”
Switching Roles between Talking and Listening
After you have listened and delivered a reassuring response to your partner, allow a few minutes of silence before presenting your own Repair Statement. This gives you both a chance to get centered and refocused on your intent. It also offers your partner’s brain space to digest and integrate the healing reassurances you offered. This is where rewiring happens. Switching too quickly between the roles of talker and listener can cut short the healing benefits of the repair process.
The talker-listener structure helps you slow down as you discuss important issues or attempt to repair cotriggering incidents. Some discussions require multiple turns back and forth between the roles of talker and listener. Make it your goal to stay calm and open as you continue to trade roles until you both agree that you feel complete.
For easy reference, appendix A presents the full Five-Minute Relationship Repair process, with scripts for both talker and listener. Appendix A can also be found in the online workbook (available at www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com). We highly recommend you print out a few blank scripts and keep them handy to use in your daily life.
Doing a Full Two-Way Repair Process
Now is a good time to practice using this tool to repair reactive incidents in your relationship. In the chapter’s first exercise, you filled out a Repair Statement for a particular past incident. If you are reading the book with your partner, the following exercise will guide you in a full two-way Five-Minute Relationship Repair process.
Print out two blank Repair Statements from appendix A in the online workbook, or copy them from appendix A in the back of this book. Next, each of you fill in your own Repair Statements, per the instructions in “The Repair Statement — A Script for Speaking from Your Core,” page 146.
Decide who will talk first and who will listen and respond. Each of you will have a turn to present your Repair Statement as the other listens. There may be a reason why one of you should go first, or simply make a choice together.
Sit face to face in such a way that you can give each other supportive touch by holding hands, touching knees, and so on. Take a few breaths together to calm and center yourselves. Spend an additional moment sensing how the chair holds you. Gaze into each other’s eyes in silence.
When you both feel calm and ready, start the process by one of you presenting your Repair Statement. As the talker, read each line slowly, delivering it while looking directly into your partner’s eyes. Watch and wait to see your partner take in each line before looking at your script for your next line. If you are the listener, offer your silent presence, curiosity, and empathy to take in what your partner is saying.
Once your partner has finished his or her Repair Statement, you, as the listener, should follow the three steps described in appendix A, “The Reassuring Response,” page 258.
First, repeat the core feeling, fear, and need that your partner just disclosed, and ask if you have missed anything. As you do this, take your time. The more slowly and deliberately you go, the more powerful the process will be.
Next, once your partner feels you understand his or her core feeling, fear, and need, deliver a simple apology like, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Say this while looking directly into your partner’s eyes, and wait for half a minute to see that it is fully taken in. Watch for any facial shifts that indicate you have reached your partner on an emotional level. You may repeat your simple apology to deepen its healing effect.
Finally, offer a reassurance that addresses the core fear and need your partner disclosed. This may be a trial-and-error process. The more you engage in this process, the more you will understand exactly what reassurances your partner needs to feel secure with you. While looking into your partner’s eyes, offer a simple, reassuring phrase like, “You are the most important person in my life.” As in the last step, wait half a minute and watch for facial signs that show you’ve reached your partner. You may deliver this reassurance up to three times for maximum healing effect.
Sit together in loving presence for a minute or more before switching roles.
Congratulations! You have just done a full repair process. It may have taken more than five minutes each, and that’s okay. You are just learning. As you practice more, you will get better and better. Eventually, you will be able to efficiently repair triggering incidents, quickly and completely, and keep your relationship free of emotional baggage.
Initiating a Repair Process
Ideally, you and your partner will be able to use Pause-Calm-Repair whenever a reactive incident occurs. But until you have really mastered these practices, sometimes you may get consumed by reactivity, fall into automatic behaviors, and let a reactive cycle take over. Often this leads to mutual withdrawal. In this case, after calming down, one of you could invite the other to do the repair process.
It can be hard to find the “right time” to do this, especially if you both tend to avoid communicating about upsets and reactive incidents. As incentive, remember how awful it feels to be disconnected from your partner and how good it feels when you connect again through sharing vulnerable feelings and needs. Take the initiative, even after the fact, by saying something like, “I’d like to repair what happened the other day. When are you available?”
After setting up a time, you can both prepare your Repair Statements. Then, before you talk, calm yourselves so you are ready to listen openly, repeat back what you hear, and offer reassuring empathy.
Generally, both partners will always have a chance to talk and listen, but there are a few exceptions. One might be when someone gets triggered during the process. If that occurs, you’ll need a pause to calm yourselves before proceeding. Another exception would be when a reassurance is given that immediately resolves all upset feelings.
When you both feel a sense of completion, remember to acknowledge, appreciate, or physically connect with your partner.
The Best Time to Repair
When is the best time to repair a reactive incident? As soon as possible. Many of us have a hard time speaking up about our feelings and especially about our core fears. It never seems like the right time. If we let triggers slide, however, we get even more upset at the next little thing that happens.
The ideal situation is if you can address a reactive incident while it is happening but before alarms start ringing. Then, instead of engaging in a reactive behavior, you immediately reveal your core feelings and needs and provide reassurance to bring a sense of safety to your partnership. This is a skill you can develop by doing lots of Repair Statements followed by reassuring responses.
Most couples are not able to recover and repair that quickly, at least until they have had quite a bit of practice. Simply vow to repair upsets as soon as one of you realizes you were in your cycle, whether that realization occurs hours or days later.
As Donna and Eric got better at doing the repair process, things that once triggered them into a full-blown reactive cycle started to lose power. For instance, a month after the dinner incident described earlier in the chapter, it happened again: Eric got stuck at work, forgot to call Donna, and arrived home late for dinner. By the time he arrived, Donna was in a triggered state. But she was able to calm herself, and instead of reacting, she went to Eric when he came in the door and hugged him. Then, in a soft voice, she said, “Eric, I’m upset. Could you just listen for a moment and help me clear this? It will help me connect better with you tonight.” Even though he was apprehensive, Eric agreed. “Sure,” he said. “Let’s sit down on the couch.”
As they sat facing each other, Eric moved closer to her and said, “Okay, tell me.”
Donna began, “You came home later than I expected tonight, and when I didn’t hear from you, I felt hurt and lonely, and my old fear of abandonment got triggered. Old stories came up in my head that I am not as important to you as your work. When I’m feeling vulnerable like this, I need reassurance that I matter to you.”
Relieved to hear Donna speak so directly and vulnerably, Eric immediately hugged her, looked into her eyes, and said, “Donna, I’m so sorry. You are way more important than work or anything else. You are number one in my life. I’m so sorry I blew it and didn’t call. I’m so sorry I’m late. I’ll make this up to you. How about I get home early tomorrow night and we go to that new restaurant you told me about?”
Donna smiled, and Eric continued, “Meanwhile, can I give you a foot massage after dinner in front of the fireplace?”
By short-circuiting her own reactive behaviors, Donna set up the conditions for a quicker repair. Eric saw the effort she was making to communicate more consciously. Her gentle self-disclosure inspired him to want to be closer rather than engaging in his reactive pattern of avoidance. Note that, since Donna averted a reactive incident, Eric did not get triggered himself, so there was no need for him to prepare a Repair Statement. Donna was able to ask for what she needed, and Eric was happy to learn what he could do to make things better again. With practice, vulnerable communication can be that simple.
Learning to use Pause-Calm-Repair is the path to overcoming reactive cycles. The key is to keep catching reactive incidents and repairing them as soon as possible.
Rewiring Your Brain with the Talker-Listener Structure
The practices in this chapter require speaking and responding in a conscious, deliberate way. They constrain what you say so that you do not just follow your automatic impulses. This may feel restrictive and artificial at first, and your brain may want to go back on automatic (to reactive communication).
However, what at first feels foreign will gradually become more natural. In changing how you communicate, you are training your brain to think in a more emotionally intelligent way. You are learning to communicate about what really happened versus what your fear thoughts tell you this means. The sooner you start using these tools — especially the Repair Statement — the sooner you will start feeling more connected to yourself and to your partner.
Each time you fill out and deliver a Repair Statement, you are reinforcing the expansion of your emotional vocabulary. Over time, as you fill in the missing pieces in your childhood language training, you learn to communicate from your authentic core, rather than from your reactive survival-alarm system.
This trains your brain to speak more naturally, using this more emotionally effective dialect of communicating from your core. As you communicate better in real time, there will be less need to repair upsets later.
In addition, speaking from your vulnerable core feels juicy. Your ability to express feelings adds excitement and aliveness to your relationship. You both expand your ability to hold a charge, hold differences, or hold space for uncomfortable feelings — without the need to immediately discharge tension by reacting. You experience less cotriggering and more connection. And, of course, vulnerable communication is easier for your partner to hear.
Each time you deliver a reassuring response, you discover how much power you have to heal upsets. This gives you courage to address difficult issues rather than sweep them under the proverbial carpet. You are also installing better brakes into your nervous system, so you can go slower, hear more deeply, and keep a conversation out of the reactive zone.
Each time you use these deliberate ways of talking, listening, and responding, you reduce the power your reactive cycle has over you. You are systematically clearing up the mistaken worst-case stories that your mind has been generating. You see what is really in your partner’s heart, and your partner will have the opportunity to more deeply know and love you.