Chapter 9

Conversation and Friendship

While simply talking to people is fine, conversation really shines when it allows you to make friends. Nothing feels quite as good as having true friendships, and very few activities are not improved by having these friends around. At the core of friendship is a voluntary investment of time and emotion, which usually means hanging around each other and talking over an extended period of time. Through the course of this chapter, we will talk about moving from small talk and into deeper personal communication. If you have trouble making friends, you are in luck because this chapter also discusses where to go to meet potential friends. Now that you know how to talk to people, the process of making friends is actually very easy. If you can remember four rules, you can establish many conversations that lead to effortlessly making new friends.

The Four Rules of Making Friends

So Where do You Find Friends?

If you are someone who does not feel she has very many friends, there is good news — finding potential friends is easy. However, this does not mean that friends are going to leap out from the bushes and latch onto you the next time you go out for a walk. The stipulation here is that finding potential friends is easy, but you have to put forth the effort to reach out to them.

The easiest way to find potential friend material is to just go to places you like to hang out. If you are a reader, head to your local library or bookstore. You can strike up a conversation with someone who is standing in a section you find interesting, like biographies. If you like hitting the gym every day after work, other regular attendees probably share your passion. If you like to hit the nightclubs on the weekends, you can probably break the ice on the dance floor. Here are some ideas to get you started:

If you enjoy….

You will find potential friends at…

Swimming

The beach, community pool, and swim classes.

Dancing

Dance classes, nightclubs, and the community theater.

Watching movies

Movie theaters, DVD aisles of superstores, and film societies.

Board games

Hobby shops, community centers, libraries, and friends’ houses.

Disc golf

Disc golf courses, sport equipment stores, and recreation centers.

Cycling

Bike stores and bike paths.

Spectator sports

Sports bars, arenas, and work.

Church

Actual church services, church small groups. They have many for singles, youths, elders, middle-age, people who enjoy the same interests, people who want to volunteer, and more.

Volunteering

Your local newspaper likely lists several volunteer opportunities that you can try, such as the humane society and elementary schools.

Reaching out

Now that you have a number of suitable candidates for a friend, it is time to reach out and start interacting with them. The way you do this, of course, is through conversation. Use the techniques that you have learned in previous chapters and start talking to people. Unlike many types of these conversations, reaching out to people in these locations is much easier, as you already share some common ground. Ask someone how long he has been going to the gym, for instance, or ask an open-ended question about the type of board games he likes to play. If you like spectator sports, you can talk to someone about her favorite sports team, and talking about your state’s professional sports team is a good default option.

One of the best parts about being around an area where similar people gather is that you can ease into a conversation with them. There is nothing wrong with immediately striking up a conversation with someone at first, but by going to the same place over the course of three or four visits, you can establish yourself as a presence among the other people there. You can also get to know people better before you approach them — not to mention that some outgoing individuals may actually approach you and start up a conversation.

Do not Limit Yourself

While going where people with interests similar to you is one of the best ways to find friends, it is not the only place to find them. You can make friends anywhere, including in your workplace, your neighborhood, or even at the grocery store.

How to Talk to Prospective Friends

For the most part, talking to potential friends is no different than talking to anyone else. However, there are some small adjustments you can make to your conversation style in order to find out more personal information about your prospective friend. This will enable you to determine if he is the kind of person with whom you want to be friends.

Send a message with ritual questions

When you ask someone a conversation starting ritual question, you are sending him a message that you want to get to know him a bit better. Some ritual questions, though, are better for communicating that you want to get to know someone as a friend, rather than just an acquaintance or a business associate. Among these “friend inquiry” open-ended ritual questions are ones that gently probe the other person’s background. Here are some examples:

Get introductions out of the way

When talking to a potential friend, get introductions out of the way early. This will help to establish rapport with him. You can incorporate your introduction into your opening conversation starter. However, that approach can backfire, as it tends to leave you sounding as though you are desperate for someone to talk with. A better approach is to slip in an introduction right after the other person has answered an open-ended question. At this point, you have let your prospective friend know that you want to get to know him better, and he has opened himself up a bit to you. There is no better time to pause, make introductions, and then continue with the rest of the conversation. Here is a good example of an effective way to introduce yourself:

Doug: “Excuse me, you seem really good at painting. When did you first start to paint?”

Melissa: “Oh, I first started painting when I was a teenager. I really wanted to be like Julie Bell.”

Doug: “I can see her influence in your paintings. By the way, my name is Doug.”

Melissa: “Oh, I’m Melissa.”

Doug: “Pleased to meet you, Melissa. So, what was the first Julie Bell painting you ever saw?”

Draw out their opinions

Unlike business conventions, soirees, or networking events, you want to get to know your potential friend much better. After all, how can you know how likely a friendship is if the two of you simply stand around and make small talk? You want to get to know the other person before you can decide if you want to be his friend.

In order to draw out someone’s opinions, you will have to take a page from Sherlock Holmes’ book. Notice things about your prospective friend that seem like they might really matter to him. Sometimes, this is as simple as following the normal methods of establishing a conversation: Notice items the person has on him that give you a clue as to what is important. Other times, you may have to dig a bit deeper. For instance, if you meet your prospective friend at an ice-skating rink and he has his own ice skates as opposed to rentals, you can reasonably assume that he is passionate about ice-skating. However, you may discover even though he is passionate about ice-skating, he is really doing this so he can possibly compete in an amateur skating division. At that point, you know what interests him, and you can immediately dive into issues about which he is truly passionate, such as how to perform double axles, how figure skaters are performing, what the next figure skating contest is, and who is going to the next Winter Olympics.

Be casual

One of the common mistakes people make while trying to make friends is to try to impress them. Even though this is an understandable desire, avoid it. If you try to show off how intelligent or insightful you are, you run the risk of it backfiring. People will not remember what you were boasting about — just that you are boastful. If you really want to impress someone, the best advice is also the most clichéd: Be yourself. In other words, make sure that you are being friendly and informal with the person you are talking to. You also want to be receptive. Make sure the other person knows that you are interested in what he has to say. This rule applies to whomever you are talking to, and it is the second key to making friends. People want to hang around those who find them interesting.

Let them know they are important

People especially appreciate when others find them worthwhile enough to remember. If you can remember a prospective friend’s name, you have gone a long way to making her your friend. You will endear yourself to her even more if you can remember details about her from the last time you spoke. For instance, if your prospective friend mentions she likes to read books by Tracy Chevalier, then the next time you speak, mention you have heard she has another book coming out in the next year and ask if she has heard any advance news. Or if she mentions her keen interest in politics, you can bring up the most recent political event; if it is not too controversial, discuss it with her. Bringing up these topics has the added benefit of giving you an issue about which your prospective friend is passionate.

Value yourself

This pillar of friendship should be extremely obvious, but sometimes it can be easy to overlook. In order to make friends, you have to know that you are worth having as a friend. This comes back to self-esteem. If you do not value yourself, you will not expect other people to value you, and your efforts at finding friends are sabotaged before you even begin. If you are still having problems with your self-esteem, then before you go out, give yourself a small pep talk. You want to build yourself up, and you do not have to worry about what anyone else says, since this pep talk is for you and you alone. Here are some sample things you can say to yourself to bolster your ego before going out and talking to friends.

“Hey, I can do this.”

“I am really interesting to be around.”

“People like talking to me.”

“I know how to talk to people.”

“People enjoy being around me.”

Just keep repeating the pep talk you gave yourself, even if you feel uncertain of yourself sometimes. Eventually, you will come to believe it.

Just be nice

The final key to making friends is to show kindness and respect to everyone — not just the people with whom you want to befriend. Humorist Dave Barry once noted, “Anyone who is rude to their waiter or waitress is not a nice person,” and the observation has a lot of truth to it. If a potential friend observes you being rude to a stranger or someone you consider inferior, like a waiter or janitor, she may come to the conclusion you are not a nice person. At the least, she will start to wonder what happens if she gets on your bad side or what you say about her when she is not around. Be nice to everyone, and if you cannot be nice, at least be respectful. The old saying “nice people finish last” is not entirely true — no one really invites the mean people to play the game once they show their true colors.

Case Study: Talking Others Into Being Friends

Theresa Joyce

Entrepreneur, founder of FunctionALL-Linens

thepocketshop@yahoo.com

512--1232

Theresa Joyce is a natural-born conversationalist. “My husband often comments that I never meet a stranger,” she said. “He also comments that he cannot send me in anywhere because I always seem to get involved in conversations.”

Part of Joyce’s secret to success is to ask questions or just be helpful. One of her favorite icebreakers to use is talking about pets. “If they have a pet or love animals, and you have an animal, that is good for five minutes of getting to know each other on a very basic level,” she said. Joyce also finds that the “old standard of weather” makes a great conversation starter but, ultimately, the best way to start a conversation depends on the environment. “If you are standing in line at a grocery store, for example, you may comment on how busy they are. At the vegetable market, you may ask if they have seen a certain vegetable or you may comment on the great selection they have, which could lead into a conversation about the crops this year,” she said.

One can meet new people anywhere, according to Joyce. She does suggest a few places where people will have more success, though. Among these places are business networking groups, nightclubs, dog parks (you need to have a dog first), church, and even a car dealership while your car is getting repaired. Doing volunteer work is also a good place to meet new people, Joyce said.

Joyce also makes sure that people know she is open to people coming up to her and starting a conversation. “I look directly at them and either verbally greet them or by gesture,” she said. “A greeting lets others know you are approachable.” When Joyce holds a conversation, she wants to get knowledge or pleasure out of it. Joyce’s four elements for a good conversation are a topic, good details, mutual interest, and a point to the conversation. These elements can lead to a good conversation that lasts at least eight minutes.

When talking to someone, Joyce listens more than she talks. She also asks questions to get a sense of the individual. “I would love to always be myself, but that is not always wise,” she said. “Consider utilizing a conservative demeanor and mirroring the individuals’ way of communication.” Despite being conservative during a conversation, Joyce will reveal personal information if she senses it is OK to be “human.”

Despite Joyce’s skill at talking to people, she does encounter some hurdles to holding a conversation. Unlike many people, though, she has strategies to help her get around them. For example, if someone is paranoid, she tries to be friendly in a way that usually loosens up a person and removes any barriers. However, she tries not to be too friendly, because that can scare someone away. Another obstacle Joyce encounters is someone who is in a bad mood. “Empathy usually works in that situation,” she said. The most difficult obstacle for Joyce is when the other person does not display much of a personality. She advises people to just press on, ask a question, and see how he or she responds.

In order to hone one’s skills at conversation, Joyce suggests a lot of practice before going out in the world. “Practice orating or having a casual conversation by talking to oneself, and use a mirror,” she said. “You can also use a cheat sheet to make sure you cover the points you need to cover.”

The most amazing part about Joyce’s ability to communicate is that she considers herself shy. “People never believe it,” she said. “I sometimes have to force myself to get out and encounter others. If you are scared, I strongly suggest taking a deep breath and just doing it.”

Doing Things Together

Once you are comfortable enough talking to a prospective friend where the two of you constantly meet, you can cement the friendship by doing things with each other on a regular basis. This is actually the case for most men, where most friendships are cemented through doing activities rather than through talking, as studies by Michael Monsour in 2006, among others, have proved. Doing things together gives friends a chance to see what each other is like, and many male friendships have a basis on doing favors for one another throughout the life of the friendship.

Most of the time, this happens without much extra work. If you and a friend share a love of horror movies, then agreeing to go with each other to the nearest theater on the weekend to catch a zombie flick is a logical activity to share. This is not always the case, however. Sometimes asking a friend to do an activity feels off, or you feel as though your friend might read more into your asking him to do something than you are actually intending. If you have ever felt like this, the following advice should make things easier for you.

First, make sure that whatever activity you have planned is one that you and your friend are mutually interested in. If you are both avid wall climbers and you have heard of a great course in the next city that you would like to try out, ask your friend to join you. If you both enjoy visiting Renaissance fairs, you can ask your friend if he wants to join you at a Renaissance fair you are planning to go to. This kind of invitation can work even if the both of you have only talked about your hobbies. For instance, if you and your friend have both talked about how much you like nature centers, you can bring up the fact that a nearby nature center is going to be celebrating its four-year anniversary, and ask if he would like to come along.

Second, have a definite time and place set in mind. Your friend will be more receptive the more specific you are with the where and when of the activity than if you just say, “Hey, a county fair is going on. Wanna go to it?” A better approach is to say, “Hey, Shonte. The Washtenaw County Fair is going on this weekend. Wanna go? I hear it is open until 9 p.m. on Friday and Saturday, and that they have some good bands lined up at 7 every night.” This places the focus on the activity itself, and avoids any awkwardness.

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to avoid awkwardness is to ask someone to get a cup of coffee, or plan to go out for drinks and invite a group of friends. Shoot for four or six friends and try to plan your get-together a few hours in advance. This way, there is no pressure for you and your new friend to make conversation the entire time.

Stages of Friendship

Now that you have an idea of how to talk to potential friends and how to invite them on outings, you only need to think about what happens next. You obviously do not progress to from being acquaintances to actual friends overnight. Like any other kind of relationship, a friendship progresses in stages. Paul Mongeau and Mary Lynn Miller Hennigsen studied these stages in 2008.

The initial stage of meeting is known as role-limited interaction, and it is the kind of relationship you have with most people around you whom you interact with on a daily basis. If you like a morning cup of coffee from a coffee shop, you may be familiar with the barista who regularly prepares your half-caf double latte, but beyond her name and appearance, she is a blank to you. In this stage, you disclose the least amount of personal information, and you rarely deviate from the accepted societal rules. Here is where stereotypes can have the most power, as you reach into the depths of your experience with other people of a similar type to figure out how to act.

At the next stage, friendly relations, you get the chance to talk with people. In the previous example, this is where you may have had the chance to talk to the barista at the coffee shop a little more than simply placing your order. She may remark that you always get the same kind of coffee, and you may then tell her why you get the coffee you get. If the barista says something back, it signals an interest in getting to know you as a person, not just a faceless customer. This is also the stage where the friend-making conversation techniques will be at their most powerful, as you and your prospective friend are trying to figure each other out.

As you both try to figure each other out, you are moving toward friendship, or casual friends. This is where you both start to get to know each other outside of your previously established social contexts. You might ask the barista if she would like to continue the conversation you two had about baseball when you were buying your latte at this stage, or you might run into each other on the street and start talking. Here you give out one or two pieces of personal information, but the notable part of passing to a casual friendship stage is that you give out some signal that says you want to be friends. Some friendships plateau here, without ever getting deeper. You probably know a few people that you are on good terms with when a bunch of friends meet, people who you think are generally all right, but your conversation rarely goes beyond making small talk.

When you and your friend hit the nascent friendship stage, you finally start referring to each other as friends. This is where you start to work out, very informally, the terms of your friendship. You and your friend may decide to spend Saturday afternoons playing one-on-one basketball, and your friendship goes no further than that. On the other hand, you and your friend might end up agreeing to do a wider range of things. You might get together throughout the week and cook, or you might establish a friendship where one of you can call the other for a range of activities. At this point, you start to open up and share more personal information because you trust the other person’s discretion, compassion, and understanding.

The final stage of a friendship is the stabilized friendship. This is the point at which you consider your friendship to be an ongoing state, rather than just existing when the two of you get together. A friendship at this stage contains a very high mutual level of trust, with both of you assuming that each will be there for the other. This high level of trust also translates into a very deep level of personal disclosure. Friends whose friendship has stabilized are likely to know as much about the other as family members do. At this stage, friendships are also blended into your social structure. You introduce your friends to other friends, deepen your friendships in the same social group, and as such, you may find yourself in the position of being around multiple people with whom you have sustained friendships.

Unfortunately, there is another stage to this level of friendships that happens when friends lose touch with each other. This is known as waning friendships, and it can happen when friends no longer keep in touch with each other. This can be because the friends no longer feel that they are getting anything out of this relationship, or that their friendship has stopped being exciting and instead becomes dreary or commonplace. Friendships can also wane if one of the friends moves away. According to a study conducted by Elissa Schappell in 2005, most friendships end by fading gradually rather than a sudden cut-off point. Despite that, there is one other way in which friendships can come to a sudden stop — through betrayal. Betraying someone’s trust or repeatedly doing something that annoys the other person, such as constantly showing up severely late to activities or constantly letting the other friend down, damages the friendship.

When a friendship is damaged or starts to wane, both friends have to rethink how much they can trust the other. The conversation between the two becomes less trusting and more strategic, almost like a psychological chess game, as both friends figure out how much they are trusted and what information they feel comfortable sharing. Boundaries and rules must be re-established. Friendships that are waning or damaged can be built back up and fixed, but both parties have to be committed to putting in the extra time and effort.

What Friendships Mean Around the World

If you happen to make friends with a person from another culture, you should be aware of what your friendship means. In Japan, you may either be a casual friend or a personal one. Casual friends have friendships based on proximity and convenience, such as neighbors in an apartment building or coworkers. These kinds of friendships are common to what American culture calls a “hi” friend. In contrast, an actual friendship is extremely dedicated. Once you make a friend, you can expect to keep her for life. Perhaps as a way of trading off benefits, Japanese tend to have a smaller number of true friends than do people in the United States. Japanese friendships are also mostly between same genders.

Thailand takes an absolute view of friendships, compared to people in the United States. These types of friendships are all-or-nothing, where you either completely approve of your friend, or there is no friendship. As a result, Thai friends are very accepting of each other.

In Europe, Spaniards rely on their friends more for emotional support than they do for their families. Spaniards’ self-esteem is also correlated to how many friends they possess. Among the French, though, insults are swapped back and forth between friends to demonstrate closeness. The French also have no problem with yelling and complaining at their friends, and most of the time, it is understood that there are no hard feelings behind the words.

Tips for Positive Communication Between Friends

Talking with friends is not always easy. Just like any two other people talking, you and your friends are prone to communication breakdowns. Following these two tips, though, will help to reduce any misunderstandings and hard feelings between friends.

Value your friend

The first tip is simply to value your friend. Stay focused on the positive qualities she brings to your friendship, and try to ignore the smaller irritations. If your friend is a good listener and excellent confidant, for instance, does it matter that she is constantly seven minutes late to any meeting? Everyone has flaws, so try to overlook your friend’s minor negative traits. She is likely doing the same for you.

Valuing your friend also means giving her the benefit of the doubt. If, for example, you pour out your heart to your friend when you have a problem, and she starts telling you the character flaws you have that led to your problems, do not assume that she is using this opportunity to put you down. While she may be guilty of giving the wrong advice at the wrong time, she probably still is genuinely trying to help. If you have some doubt as to why she is behaving the way she is, you should simply ask her. That way, she can explain the reasoning behind her behavior, and help you to better appreciate her reaction. It can also help you decide if you want to confide in your friend again. Appreciate the differences. Part of the joy of friendship is becoming open to new cultures and new experiences. If you love to watch football, and your friend thinks spectator sports are mindless trip, make sure this difference does not come between you and your friend.

Be honest with your friend

Of course, sometimes your problems are indeed your fault, and another guideline for positive friend-to-friend communications is to be honest with your friends. Do not be brutally honest, but if your friend asks for your opinion, say what you think. If you lie to your friend to protect her feelings, you are damaging the friendship, even more than if your friend does not like what you have to say. This damage can come when your friend realizes you lied to protect her feelings — or worse, she realizes you lied to protect her feelings when the truth would have saved her from embarrassment. The key to being honest is that you want the best for your friends’ welfare, even if he or she may not appreciate it at the time.

Over time, you may find yourself appreciating one or two of your friends more and more, particularly if you also find him or her attractive. If that happens, then go to the next chapter, which covers romantic conversations.

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