On January 10, 2015, I published an essay in the New York Times beneath a headline that would later become the title of this book: “Getting Grief Right.” From the perspective of a psychotherapist practicing for nearly forty years, I challenged the notion that mourning proceeds predictably and efficiently from one stage to the next or that grievers could expect to reach some psychological finish line, such as acceptance or closure.
That idea “is still deeply and rigidly embedded in our cultural consciousness and psychological language,” I wrote.
It inspires much self-diagnosis and self-criticism among the aggrieved. This is compounded by the often subtle and well-meaning judgment of the surrounding community. A person is to grieve for only so long and with so much intensity.
To be sure, some people who come to see me exhibit serious, diagnosable symptoms that require treatment. Many, however, seek help only because they and the people around them believe that time is up on their grief. The truth is that grief is as unique as a fingerprint, conforms to no timetable or societal expectation.1
My editors at the Times were amazed by the response. The piece was one of the most widely read stories in that day’s paper and inspired nearly four hundred online reader messages. “I’ve never, ever, seen a piece that inspired more comments that began with ‘Thank you,’” one editor said. “The piece was a real service.” I also received dozens of letters from around the country from readers and appreciative notes from many prominent members of my field.
“One of my children died of [SIDS] twenty-three years ago, and I wish I had seen the article then!” wrote one reader. “There is so much pressure in our society to be ‘better’ quickly; it is helpful to realize that there is no one path to grief.”
Another reader wrote: “A very thoughtful — and, I hope, helpful — article. My youngest son died in a car crash at age eighteen nearly five years ago. Our culture’s metaphors for grieving, such as ‘getting over it’ and ‘moving on’ are, in my experience, decidedly unhelpful. I have seen much unnecessary suffering created for people through such notions.”
Finally, a reader offered “heartfelt gratitude for this article. My very own therapist has been chiding me for being ‘irresponsible’ because I’ve been ‘indulging my grief’ instead of moving on. ‘One year should be the maximum for losing a loved one,’ she says. In addition to living with and in grief, I also shoulder the guilt that gets piled on me. It’s not a surprise that this therapist has never lost a pet, a parent, a child, or a loved one.”
The online comments, personal letters, and phone calls I received in response to my essay were a great encouragement to me to continue on the mission of offering this message about loss and mourning in the form of this book. Although I suspected it was the case from working with grieving clients through the years, I didn’t fully appreciate the extent to which so many were isolated in their grief; they often felt shame about their sorrow and desired acknowledgment of their loss. The stories from around the country and overseas also spoke to another undeniable reality — no one escapes grief.
It is my sincere desire that this book has been a help and comfort to you as you walk through the inevitable. No single book could possibly cover every aspect of grieving, but perhaps Getting Grief Right has been a useful companion to you in your journey of loss. As you continue your story of love and loss, I wish you peace.