Chapter 3

Body Language

Like most people, you probably think that everyone can understand the language you speak and the context you are using. But this is not always true. Sometimes, all it takes to break down communication barriers is a few symbols or gestures everyone understands. Knowing what symbols mean what in every culture can be a big help in breaking down the communication walls. In America, if we give the thumbs up signal, it means everything is OK, or that something was done well, but in other countries, it can mean something completely different. In Europe, it means the number “one;” in Australia, it means “sit on this;” in Greece, it means “shove it;” in Japan, it means “man,” or the number five. The shoulder shrug, however, is universal to every country as the “I don’t know” symbol.

The symbol for “OK” is seen differently than it is in the U.S., but is becoming more well-known around the world, partly thanks to American television being broadcast internationally. If you place you thumb and forefinger together in a circle with the remainder of your fingers extended, then you have the symbol for “OK.” Within the Mediterranean region, as well as Russia, Brazil, and Turkey, the “OK” symbol is understood as a “sexual insult;” in Tunisia, France, and Belgium it symbolizes “zero” or that something is “worthless;” and in Japan it means “money” or “coins.”

Misusing body language, whether accidental or deliberately, can lead to conversation barriers — long before words are exchanged. People who wonder why no one wants to talk to them usually have body language that inadvertently tells people to keep their distance. While you have ten seconds to get someone’s attention when starting a conversation, you may not be aware that you only have three seconds to form a good first impression. Just by looking at your body language, another person will be able to immediately tell if you are approachable for conversation or if you would rather be left alone.

Reading the entire body, as a cluster of gestures, before jumping to conclusions, is very important when developing social, personal, and business relationships. Insincerity or dishonesty can be detected when the cluster of body language clues are in conflict with one another. When a man tells a woman that he loves her, but then stares at another woman passing by, there is a conflict in what he is saying. The sincerity is not there when he says his words. Likewise, when someone says he or she is doing just fine, but the face is telling you the person is sad, it is then known that the person is not able to talk about his or her feelings. Knowing the when, why, where, and who of body language helps you discover the true meaning behind the nonverbal clues. Advanced information on body language is included in Appendix A.

Misreading Body Language

According to several studies, the latest one performed by Hickson, Stacks, and Moore in 2004, nonverbal communication amounts to between 63 percent and 93 percent of the information transmitted while talking. Therefore, knowing how people read your body language and knowing how to use body language are important factors in your communication skills.

Not knowing what a gesture’s true meaning is can cause you to misread a signal. Stereotyping or generalizing the meaning of a gesture can cause faulty interpretations of a gesture. For instance, someone who is grieving a loss will sit with his or her head in his or her hand, but someone who is bored with the conversation happening will also do this. The other person speaking may interpret the gesture for boredom as apposed to grieving or vice versa. If you are unsure of a meaning to a gesture, then consult someone who has more experience with the culture you will encounter. A teacher may have a better knowledge of the involuntary gestures children have, and a coach will have a better understanding of the gestures an athlete has. At the office, you will need to know how to act professionally and employ the right body language for the meaning you want to convey. Employee body language is covered more in-depth in Chapter 8 and in Appendix A.

While a lot of non-verbal communication is so ingrained as to be performed unconsciously, the good news is that you can intentionally use non-verbal communication to make yourself appear friendly, sociable, and a good listener. Just as you can select the kind of clothes that will make the best impression at an interview, you can employ the kind of body language that will make people want to come up, talk to you, and continue talking to you.

The Good Body Language Guide

Good body language is open and inviting, thus making people more receptive to the idea of going up and talking to you. Despite the name, body language is not a new language to be mastered, like sign language. Everyone uses body language, whether they realize it or not. When you smile while watching television, for instance, you are communicating that you are happy about the show that is being broadcast. When you scowl at the cup you are holding, you are signaling that you do not like the taste of the coffee.

All you have to do to create body language that invites communication is be aware of the techniques that create a good, open impression.

Keep in mind that, if you put the first letter of each technique together, it spells SKSLNK. On second thought, maybe that is not very helpful.

Case Study: Body Language on Stage

Charles Boyer

Musician

Lead singer, 5 Billion Dead

Charles Boyer has been a part of the local music scene for the past four years. He is currently the lead singer to a band call 5 Billion Dead. You can listen to his music by visiting www.myspace.com/5billiondead.

Boyer believes that as a musician he needs to understand the basics of body language in order to help his band succeed. As the front man, he has to be able to read the crowd and pump them up when they look lackluster. He is able to match his body language to the music by feeling it.

When the music is aggressive, he will act it out accordingly; and when it is mellow, he will relax himself. Boyer believes that the audience indeed pays attention to the body language of the band. The audience relies on the band as a whole to get them pumped up and to stay excited. The audience will notice their every move, even if they do not realize they do it. The audience’s reactions are all that matters to Boyer. He has to pay attention to what they do and don’t respond to. Portraying the raw emotions of the music with his body language involves his entire body and the way he carries himself.

When he is performing a sad song, that emotion will translate through his facial expressions and his slumped body language. He likes to use the memory of the emotion he used to write the song take over his mind, and his body language will adjust itself to portray that feeling. He has had people express to him how they felt when he was performing a certain song, so he believes that the audience understands and is able to read enough of his body language.

As far as using body language to convey a musician’s feelings in the music business, it can be either a pro or con. Usually, the audience believes in the emotions conveyed: The musicians who “let it flow” from the inside have an affect on people. However, some musicians try to create a certain way of expressing themselves on stage, and that comes across as contrived to most people. Pinpointing a person’s everyday body language is much more difficult than sensing the feel of the crowd as a whole. Boyer’s stage presence is 50 percent due to the audience’s body language and 50 percent of his musicianship. But, when it comes to his own feelings, he relies 100 percent on those to create the appropriate body language for the song he is singing.

Smile to be approachable

The first technique is the easiest — smile. Smiling indicates friendliness, implies openness to meeting other people, and sends out a nonverbal invitation for other people to smile back. If that were not enough of a draw for other people, a smile is also an implied compliment. So the next time you are at a party and see someone you want to talk with, smile at him or her.

Frowning, on the other hand, is a warning message to everyone involved. So is looking serious or deep in thought. When you are frowning or looking deep in thought, you are giving off signals that you do not want anyone to talk to you.

How should you smile at someone? After studying several smiling techniques, conversation expert Leil Lowndes has come up with one method she believes trumps the rest. When you see someone, do not immediately break out into a smile. Instead, stare at the person for a second. Take their measure, as your grandparents might have said. Then let a smile spread across your face. This works much better than flashing a quick smile at someone, because it gives the other person the impression that your smile is meant exclusively for him or her. It is a flattering assumption, and it will make him or her feel good about talking to you as long as the conversation lasts.

Keep your chin up

While you are smiling, remember to keep your chin up. Not only does keeping your chin up let that smile you are wearing be broadcast to the rest of the crowd, but it also makes you appear more confident. Here is a quick study — the next time you are at party or a business function, look at the most charismatic people in the room. You will see their chins are up, broadcasting their smiles to the rest of the world. They are open for business, and they are welcoming all conversation.

A good way to practice keeping your chin up is to look at the foreheads of other people in the room. The natural inclination for most people is to keep their eyes at eye level, but staring at forehead level is a slight difference that most people cannot detect. It will keep your chin up, making your smile more inviting. As an added bonus, it will also make you appear more confident, which is always attractive to people looking for someone to engage in conversation.

The Handshake

Handshaking is an ancient ritual. It was reported as long ago as 2800 B.C. in Egypt. According to historian Charles Panati, folklore places the handshake even earlier and speculates that because the right hand is the weapon hand, presenting it open and without a sword came to be seen as a sign of peace and acceptance. Though archaic in origin, the handshake is still the most accepted form of greeting in our society in modern times. In both social and business situations, the handshake is important.

Welcome them with open arms

Another nonverbal signal that shows you are approachable is having your arms open. While crossing your arms may be comfortable, it sends out a strong signal to the rest of the world that you are annoyed or angry. For some people, it is a defense gesture. Drop your arms to your sides, or better yet have an excuse to keep them slightly away from your body. You will be sending out a cannot-miss nonverbal welcoming gesture.

This bit of information can seem counterintuitive. Some people try to get others to approach them by looking as though they are lost in thought, or pondering one of the great truths of the universe. This posture usually entails crossing your arms or putting a hand to your chin. The hope is that someone will approach and ask what you are thinking about, and a deep, meaningful conversation can ensue based off the initial deep thought. As you now know, this posture in fact has the opposite effect — people will assume you are thinking about something, but they will not want to interrupt you since you are thinking.

The habit of arm crossing can be very strong. In order to break it, keep one hand occupied. Get a drink and carry it around, or get a small plate of hors d’oeuvres. Women have an advantage here if they have a small strapless purse, which they can use the same way as a drink to stop their arms from crossing. You might also try to prevent your arms from crossing by sticking your hands in your pants pocket, but that will simply trap your arms to your sides, also signaling that you are closed off.

Other popular tricks for keeping your arms open include:

Keeping one hand busy can lead into the next technique for good body language — touch. While excessive touching is frowned on in society, we also consider some initial touching polite, especially in the form of a handshake. The next time you go to talk to someone, stick out your hand and offer it for the other person to shake. They will naturally respond with their corresponding hand, and you will have made a connection.

Factors to remember:

I am interested! I am interested!

Once you have established that you are receptive to talking with someone, you will want to focus on body language that lets people know you are interested in what they have to say. This can be accomplished by something as simple as leaning forward. When you are sitting next to another person who is talking to you, leaning forward indicates that you are interested in the other person and what he or she is saying. It encourages the other person to keep talking, secure in the knowledge that you appreciate what he or she is talking about. This can be counterintuitive for most people, who like to lean back while talking to someone else, especially during long conversations, in order to relax. Unfortunately, this posture signals to your conversation partner that you are not interested in what he or she has to say, or that you are not taking it seriously.

When you are leaning forward, do not lean in too far. At best, it will look awkward, and at worst you will be invading the other person’s personal space. To start with, stand straight, almost at attention. Then, lean in gently, as though you are going to stroke your chin with your hand. Actual chin-stroking, however, should not be attempted unless you are both a Victorian-era gentleman and have grown a goatee.

During a conversation, you will also want to nod occasionally to show understanding and agreement. Nodding also signals approval, so the person you are talking with will feel that you approve of what he or she is saying. However, moderate your nodding — you do not want to come off looking like a bobble head.

The eyes have it

The final piece of the puzzle when it comes to body language in conversation is eye contact. Unlike some of the other aspects of body language in communication, though, eye contact is more of a balancing act. Too much eye contact results in staring, which can make the other person feel extremely uncomfortable. Too little eye contact is just as bad. It gives the impression that you are not interested in the other person, and also gives him or her the impression that you are dishonest or shifty.

The best way to maintain eye contact is to start by focusing on the person’s eyes, then let your gaze wander over the person’s face. Try to picture his or her face as a painting, and let your eyes explore it. One warning, though — do not let your eyes concentrate in any one place, like the other person’s earlobes, for too long. Otherwise, the he or she may think there is something wrong with his earlobes. And as anyone who has ever felt that there might be something wrong with his or her earlobes knows, it can be very distracting during a conversation.

Look for these key eye movements in your next conversation:

The “Core” of Body Language

Have you ever left a job interview and were sure you nailed it, but never got the call back? What about when a manager gives you a review, and she tells you that you are a valuable asset to the company, but never gives you a higher rating than “good” or “satisfactory?” After going on a sales call to land a new client, have you ever not understood why you did not get the account after you got along great?

By reading the posture, eye contact, and gestures of the people you are talking to, you can decode their true feelings toward you. In a business setting, understanding body language can be the most important tool you have. The best example of nonverbal communication is body language. It is important to be a great listener in an office environment, but it is equally important to look for nonverbal clues. Most people are able to understand what is going on in a conversation, without hearing a thing the other party is saying, just by watching their actions. If you are interested in testing your ability to read body language, try this experiment:

Go home and turn on the TV. Make sure you find a sitcom with a lot of dialogue between the characters, mute the volume and watch it. There will be times when you can read the lips, but pay attention to the characters’ posture, how they move their hands around, the amount of personal space between them, their facial features, and the way they enter and leave the scene. Even if you have never seen the show before, you can probably figure out what is going on and how the characters feel about each other based on these things.

This method can be applied in your life as well. It will take some time to master your ability to read the body language of others, but with the help of The Core Method of Acceptance (Consistency, Openness, Reaction, and Expression); it can be a little easier. These methods will breakdown the different types of body language and help you to understand how each one works. The relationship between each of these steps and acceptance is important to understand, but first, you should learn what each word means.

C — Consistency

Remember the failed interview you thought you had nailed and use it as the basis for the explanation of consistency. This means the body language of the person speaking should match up with the verbal communication. In this case, words were spoken but the body language was inconsistent with what was said. If you are too focused on what is being said, you will miss all the clues held within the body language and facial expression of the other party.

O — Openness

Once you have an understanding of body language and are able to recognize that verbal and nonverbal communication does not always match, you can then take the reins and change the course of the conversation. This will determine just how open the other party is to you.

R — Reaction

Some reactions people can convey include disdain, shock, pensiveness, and apprehension. These can be seen through body language, but you should be paying attention to the distance between you and the other party along with the tone of voice the person is using.

E — Expression

The other party’s expression will ultimately lead to a relationship or limit the amount of time the two of you will spend together. Understanding facial expressions and why they are made (consciously and subconsciously) can give you great insight into their thoughts and your acceptance level.

Using Body Language to Flirt

Detecting and expressing attraction toward another person can be obvious with our body language. Flirting is the main behavior that will occur — both sexes use their eyes to signal their attraction to the other person. The male counterpart may stare for a prolonged period of time, without blinking at the woman, where as the female counterpart may bat, or flicker, her eyelids, or give a series of short gazes toward the man.

Flirting can be done with clothing choices. Women choose their clothing, jewelry, makeup, and they pay attention to how their nails and hair look in order to appear more attractive to her male counterpart. She will accentuate certain parts of her anatomy in order to attract a man. When a man has a deep voice, toned muscles, or a risky job (such as a fireman or policeman), he is naturally more attractive to women. Many women are attracted to a man in a uniform, especially combat gear such as what a soldier would wear, or what police officers and firefighters wear. Men, on the other hand, may find a woman with a nice body or a woman with a higher IQ more attractive.

Body language plays an important role in flirting. Initial flirting all begins with body language. One person can look at another and determine whether he or she is going to flirt with that person by how he or she has positioned their body. Eye contact, interpersonal distance, posture, facial expressions, touch, and gestures all are a part of the flirting ritual. According the Social Issues Research Centre’s study on flirting, people respond to flirting in various ways. If he or she is receptive, you will find him or her making eye contact, allowing you to invade his or her personal space, his or her facial expressions will be genuine instead of forced, the person’s posture is facing and directed at you or mimicking yours, and lightly touching him or her will have a positive response. There are some who are responsive to it and others who are not. If the person is not responsive to your flirting gestures, then he or she will avoid eye contact, back away from you when you get too close, have a forced smile, only have his or her head turned toward you while speaking, and he or she will be uncomfortable when you touch him or her. There are some people who do not realize that the other person is not receptive to his or her flirting.

A German ethnologist, Dr. Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, was one of the first people to perform a study on flirting back in 1960. Scientist discovered that when people flirt, they use submissive gestures that convey they are harmless.

The harmless gestures are:

The director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies, Dr. David Givens, discovered that women will constantly make a trip to the bathroom during the workday, provided that the person they are interested in has an office in that walking path, so that they can scout and be seen by the opposite sex. These are known as the “notice me” gestures that happen when the first phase of flirting occurs.

Women are better at reading flirtatious signals, because they spend so much more time perfecting them. Men are oftentimes oblivious to the signals and are seen as less perceptive. Women, according to studies, are the ones that initiate the courtship 90 percent of the time. This might be a surprising figure to those who believe men should pursue women first. If the man does not want to strike out, then he will wait for a signal from a woman before approaching her.

A woman being kind and friendly can sometimes be perceived as romantic interest from a man’s point of view, and they must be careful not to make this mistake. Men and women use smiling in different ways, and this is where the confusion lies. Women will use it to express their mood and men use it as a greeting gesture. It is because of these different uses of the same gesture that the man will think that the smile on a woman’s face is a courtship.

A perceptive person can spot a romance just from the body language of the two individuals involved. If you watch the way they interact with one another, you may notice the closeness of their body positions or that they cannot stop staring and smiling at each other.

There are obvious signs of flirting:

Along with the indications listed above, there are many other signals that can perpetrate an interest, such as touching, stroking or twirling of their hair, giggling and tilting the head. Harmless flirting can be an unwelcomed occurrence. According to the article “Quasi-Courtship Behavior in Psychotherapy” by Dr. Albert Scheflen, when men and women are coming toward each other from a distance, their bodies get prepared for a possible sexual encounter, giving them a more youthful appearance overall. When a body prepares for a sexual encounter, these changes occur:

Both parties continue to hold this posture until they have passed one another, and then they return to a normal position. The rejection clues should be obvious to everyone, because the body language will tell you that the advances are unwanted. The person who is avoiding eye contact, closes their body language, ignores statements, recoils to the touch, or grimaces is not interested and oftentimes people have difficulty in interpreting these signals.

Practice Makes Perfect

“Okay,” you tell yourself, “I now know how to show body language that is warm and welcoming. This is great, and it is really going to help me out. Now, how am I going to remember to do all this at the next social event I go to?”

The answer is simple — you are going to memorize your new body language. Do not worry; it is not as hard as memorizing the lines to a play or trying to remember the state of your company’s market share for the big meeting. What you are going to do to remember your new enhanced body language is use a common psychological technique.

Visualization is the first technique. Picture yourself walking through a door and into a party. Listen to the low-level chaos of 30 conversations all going on at once. Smell the pizza over by the snack bar. Now, as you are moving through this party, picture yourself smiling. Not a big, fake smile — just an easy grin, one that says you are at ease and comfortable. Next, picture yourself looking straight ahead, at forehead level. You are keeping your chin out. Now, as you see someone you would like to talk to, imagine yourself lowering your line of sight to stare into his or her eyes as you walk up and start to talk.

Visualize yourself doing this as often as possible, especially before a social event. If you do, you will be surprised at how easily projecting good body language comes to you, as though you have been physically practicing it for hours on end. As a matter of fact, visualization is essentially all practice. It is preparing you mentally, so your mind will know what to do when the time comes. Classical pianists and even long-distance runners use it to prepare for events. Do not worry, though — preparing to use good body language is nowhere near that demanding.

Artifacts and Impressions

Even after you have adjusted your body language and convey the demeanor of a pleasant person who anyone can approach, you may still have trouble getting people to speak to you. If this is the case, you might want to reconsider your sense of fashion. Your choices of clothing, sense of style, and even your selection of eyewear give off plenty of nonverbal cues that people use to decide whether they wish to talk with you. Your clothes and the accessories you choose give other people a sense of who you are. In the field of communications studies, they are called artifacts, and they communicate your heritage and your personal identity. For instance, if a woman is dressed in a business suit, she will be treated differently than if she is wearing a bridal gown or a pair of ripped jeans and a tank top.

Artifacts not only communicate our personal style, they also mark us as belonging to a certain group. A white lab coat and a stethoscope instantly identify someone as a medical professional, while the military has a distinctive style in both combat and civilian dress. In fact, at birth everyone is given artifacts “suitable” to their gender, ranging from colors of blankets to our parents’ selection of toys. Although currently parents try to be as nonsexist as possible, the odds are still pretty low that a father will buy his daughter a plastic machine gun for her birthday.

Your selection of artifacts influences how other people see you. Researchers Tracy L. Morris, Joan Gorham, Stanley H. Cohen, and Drew Huffman conducted research that showed college students expect a teacher’s assistant to have greater expertise if she dresses professionally instead of casually. However, the students also expected a teacher’s assistant to be friendlier and more casual if she was not dressed formally.

What this means in a business setting is that you will be judged by the clothing and accessories you wear, as well as how you wear them. If you wear a dress shirt that has a stain on it, you will be perceived as sloppy or of a lower social station than if you are wearing a clean dress shirt. While you may want to be seen as an individual, you have to walk a fine line between being yourself and fitting in with the crowd.

When dressing for a business event or a party, call ahead and find out what the dress code is. Is it casual, semi-casual, business casual, or formal? Once you have established the dress code, follow these guidelines:

While the individualist in you may be screaming in agony over conforming, you do not have to completely submerge your identity. Choose one or two items that subtly make you stand out from the rest of the crowd, such as jewelry, or the patterns on your socks or your tie. Remember, you still want to be you.

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