Chapter 8

Conversations in the Workplace

Business conventions, parties, and networking events: None of these events is quite like the conversations you will have at your office. On one hand, you will get to know the people you work with and will spend a lot of time interacting with them. On the other hand, you are coworkers, not friends. While there is nothing wrong with having coworkers who are friends, some topics are off-limits during work hours, and some issues should never be brought up in front of anyone with whom you work.

Getting Started

Mostly, workplace conversations are very similar to normal conversations; however, when you start working for a company, you will want to be more formal than you would be talking to your friends. While you may call your coworkers by their first names, wait until your supervisor and those on his level give you permission before you refer to them on a first-name basis. Otherwise, use their titles, such as “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” or “Ms.” This type of behavior radiates class and creates a good first impression.

Office formality can also establish itself during conversations with customers and clients, as well as during office meetings. Be prepared to offer an opening handshake to business contacts you meet for the first time. When the conversation closes, give a parting handshake while saying goodbye. During the conversation itself, focus on listening actively and avoid lapsing into any informal habits you might be tempted to indulge in, such as:

Workplace Friendships

So, you have settled in at your job, and you would like to make friends with your coworkers. However, you are wondering what to say to them. After all, your company probably has a code of conduct, and making an inappropriate remark could get you in trouble. If this sort of thing worries you, you are probably not the kind of person who needs to worry. If you are conscious about not wanting to breach the company’s code of conduct, you probably will not. Furthermore, most of the rules are ones you probably already follow in public areas, such as no serious swearing, no harassing your coworkers regardless of race or gender, and no showing up at work intoxicated. If you do happen to do any of these in public, get yourself to the local bookstore and immediately buy a book on manners.

The only rule you need to keep in mind when talking with your coworkers is this: Avoid any controversial topic. Mostly, you will avoid controversy if you avoid those perennial favorite topics of arguments everywhere: religion and politics. Topics that manage to mix both religion and politics are especially bad. For instance, do not bring up the topics of abortion or gay marriage unless you are prepared to spend the rest of the conversation on a knock-down, drag-out argument that will ultimately be unlikely to change anyone’s mind.

Instead, focus on non-controversial topics. Sports and weather are good topics with which to begin conversations, even if they are a little bland. However, you can get a lot more conversational mileage by asking your coworkers about their jobs. Asking your coworkers what their current projects are and inquiring about the finer points of their jobs is a good way to get to know them without risking controversial topics. If a coworker brings up a controversial subject matter, politely try to change the topic. This is especially important if you disagree with your coworker about the topic in question. If, for example, he mentions that he thinks there should be more democrats in Congress, and you are a committed conservative, do not try to engage him. Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry to change the subject, but I just was reminded of something I heard on the new last night. Did you know...?” Or you can try, “Oh, I wish I could contribute, but I’m not much for politics. Can you believe how beautiful the weather was this weekend?” This tactic works much better if you happen to have another topic already in mind.

You will also want to avoid complaining when talking to your coworkers, especially about other coworkers or your boss. Complainers in general are not fun to talk with, and if word gets back to your supervisor that you have been complaining about him, expect the relationship between the two of you to get very tense. On the other hand, you can mention that a project is difficult or time-consuming, as long as you avoid harping on it.

Let’s not get personal

Outside of controversial issues, you also do not want to bring up too much personal information. Mentioning health problems or money troubles is not complaining, but it comes off as seeming weak, as workplace communication columnist Dawn Rosenberg McKay says. Talking about difficulties in your home life also makes you seem weak and unreliable, and may damage your chances for increased responsibility and promotion later. Ask yourself what you most want to be known for in the workplace — your competence and skills, or the chaos in your home life. While your coworkers may eventually come to find out some aspects of your personal life the longer you get to know each other — and some aspects like a pregnancy are hard to keep to yourself after a while — make sure you do not share anything about you that you would not like everyone around the office to hear.

Body Language in the Workplace

Body language is more widely trusted than the spoken word; language does not always have to be spoken. If you were to come across an old friend and he told you he missed you but did not come any closer, would you believe it, or would you more likely believe a greeting that came along with a huge hug? While words are still the main form of communication, there is a more developed way to say what is really on your mind — most people tend to say they are not tired and then yawn. This makes body language pertinent in the discovery of what your true feelings are, and as a reinforcement of the language you speak.

A study about blind people talking with their hands, even when talking to other blind people, revealed that, from birth, people are taught that speaking with gestures conveys a message better than if no body language is used. This is true for most everyone. For example, no one really likes going to the doctor, but the doctor can do certain things to make the visit more comfortable for the patient. If that doctor shows genuine signs of interest in the patient’s problems, such as leaning forward, not looking at charts as much, coming closer to a person, and nodding, then the patient will be less uncomfortable and relay everything that is wrong. The greeting is an important part of the patient-doctor relationship, or in any relationship, for that matter. If the doctor comes in with a warm smile and handshake, and she keeps eye contact during the visit, that indicates more concern for her patient. A positive experience in a doctor’s office can be had if the doctor sits down to talk to the patient and doesn’t constantly look at her watch or the door. These body language clues make the patient feel like the doctor does not care, or has no interest in what the patient’s medical problem is.

The above example can also be used in an everyday work environment. If you go into the office of a colleague or superior and they show the same disinterested body language as the doctor does, the same conclusions can be drawn about how your coworker or boss really feels. Then, the line of communication between employees breaks down, and nothing gets resolved. If they show a genuine interest in what you have to say, then things can get resolved, and the communication lines will be opened more, resulting in a better work environment. The communication of body language is detrimental in the workplace — it can determine whether a pleasant day in the office will take place and whether the deadlines will be met.

Quick facts: Workplace body language

Tips on creating a positive message — How to use the eyes and hands together

Talking with Bosses

Talking with your boss can be intimidating. Not only is she your coworker, but also your direct superior. Her opinion of you can help you get a raise, be promoted, and generally make the difference between a tolerable work environment and a work environment you actually enjoy. Of course, her opinion can also marginalize you, or ensure that you have no work environment at all.

Talking with your boss does not have to be intimidating, though. The first rule of talking to your boss is to remember that she is a coworker, and that many of the same rules of talking to your coworkers apply when talking to your boss — be respectful, be formal, and avoid controversial topics. You should also avoid personal topics the same way you do with your coworkers, although sometimes that may not be easy to do. You have to clear your vacation time with her, for instance, as well as maternity leave, bereavement, sick days, and minor issues, like car trouble. The important thing to keep in mind about your personal issues is to not let them affect your professional performance. You may have to take a few days off because you have the flu, but if no deadlines are missed and no crises arise because of your absence, your boss will be fine with giving you the time off you need to get well.

Attitude is very important when dealing with bosses. Despite the mass media’s portrayal of the super-jerk who is the best at what she does being loved by all around her, a bad attitude is poison to your career. Instead, try to be positive, even if you do not feel like it. Give people a smile when you talk to them, and when talking about projects, do not talk about the difficulties you are encountering without discussing what you are doing to overcome those difficulties. Bosses like a “can-do” attitude because the more you can do on your own, the easier their own jobs will be.

Talking business with the boss

You have now made some small talk with the boss, and you are feeling a little bit more at ease around him. So far, so good, but now you have to go and talk business with him. As you gather your papers, you have a sinking feeling that asking how the ball game he attended over the weekend is not going to be appropriate to bring up while he asks you about the project’s status.

Fortunately, you are on the right path by gathering your papers. When you go to talk with your boss, be organized. Often, that just means collecting your notes and making sure they are in order. For those of you who feel a bit more nervous, you may also want to write down a list of points you want to bring up, or draft a quick outline of the project status. More preparation is always better than less.

When you get to your boss’s office to talk, remember to be calm. In other words, do not let your emotions get the best of you, and above all, do not raise your voice when talking to your boss. Do not be completely passive, though. When you are discussing business, get right to the point. If you disagree with your boss, politely tell her why. If your boss disagrees with you, request specific reasons.

Bosses and Friendship

On one hand, being your boss’s friend is a very attractive option. Being on the good side of your boss on a semi-permanent basis means you can relax a bit while giving department reports, and your work relationship can shift subtly from feeling as though you have to do a project well or risk being fired to wanting to do a project well because you do not want to let your friend down. You can also benefit from the trust that friends have for each other, which may result in increased responsibilities — not to mention that kind of trust is useful when determining if you are ready to accept the burdens that come with being promoted.

On the other hand, you need to make sure you do not get too friendly with your boss. Remember that you are still the subordinate, and your boss still has power over you. Becoming too friendly can damage your credibility with your coworkers, especially when your boss rewards you and questions circulate as to whether you got rewarded because of the work you have done — or because of your friendship with your boss.

Difficult conversations with bosses

You may have more difficult conversations than when you need to disagree with your boss, but they will be few and far between. Disagreeing with your boss can be the highest-pressure conversation of all high-pressure conversations, especially in a situation in which she repeatedly asks you to stay late to do extra work.

In these situations, you do not want to be over-assertive. While you still want to speak your mind, you do not want your boss to think badly of you. When you do decide to assert yourself, suggest an alternative decision that satisfies both your boss’s needs and your own. For instance, if you cannot work late, you can make plans to come in early the next day instead of working late. You can also suggest another employee, provided you know that he or she will be all right with it.

Another way to defuse difficult conversations with your boss is to do what you can to prevent them from happening in the first place. If you know in advance when your time is limited, then you can bring it up to your boss in polite conversation. Most of the time, however, you will want to do what your boss asks.

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