Here is a familiar scene: You are at a business convention, or a trade-show meeting, or even the office Christmas party. At this event, almost everyone in this throng of people is talking to each other, making connections, and exchanging business cards. Conversation is flowing through the crowd like oil through an engine, and passersby can practically hear the contented hum of attendees. Where are you in all of this? Unfortunately, you are standing against the wall or sitting at a table by yourself. You have a drink in one hand and you are slowly sipping at it, waiting for that one moment where you can walk up to someone or some group and start mingling. That moment never seems to come. Finally, you start to think about leaving the convention for the day and going back to your hotel room, hoping that someone will see you there by yourself, come over, and start talking. When you decide to leave the event, you take one glance back and see the crowd of people again, where it seems everyone received a conversation partner or two, with the exception of yourself. In this moment, it seems to you that everyone on the face of the planet knows how to talk to other people — with the exception of you.
Since you are reading this book, the above scenario has probably happened to you a few times. Do not feel bad about it, though. According to a 1999 study conducted in Britain, 60 percent of the people polled wished they were better at talking, especially with their friends and family. If you think you cannot communicate with your friends or family, how are you going to feel when you have to introduce yourself to strangers?
Fear of conversation is not just limited to business situations. Being scared to talk to people is so commonplace that it is practically a cliché. Comedians make us laugh about the awkwardness and fear we experience when trying to meet new people for the first time, and motivational speakers make millions of dollars encouraging their audiences to not be scared of getting out and talking to people. You can find another example of this in scores of romantic comedies, where an integral part of the plot is that both the heroine and the hero are too afraid to go over and tell one another how they really feel — not to mention that in a study done by Dr. Laurie Rozakis, a writer and researcher on speaking and writing, people chose public speaking as their No. 1 fear, while dying only came in at No. 6. In other words, people are more afraid of speaking in public than they are of dying — a logic-defying statistic if ever there was one. Think about this — if people are shown a podium, they will be more afraid if they are told she will have to give a speech to 1,300 people than they would be if they were told that they would die upon reaching the podium!
That fear is ironic because reaching out to people has never been easier. Not only do our cell phones keep us in contact with our family and friends regardless of where we are, but we also have the Internet, which lets us talk to people around the world. With the advent of social networking Web sites such as MySpace and Facebook, we can get in touch with thousands of people, from established A-list celebrities to everyday people who have the same hobbies you do. Podcasting and Twitter are forging new paths in communication, and YouTube has given countless people a chance to express themselves and bask in their 15 minutes of fame.
On the other hand, face-to-face communication is still the most important way to communicate. More information, usually in the form of non-verbal signals and activity, is given out when two people meet face-to-face. As many as 10,000 units of information per second flow between two people when they are talking, according to Leil Lowndes, an internationally acclaimed communications expert, newspaper columnist, and author This non-verbal information not only includes the numerous combinations of verbal tone, pace, and word choice that go into creating a sentence, but also the thousands of combinations of nonverbal cues we send in conjunction with our words. According to Lowndes, about 70 percent of all the information we send is non-verbal when talking face-to-face.
This even applies to the friends we meet through the Internet. Striking up a friendship on an online dating Web site, such as eHarmony or OKCupid, usually leads to an in-person meeting to see if you are compatible with the person you have been talking to. You may get a request for an interview through the social networking site LinkedIn, but you still have to talk to the person who is hiring face-to-face.
Face-to-face conversation is also the most versatile means of communication. Although having a conversation is a way to build up friendships and strengthen the bonds of families, it is also an essential part of succeeding in business. Talking with coworkers is essential for you to be considered part of the group. You will also have much better access to information from your coworkers if they are comfortable talking to you. Good communication skills also come in handy if you are trying to convince your coworkers or your boss to do something for you, such as let you take off early for the day or help you out with an assignment. In fact, good conversation skills are a necessity when convincing your boss to give you a raise.
Salespeople need to be especially good at conversation. As anyone who has worked in sales will tell you, a client who does not connect with a salesperson will not be buying anything from him or her. Talk to almost any competent salesperson, and you will find yourself embroiled in a conversation.
Conversation will also help you succeed in networking, that cousin of business communication. You will need to know how to connect with people and have them enjoy spending time with you if you want to increase the size of your network. In case you are unaware, the benefits of having a large network include being open to more insider information in your career, being aware of new job opportunities, and having more people recommend you for job opportunities and promotions. While you can accomplish some networking through e-mail and social networking Web sites, the bulk of networking comes from face-to-face interaction.
Fortunately, for such a necessary aspect of dealing with other people, conversation is not hard. If you want to attempt something difficult, go mountain climbing or get a doctorate in nuclear physics. Learning how to have a good conversation, in contrast, is almost instinctive; if you practice having conversations, you will get better at them. That is where this book comes in.
In these pages, you will receive a crash course in how to get and maintain someone’s attention in 30 seconds or less — and an education on why those 30 seconds are so important. You will learn how to break the ice and ask questions that keep the other person interested. From there, you will learn how to make small talk and actively listen for information to segue into new topics. Finally, you will learn how to exit a conversation gracefully, instead of smiling shyly and saying, “Um... I need to go,” during an awkward pause.
Of course, not every conversation is the same. You are not going to talk to your coworkers the way you talk with your friends. In fact, the way you talk with your supervisors is even going to be different than the way you talk with your coworkers. The same goes for conversations with your parents and even people whom you meet at a party versus people you meet while standing in line at the grocery store. That is why this book has sections dedicated to how to have conversations with all of them. You will learn how to start talking with someone you meet causally, what to talk about with the people you know and meet at work, and how much to open up to other people when you are trying to make friends. Getting to know someone romantically also relies on conversation, so there is a section on how to talk to potential boyfriends and girlfriends.
So get comfortable. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that conversation is not some arcane art form. It is fun, it is easy, and learning to have a good conversation with someone will stop your mouth from getting bored in between breakfast, lunch, and dinner.