Chapter 4

Starting up a Conversation in 30 Seconds or Less

You know why conversation is important; you have faced the barriers you have to making conversation; and you have modified your body language to be more inviting. Now, you are ready to actually start making conversation.

According to Bill Lampton, a communications and speech expert, the first seven to 17 seconds of a conversation are the most crucial. This is all the time you have to get the other person’s attention. If you read that last sentence and did not feel even a little pressure, you are obviously a master of conversation who has no trouble walking into a room and talking to people. Every other reader, though, is probably feeling some stress, trying to imagine what he or she can possibly say in ten seconds that is going to be so interesting that their target will want to hear more.

The truth is, the people who do not feel pressure have the right idea. Hundreds of ways exist to get someone else’s attention, and most of them will leave you with time to spare.

Ritual Questions

The easiest way to get someone’s attention is through a “ritual” question, also known as an icebreaker — this is a tried-and-true method of getting some quick piece of information that also communicates a desire to learn more about the person you are talking to. There are three types of ritual questions, all of which can easily draw another person into a conversation.

Dale Carnegie and the 21st Century

One of the first forays into improving conversation is the book titled How to Make Friends and Influence People, written by Dale Carnegie and published in 1936. The book was well-received in its time, and many of its principles can be applied to talking with other people. Some of the principles he espouses are well-tested, like not smiling when you meet someone to condemn, criticize, or complain when talking to others. Some principles, on the other hand, have to do more with your overall attitude toward society, such as “become genuinely interested in other people.” Why would you continue to talk with people if the thought of having to listen to someone else bores you to tears?

Carnegie also says to admit when you are wrong, and to do it quickly and emphatically. Thus, How to Make Friends and Influence People is likely disliked immensely by congressional representatives everywhere.

Asking about an object

The first type of ritual question works by noticing something the person is carrying, like a book, a pet, or a sport or fashion accessory. Ask a ritual question that requires the other person to give you some information that relates to that item. Something like, “Where did you get your dog?” or “Where do you play tennis?” are sample ritual questions you can use.

These questions can be applied to almost anything the person is carrying. Some items, like musical instruments, are practically an invitation to ask the person about how long she has been playing, the kind of music she likes to play, and her favorite artist. Other items, like photographs, are subtler because they are usually more personal to the person. Regardless, asking a ritual question based on something someone is carrying is not meant to pry or obtain information; it is a way to show interest in the person.

Situational questions

A second type of ritual question depends on the situation you both find yourselves in. If you are both at a dance, you can ask the other person about what he thinks of the music, or the kind of music he likes to dance to. If you are at a non-franchise restaurant and are waiting in line with someone else, you can ask what he thinks of the restaurant’s food and whether he has any recommendations.

This type of ritual question can be combined with the first type of ritual question, particularly if you are somewhere like a movie theater or bookstore. Asking what someone is reading is an excellent conversation starter, as is asking if the bookstore or movie theater is the best one in the area.

Another great way to use this type of ritual question is to offer assistance to someone, provided he needs help. Mention that he looks as though he needs help first, then offer your assistance. As an example, you live in an apartment complex and see someone unpacking his car and taking suitcases into the complex. You could say, “I noticed you looked like you needed some help unpacking your car. I live in this complex; would you like me to help you out?” Alternatively, you could start by asking if he is a new tenant, and then say, “Well, I happen to live here, too. Let me help you with unloading, and I can tell you about the complex itself while we are working.”

If you cannot think of anything else, a ritual question that is good in any situation is to ask someone whether he is new in the area. This almost always results in a good conversation starter, as you can then ask him about how long he has lived in the area, or what brought him here.

When asking a ritual question based on the situation around you, remember to focus on positive points, rather than negative. Starting a conversation with a ritual question usually leads to a conversation that consists of griping, and while it is therapeutic to occasionally spill your guts to someone, you do not want to do it with someone you just met. After all, what do you want to be remembered as — that great person who was such a joy to talk with while waiting in line for the movies, or that person who held the view that most romantic comedies are just formulaic money-makers for big-name stars?

Questions about the person

The third kind of ritual question is to focus on something interesting about the other person. This is one of the most useful types of ritual questions because it could be anything — the latest model smart phone, a particularly nice piece of clothing or dress, an interesting hairstyle, or even a model Godzilla figure. This ritual question is sure to get anyone talking to you, so long as you start with a compliment. Unfortunately, all too often a question about something can be perceived as either a compliment or an insult, and the usual reaction of people who are not sure why you are asking about something is to give a guarded response. A compliment gives the other person a clear signal that you like whatever it is you have noticed, and that you are interested in learning more.

Some ritual questions, based on the above points of interest, could go as follows:

“Oh, you have a smart phone! I have always wanted one of those. What is the greatest advantage to having that particular model?”

“That is such a nice dress! Where did you buy it?”

“I really like your tie. Where did you get it?”

“That is a very nice hairstyle. How long did it take to get it done?”

“I love the detailing on that Godzilla figure. Where did you buy it?”

Note that all these questions, in addition to taking fewer than ten seconds to ask, have another thing in common — they are open-ended. They cannot be answered by a simple “yes” or “no,” the way closed-ended ritual questions can.

While closed-ended questions are usually not conducive to conversation, they can be used to make the person you are trying to talk to feel more at ease. Closed-ended questions can be advantageous because initially they are not prying. Asking several closed-ended questions in a row, however, can feel like prying and can make the conversation extremely awkward as well. How many times have you had a conversation that went like this:

You: “Hi!”

Other person: “Hi.”

You: (noticing she has a book) “How is your book?”

Other person: “Fine.”

You: (starting to feel awkward) “What kind of book is it?”

Other person: “It is a mystery.”

You: (casting about for any topic that can save this conversation) “Is it part of a series?”

Other person: “No.”

Notice that in this conversation, all the questions were closed-ended. The other person could answer most of them with one-word answers, which she did.

When you use closed-ended questions, follow them up with open-ended questions that give the other person a chance to expand on her previous answer. Here is an example, based on the previous conversation:

You: “Hi!”

Other person: “Hi.”

You: (noticing she has a book) “Hey, is that book good?”
[closed-ended question]

Other person: “Yes.”

You: (glancing at the cover): “It looks like a spooky book. What is the name of it?” [closed-ended question]

Other person: “The Hound of the Baskervilles. It is a Sherlock Holmes mystery.”

You: “I love Sherlock Holmes! I have read the short stories about Sherlock Holmes, but I have never had the chance to read The Hound of the Baskervilles. What is it about?” [open-ended question]

Other person: “So far, it is about a man who wants Sherlock to stop a hellhound from killing Sir Henry Baskerville, whose family apparently suffers from a curse that has been killing them off for hundreds of years.”

You: “How does it stand up to some of the other Sherlock Holmes stories?” [open-ended question]

Other person: “Well, I think…”

Notice that the first couple of questions were closed-ended ritual questions, focusing on the book and asking for information. Once the person had given that information, you could then pay a compliment about the book and ask open-ended questions about the details. From there, the conversation can go anywhere. You can ask the other person if he or she loves mysteries in general, or even talk about some of the books you like.

Sample open-ended questions

If you are unused to holding a conversation, you might feel as though you are intruding on someone by asking an open-ended question. In truth, however, most people like sharing information about themselves. It makes them feel important. Also, people can give an indication of how willing they are to talk when they answer these questions. If someone gives short answers, even if you ask an open-ended question, it is a clear signal that she or he does not want to talk. On the other hand, if someone gives a long answer to a close-ended question, you can rest assured that he or she would like to talk with you.

Case Study: The Joys of Being a Conversationalist

Marilynn Francis

Salesperson in the Hospitality Industry

mlfranc@indian-creek.net

Listening to Marilynn Francis, one gets an idea of the joys of becoming an expert conversationalist, even though she describes herself as being “somewhat shy.”

“Socially, I have met fabulous people whom I would not have known otherwise, had I been afraid to talk to others,” she said. “I find that just being very open and interested in everything going on around me enhances my day-to-day life.” As an example, Francis talks about a conversation she struck up with a man in the check-out lane of a supermarket. “We laughed and had a great few minutes. I am sure I will never see him again, but I had a blast that day in line at the store.”

However, Francis is not just a conversationalist because she enjoys it. As a salesperson, conversation is essential to her line of work. “Being a good conversationalist has really helped me dig deep with my clients to determine their needs and requirements so I can meet that need and get their business,” she said. “I would call many of my clients friends.”

What has been Francis’s secret in learning how to talk to people? “Building my own confidence has been most helpful to me. I think that many people are afraid to talk to other because they fear that what they say isn’t important enough or interesting enough.” In order to conquer this fear, Francis challenged herself to talk to everyone she could, whenever she could. According to her, “it also helped that I have such a great interest in other people that I wanted to talk to see what they were about. Sometimes I have to be careful, though — it is a fine line between being interested and being nosy.”

In order for people to practice their skills at conversation, Francis recommends practicing with family and friends as much as possible. “Try to think outside the box and find topics that are different from the usual ‘How was your day?’ fare,” she said. “Keeping up with current events and staying intellectually active help as well because you learn to think on your feet when talking with people.” Francis also recommends stretching your conversational skills by drawing out people whom you do not know, such as grocery store clerks, folks at the dry cleaners, and people on the telephone when you call tech support.

The biggest hurdle Francis finds when trying to start a conversation is non-responsiveness. “If you only have one shot at making conversation with someone who is non-responsive, patience and an easy manner work best,” she said. “Allow small periods of time when your attempts at general conversation lapse to give the other person time to relax a bit. It is always helpful if you can attempt to inject some humor while at the same time are very careful that the humor is most appropriate.”

Situations in which you feel like a stranger or out of your depth are another hurdle. “Be patient and look for any common ground that could be used to begin a conversation,” Francis said. “If needed, be on the lookout for ways to segue into more familiar territory. I find that when I am in a conversation that might be ‘over my head’ in some way, asking questions and being interested in learning something from the person helps very much. It is helpful to remember that most people generally respond to sincere interest in who they are and what they do.”

Francis does not have a huge repertoire of opening lines. Instead, she takes a more Zen-like approach. “I think the easiest way to start a conversation is by first evaluating or understanding the situation you find yourself in,” she said. “Then, based on the type of situation, I gear my mind accordingly and start looking for areas of common ground that could be used for a conversation starter. I also find that simply saying ‘hello’ and introducing myself works well, too. It’s all about being ready to think on your feet and out of the box.”

When in a conversation, Francis wants the other person to feel “that there is nothing I would rather do than talk with them, if at all possible.” According to her, she uses body language to show interest, such as “making good eye contact, nodding my head appropriately to show understanding, smiling encouragement, and standing at the appropriate distance for the situation.”

How to Respond When Someone Approaches You

Of course, all this advice about approaching people and starting up a conversation assumes that no one at a social gathering is going to come up and try to talk to you, which is hardly fair. After all, you have been practicing keeping your body language open and inviting, right? You smile, keep your arms at your sides, and now someone has taken you up on your nonverbal invitation. You keep smiling at him, but deep inside, your heart is beating hard enough to shatter your rib cage. How do you respond? What do you say to help keep the conversation going?

This part of the book is aimed at answering all those questions.

Non-verbal greetings

When someone approaches you to talk, it is normal to feel some stage fright, especially if you are not accustomed to talking with other people. This may result in your unconsciously closing off your body language — your smile disappears, and your arms wrap tightly around your body as though they were in a straitjacket. This sends out a mixed message to the instigator — and that is the best-case scenario. At worst, the other person might think your mood has changed specifically because she is talking to you. You may have inadvertently insulted her without even realizing it.

Instead, when someone approaches, act as though she is an old friend you have not seen in years. Open your arms a little more to encourage your conversation partner to get closer; broaden your smile, and no matter which direction she approaches you from, turn so that you are completely facing her. When you do this, you are sending out the unmistakable signal that you are happy to see this person, and that you are willing to give her your full attention. Even if she does not react, she will feel flattered that you are giving her so much attention.

Give out free information

Free information is pretty straightforward — it is the information we give out without being asked. You may be thinking this is encouraging you to be overbearing, but really you are not. You are just supplying more material for the conversation.

The best way to give out free information is to include it with your answer to a closed-ended question. When someone asks what you do for a living, for instance, do not just say, “I am an accountant.” If you do, it is up to the other person to ask more questions about the company you work for, the kind of accounts you handle, and in general dig around until he finds a topic about which you are passionate.

Instead, embellish a little. Talk about what your hobbies are, or mention a unique aspect of your job that your conversation partner can ask you about. You can say “Well, I am an accountant, and I build furniture in my spare time,” or say “I am an accountant, and I investigate other companies if I think someone has been embezzling funds.” Not only have you set your partner up with a ready-made topic perfect for you to chat about, but you have also directed the course of the conversation to a topic that, hopefully, you like to talk about.

For those of you who are curious, it is indeed possible to give out too much free information. If someone comes up and asks how you are doing, saying anything other than “fine” is usually too much information. You will also want to restrict how much free information you give out, at least initially. If you are worried about giving out too much information, restrict yourself to giving out two factoids per each closed-ended question.

If you happen to be at a loss for giving out free information, look at the following chart for some ideas:

Free-information guide

If you are asked about….

Give out free information regarding…

Your job

Your responsibilities, your hobbies

Your hobbies

How long you have been practicing your hobbies

Whom you know at the event

How you know the people at the event

The book you are reading

Why you decided to read it

Music you like

Certain bands and the last concert you went to

What are you drinking

Why you chose that drink, and whether you think it was mixed well

Where you live

Why you like living there

Your cell phone

The cell phone’s features

Well Hello, Mister…

In the world of conversation, remembering a person’s name is like trying to juggle fine crystal: It is hard to do, and if you fail, you have lost something valuable. According to interpersonal communications skill trainer Don Gabor, the fact that you only have five seconds to remember a person’s name during the introduction only adds to the pressure.

The secret to remembering names is to focus when you are introduced. When you and your conversation partner are introducing yourselves, follow these steps:

1. Give the person all your attention during the introduction. Look at her and try to memorize her features. As you are shaking her hand, extend the connection between you by keeping her hand in yours for just a little bit longer than normal, although not enough to make her nervous. Putting on a friendly smile while you do this will also help to put her at ease.

2. Listen for the name. Do not do anything else except listen. You may want to focus on how you will continue the conversation after the introductions are done, but for right now, stay in the present and listen for her name. The nice part about this step is that you can ask her to say her name again here without feeling awkward. If she has a name you are not familiar with, ask her to repeat it.

3. Next, say the other person’s name back to her. This will help to cement the word in your memory, while at the same time let the other person know you have her name right. It also sends a verbal signal to the other person that you think she is important enough that you are making a visible effort to remember her name. Finally, the more you repeat her name, the better you will be able to remember it. If you are really concerned about whether you will remember someone’s name, you can simply phrase your reply so that you repeat the name an extra time, such as, “Rosita. Well, I’m Fred. Pleased to meet you, Rosita.” This should kickstart your memory for the name, which leads into the next step.

4. Lock the name into your memory through association. Association is one of the most powerful mnemonic tools human beings have, and it is time to put it to work for you. One way to associate the name is to remember a prominent feature. This feature does not necessarily need to be flattering, since you are not going to tell the other person about it. Then, imagine the first letter of the person’s name stamped on that feature. If you find the person’s face distinctive enough, you may just want to stamp the mental letter on your image of their face instead. Another good tactic is to come up with someone who shares the other person’s name. If the other person you meet is named Luke, for instance, you can think of the Gospel of Luke, Luke Skywalker, or Cool Hand Luke. It does not matter what the image is, as long as you associate the other person with it.

5. Finally, use the other person’s name as you talk with her throughout the conversation. You do not want to be obvious about it, of course, but when you are addressing the other person, use their name. For example, you can say, “That is a good point, Luis,” or “Lucy, could you tell me the name of the drink you are sipping?” This will continue pounding the name into your memory, and at some point, you will realize it has stuck.

If you follow each of these steps, you will have spent the first four seconds training yourself to memorize the other person’s name, and the rest of the conversation making sure you know it. Now all you have to do is decide whether or not you want to share this technique when someone comes up to you and asks how you became so skilled at memorizing names.

Turn the Spotlight Around

While it is nice to be the subject of attention, do not forget that conversation works best when both people are sharing information. At some point, if the other person has not made an opening in the conversation to talk about himself, you should turn the spotlight around so it shines on him. While you can be direct about it, people are usually conditioned to be shy when someone asks them about themselves, or at least initially. So saying “Enough about me. What do you do for a living?” will probably get you a short answer from your conversation partner — and not much else.

If you want to get someone to accept the spotlight, turn the conversation to a topic about which he is passionate. This mostly just requires listening. If the other person appears to be passionate about a subject, or if he makes an off-hand mention of something that seems out of place, explore it. For instance, if the current conversation topic is about the weather and the other person says, “Yeah, this kind of weather can be really hard on pets,” you can reasonably assume that he has a pet of some kind and that the weather is bad for whatever pet he has. If you respond by asking him if he has a pet, you have successfully turned the spotlight around to shine on him, and he will respond by telling you all about his beagle, and how it is frightened of thunderstorms.

Sometimes, though, listening for clues fails. You may miss the significance of what someone has said, or your questions get those short, lacking-in-free-information answers that can be so hard to build on. Conversationalist Leil Lowndes has developed the perfect last-ditch resort to use during those times when you cannot think of anything else to say. It is very simple to use: Just take the last word or phrase the other person used, and ask it as a question.

In the previous example, if the person you were talking to said that the weather was hard on pets, just say “Hard on pets?” This will be interpreted as a request for more information, and the other person will be happy to oblige. He will tell you all about how thunderstorms are hard on dogs, especially beagles, one of which he owns. If he stops there, say, “You own a beagle?” and he will be off again, telling you all about his dog, and how he is a great hunting dog but kind of nervous in the suburbs because he has nowhere to run around. From there, you can talk about dogs and suburbs, or you can get him to go on by asking “He has nowhere to run around?” and let your partner continue on.

This technique can also be used to pry someone out of a closed answer when you want to start a conversation. Let us say you are at a business convention and decide to talk to a woman sitting by herself. However, be careful to not sound patronizing, and avoid sounding like a parrot. You walk up and ask what she thinks of the convention so far. “It is OK,” she says.

“It is OK?” you repeat back to her.

“Yeah,” she says. “I have been to better conventions, but this one is not bad.”

“You have been to better conventions?” You repeat back to her.

“I have,” she says. “There was this one time, in Denver…” and the conversation continues from there.

As you have no doubt realized by now, getting someone’s attention and beginning a conversation with him is an easy task. You have got several different ways to do it, and the topics you can use are almost endless. Now, if there was only some way to keep the conversation going…

My Name is…

At some point in the conversation, you are going to need to introduce yourself. This is not an easy bit of information to work into a conversation, which is ironic when you think about how important a name is to someone.

Introducing yourself at the start of a conversation is usually acceptable, but it can be awkward. There are very few good segues from an introduction to a conversation topic, and besides, it smacks of the elementary school greeting, “Hi, my name is so-and-so. Will you be my friend?” A kid can get away with that kind of honest desperation, but as an adult, you cannot be that emotionally open with a stranger.

The best way to introduce yourself is to do it early on in the conversation, when it is your turn to speak. After the other person has finished, just say, “By the way, my name is…” and tell them. The other person will introduce herself in return, then you can get back to the topic at hand.

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