Chapter 6

Exit Stage Left — How to Leave a Conversation Gracefully

Leaving a conversation just might be more difficult than starting one. Most conversations end awkwardly, as though the initiator is somehow apologetic about having to do other things. If you happen to work in an office, pay attention to the conversations that are going on around you. You will probably, at some point, hear a conversation that ends like this.

Coworker A: “I’ll have to check that Web site out!”

Coworker B: “You should. It’s hilarious!”

(Three seconds of clearly uncomfortable silence)

Coworker B: “Yeah, so… I should get back to work now.”

Coworker A: “Yeah. Me too.”

Coworker B: “OK… See you later.”

The way this conversation ends is lacking in a number of ways. For one, it is awkward. It comes after an uncomfortable silence during which both parties realize they have nothing more to say to each other. Finally, Coworker B tries to end the conversation, but the way in which he does it seems as though he is trying to come up with something else to say before he just admits he needs to leave the conversation and get back to work. In fact, Coworker B comes off as apologetic with that line, as though he were imposing on Coworker A by talking to him.

You do not want to end a conversation like that. Instead, you want to leave on a high note, with everyone involved feeling fulfilled about the conversation and wanting to speak to you again. In this chapter you will learn all about when to leave and how to leave, as well as different exiting strategies.

Leave ‘Em Wanting More

By far, the most important aspect of leaving a conversation with a good impression is knowing when to bow out. The most common mistake people make when trying to bow out of a conversation is waiting too long.

You can feel when this happens. The conversation devolves into awkward silences, punctuated by you or the other person trying to say something that will kick-start the conversation again. Several romantic comedy movies have captured this moment, which usually leads to the characters either walking away from each other with glances of longing or moving in for a kiss. Unless you know you are in a romantic comedy, you should avoid either of these outcomes.

According to some experts on communication, the best time to end a conversation is when both of you have communicated your views to each other, or when you feel that the time is right to finish the conversation. The problem with this view — one you may have already considered while reading that sentence — is that you have no idea how to determine when both of you have finished expressing yourself. Many times you will only know when you have finished communicating your point of view after you are already finished. Now, if it is hard for you to know when you have finished getting your point of view across, how will you know when the other person is finished getting her point of view across?

This seems like a huge oversight, but the real reason most conversation experts overlook this is simple — knowing when you have finished communicating your point of view is absurdly easy. However, the reason most beginning and intermediate conversationalists fail to realize when this point is reached is because they are focusing all their concentration on other aspects of the conversation. Understanding the other person’s point of view, presenting your point of view, considering rebuttals, and actively listening can occupy a lot of your concentration, especially if you are new to the art of interpersonal communication. Being able to take a step back from your train of thought to see if it has reached its destination requires a level of Zen mastery that seems to evade even those conversation experts who have mastered it.

When you are in the middle of a conversation, take a second or two while the other person is talking and ask yourself what you want to say. This does not have to be an argument. You could be talking about your love of a recent movie, or your thoughts on some current event. No matter what the topic is, you will know when you have finished what you want to say because you will not be able to think of something else to say after the other person is done speaking. If that sounds too simple to be a legitimate tip, just consider how many times you have been in a conversation and have run out of things to say. You may think that this advice flies in the face of previous advice on listening to people, but it does not. All you have to do is take a second when the other person is talking and consider what you want to say next. You will do this anyway, probably without thinking about it. The trick is to consciously be aware of what you want to say next. Once you have reached the point where you realize you have no idea what else to say in the conversation, you will instead be able to start thinking about the best way to leave. Once you know that you have finished expressing your views, give the other person a chance to get her point of view across. Then you can make your exit.

Aaaannnd, Time

You may be wondering if there is any shortcut to figuring out if the conversation is coming to a natural end. If you absolutely cannot gauge whether or not your train of thought is arriving at the station, give yourself about 15 minutes. This is a good amount of time for most small-talk conversations, and once that time is up you can start thinking about the best way to make an exit. Most conversations do not last exactly 15 minutes, however. You run the risk of cutting off the conversation too early, or of finishing the conversation before the 15 minutes are up.

The Framework Finish

Compared to figuring out when to end the conversation, knowing how to end a conversation is relatively easy. A simple four-step process will see you through most exits, and leave people impressed at your savoir-faire.

After you have used this formula a few times, you may want to vary the process a bit — so go ahead. When you add your own personal touch in, not only will you make the process more comfortable for you, but you will also make the process uniquely yours. In fact, when you are really comfortable, you may want to come up with your own tricks for leaving a conversation, and that is fine, too. In fact, all you really need to remember in order to leave a conversation with style are these two guidelines: Take control of the conversation, and let the other parties subtly know you are going to leave.

The first step in leaving a conversation with finesse is to reiterate the other person’s ideas. This not only sends a subtle message that you do not want to discuss any additional factors in the conversation, but also provides a reassuring ego boost to the other person, letting him know that you were listening and paying attention to his ideas. You may also want to refer to something concrete the other person mentioned, like a specific place or book. The best subject on which to end a conversation is the one where the conversation really started to take off. This may seem like a difficult piece of advice to follow, but the truth is that if you bring up the main topic on which the two of you were talking, you will be fine.

Next, tell the other person that you enjoyed talking with him. This is a vital part of the conversation-ending process. Do not sound apologetic that you have to leave the conversation, and do not undercut your interaction by saying anything to the effect that you wasted the other person’s time, or that you have been doing something wrong by talking to him. If you happen to feel that you are wasting someone’s time by talking to them, you might want to revisit the self-esteem section in Chapter 2.

While saying you enjoyed talking with someone is usually the best way to close out a conversation, sometimes it can also be uncomfortable. After all, if the conversation was so good, then why would you like to leave? In order to get around this, you may want to devote a sentence or two to explain why you are leaving. Here are a few possible reasons you can give as to why you want to leave the conversation:

When giving an excuse to exit the conversation, do not lie to the other person. Few things will damage your credibility more — not to mention your relationship with the other person — than giving a reason to leave that turns out to be false. Remember: You are giving an excuse so the other person is aware that your leaving the conversation is unrelated to the quality of your time together. If you are in the kind of situation where you feel you must lie in order to get away, you should instead be reading the chapter on difficult conversations.

Once you have made clear that you are closing out the conversation, you might want to bring up the possibility of talking to the other person again, but only if you really want to. When you tell someone you want to see them again, make sure you offer up specifics. Most of the time, when someone says, “We really must chat again,” without offering a specific time and place, the sentiment is often insincere. Instead, say something along the lines of, “Let us get together sometime in the next week or so. Are you free for lunch next Thursday?”

The final part of the process is to say goodbye, which is pretty simple. Simply use whatever parting words you feel most comfortable with, along with the other person’s name. Make sure you keep up the eye contact and smile. If the situation calls for it, you might want to slip in a handshake. A handshake that turns into a one-armed side hug may be used, but only if you know the other person extremely well.

The one thing you should not do when saying goodbye is to draw it out. You may be tempted to do so, but remember that if you keep it short, both you and the other person will end up wanting just a bit more from the conversation. Consider that bit of longing to be a “starter” emotion the next time you two get together.

Here is a good example on how to leave a conversation while you are at work, shown by those two tireless thespians, Coworker A and Coworker B, playing the roles of Doug and Jane, respectively:

Doug: “…so that is why I switched to drinking soy milk.”

Jane: “Wow, that is really interesting, Doug! You’re saying that cows are forcing their bodies to make their milk more toxic as a way to revolt against their human masters?”

Doug: “Exactly! I know it sounds odd, but it’s pretty plausible when you stop to think about it.”

Jane: “I’ll have to check out that book you recommended on the topic, Holy Cow: The Poison Milk Plot. As for now, I have to get back to my cubicle.”

Doug: “Okay, I will see you around, then.”

Jane: “Hey, could we get together for lunch next week to discuss this more?”

Doug: “So long as it’s not a steakhouse.”

Jane: “No problem. I’ll talk to you later, Doug.”

Doug: “Later, Jane.”

Case Study: A Down-to-Earth CEO Shares his Secrets

Tim Mort

CEO of Tournament Golf Solutions

Glfguy123@charter.net

Tim Mort is well-aware of the power of words. When he was 6 years old, he and his adopted mother went out selling Fuller Brush supplies door to door so Tim could go to summer camp. “That experience created and and ingrained in my ability to become someone who could start a conversation in 30 seconds or less,” Mort said. From that point forward, he used his conversation skills in a variety of different jobs. Mort was a public address announcer at the same time he was a salesperson, a national marketing director, a real estate salesman, and the current CEO of Tournament Golf Solutions. His style of speaking is straightforward and down-to-earth.

According to Mort, the main thing to remember when having a conversation is that “unless you are having a conversation with yourself or a higher power, it takes two or more to have a good conversation. Therefore, one of the most important things to remember is to be a good listener,” he said. “There is nothing worse than being in a conversation and it is apparent the other person is thinking about what they are going to say to you next, instead of listening to what you are saying.” When talking to someone, Mort always keeps eye contact and shows true interest in the person to whom he is speaking.

When Mort wants to start a conversation, he puts a smile on his face and compliments the other person, asks a question, or asks permission to ask a question. After that, according to him, you have “instant openness” from the other person. Mort has several subjects he thinks are good for making small talk. These include weather, geographic location, current events, breaking news, sports, and fashion. “Be careful not to lend too strong of an opinion until you know where the other person is coming from or what his opinion is,” Mort said. “Also stay away from controversial issues.”

Like many people, Mort sometimes has trouble remembering names. However, if he forgets a name, he has a unique method to help him get by, which he learned growing up in Pennsylvania. “I use the words, ‘Hey you,’ or ‘How you doing?’ or ‘What’s up, man?’ It’s barbaric, I know, but somehow I am able to pull that off.”

Though Mort easily slips into a conversation with other people, he is more careful about when he divulges personal details. “We as a society thrive on juicy information,” he said. “This is a great situation to remember the old saying, ‘Loose lips sink ships and reputations.’ Why in the world do you think people would want to know personal information about you, anyway? Ever hear of opening Pandora’s box?” Mort feels safe revealing personal information after the person he is talking to has divulged some personal details of his own.

Even though Mort is straightforward when he starts a one-on-one conversation, he is more circumspect when joining a conversation that is already in progress. “Make sure you’re listening as the parties converse so you know the subject of their conversation, then, during a lull in the conversation, ask a question of the person who seems to be leading it. If you can’t determine who the dominant person is, then ask a pertinent question that can be answered or offered up by anyone involved,” he said.

One of the biggest helpers for Mort when learning to talk to people is being aware. “Educate yourself to fit into a situation,” he said. “If you’re going to a football game and you don’t know anything about football, do a crash course on the computer before you go.” In order to practice your skills at conversation, Mort recommends practicing conversation skills with friends or pretending to hold a conversation while standing in front of a mirror. In order to meet new people, Mort says, “If you want to meet people who have things in common with you, then it only makes sense to go to places they will also go.”

How to Leave a Group

Most of the time, simply following the process will be enough to leave any conversation on a high note. However, at a social gathering like a convention or the office Christmas party, sometimes it can be awkward. Part of the reason is that you will end up talking as part of a group as often as you will be talking with someone one-on-one, with an increase in difficulty as you try to come up with a way to leave that ensures you leave on a high note with everyone. The mere thought of doing this is enough to convince some people that they will never talk to more than one person at a time in order to avoid this unpleasantness.

Fortunately, several techniques can be used to leave conversation, ranging from those where you can simply slip away from the group, to one or two that allows you take control of the conversation and exit. The simplest way to leave a group conversation is to simply modify the standard conversation leaving process. Instead of summing up your conversation partner’s views on a topic, instead address the most prominent subject of the conversation, or at least the most recent subject the group has been discussing. For example, if the subject has been about buying new cars, you can say, “Well, I do not know about anyone else, but I learned a lot about how to buy a new car. I may have to try out these strategies you have all been mentioning the next time I go to buy a car.” This example does two important things — it states that you were paying attention throughout the conversation, and it compliments the group as a whole. In an example such as this, you may want to call attention to one or two specific points you heard, but unless the conversation is sufficiently small, say four people maximum, you should avoid this urge. If you do call out two or three people, you are slighting the other people in the conversation. Your goodbye should not degenerate into a laundry list of who provided you with what helpful advice; simply acknowledge the usefulness of the advice, and let the entire group take credit for it.

You might also want to make an exception if some of the people giving advice are obviously experts in the field. In our example, if a used car salesman or a consumer advocate talk about the best way to get a price on a new car, it may be nice to acknowledge their contributions, although you might step on the toes of the man who managed to talk a car dealer into selling a car below the sticker price and now considers himself a guru of car buying.

Once you have started to close down the conversation, thank the rest of the group, say your goodbyes, and leave; then, you are finished. There is a lot to recommend to this technique — you get to keep control of the conversation and keep the focus on you for a couple of seconds, and you also manage to leave the conversation on a high note with multiple people. You can also foster a reputation for being attentive and being appreciative of other people’s ideas — both of which are good reputations for conversationalists to have.

This method does have its drawbacks. This technique will work on groups that are still small enough to be considered intimate, but once you get to a conversation that has roughly six or seven people in it, your conversation-ending process might be derailed as you try to make yourself heard while you are in the verbal queue that always seems to develop, with the most assertive being at the head of the line.

The four-step process also does not work when you are in a conversation with a rapidly shifting or fairly basic topic. While you may be able to identify the thread that connects the various topics in the conversation, such as the weather or politics in Minnesota, you will have a harder time finding a way to bring up the main topic in a non-repetitive manner. For instance, if the weather is cold, you may be able to get away with saying, “Well, from all accounts we’ve had a very cold winter.” This may work with some people, but others will shake their heads at your apparently keen grasp of the obvious.

A topic like politics, on the other hand, presents a different set of problems. The topic can shift focus quickly, such as when two people start out discussing immigration reform and arrive at the proper distance for offshore drilling platforms to be from the mainland. This can hamper your efforts to sum up the conversation and still include the latest branch of the conversation. In addition, politics in the 21st century are very divisive. While you can always expect a lively debate from two people with differing political ideologies, the hostility between factions may have skyrocketed to the point where civility is almost an antiquated idea.

A Graceful but Quiet Exit

In cases where the four-step process does not work, you may just want to slip out of the group unnoticed. Some experts on conversation disagree with this school of thought, as leaving quietly is anticlimactic to a conversation in which you come off as charismatic and likeable. However, leaving gracefully does not always have to mean calling attention to yourself; in fact, sometimes leaving quietly is the best option. This option is useful for leaving difficult group conversations, particularly those that are boring or those that have gone beyond spirited and into contentious. You may also wish to leave quietly so that you can use the four-step process when you are in a conversation with a person or group of people on whom you really want to leave a good impression. This is especially true if you are not an accomplished conversationalist yet.

One easy way to leave a conversation quietly yet politely is to call a little attention to the fact that you are leaving. Give a reason for leaving, something along the lines of your need to freshen your drink or visit the restroom, excuse yourself, and leave. At first glance, this would seem to contradict the idea of leaving quietly, but part of the dynamic of a group conversation is that people tend to quietly leave and join, especially a group conversation that is going strong. You will be excused with a minimum of fuss, and without any awkwardness that this kind of technique would generate in a one-on-one conversation.

Another good technique for leaving quietly but gracefully is called the “changing of the guard.” Several experts on conversation know this technique, and this book would not be complete without including it. The technique itself is simple. When a group conversation is taking place, wait until someone new enters and the focus of attention shifts to her. When it does, simply retreat from the conversation. You may give a warm smile or nod to the group to show you can be approached later for more conversation. What could be simpler?

The changing of the guard is a good technique to know, and chances are you have used it once or twice yourself without knowing it had an actual name. What you may not have known, however, is that there are two variations on the method that will catapult you into the ranks of the expert conversationalists. The first variation is using the Changing of the Guard on a single conversation. As you are talking to someone at a convention or a soirée, when someone else comes up and joins in the conversation, quietly back out as the person with whom you were talking and the new person begin talking. It should be understood that you should only use this technique when you are in a conversation you want to escape from rather than leave gracefully. The second variation takes place in the middle of a group conversation when you want to shift to a one-on-one conversation. Wait until the center of attention has shifted in the group, then invite the other person to join you. Of course, you do not want to say, “Hey, could we get away from this group conversation and have a one-on-one dialogue?” In the interest of increasing your skill at conversation and, quite frankly, the interest of self-preservation, here are a few sample invitations you can use to draw a person off from the group and into a private conversation:

Referrals/Advice and How to Get Them

If you are at a business meeting, the odds are good that you are looking for a few new connections in each conversation. Even better, you are looking to have someone refer you to someone else, technically called a referral. Many times, people at a business event are too shy to ask for a referral, thinking they will come across as pushy or entitled. However, adding a slight twist to the conversation-leaving process can provide you with all the referrals or advice that you need.

The twist is very simple. As you are closing the conversation, ask the other person for a referral based on the kind you want. If you want to learn how to use photo software, for example, you can say to your conversation partner as you are closing the conversation, “By the way, I have been wanting to learn how to use the new photo software. Do you know anyone who is good at it?” Your conversation partner will either answer yes or no. If she answers yes, follow up by asking for that person’s name, telephone number, and e-mail address, then thank your partner and say goodbye. If your partner does not know anyone, you can segue into leaving the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “Well, thank you for trying. I’m going to see if I can locate anyone here who has used the software before. Thanks again, and talk to you later.”

Asking someone for a referral at the end of a conversation works because you have already established a rapport with the person whom you are asking. Also, you do not come across as asking for a favor; instead, you are asking the other person for advice, and most people love to share their knowledge with others.

This technique is useful for getting any kind of referral. For instance, if you are at a local convention and you are looking for a job, you can close out your conversation by saying, “Before I go, do you know who I could talk to who might have some suggestions on where I could find a copywriting job?” Again, your conversation partner will either know someone, or she will not. If everything goes well, she may be able to refer you to someone at the convention itself, which gives you a ready-made opening line for a conversation and expands your networking opportunities at the event. In fact, you may even walk out of the convention as the proud possessor of a new job.

When you ask for referrals at an event, make sure you have a clear agenda, rather than gathering referrals for their own sake. After all, the next time you meet your conversation partner, she will likely want to know if you had any success with her referral. If you can say you have followed through, she will be happy you followed her advice in contacting the referee and be more likely to help you again for the next time you ask for a referral.

Do not be shy when asking for a referral. Most people at business meetings are out to increase their network and gain referrals, so you will not necessarily stand out of the crowd when you ask for one. In order to increase your comfort level with asking for a referral, though, adjust your style of asking to reflect your personality. Here are some sample asks:

Do not limit yourself to business functions when asking for referrals. You can also apply this to a social conversation, too. Get a referral on someone who teaches martial arts, likes to watch football on Sundays, or who is a member of the classic car club by using the techniques and samples above. In fact, you may want to ask for social referrals as a training session before you ask for business referrals. You will probably have more success asking if your conversation partner knows someone who is interested in coming to your place and watching the big game, too.

After practicing all these techniques, you will eventually learn how to slip out of conversations gracefully. This will come in very handy for the next chapter, when the focus shifts from leaving conversation with people whom you have enjoyed spending time with to those people whom having a conversation with is uncomfortable — or even intolerable.

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