The Art of Romantic Conversations
Romance relies on communication just as much as friendship does. In fact, romantic relationships build on the blocks formed during friendly relationships, so having conversations with friends is quite similar to conversations you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend. However, romantic conversations go into areas in which friendships usually do not, such as discussing trust and intimacy.
The Building Blocks of a Romantic Relationship
Most romantic relationships begin the same way that friendly relationships do. People in close proximity to each other form bonds over time and progress from casual acquaintances to nascent friends, and then stabilized friends. A romantic relationship, though, has three aspects working together that are not found in other kinds of relationships. These aspects mix together in different ways and create what are known as love styles, or ways that people express their love for one another.
The first aspect of a relationship is passion. A passionate relationship does not necessarily involve sexual passion, although that can play a part. Passion is instead an intense desire for and very positive feelings regarding the other person. It generates the emotional high you get when you fall in love with someone. Passion is responsible for the sparks in a relationship, as well as the emotional highs you get from being in love. However, passion is inconstant. Passion ebbs and flows, and as a result, a relationship built on passion alone cannot last.
Commitment is a second aspect of the relationship, and it is the counterpart to passion. While passion is a subconscious emotional decision that can come and go of its own free will, commitment is a conscious choice. Mostly, a decision to commit is based on the rewards that continuing a relationship offer. The most common symbol of commitment is found in marriages, particularly during the vows of “for better or for worse.” Among the rewards that committing to a relationship offers is the level of emotional support, the financial support, and the type of companionship the other person offers.
Underpinning both passion and commitment is intimacy. When you feel intimate in a relationship, you feel close to the other person, not to mention a strong personal connection. Intimacy and passion are very closely tied. When you feel passionate for someone, you also feel very strongly about him or her, which increases feelings of intimacy. This is why passionate encounters are sometimes mistakenly assumed to generate more intimacy. However, intimacy does not ebb and flow as wildly as passion does. Intimacy is ongoing, abiding. It is the feeling that romantic partners have for each other, even when they do not feel passionate. In addition, when you commit to a long-term relationship, you are consciously choosing to increase your intimacy with your partner.
Love styles
The importance that each of three dimensions of love plays in an individual’s perception of love varies. According to research performed by John Alan Lee in 1973 and 1988, people tend to express their love in one of three primary styles. Lee’s research also came up with secondary styles of how people express their love. These secondary styles are based on mixtures of the primary styles.
You may have heard of eros love. It is the most passionate kind of love, the type of love that can persuade you to ask out that cute person waiting in line behind you at the grocery store — it is intuitive and spontaneous. A person who expresses her love in the eros style falls in love with someone, and she falls hard. She expresses her love early on to her partner, and the intensity of their love transcends the physical aspects and can easily encompass spiritual and intellectual aspects of love.
A similar kind of primary love style is ludus love, the kind of love that is more like a game, seeing whether you can get someone to fall in love with you and enjoying the feeling of falling in love with someone else. However, a deeper connection is not the ultimate aim of ludic love. Instead, the fun is in the chase, of playing the field. Ludic lovers are also more romantic. In a study that will shock few, Clyde and Susan Hendrick discovered that men tend to express their love more ludically than women.
Women express their love more through the style of storge. Storgic love is the practical, sensible, four-door sedan in contrast to the exciting sports car that is erotic love. It is expressed gradually, and as opposed to the difficulties of erotic love, storgic love has a higher amount of stability and is more peaceful than eros love. This is perhaps the most common kind of love to come out of friendships, as storgic love surfaces through discovering you and your romantic partner have similar goals, enjoy similar things, and have similar values. Storgic love is not as intense as love in the eros style — but then again, storgic love will not suffer the crashing conflicts that eros love can bring.
Another love style that women express is the pragma style of love. This is the first of the secondary love styles, and is the result of mixing storgic love with ludic love. Pragmatic lovers may seem cold and calculating at first, since they have very clear stipulations about with whom they will fall in love. This type of love uses the storgic love’s sensibility and security, as well as the strategizing that ludic lovers use when playing the field. Pragmatic lovers believe that true, enduring love is the result of making sure partners are compatible before agreeing to fall in love. Pragmatic love is the foundation for many an arranged marriage.
The polar opposite of pragma love is mania love. Manic love is the kind of love style you will see in most teenagers, and it is a potent blending of eros and ludus styles. This love style is often fueled by low self-esteem, and a manic lover tends to be unsure if he is really loved. The eros style of loving drives him to extreme highs and lows, while the ludic part of this love style leads him to evaluate a partner’s love and commitment to him through various games or tests. A manic lover can feel so strongly about his relationship that he obsesses over it.
Finally, there is agape love, a love that is considered so pure that some people feel that it is unattainable. Agape love comes from two love styles — eros and storge — meaning that an agapic lover feels an intense passion toward his partner, and he feels this passion consistently. This kind of love is known for its selflessness and generosity. An agapic lover feels his best when his partner is happy, and he willingly ensures his partner is happy, even if his efforts are not returned. While purely agapic lovers are rare, most people who express their love display some level of agapic love to their partner.
Most people do not have one specific love style. Instead, they use a blend of both primary and secondary love styles. Someone might be pragmatic when initially selecting a romantic partner, and then be erotic throughout the relationship with a strong undercurrent of storgic stability. Also, love styles can change as people have relationships and as they learn from previous ones. Your love style can also be changed as a result of your partner’s love style. Just remember: Your love style is not good or bad. What matters is how your love style connects with your partner’s style.
Casanova and Conversation
Given how important a role conversation plays in our lives, the fact that one of the great lovers in history was also one of the great conversationalists should not be surprising. Few men or women can match the string of trysts, affairs, and girlfriends recorded by Giacomo Casanova, the historical figure. His memoirs chronicle affairs with about 120 women and hint at more that would have been too scandalous to record.
However, Casanova was not just another seductionist. He actually made friends with the women who ended up being his lovers. In his memoirs, he stated that “attentiveness and favors should be employed to soften a woman’s heart” and claimed that “without speech, the pleasure of love is diminished by at least two-thirds.” At another point in Casanova’s memoirs, he writes of the love affair that captivated him the most, “The joy which flooded my soul was far greater when I conversed with her during the day than when I held her in my arms at night.” Casanova in fact remained friends with several of his lovers, even after the affair was over, according to his memoirs.
As you can see, sharpening your conversation skills will provide you with a versatile and functional set of social tools. Regardless of how old you are or what your job is, being a good conversationalist will benefit you for the rest of your life. Granted, it will not help you to predict the winning lottery numbers, but it will help you to score a date with the cute gas station clerk.
Mingling With Singles
Now that you know about love styles (and maybe gained a clue or two about the way you express your love), you are ready to take on the singles scene in whatever part of the world you are in. You could be heading into the next hot nightclub, making your way through a trendy restaurant, sitting at an old-fashioned pub, or even going to a singles night at your local church or community hall.
When you go to a place to make new and potentially romantic connections, you are as vulnerable as you can be. According to conversation expert Debra Fine, no one really likes to admit she is specifically looking to connect with someone. Starting a conversation with someone is easier if you have an excuse, such as being at a convention or a networking event. Despite this, talking with another single person is no different than talking with anyone else. The basic conversation techniques still apply, and it is just a matter of tweaking them to fit the situation.
Making your entrance
When you go to a singles event, do not feel as though you need to come in talking the first moment you enter the door. Instead, before you come in, center yourself. Make sure you feel calm in whatever way works for you. Then, take one step through the door and, unless you are part of a line, stop and survey the situation. Be sure you continue to use relaxed, open body language. This will call attention to you, and also frame you as a self-confident person who is not afraid of attention. This will really set you apart from the crowd, and it may entice people to come up and talk with you instead of your having to make the first move.
After you have announced your presence, though, make an effort to blend in with the crowd. Do not feel as though you need to be the life of the party. Instead, just wander through the crowd, and if there is a bar, you might want to get yourself something to drink. As you are doing so, get a sense of what the gathering is like. Are people excited or laid back? Does the mood seem formal or informal? Are people happy or stoic? Let your mind make observations, and you can start turning those observations into icebreakers.
Impersonal icebreakers can be very effective at singles events. Making an innocent remark about the event can spur someone to give her opinion of what is going on, and from there, you can use a ritual open-ended question to start a conversation.
Sample observations you can use:
1. I don’t think I know anyone here. Do you?
2. Do you think making introductions at these places is awkward?
3. The food they serve here is really good. Do you think so?
4. I think everyone is really having a good time.
5. I like singles events better when they are informal. How about you?
6. I notice that there are many new fall fashions here.
7. I like these events more when you have to dress up a bit for them.
8. I used to come to events like these often, but now, I just do not seem to have the time.
9. The bartender makes a very good mixed drink.
Ritual questions for single folk
If by now you have not realized the vital importance of ritual questions in starting conversations, chances are you flipped to this section of the book on your first try. Know that ritual questions are questions that indicate to the other person that you are interested in her and would like to start a conversation. You should also know that there is almost an infinite variety of them.
The kind of ritual questions you want to focus on when talking with other singles are the kind of questions that establish a connection between you and the other person. Before going over to and talking to someone, observe him for a minute or two, but try not to stare. You do not want your first impression to be “Hey, that person who was staring at me for two minutes is coming over here! What is he going to do?” See if you can come up with something that connects you to him. If the other person is wearing a nice watch, tie, or suit, for instance, you can ask him where he got it. If the other person is female, you might ask about her dress or haircut. You can also use a ritual question that gives away something about yourself and encourages the other person to comment on it. You might mention that you nearly stayed at home because Iowa State University was playing against the University of Michigan in basketball that night, or say that you came to this event because you heard the organization has some pretty original outdoor activities planned.
Once you ask a ritual question, make sure you listen for the other person’s response. Focus your attention on what you are going to say in response to the other person. This will require you to actively listen. You should keep at least one follow-up question in mind in case the other person gives a closed answer, though. Alternatively, you can follow up by giving out another piece of information about yourself and letting the other person reply to that.
What follows is a sample conversation you might have with someone, using these techniques:
You: [Make an observation.] “I like this event; it’s very casual. It is a great change after spending most of the day in a suit and tie.”
Tracy: “I agree — letting your hair down is so nice after being in an office all day.”
You: [Make a connection.] “Exactly. I take it your office has a formal dress code, too?”
Tracy: “Not so much that it is formal, but you can’t wear jeans, and I like wearing jeans.”
You: [Make a comment on Tracy’s observation and disclose some information about yourself.] “Yeah, jeans are usually more comfortable than slacks. I like that wearing a tie is not required at this place.”
At this point, you could delve into the comfortable realm of discussing where she works and what she does. From there, you and Tracy can talk about rock climbing, where you both work, and other activities you like to do.
Flirting
When talking to someone who interests you romantically, you can flirt with him to signal your romantic interest subtly. While most people assume flirting to be done through conversation, nonverbal signals can also be flirting. Winking at someone can send the message that you are attracted to him. So can batting your eyelashes, although men might want to avoid that one. Casual touching is another big nonverbal flirting activity, most notably gently brushing your fingers against the other person’s arm. The more romantic flirters might want to write anonymous notes, or perhaps buy a small gift for the other person. Both actions are considered flirting.
In conversation, however, flirtation is almost indistinguishable from a really good conversation. Both flirting and regular excellent conversations are interesting and captivating. They leave both parties feeling good about the conversation, and leave the people looking forward to the next time they meet and are able to talk again. Flirting, though, involves more personal disclosure earlier in the conversation, as you are trying to let the other person know about you in order to spark his interest. Try to avoid starting with a deeply personal detail about your life. Mention something innocent, such as the fact that you like wine or that you know how to knit is a good start to letting the other person find out more about you. If he is interested in you, he will reciprocate by telling you a detail about himself. This is known as “reciprocal disclosure.”
Playfulness is also a large part of flirting. Feel free to use humor while flirting with the other person. However, the same restrictions about using humor in conversations also apply to using humor while flirting. A joke that falls flat can turn the conversation awkward, especially if it is an edgy or suggestive joke. To no one’s surprise, men are more likely than women to use inappropriate humor while flirting.
How to Ask Someone On a Date
So someone has come along whom you really connect with, and who captivates you. You have talked with her for a while, and now you want to make your move and ask her on a date.
For most of us, this is the point where the mouth-and-brain connection fails completely. You want to ask this other person on a date in a way that is meaningful yet casual, sincere yet suave, and above all, uses the right words so the other person will accept your offer — not to mention the small matter that you are putting your ego on the line and risking the fact that you will be turned down, perhaps publicly, which is embarrassing at best. With that kind of pressure riding on the phrasing of one request, it is no wonder that many times people get tongue-tied. The best that they can come up with is “Hey… want to go out on a date next Saturday?” The main problem with this way of asking someone out is that regardless of how much time you have spent talking to the other person, asking her out always seems to come out of the blue, without any lead up.
When asking someone out on a date, do not ask him if he wants to go out. For that matter, do not ask him what he is doing that Friday or Saturday night, unless you really have a fondness for hackneyed excuses. Instead, before you make the offer or call him on the phone, come up with some ideas about an activity this person might like to do. At this point, you may have realized that in order to come up with these activities, you should have actively listened to the person and kept at least a mental record of his likes, dislikes, personality, and hobbies. In other words, you need to use many of the skills that you use in making friends if you want the object of your affection to respond positively to your request for a date.
You can ask someone out by saying:
- “I heard there was a wine tasting event at [a local restaurant]. Would you like to join me?”
- “They’re introducing a new monster truck at the monster truck rally. Want to come along?”
- “I need someone to join me so I can see the new horror movie. Can you come?”
- “I’d feel self-conscious about going to a Renaissance fair alone. Do you have anything going on that weekend?”
-
“I have two tickets to see the Iowa Hawkeyes play the Minnesota Gophers. Are you game?”
Timing it Right
When you decide to ask someone on a date, there is the question of when you should do it. Some people immediately ask someone out on a date if the first meeting goes well.
Others like to wait until the second or third meeting. Some even like to wait a bit longer than that. In general, asking someone out after you have met him a couple of times is the best policy. This gives him a chance to know you better and develop some familiarity while there is still the excitement of meeting someone new. If you ask someone out on the first meeting, you are asking him to judge you as a romantic prospect in addition to judging you as a person. If you wait too long — say six meetings or longer — the excitement he feels will die down, leaving him less likely to see you as someone about whom he feels passionate.
However, you should not feel pressured to ask someone out if you are not ready. If you feel like you need more time to get to know someone, then by all means, do so. Sometimes, great relationships come out of people knowing each other for a while before realizing that there is some attraction.
If you are asked out
Congratulations! If someone has asked you on a date, he obviously thinks highly of you. Enjoy the ego rush primarily, then accept or decline as you see fit. Really, the only rule you need to follow is this: Empathize with the person who is asking you out. Do not lead him on, respond rudely, or act nonchalant. After all, the other person has taken a huge risk to confess his feelings to you. If you act nonchalant, the other person might get the impression that you either do not care about him or the conversation. Neither will do his ego any good.
Instead, try to be enthusiastic if you accept his offer. If you cannot be enthusiastic, then show your interest in the upcoming date. If you decide to decline, let him down gently. He will probably be embarrassed, so try to convey that you are flattered and do not feel awkward about being asked out, and that you might like to be friends anyway.
You may have noticed that this section sometimes presumes that men will be doing most of the asking out, and women will be the ones accepting or rejecting the offer. This is because in most of the world, men are still the ones who make the first move. Regardless, this advice applies no matter what gender you are. If you are a man who is asked on a date by a woman, though, you will definitely want to be gentle if you decline. While a woman asking a man out is becoming more common, a woman has to overcome not only the feeling of taking a huge risk and making herself vulnerable, but also bucking a social norm. To do that takes a lot of courage. If nothing else, respect that courage.
The Relationship Cycle
Much like friendship, relationships have their own cycle, where people go from being individuals to being an intimate couple. Individuality, the first stage, consists of being your own person. When you start to get into a romantic relationship, you enter into the second stage, that of individual communication. During this stage, two people show their interests in each other through asking questions about the other person and disclosing information about themselves. In fact, this is usually the level at which people act when making small talk. There is no deeper level to this communication than announcing you are interested in interacting with other people.
When you interact with someone who you are interested in romantically, you shift to the third stage of the relationship cycle, that of explorational communication. During this stage, your conversation seems similar to small talk, but the focus shifts slightly. Instead of being interested in interacting with someone, you instead look for commonalities. You also look for features between the both of you, such as hobbies, that give you reasons to continue interacting with each other. While you are asking questions the same way you would be at the individual communication stage, at the explorational communication questions start to become a little deeper. At the explorational stage, you also share information about yourself. It is entirely possible for two people to get to the explorational stage and decide not to advance to the next stage in the relationship. They may decide to remain friends, or they might choose to date casually for a while and then move on.
After the explorational stage, if two people decide to date, they may arrive at the intensifying communication stage. During this stage, most people think they are really in love. This phase is the phase you probably most associate love with, as people in this stage feel euphoric. At this stage, people stop defining their relationships in terms of dates and start simply spending time together. During this stage, partners disclose more personal information to each other. They talk about their hopes and dreams, and each person learns more about the mindset of the other. Romantic partners are also drawn to spend as much time together as possible, and in the process, much of the remaining mysteries about each partner are stripped away. Fortunately, during this stage, romantic partners tend to overlook each other’s faults, instead focusing on the wonderful qualities of the other person.
During this stage, each partner’s perspective expands to cover the partner. At this stage, the two of you develop your own personal language, or put emphasis on certain words that have a deeper meaning for the both of you. You may even develop nicknames for each other. A more significant aspect is referring to you and your partner as a couple, rather than as two individuals. Couples who reach this stage usually make the decision to be monogamous.
After the high of intensifying communications has worn off, couples may reach the stage of revising communications. At this point, couples acknowledge that the other is not perfect. They realize problems exist, and determine whether these problems can be worked through or not. It is worth noting that couples can go through this stage, solve their problems, and still not end up together. There are definitely times when you can fall in love with a person and remain in love with her, yet still realize that she is not a good choice for you in the long term.
The apex of the relationship cycle is intimate bonding and commitment. This is the “for better or for worse” stage of the relationship, during which both people make the decision to remain with each other. This may be the basis of a marriage, or it may simply be a long-term relationship. Either way, the relationship becomes an accepted part of the couple’s lives. At this point, all couples establish a subculture that is exclusive to their relationship. They establish rules, assign jobs, and define things such as personal space and how much time is spent together. Some couples may want to be together all the time, while others are comfortable only seeing their counterpart just once each day. Some couples have rigidly defined roles, while other couples switch back and forth as needed. These subcultures also set guidelines for how to handle different situations. How they handle anger, stress, surprise, tragedy, and good fortune will set them apart from numerous other relationships.
Running out the Clock
This description of a relationship cycle will not equally apply to everyone. People skip back and forth between the stages, and some may cycle back and forth between the relationship cycle and the relationship death cycle. An erotic lover, for instance, may plunge into the intensifying communication stage and plunge into the dyadic process of the death cycle, only to work out the issues and arrive back at the euphoria of the intensifying communication stage. In marriages, couples may have a period when they cycle through revising communication, enter into the dyadic process, and enter into the intensifying communication stage once those problems are resolved — only to later enter into the same cycle again when other issues come to light. In between, they may progress to the level of intimate bonding, skipping over the revising communication stage from the intensifying communication stage.
The death cycle of relationships
Unfortunately, relationships also have their own death cycle. While friendships may gradually wane, the emotional time and investment put into a romantic relationship means there is also a process of falling out of love. Researchers Steve Duck and Julia Wood studied this process in 2006 and 2007.
This falling out of love starts with the intrapsychic processes. This is where either party, or sometimes both, become aware of the problems of the relationship. During this phase, focusing on negative parts of the relationship can lead to more negative thoughts about the relationship. In time, this may color the person’s outlook of the relationship. It is also at this point when people start to consider other relationships they could be having.
If a couple does not take care to solve these problems in the relationship, the whole relationship subculture starts to deteriorate as the relationship descends into the dyadic processes. Couples start to neglect areas of their relationship they once maintained, areas that usually involve communication. This can be especially detrimental to women, who become less happy with a relationship the more the communication in the relationship deteriorates. The dyadic process also affects men, since men usually become unhappy in a relationship when treasured routines and behaviors go away. At the dyadic process, problems with the relationship are usually addressed, although not always, according to further research conducted by Steve Duck. At this point, the relationship can be saved if the people involved are not only willing to talk about the rough spots in their relationship, but if they are committed enough to save the relationship — and if they possess the ability to communicate well enough with each other. If the relationship cannot be saved, the relationship fails, and each partner must now deal with the final stages on his or her own.
The social support stage is where each person in a relationship turns to other people for support. People look to their relatives, mostly immediate family, or their friends. At this stage of the relationship breakdown, each person in the former relationship desires and perhaps even needs sympathy and support from other people. Someone in the relationship may also want to avoid embarrassment. As a result, each member of the former relationship portrays him or herself in the best possible light. They may also give less-than-flattering accounts of their exes. This kind of behavior may come back to haunt them in the future, and some good advice for any breakup is not to let your emotions get the better of you when talking about your former relationship.
This stage can be wearisome for mutual friends of the former couple, as the friends feel pressured to choose between one person and the other. Often, this results in the loss of a friend. This is especially true when relationships between married couples end.
After some time, each couple may finally be ready for the second-to-last phase in the death of the relationship. The grave-dressing process is named because at this point, people bury the relationship and start to accept its loss. Mourning is common at this point, and almost everyone becomes introspective to some degree, pondering the wonderful parts of the relationship and perhaps even imagining what might have been. This kind of reflection is actually healthy, provided it does not last so long that people start to dwell on it. According to studies conducted by James Honeycutt in 2003 and Colleen Saffrey and Marion Ehrenberg in 2007, extensive reflection and wondering about “what might have been” is more likely to cause someone to become depressed and in general deal with the break-up less positively than if that person only reflects on the former relationship for a little while and then moves on with his or her life.
The final part of the relationship death cycle is actually a happy one. It is the resurrection process, where people get to the point of being able to move on with their lives. After the mourning is done, each person in the relationship can look at him or herself as single again. They begin to reorganize their lives to compensate for the loss of the ex-partner, and they start to do things as a single person, hopefully looking for someone else with whom to establish a romantic connection.
How to Have a Healthy Break-Up
Even if breaking up is the right thing to do, it is rarely easy. Here are some tips that may help you get through your break up, no matter what side you are on.
Remember that you can cry.
Even if you think of yourself as tough, the emotional pain you are going through can bring anyone to tears. You might also want to contact a friend or family member to offer you a literal shoulder on which to cry. If they are your friends, they will understand. You need accept that it is fine to feel bad about the dissolution of your relationship.
If you are the person who initiated the break-up, keep to your decision.
You are going to feel some regret as you consider the good times you had in the relationship, and perhaps wonder whether the bad times were as bad as you thought. Do not give in to this. You wanted to get out of the relationship for a reason, and whatever the reason was, it was important enough for you to break off the relationship. You want to move forward instead of wallowing in the past.
Do not contact your ex.
Keep your distance from him or her as you try to sort out how you feel. If you keep contact with your ex, you are going to keep reopening the same emotional wound. Even if you and your ex have decided to still be friends, you need to wait until you can talk to your ex as a friend, without having any ulterior motives. This is especially true if you want her to get back together with you. By keeping your space, you get to focus on yourself as an individual and start to heal.
Find new things to do.
Now is the time to take that art class you have been thinking about, or try to make your way through War and Peace finally. Maybe you can enroll in a tae kwon do class or join a hockey team. Being depressed makes you want to sit around and mope, but resist the urge. The more you are active, the more things you will find to fill the emotional hole your ex left.
Talk to other people.
Try not to wear out your friends and family, but do not keep your feelings to yourself. Talk to other people and get those feelings off your chest. However, you will want to watch what you say, especially if you have mutual friends. You can talk about how you feel the relationship was not working, but do not distort your ex. Be as honest as possible.
Be optimistic.
Do not give in to the negative feelings you experience during a break-up. Instead of dwelling on the past relationship, look forward to the next one. If you alter the way you think, you can change the way you feel, which will in turn change the way you act. When you finally feel optimistic, you can free yourself to accomplish new goals, try new things, and start to live life to its fullest again.
Conflict in Romantic Relationships
In a romantic relationship, some conflict is bound to happen. The better you are at handling conflict, the smoother your relationship will be. When you and your romantic partner begin to argue with each other, use these techniques to help you handle relationship conflict in a constructive manner.
Before the discussion:
- Be sure both people have had enough time to calm down. Talking about the conflict when you are upset or angry can result in destructive communication, not to mention serious regret afterward.
- Make sure your significant other is ready to discuss the problem with you. If your significant other does not want to talk, no constructive communication can arise.
- After you have scheduled a time for the discussion to occur, know your goal. While it might be nice to win the argument, you do not want your partner to feel as though she has lost.
- Find out what your partner’s goal is.
- Plan to discuss the conflict in a private place.
- Plan to have enough time to properly discuss the conflict, since it is hard to give your full attention to something when you have an impending deadline or appointment.
During the discussion:
- Frame the discussion in such a way that each person gains something. Think about what you want to get out of the discussion, and think how your partner can benefit from it as well. For instance, if you want your partner to be more punctual, you can frame you goal by saying, “I really wish you would not be late for our dates. The more late you are, the less time we can spend together. It also seems to stress out both of us. Is there some way we can work to increase your punctuality and decrease the stress in both of our lives?”
- Listen to what your partner says. At first, do not try to launch a counterargument. Understand her point of view, and be sure to convey that you are listening to what she is saying.
- Calmly paraphrasing her arguments is one of the best ways to let her know you are listening, and it is also a great way to force yourself to process your partner’s statements. Be sure to keep your tone non-condescending and non-judgmental.
When you get a chance to talk, make sure you use words that show you value the other person and that you want to cooperate with him. For instance, you can say, “I think we should…” or “You have a good point.” You should also use “I” statements to convey how you feel instead of blame-placing “you” statements. Instead of saying “You do not respect me when you make me wait for a long time,” say, “I feel that you do not respect my time when you are late and I have gone to the effort of being on time.”
Resolve the conflict:
- Value everyone involved in the conflict and their points of contention. This not only includes you and your partner, but the relationship itself.
- In order to manage the conflict so it can be constructive, you might need to validate how your partner feels. If you find out what is causing her to be late, you can come up with a solution that will not make her feel insulted, and make you feel as though you have made your feelings known.
- The way you handle this conflict will ultimately strengthen the relationship, as the both of you set new parameters and learn more about each other. Perhaps you agree to give her a 20-minute warning call on her cell phone, or maybe she agrees to call you a half-hour before you are scheduled to meet. Ultimately, the best conclusion is where you both feel respected.
What to avoid
If you do not value or understand your partner’s point of view, it can lead to a bad outcome. You may slip into a “win-lose” scenario, where you want to win the conflict. In this case, it would be forcing her to be punctual by harping on her perceived immaturity and irresponsibility, followed up by threats of doing things by yourself and not inviting her if she is going to be late. Eventually, you might win the conflict and get your partner to be punctual, but she will be very aware she has lost the conflict. Not only that, but the relationship has changed. You have established yourself as the more dominant force in this conflict, and you have shown your partner that you see your views as paramount. This is fine — so long as your partner does not have the same view.
If she feels as strongly about the issue as you do, the scenario can deteriorate into lose-lose. In this scenario, both of you walk away unsatisfied. The issue is unlikely to be resolved, and even if it is, the relationship itself is damaged, as neither of you walk away feeling as though your opinions matter much to the other person.
Gracefulness is another important part of valuing all aspects of the relationship. You need to show grace after conflicts, especially when you are in the right. If your partner admits he was in the wrong and wants to work with you to correct his behavior or fix his mistakes, work with him and put the incident behind you. For instance, if you have had a conflict with your partner about his not cleaning the kitchen after every meal, and he agrees this is a problem, do not harp on his previous failure by saying something like, “Now, remember, we need to clean the kitchen after dinner,” or “Do I need to remind you to clean the kitchen?” If you are going to say anything at all, you might say, “Hey, let’s clean the kitchen and then watch TV,” or “Need some help cleaning the kitchen?” If you really want to be graceful, you might even clean the kitchen by yourself if he forgets. Displaying thoughtfulness and forgiveness can go a long way in showing your commitment to a relationship, and in this scenario, your partner is likely to be touched by the gesture. Just remember that grace is not always appropriate. You do not want your partner taking advantage of you, after all.
What to do if a Relationship Turns Violent
Get out, immediately. If a relationship turns violent, the odds of it becoming non-violent again with no outside help are very low. In fact, the cycle of abuse is depressingly predictable. The abuser hurts the victim, then feels guilt over his actions. He asks for forgiveness, the victim grants it, and the two have a “honeymoon” period of reconciliation. This lasts until the abuser becomes stressed again, and his inner tension builds up until it explodes into violence again, which begins the cycle anew. Victims should not assume that just because the abuser feels guilty about his actions, the relationship will get better.
According to the latest data gathered by Erin Marcus in 2008, 511,000 women and 105,000 men were victims of domestic violence — enough people to fill a medium-sized city. Need more incentive to get out of an abusive relationship?
Every 12 seconds, a woman is beaten by her significant other, and ten women a day die from domestic violence. Remember, once a relationship turns violent, the time for talk is over, and the time for leaving is immediately. Abuse is not an acceptable form of communication. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence advocates this sentiment, and you can learn more at the Web site www.ncadv.org.