Chapter 2

Barriers to Communication

Now that you know just how useful face-to-face communication is, you might be curious as to why people are not rushing out the door to talk with random strangers off the street, or driving to the nearest coffee shop in order to strike up a conversation.

You would not be alone in wondering what is happening with conversation. Many agree that conversation is a lost or dying art, or that due to the proliferation of cell phones, text messaging, and the Internet, nobody actually talks with each other anymore.

In a way, they are right. In the 21st century, you do not really have to talk to someone face-to-face unless you live in the same house or work in the same section they do. And some people do prefer non-confrontational communication to be their main method of conversation.

Social Anxiety

By far, the biggest challenge to conversation is fear. Maybe you are afraid you will say the wrong thing. You might also be afraid that people will expect you to be more charming and witty than you know you actually are. None of these are quite as terrifying as the biggest fear: that you will do something so utterly embarrassing that it will stick in people’s minds forever.

There are many ways to conquer this fear. The best way is to meet it head-on. Instead of being scared that you are going to embarrass yourself in conversation, the next time you are at a social function take a deep breath, walk over to someone who is not currently talking to anyone and introduce yourself. A large part of being scared stems from what could potentially happen, as opposed to what is actually happening. If you walk over and say, “Hi. My name is Susan. What do you think of the food here?” then you have taken away the chance that the other person is going to come over and put you on the spot.

Another good reason to go up to someone first is that you get to be in control of the conversation. Why worry about what to say when someone comes up and talks to you when you can go over and set the topic for the conversation? You will have the advantage of being comfortable with the topic, and you will appear more confident in the process.

Case Study: Overcoming Communication Barriers

Laura Aridgides, Ph.D. in biomedical sciences

Organization & Time Management Coach

OrganizeNOW, LLC

laura@OrganizeNOW.info

http://twitter.com/VermontSOC

“Hard, but not as hard as it used to be.” That is how Laura Aridgides, Ph.D., describes how she feels about starting a conversation. In networking events, she describes herself as a fish out of water. “But, because I know that I have to network,” Aridgides said, “I force myself to step out of my comfort zone and start conversations.”

Why does Aridgides find starting a conversation so hard? “I would say, for the most part, it’s the mental battle,” she said. “But when the benefit outweighs the fear of doing the action, then you do it. So those who need to start conversations for business have to have a strong WHY that will, in essence, force them to step out of their comfort zone and start the conversation.”

In order to overcome this fear, Aridgides relies on the “sink or swim” theory of practicing conversation skills. “Practice makes perfect,” she said, “so I would just tell you to put yourself in a situation that requires that you initiate conversations, such as a networking event or a chamber meeting, where you will have no choice. The more you do it, the better you get.”

Another hurdle Aridgides faces is knowing what to say. “I memorize a general ‘conversation-starting script’ so that I feel more comfortable in the situation,” she says.

Part of this script involves finding something that she has in common with the other person, or giving a sincere compliment. “For example, since I have children, if I see someone with children I could ask, ‘How old are your kids?’ or ‘Are there any good parks around here?’ For a compliment, I would say, ‘I love that sweater, where did you get it?’” of people, or just walk up to the side of the people talking, unless it is a personal conversation, which I don’t interrupt. Otherwise, I wait on the side until someone either acknowledges me, which someone should if they are good networkers, or I have something knowledgeable to say about whatever they are talking about, which almost always leads to my introduction and then full participation in the conversation.”

Once in a conversation, Aridgides urges people not to talk about themselves non-stop. “As the saying goes, God gave you two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk,” she said. “I do this by asking lots of questions, and then just listening to the responses. Then I ask another question about that person, and it keeps the conversation going. When I am asked a question, I make my response short and to-the-point, and then ask another question about them to get the focus off me and on to the other person.”

While Aridgides mentions her difficulty in jumping into a conversation, she makes the difficult task of leaving a conversation gracefully sound easy. “I usually excuse myself because I see someone else and say, ‘Excuse me, I see someone I need to talk to.’ In a networking situation, often the people just go in and out of conversations, so I can turn to someone nearby and ask them about their business, which in effect ends the first conversation and begins the second, even if I didn’t move at all. I can also ask for their business card, and once I get it and have given them mine, I just say, ‘It was nice to meet you.’ If there is something we have decided to follow up about later, I will mention that and then just move on.”

Aridgides appreciates social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace because they make communicating easier. “You can ‘talk’ without being face-to-face with the person, and you have time to think of something else to say. So it’s a lot less intimidating because you are not actually standing with that person and thinking moment-by-moment,” she said. “Also, there is no body language, which can make it easier for people to say what they know they want to say (or should say), without any nervous body language. On the other side, it is harder to read people online since you can’t see their body language. And I would say that relationships built online tend to take longer to build.”

Do Not Fear Rejection

On the other hand, you may be scared of being rejected. You may go over to a man who seems interesting enough, and as you finish introducing yourself, he politely excuses himself while you are in the middle of a sentence and goes over to talk to his friends. You cannot help but notice he looks like he enjoys their company a lot more than he was enjoying yours. Or more likely, he simply acts bored while you are talking to him, glancing down at his watch or letting an attractive woman who passes by take up more of his attention than you are getting.

There is no way around it. Being rejected can be hard on the ego, regardless of the context. If you are a naturally shy person, a rejection can even be crushing, or a confirmation of your worst fears: “I am uninteresting, and no one thinks I am worth talking to.”

If you start to feel like that, the first thing to do is calm down. Remember, the person rejected you after a short, superficial conversation. He did not really know you, so do not waste time being upset. Also, if someone spurning the pleasure of your company crushes you, it is probably because it was a significant blow to you. Therefore, the best way to make that rejection seem less significant is to make more attempts at conversation. Now for the ugly truth: Some people along the way will reject you and not want to talk. However, the more you try, the more successes you will have — guaranteed. The more successes you have, the more those will stick out in your mind, and the rejections you have endured will fade into the background.

What to do if You Flub Your First Impression

Sometimes things do not work out when you try to start a conversation. You might stutter a couple times when introducing yourself, or you may notice afterward that your sport coat had a glob of mayonnaise hanging off the lapel. If you are really unlucky, someone may have spilled punch on you, or you let out a belch when introducing yourself to your boss’s husband.

If you are already scared about going up to someone and making a fool of yourself, the thought that something could go catastrophically wrong is just another worry you have to deal with. Now, you are probably already aware that the chances of embarrassing yourself are slim to none when you approach someone to have a conversation. This does nothing to stop the part of your brain that is busy replaying for you every instance you have seen of someone humiliating himself and pleading with you not to be that person. The reality, however, is that you might embarrass yourself; it is a risk you take when interacting with anyone. This next section will tell you what to do in this section if something catastrophic does happen.

Handling embarrassment

1. Be graceful.

There are two secrets to handling embarrassment. The first is to be graceful. If you burp while you are introducing yourself, or if you stutter in your introduction, simply say, “Excuse me.” Then continue on. The person you are talking to is not likely to bring it up again. If you want, you can add a reason to your “excuse me,” something like, “I had a soda earlier tonight” or make a joke like, “I am obviously very excited to meet you.” You should not dwell on it the rest of the conversation, though. People who dwell are often just trying to get the forgiveness of the other person, and usually the other person will not bring it up on his own because he or she does not want to embarrass you. Just move on with the conversation.

Being graceful during a major faux pas is harder, but it may be more important than how you act after a minor misstep. If someone happens to accidentally stain your dress with punch, try to get as much out as you can, then calmly excuse yourself to the nearest restroom to see how much damage you can repair. After you have done what you can, you may want to inconspicuously leave. If you cannot, acknowledge the incident if someone else brings it up, then calmly change the subject to something with which you are more comfortable. If you should happen to be the one spilling the punch, then apologize sincerely, aid in cleaning up the mess, then help the other person to fix the damage as much as possible.

2. Come back for more.

The second secret to handling embarrassment is this — come back for more. While you may still be beating yourself up for spilling wine on a very important person while you were representing your company at an awards ceremony, you must not let it be the last time those people see you. If you never go to another social event with the same people, then it is what people will always remember you for doing. The only way you can make that memory more forgettable is to repeatedly go back and talk with the people who witnessed the event. Eventually, the humiliating episode will be just one of a number of memories people have about you. And the time you spilled wine on the very important person? That will be recognized as an aberration in the overall experience that is talking with you, and someone may bring it up every so often. However, people will usually be willing to forget it ever happened, or joke in a friendly way about it. You know that you are more than your mistakes, and now is the time to show this to other people.

Non-Starters: Attitudes and Tactics That Can Kill a Conversation

Outside of rejection, there are still a number of mental blocks people have that prevent them from going out and talking to other people. Some of these attitudes stem from fear; some from a misperception; and some are just the result of bitterness and envy.

Not every conversation is an argument

The thought that every conversation has to be an argument is a common attitude that can become a problem in conversation. While a disagreement of opinion is fine, an arguer’s goal is to find your point of view, determine how it differs from her own, and then pick it apart in favor of her own “superior” point of view. If she is not especially tactful, she may say, “Well, that is a stupid idea” or “You cannot seriously believe that.” More subtle comments include “How did you come to believe that?” or “Who told you such a thing?”

Constantly arguing with other people and tearing down their opinions often occurs because the person is afraid of being wrong. Therefore, the more arguments they win, the more they see their arguments as being right. Winning arguments also makes them look smarter.

Over time, however, this attitude will chase people away. If this is your attitude toward conversations, people will still talk with you, but they will be guarded — why open yourself up to a put-down or have your opinions destroyed repeatedly if you do not have to? While people with this mindset may think that they appear more intelligent than those they talk with, the truth is that they come off looking more like bullies.

How can you tell when you are being argumentative? The next time you are talking to someone, watch your reaction when they say something with which you disagree. Do you automatically leap to “correct” them? Do you imply that their opinion is wrong or worth less than yours? If so, you might be an argumentative type of person.

How to clearly state your position

The first step in order to avoid being argumentative is to realize that your opinions may not be perfect, either. When someone has a different point of view than you, try to understand why he has that opinion instead of trying to disprove it. Ask questions about his point of view, and show a genuine desire to understand. Not only will this encourage more conversation, but it will also encourage your friends to open up to you again.

On the other hand, you may actually disagree with someone and want to state your views, but you do not want to kill the conversation. Follow the guidelines below in order to argue with someone while still maintaining the conversation:

Ask for an explanation

Another conversation-halting attitude is being afraid to admit you do not know what the other person is talking about. Some people fake knowledge when the conversation shifts to a topic they know nothing about. While you might be able to bluff your way through the conversation, you automatically remove yourself from being able to make any kind of meaningful contribution. Worse yet, if you are caught lying, people will be less inclined to talk to you. Instead of faking, honestly say, “I am sorry, I do not know what you are talking about. What is it?” Not only will you not have to worry about getting caught up in a lie, but the other person in the conversation will be happy to share his knowledge with you. He will feel good for being able to explain something to you, and you will feel good because you will learn what everyone is talking about. It is a win-win situation, and all it costs is some false pride.

Avoid stereotyping

Another attitude that can get in the way of conversation is stereotyping. Looking at someone and assuming you know what he is like based on his clothes, hairstyle, or skin color can kill a conversation. For example, seeing a man covered in tattoos does not mean he is disrespectful to others or owns a motorcycle — this may be the stereotype, but it does not mean it is true. Instead of getting to know a person, stereotyping leads to you talking to him as though you already know what he is like, and that leads to you being stereotyped in the process.

While stereotyping frees you from having to evaluate every person you see from scratch, relying on it too much is a conversation killer. Instead, when you catch yourself stereotyping someone, ask questions about him, particularly about the parts you think you already know. Ask about the other person’s job, his taste in music, or his family. Above all, do not make comments that imply you know what the other person is like based on your stereotypes.

Hey, pay attention to me!

Everyone wants a little attention directed his or her way. It feels good to have your existence validated by other people, and feeling as though other people value your opinion is a huge boost to your self-esteem. Some people, though, are more assertive in demanding attention than others. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, some people will not be happy until the entire conversation is about them, focused on their experiences, opinions, and topics they are interested in. These all tend to be related to them through sheer coincidence. These people are known by many names — “spotlight hogs” and “drama queens” spring to mind — but their actions are the same.

Of course, you do not want to completely make yourself a nonentity in a conversation — that is just as bad. You want to share your ideas and opinions in a conversation. However, when you dominate a conversation, you are not talking to people; you are talking at them. You also may start babbling if you are nervous, but this usually makes people lose interest. These are one-way flows of information, and that can smother a conversation. Worse still, if you repeatedly demand all the attention in a conversation, fewer people will want to talk to you.

How do you know when you are hogging the spotlight? There is a very simple answer to this — the next time you have a conversation, keep track of how you feel during it. Do you start thinking of ways to turn the conversation back to yourself shortly after the other person starts talking? When you start talking in the conversation, do you tend to dominate from that point on? Do most of the questions you ask turn the subject of the conversation back to you? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” you need to give the people you are talking with a chance to get some attention.

Some ways of hogging the spotlight are more subtle than others. The game of one-upmanship is a way to steal the conversation while appearing to be part of the conversation in progress. Here is how it works: After someone has told a story about the new car he just bought, the One-Upper then says, “You know, that reminds me of the deal I got on my sports car.” Just like that, the conversation has shifted to the One-Upper. You will find a variant of this with people who commiserate; these people respond to a sad story by saying something like, “I know what you mean. This one time, I…” and the focus of the attention shifts to the commiserator.

Babbling

Hoarding all the conversation time and talking at people is not limited to arguers and spotlight hogs. Sometimes people drone on and on because they are talking while nervous, also known as babbling. Unlike other attention-hoarders, babblers do not mean to take up the conversation or talk at other people. It is simply a nervous reaction, similar to getting tongue-tied.

If you tend to babble during a conversation, do not worry — there is a very easy cure. When you want to say something, pause. Think about what you are going to say, then say it. Do not elaborate unless someone asks. At first you may struggle a bit, wanting to give in to the temptation of elaborating on your ideas, making sure that people do not misunderstand you. After a few tries, though, you will find that you can give succinct answers with increasing ease, and that people’s eyes glaze over much less often after you have finished talking to them.

It is Better to Share

The first step to abandoning your title of drama king or queen is, ironically, to make your decision public. Tell your friends you are making a commitment to sharing the spotlight. If you feel secure enough about how you stand with your friends, ask them to help. This will start to pay off in the next conversation you have with them. Picture this: You are in the middle of a conversation with several people, and you have just shifted the subject back to yourself. As you are glancing around to see that everyone’s attention is fixed on you, you glance at your friend and see him staring at you. You will probably remember your vow to share the spotlight with others in a hurry.

By keeping yourself aware that you are trying to change your behavior, you will start to realize the times you are about to fall back into your old habits. Learn to recognize the signs that you are about to steal the spotlight from someone, and the next time those signs appear, inhale deeply and let it out again — without disturbing the person who is talking as you do so.

You can also let go of your spotlight-hugging tendencies by letting other people in on the conversation. When everyone is focused on someone else and you are interested in what she is saying, encourage her to say more. Listen closely and draw out more details from her. Doing this will pay off in two ways: Not only will it help to rid you of your desire to hog the spotlight, but it is also a huge self-esteem boost to the other person. Everyone likes attention, remember? This will eventually pay off long after you have stopped craving the spotlight, when the other person you were encouraging will encourage you to keep talking about a topic she finds interesting. When that time comes, go ahead and continue. Enjoy your moment in the spotlight, and hand the attention off to someone else when you are finished.

You might be asking yourself whether there is any time when you should be getting all the attention in a conversation, and the answer is yes. You are entitled to hog the spotlight for a bit if someone asks you what your job is like, or if someone asks for a professional opinion. If you are an archaeologist, for instance, you can talk for a couple of minutes if someone asks you about the last dig you went on, or what your opinion is regarding certain artifacts that made the news. You can also dominate the conversation for short periods if you are in a mentor position with someone.

In all of these examples, note that you cannot dominate the conversation all the time. If you want an arbitrary guideline of when it is time to stop talking, try conversating for two minutes. After that, pause and take stock of everyone’s interest. If they seem to still be interested, you can go on for a little longer. You might also want to pause to see if anyone has questions. This will give the other people in the conversation a chance to direct it while still letting you take the spotlight.

Why do Some People Hog the Conversation?

Most of the time, people want the spotlight for innocent reasons. Some people, though, may dominate the conversation because they think they are the only ones with something worthwhile to offer. They may start out innocently, by correcting a grammatical misstep or fact-checking someone else in the conversation. Once a person like this sees an opening, however, he will continue an assault on the conversation, slowly tearing apart everyone else’s point of view while defending his own. His goal is to enlighten you by showing you how his point of view is the only correct one. All he asks in return is that you acknowledge his obviously superior status above you. If you disagree with him, or actually argue, prepare to face a barrage of questions delivered in a tone that alternates between condescending and offended. For all of his questions, there are only two points he wants to make: You are not as smart as he is, so do not presume to question him — and because you are not as smart as he, you should not interfere while he is dispensing his wisdom upon the intellectually inferior.

Someone who dominates a conversation in this way may or may not be smarter than you. His flaw is not about being smart or socially unaware; the flaw is in being arrogant. If you suspect that you have adopted this attitude, there is one more step you need to take in order to stop hogging the spotlight. Remind yourself that other people’s points of view are just as valid as your own and deserve equal time. In fact, some people have the opposite problem you have: low self-esteem.

Self-Esteem

You might not believe you are someone other people would want to talk to, and this may be your reason for not wanting to start a conversation. Or, you may think other people would be offended if you initiated a conversation. You might even think you are boring, and that no one would want to talk to you. If this sounds at all familiar, you are probably suffering from low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, low self-esteem is pretty common in American society, and on some level, it is even encouraged. We qualify the compliments people give us, downplay our accomplishments, and in general berate ourselves more for our mistakes than we praise ourselves for our triumphs. Fortunately, there are hundreds of resources available to help you patch up your self-esteem and make you feel good about who you are. Below are some effective tips to help you feel better about yourself:

1. List your strengths. Everyone has them, including you. If you are not sure what your strengths are, ask people who know you, such as your friends or family. Your family in particular is usually the best resource for discovering your strengths. Find at least four or five strengths, write them down, and put the list in a safe place where you can look at it often, such as a desk drawer or the bulletin board in your home office. You might also want to make a travel copy to keep in your purse or wallet. Remind yourself of them from time to time. For instance, if you are feeling down because you cannot play basketball well, remind yourself that you have a great sense of humor. If you feel depressed because you do not think you are a good writer, remind yourself that you are good at playing the trumpet.

2. Remember that nobody is perfect. This can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, especially if you are comparing yourself to someone who is more popular than you. While you may be able to see all the ways in which you fall short, remember that other person has flaws, too. Maybe you have never heard him sing because he cannot carry a tune with two hands and a net. Maybe he is bad at math, or he is scared of dogs. Just remember: You have your strengths, and he has his.

3. Concentrate on improving your strengths. Think about what you can do to strengthen your good qualities. Maybe you could write a short story, or create your own stand-up comedy routine. Find a project that corresponds to your strengths — and work on it. The project does not have to be big. Getting an A on the next math test is perfectly acceptable, but so is making stir-fry for dinner or cleaning your desk.

4. Celebrate your victories. When you succeed at something, take a moment to congratulate yourself. Entirely too many people succeed at a project and refuse to let themselves feel good, even for a little while, because they are afraid other people might see them as being arrogant. Forget that attitude. When you finish a project or succeed at a task, congratulate yourself. If you get an A on that math test, take a few moments and feel good about what you did. If you baked some cookies that turned out well, celebrate your baking prowess. You deserve to feel good after succeeding.

5. Stretch your limits and impress yourself. Every so often, do something you did not think you could do. Take a dance class, read something at a poetry slam, or even volunteer at a homeless shelter. Nothing raises self-esteem like doing something you did not think you could do. You will impress yourself, and while you are busy being impressed, why not celebrate the fact that you succeeded in going beyond your limits?

6. Stay away from negativity. Of course, there is no shortage of people out there who will be more than happy to take you down a few notches if they think you are not doing a good enough job on your own. It is easy to criticize someone else, and a sad truth of society is that many people will rush to put you down just to make themselves feel better. During a speech in Paris in 1910, President Teddy Roosevelt had something to say about this:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.”

It is always easier to criticize. Do not hang around these people if you can possibly help it. Instead, make an effort to be with people who appreciate you. Your family is usually the best source of positive emotions and praise.

7. Stop thinking negative thoughts. Once you have stopped other people from unduly criticizing you, take the next step and stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. If you keep thinking that you cannot succeed, or that you will never be a good boyfriend or girlfriend, you will not. Your negative thoughts will lead to your failing, a phenomenon known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, first stop yourself. Take a one-minute break and calm yourself down. You might want to breathe deeply to help subdue yourself. Then acknowledge that you have limitations, but also say something positive about yourself. For instance, if you are thinking that you will be a bad boyfriend because you get tongue-tied, admit that sometimes you do not know the right thing to say. But then tell yourself that despite being tongue-tied, you can always remember important dates, like birthdays and anniversaries.

8. Honestly assess your weaknesses. When you feel that you have stemmed the tide of negativity in your life, you can take a look at yourself and honestly assess your weaknesses. However, do not let yourself be discouraged by them. Instead, acknowledge that they exist, and if they trouble you, start brainstorming ways in which you can overcome these weaknesses. If you are bad with managing money, for instance, make a commitment to yourself that you will record all your purchases at 8 p.m., every day of the week. Above all, remember: You are working on improving your weaknesses because it makes you feel good, not because you are worthless until you overcome your weaknesses.

9. Learn to appreciate yourself. No matter who you are, you do something every day that you can be proud of. Learn to spot those things and feel good about yourself for doing them. Maybe you are well-organized. Maybe you paid a bill on time. Maybe you just got some ironing done. No matter what it is, take some time during the day and celebrate those little accomplishments.

10. Do not expect an overnight change. Raising your self-esteem is a process. It will take some time to establish the habits of congratulating yourself and focusing on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Do not be discouraged, though. Instead of focusing on the big picture of your self-esteem, just concentrate on the little day-to-day goals. By the time you make those goals a habit, you will be surprised at how much better you feel about yourself, and you will feel a lot better about walking up to people and starting conversations with them.

Conversation Among Different Personality Types

One of the subtler barriers to communicating with someone is when personality types clash. If you happen to be someone who likes to know all the details before making a decision, and you have a conversation with someone who makes choices based on instinct, the likelihood of you and her being able to effectively communicate is rather slim. When you know the different types of personalities and the way everyone communicates, you will be more likely to hold meaningful conversations with people.

The first question when discussing different personality types is this: How can you group personalities? One of the most commonly accepted ways is with the Myers-Briggs Type IndicatorSM. This test is now so common it can easily be found online, and it “grades” your personality by asking you questions that place you on one side or another of four dichotomies. A sidebar on how to find this test is included later in this chapter. The test is based on the theories of psychologist Carl Jung, who provided the first three dichotomies, while Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Myers-Briggs added the fourth dichotomy. This creates 16 different personality types. Psychologist David Keirsey has based his work on personality temperaments on the Myers-Briggs test, and his observations on the temperaments have been melded with the Myers-Briggs test over time.

The four main dichotomies

Introversion

You are introspective and reflective

Extroversion

You are outgoing and active

Feeling

You empathize with the factors involved and come to a conclusion that will be the best fit emotionally for all involved

Thinking

You make logical decisions from which you have detached yourself emotionally

Sensing

You gather and trust information that is concrete and tangible

Intuitive

You trust abstract information, such as random flashes of insight

Judgment

You prefer to have definite answers

Perception

You prefer situations to be open-ended

These four pairs of dichotomies combine to form your personality type. A person might be INFJ — introverted intuitive feeling judging — for instance. The different personality types have their own way of communicating, which may not be understood by the others. General guidelines do exist for communicating with each dichotomy type.

Introverts

What about talking to the extrovert’s mirror image — the introvert? As you might expect, introverts are not spontaneous conversationalists; their energy gets drained from interpersonal interaction. They like to be alone, and they have many independent activities that they feel comfortable doing alone, so loneliness is not a problem. They are also better at understanding nonverbal communication. Due to their reserved natures, an introvert is more likely to have a small group of close friends as opposed to a wide network of people he or she knows on a first-name basis. Introverts can be hard to get to know initially, but as you get to know them, you will be surprised to find out how good they can be at having a conversation.

Unfortunately, when placed next to extroverts, introverts tend to fade into the background. Extroverts tend to misunderstand introverts’ quietness, mistaking it for being condescending. Extroverts may even view an introvert’s behavior as being weak, or as being an antisocial snob who needs to be put in his or her place. As you might suspect, introverts even have a difficult time talking to other introverts.

If you are not an introvert and want to talk with people who are, you will have to tone yourself down. Resist the urge to continue talking at them unless they try to force their way into the conversation. Instead, once you have finished with your thought, just stop and listen to what they have to say. You may even want to ask them to comment on your thoughts, remembering that if they disagree, they probably will not just come out and say so.

This brings up another point to remember when dealing with introverts — respect their privacy. It will take time to get an introvert to open up to you, so do not pry. This may be frustrating to extroverts, so while talking to an introvert, just remember they have a different thought process than you. In time, you might be surprised at how deep a conversation you can have with an introvert.

Extroverts

Extroverts are easy to talk to. They thrive on interaction with others and actually draw energy from the people around them. They are also very excited to participate in group activities. They like talking to someone in person versus over the telephone or through e-mail or instant messaging, and you do not have to worry about what they are thinking — they will tell you exactly what is on their minds. They tend to say what they mean, without hidden levels of subtlety.

Despite what you might expect, extroverts are not perfect at holding conversations with others. Their directness is often accompanied by a lack of thought over whether they should say something before they have said it. This can result in hurting someone’s feelings. When talking to introverts, extroverts have a tendency to steamroller themselves over the introvert, not giving her a chance to get a word in edgewise. This can look bad to introverts, and they may see an extroverted person as being superficial if they do not keep thoughts in reserve. Introverts might also see an extrovert as insincere, because an extrovert’s talkativeness may come across as being too friendly to an introvert.

When talking to an extrovert, you will want to keep in mind that an extrovert may be a master of small talk. You will also want to make sure you look interested while you are talking with him or her, and give constant feedback about how you feel. You may even want to start a conversation with her.

Feelers

Feelers are, of course, more concerned with emotions. They are empathetic to other people, and when they talk to people, they are friendly. They consider values rather than facts, and assess the effect of those values on other people. When they want to persuade someone, they speak to someone’s emotions, and their arguments are subjective. However, they are also inviting to other people talking to them. As you might have guessed, feelers are not very objective. They can let their emotions and enthusiasm get the better of them. As a result, a feeler is more likely to meander than a thinker is. Since a feeler generally relies on his emotions, expressing negative emotions, like anger or sadness, is not easy, as they can get swept up in the feeling.

If you are going to communicate to feelers, talk about how your ideas affect them. Make sure the feelers see that your ideas are meaningful to them in some way. Do not just state the facts, and be ready to acknowledge any paradoxes a feeler brings up. Remember: You are talking to someone who is more interested in living life than having it all make sense in the end. When you are listening to a feeler, make sure you express appreciation for their contributions. Figure out what their feelings on the issue are, and speak to them.

Thinkers

Thinkers and feelers function similarly to sensors and intuitives. A thinker prizes rational thought and, as such, is very rational and objective. In order to maintain their objectivity, they are also precise. They tend to shun personal involvement, and as a result they are fair-minded in their style of thought. Thinkers love discussion and debates, and they are focused on their goals. Thinkers do not like to fritter away time.

Thinkers can be cold, though. Their devotion to being objective and rational can make them seem impersonal, and they may be too critical of others, especially if others need to be supported instead of criticized. Their preciseness and goal-oriented mindset can be tedious to deal with, and while their critical-thinking skills are to be applauded, the ideas they devote their skills to may be less so. Imagine the best printing press in the world churning out copies of the National Enquirer and you have a good idea of the problem.

Conversing with a thinker requires keeping small talk to a minimum and focusing on the facts. Do not go into detail about how you feel about the facts; just state them and make your argument. You will want to be objective, though. Do not show a bias unless you can objectively prove it. Thinkers also appreciate when you point out the pros and cons based on the facts. Seeing both sides of an issue is a good way to see an argument from a thinker’s point of view.

Sensors

Communicating with a sensing person requires a logical approach. Sensors are concerned with usefulness and are very detail-oriented. They can give specific examples, and their preoccupation with order, timeliness, and cost means that they can set and follow schedules. Of course, sensors are less experienced when they think about theories and creating possibilities out of facts. They may be seen as pessimistic because they are problem-solvers and, as a result, look for problems to solve, and they can be concerned about facts to the point of nitpicking.

When you talk with a sensor, avoid using symbolism and metaphors, although you might be able to slip in a simile here and there. Instead, be direct. Talk about things that are already possible, and discuss conclusions that you can draw from factual information. Sensors are less prone to be convinced by enthusiasm and may dismiss overly enthusiastic people as irrational, so be even-tempered when talking to them.

Intuitives

Since intuitive people are the opposite of sensing people, their communication style is less fact-based. They rely on their hunches and their imagination, and they come up with ideas based on flashes of insight and consideration of possibilities. When they talk, intuitives use language that speaks to the right brain — the emotional side. They use metaphors and symbols. You also do not want to talk to intuitives about a schedule, since their style of thinking leads them in their own direction, away from the established agenda. They also love unique and original approaches to ideas, and function very well as abstract thinkers. The downside of talking to an intuitive is that they can sometimes be unclear about their ideas, since they are wrapped up in colorful language. They may also drive sensors crazy with their ideas of possibility and abstract thinking, and many practical-minded people see communicating with intuitive thinkers as a waste of time.

When you talk to intuitives, be sure to express your views in an original way. Usually, this means simply making your speech more colorful and embracing the intuitive’s style of using colorful language. Since the colorful language intuitives use is a way for them to draw comparisons and relationships, do the same when discussing ideas with them. Interpret facts, and do not rely on them too much. For intuitives, personal experience trumps stating facts, and the conclusions drawn from facts do not always match up with their experiences.

Judgers

The final axis is judging and perception. A judger is a purposeful communicator, with his or her mind set on finishing tasks and sticking to schedules. Judgers prepare well in advance, and their goal is to seek closure on an issue. If you do not like needless digressions, you will love working with judges. However, judges can be killjoys. They usually do not like surprises, and they are generally inflexible and lacking in spontaneity. They can be overly serious at times, and their desire to close the book on issues can lead them to make decisions without having all the facts available. When you talk to a judger, be decisive. Do not agree with their line of reasoning and then point out a hole in it; instead, tell them plainly what you think and explain your thought process. You will also want to be timely when communicating with a judger.

Perceivers

Perceivers, being the judgers’ opposites, are more flexible in their thinking. They can accommodate different points of view, and they focus on options rather than conclusions. They are more likely to come up with contingency plans, and they adapt better than judgers. They respond better to new data, too. Of course, perceivers are not as decisive as judgers, and they can even be indecisive. Their flexibility can lead to being unprepared, and their constant attempts to see all the options can lead them to undermine themselves. Their attempts to consider all the information can also lead them to make the right decision, but too late for it to do any good.

When you are talking with a perceiver, expect the unexpected. The flexibility of a perceiver all but ensures that the conversation will be disrupted. You will also want to consider both sides of the issue you are discussing, and follow the perceivers’ lead by avoiding jumping to conclusions on an issue. Judgers may enjoy talking to perceivers, though, because perceivers can benefit from someone providing a bit of control.

Personality Sub-Types

These four pairs of dichotomies combine to form your personality type. A person might be INFJ — introverted intuitive feeling judging — for instance. The test is based on the theories of psychologist Carl Jung, who provided the first three dichotomies, while Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Meyers added the fourth dichotomy. This creates 16 different personality types. Psychologist David Keirsey has based his work on personality temperaments on the Meyers-Briggs test.

ISTJ: Introversion/sensing/thinking/judging. Keirsey calls them Inspectors. These types are well-organized, sensible, and learn best when they are given exact directions. They are not theoretical thinkers. About 11.6 percent of the world’s population are Inspectors.

ISFJ: Introversion/sensing/feeling/judging. They are called Protectors. These types are meticulous, responsible, and observant. They are very thoughtful, and they tend to be caretakers for other people. They are quiet people, and may be mistaken for being aloof when in reality they are just shy. They make up 13.8 percent of the population.

INFJ: Introversion/intuitive/feeling/judging. They are Idealists, according to Keirsey. They are private people, although they are well-liked by their friends. They tend to not open up to many people, and if their feelings are hurt, they may simply go away rather than confronting the problem. Their main goal is to get a better understanding of themselves and those around them, then work to make things better. Only 1.5 percent of people are Idealists.

INTJ: Introversion/intuitive/thinking/judging. Keirsey calls them Masterminds. It is one of the least-encountered personality types — only 1 percent of the population are Masterminds. These people are pragmatic, but they do have a creative, individualistic streak in them. They tend to keep in the background as they develop their own theories.

ISTP: Introversion/sensing/thinking/perception. They are Crafters. They are very tool-oriented and usually focus on mastering one specific tool. They are reserved and task-oriented. They keep to the background — but when they do communicate with other people, they are very adept at getting others to go along with them. About 5.4 percent of the world is ISTP.

ISFP: Introversion/sensing/feeling/perception. They are called Composers. These types make up 8.8 percent of the population, and are firmly oriented in the present. Composers are extremely perceptive in the temperament of others, and notice differences in the world around them sooner than other personality types. They are reserved when talking to other people, and sympathetic to the people with whom they interact.

INFP: Introversion/intuitive/feeling/perception. Keirsey calls them Healers. They make up 4.3 percent of the population. Healers are typically devoted to causes and are generally selfless in their devotion. The fact that Healers are very compassionate means they choose causes intended to benefit society. Healers are very emotional, and may get themselves into trouble by not considering the facts. Their empathy means that they can relate well to other people, but they are comfortable working alone.

INTP: Introversion/intuitive/thinking/perception. These are Keirsey’s Architects. They are very analytical and introverted to the point where they may shut out people in order to focus on the task at hand. This means they are not easy to get close to, and they do themselves no favors by pointing out the inconsistencies and errors in other people’s trains of thought during logical conversation. Architects are excellent debaters, but their constant attempts to be efficient can come off as arrogant to others. Architects make up 3.3 percent of the world.

ESTP: Extroversion/sensing/thinking/perception. They are Promoters who make up 4.3 percent of the population. They are very expressive and good at persuading people to do what they want. They are the ones who seem to always know where the best parties are or what the latest fashion trends are. Promoters like to be surrounded with the finer things in life, but they also like to share their wealth with others. They like to sell themselves, and promoters are very gifted at getting other people to trust them, which is a definite advantage in conversations.

ESFP: Extroversion/sensing/feeling/perception. They are Performers, the kind of people who walk the balance between informative and colorful when talking to others. Performers have a lust for life, and they live for the day, trusting that everything will eventually work out. They do not like to be alone, which is good for the people around them, because performers also tend to be extremely generous. ESFPs make up 8.5 percent of the world.

ENFP: Extroversion/intuitive/feeling/perception. They are Champions and make up 8.1 percent of the population. As their name suggests, they champion causes, ethics, and justice in general. They are charismatic, especially when championing a cause, and are very aware of the social environment. They are focused on what is possible, yet they are also sensitive to the needs of others. Champions can be spontaneous, although they may clash with people who are resistant to change.

ENTP: Extroversion/intuitive/thinking/perception. These are Inventors. They are nonconformists, pragmatic, and introspective. They rise to challenges, and they are always looking for something new on which to work. Inventors use their social skills to convince other people to accept their ideas. Inventors are good conversationalists and are not judgmental. They see no reason to go along with tradition unless the facts back it up, and that is the Inventors’ weakness. They are prone to debate instead of discussion, which may alienate people who might otherwise support them. Inventors make up 3.2 percent of the population.

ESTJ: Extroversion/sensing/thinking/judging. They are Supervisors and the ones who are the leaders in non-profit and civil service positions. They are traditionalists, and no one has quite mastered the tried-and-true ways of doing things like a Supervisor. In conversation, Supervisors are adroit at expressing themselves, and are very straightforward. They make up 8.8 percent of the population.

An ESFJ: Extroversion/sensing/feeling/judging. They have Provider personalities. Like Supervisors, they are traditionalists, but extremely outgoing. They are very concerned with current events, particularly neighborhood news. They are also likely to begin talking with strangers. When talking to others, they are empathetic to the point of self-consciousness. Criticism can easily hurt a Provider, since they like to be appreciated. ESFJs make up 12.3 percent of the population.

ENFJ: Extroversion/intuitive/feeling/judging. They are Teachers, who look for the best in everyone and try to bring it out. They are extremely intuitive and tend to mirror other people in order to develop emotional bonds with them. Perhaps this is why they are so good at understanding how other people think and feel. Most of their communication with other people entails concern for them and attempting to help solve other people’s problems. They are tolerant, enthusiastic, and sympathetic. Teachers make up 2.4 percent of the world’s population.

ENTJ: Extroversion/intuitive/thinking/judging. They are also called the Field Marshal, and they encompass one of the smallest numbers of personality types, just 1.3 percent of the population. They are good strategists, and use their propensity for both logic and abstract thinking to construct new ideas after breaking down and refining existing ideas. Field Marshals rise to leadership positions and are very goal-oriented. They are straightforward and analytical, but not bound to tradition. They may hurt some feelings along the way, as they may ignore emotional needs in favor of factual information.

Find Your Type

If you would like to know what personality type you are according to the Myers-Briggs test, several versions of the test are available. The Web site Human Metrics has a free Myers-Briggs test at www.humanmetrics.com, as does the Personality Test Center at www.personalitytest.net and Similar Minds at http://similarminds.com. There are plenty of other Web sites that will also administer a Myers-Briggs test and charge you for the results and analysis.

If you want to pay for a result, make sure your money is well-spent. Find a qualified analyst at the web site of the Association for Psychological Type International (www.aptinternational.org), or go to the Center for Applications of Psychological Type to take an online assessment (www.capt.org). Be warned: Qualified analysts will charge more for their services than other companies that charge to analyze your results.

Conversation and Different Cultures

Talking with people from a different culture can sometimes prove a huge obstacle to conversation. The big reason behind this is that many people freeze up, becoming self-conscious about not presenting a bad stereotype of their culture while they are talking. Talking with people from other cultures does not have to be stressful; in fact, it can be very rewarding. You will learn a lot about how similar people are, regardless of their customs.

When you meet someone, remember that a handshake is considered polite in many countries other than the United States. It is considered polite in most parts of Europe and Eastern Europe, the Philippines, South America, Greece, Japan, China, parts of Africa, Mexico, Canada, and Russia. You can use a medium-strength handshake in the Middle East, including Israel and India — but only if you are male.

For example, in Switzerland, three kisses on the cheek is seen as a polite greeting for two people who know each other well and have not seen each other for an extended period of time. Hugs and other displays of emotion or affection among Swiss people are not seen as widely socially acceptable. If two people do not know each other very well, a handshake is always acceptable when seeing each other after any period of time. Also, if two people do not know each other very well, avoid talking about personal subjects.

In other countries, such as those in Asia, you may also see some people bowing to each other, and want to do the same to be respectful. While this is an admirable gesture, you are better off just nodding your head. Bowing, particularly in Japan, is a complex social maneuver that depends upon your social status and the other person’s social status. Bowing your head is easier and conveys just as much respect coming from a foreigner. Additionally, most Asian countries do not accept kisses on the cheek as a widely socially acceptable greeting.

Interesting Greeting Customs Around the World

Outside of the greeting, there is the issue of personal space, which can be even more intimidating to people than figuring out how to shake someone’s hand. In Italy and South America, for instance, personal space only extends out about 1 foot. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Japan, where everyone gets 3 feet of personal space to themselves.

The best way to handle this is to stand about 2 feet away from someone who is from a different culture when talking to them. If you are an American, that is just a step away and it lets you easily adjust your distance, depending on the culture you are dealing with.

To Look or Not to Look?

One behavior that has caused numerous cultural conflicts is whether to establish eye contact. In many societies, establishing eye contact is a sign of respect or honesty, while avoiding eye contact is a sign of shiftiness or dishonesty. However, in several Asian countries, avoiding eye contact is a sign of respect. As an example, Asian students who have immigrated to the United States and American teachers who are teaching English at Japanese schools have had difficulty while communicating, as Asian students do not look at their teachers while talking.

Once you start talking, you might wonder what subjects you should stay away from in order to avoid offending people. The way to do this is almost absurdly simple. As a general rule, do not bring up stereotypes or unpleasant chapters in their country’s history. However, this does not mean you should completely avoid the topic of the country or history altogether — just try to keep the conversation positive. Talk about some of the country’s history, or some of the cultures. For instance, when talking to a German you can ask about Oktoberfest, lederhosen, and the kinds of beer available, and you might even want to politely ask why Germany values its beer so highly. You will find that people from other countries love to discuss their culture and their values with other people, particularly if they are really curious.

Do Not Assume

One of the most important rules you should remember when talking with someone from a different country is not to assume. For instance, you may be talking with someone who speaks in a French accent, but that does not necessarily mean he is from France. Switzerland and Belgium citizens both speak French, and a Belgian with a French accent may be impossible to distinguish from the accent of a true French citizen. Or if you meet a person with Asian features, do not assume he or she is from Japan or China because Thailand, Singapore, Cambodia, Vietnam, Taiwan, and South Korea are all viable options. For that matter, do not assume he is from Asia; he might be from Cleveland, for all you know. Instead, play it safe and just ask people where they are from. They will not be offended, and you will have saved yourself a lot of trouble, not to mention potential embarrassment.

English as a Second Language

While it is entirely possible that you will be speaking to someone from another country who knows English as well as her first language, it is also entirely possible that you will not. Trying to learn a second language is tough, even without all the cultural slang and idioms. You may know what you mean when someone says “That rocked!” but someone from another country might be wondering what a rock has to do with liking something.

In order to better talk with someone from another country, make yourself speak clearly and slowly enough to enunciate your words. You will also want to avoid long sentences when talking with a non-native speaker. Use short phrases, be patient while the other person tries to translate, and listen closely when he answers. Remember that speaking a foreign language where everyone is fluent leads to many people feeling self-conscious, and perhaps slightly embarrassed, about their inability to express themselves with eloquence. If you are talking with a non-native speaker and he apologizes for his lack of familiarity with the English language, encourage him. Say “Actually, I think you are doing very well! How long have you been studying English?” Not only will you encourage him to continue the conversation, but you have just slipped in another open-ended question and moved the conversation forward in the process.

Too Formal, or not Formal Enough?

The chances are good that if you are reading this book, you are an American and are used to speaking informally.

As a result, most countries see Americans as being very friendly. However, Americans are also seen as being too aggressive with their informality — being too familiar with people from other countries before their culture finds the familiarity acceptable. In general, try to keep yourself more formal and reserved when you are talking to people from other countries. Of course, some countries have the reputation as being less formal than Americans. Italian culture, for instance, is usually considered boisterous, especially considering their animated conversation style and their smaller circle of personal space.

Give Them a Break

When talking to someone from another country, chances are she may say something about your country or its citizens that you really do not agree with. For instance, a common stereotype of Americans overseas is that they are loud, gun-carrying violent types. As an American, you know that is not true, but what if you are talking to someone from Latvia who says, “Why do all you Americans carry guns?”

If this happens, the best advice to follow is to not take offense. You may feel embarrassed at being confronted with the stereotype, and you might even feel indignant at being grouped into the stereotype, but do not take it personally. The person is curious, and he probably did not mean to offend you. Instead, let him know that it is a stereotype and does not apply to everyone. Say something like, “I can see why you might think all Americans carry guns, but most of us do not.” If no one you know carries a gun, feel free to tell him that.

However, you might fit into a stereotype. Suppose you do carry a gun, but you still want to disprove the stereotype. You can still tell your friend from Latvia that most Americans do not carry guns, and just not mention that you are carrying one yourself. If he asks whether you carry a gun, you are free to say you would rather not discuss the issue. However, if you do admit you carry a gun, you can use your admission as a way to educate him. Let him know that you do carry a gun, but it is not because you want to use it; instead, you carry a gun because of your profession, or because you want to defend yourself. You can also let him know about the steps a person has to take to legally carry a concealed weapon in America — not to mention the price you pay if you actually do shoot someone. Take the opportunity to educate the other person.

Another common mistake that people from another culture can make is asking questions that violate your sense of privacy. In America, asking someone how much she earns is often considered a breach of etiquette among all but close friends and family. So is pointing out physical flaws, such as being overweight or bald. If someone asks a question that you would prefer not to answer, do not take offense. You can try answering the question without giving away any personal information. If someone asks whether you are wealthy, for instance, you can discuss the salary range for people in your career, or talk about the people who are truly wealthy. (If you happen to be truly wealthy, you can just come out and say so.) On the other hand, you may want to gently let the other person know that he has asked a personal question. Tell him, “You know, in this country, we consider those kinds of questions personal. Would you mind if I choose not to answer?”

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