Introduction
1. “Talk with Isak Dineson,” interview by Bent Mohn, New York Times Book Review, November 3, 1957.
2. Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith (New York: Riverhead Books, 2006), 174.
Chapter 1: A Therapist Grieves
1. Ruth Davis Konigsberg, The Truth About Grief (New York: Simon & Schuster Paperback, 2011), 11.
Chapter 2: The Cage of the Stages
1. Ronald Kotulak, “Scientists Measure 5 Stages of Grief,” Chicago Tribune, February 21, 2007, articles.chicagotribune.com/2007-02-21news/0702210198_1_peak-at-five-months-point-at-four-months-yale-bereavement-study. (Author’s note: The opening paragraph of the online version of the article differs slightly from the version I read in my print newspaper, but the facts about the Yale study and the essential information of the article are the same.)
2. Sigmund Freud, “Mourning and Melancholia,” in The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, vol. XIV (1914–1916), trans. James Strachey (London: Hogarth Press and the Institute for Psychoanalysis, 1957), 243, www.english.upenn.edu/~cavitch/pdf-library/Freud_MourningAndMelancholia.pdf.
3. Ibid., 245.
4. Sigmund Freud, quoted in Phyllis R. Silverman and Dennis Klass, “Introduction: What’s the Problem?” in Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, eds. Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, and Steven L. Nickman (New York: Taylor & Francis Group, 1996), 6.
5. Erich Lindemann, “Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief,” American Journal of Psychiatry 101 (1944), 141–148, nyu.edu/classes/gmoran/LINDEMANN.pdf.
6. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families (New York: Scribner, 1969), 11.
7. Ibid., 52.
8. Ibid., 63.
9. Ibid., 93.
10. Ibid., 97.
11. Ibid., 123–24.
12. “Stage Theory,” Encyclopedia of Death and Dying, deathreference.com/Sh-Sy/Stage-Theory.html.
13. Quoted in Ruth Davis Konigsberg, The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss (New York: Simon & Schuster Paperback, 2011), 9.
14. Ibid., 3.
15. Ibid., 2.
16. Emily Eaton, “The Myth of the ‘Five Stages of Grief,’” Creating “NewNormal” (blog), December 1, 2011, creatingnewnormal.com/2011/12/01/the-myth-of-the-five-stages-of-grief/.
17. Megan Devine, “The 5 Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don’t Help Anyone,” The Huffington Post, December 11, 2013, huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/stages-of-grief_b_4414077.html.
18. William Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy (New York: Springer, 1982).
Chapter 3: The Way Forward Through Stories
1. Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, and Steven Nickman, eds., Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief (New York: Taylor & Francis Group, 1996).
2. Ibid., xviii.
3. Ibid., 17.
Chapter 4: On the Right Path
1. Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2005), 6–7.
2. Ibid., 9–10.
3. Ibid., 225.
4. Meghan O’Rourke. The Long Goodbye: A Memoir (New York: Riverhead Books, 2011), 119.
5. Ibid., 217.
6. Scott Simon, Unforgettable: A Son, A Mother, and the Lessons of a Lifetime (New York: Flatiron Books, 2015), 234–35.
7. Edward Hirsch, Gabriel: A Poem (New York: Alfred A Knopf, 2014), 73.
8. Candi K. Cann, Virtual Afterlives: Grieving the Dead in the Twenty-First Century (Lexington: The University Press of Kentucky, 2014).
9. Candi K. Cann, “Responding Theologically to Contemporary Mourning,” Cosmologics, Spring 2015, cosmologicsmagazine.com/candi-k-cann-responding-theologically-to-contemporary-mourning/.
10. Candi K. Cann, interview with Tim Madigan, August 16, 2016.
11. Ibid.
12. Rita Charon, Narrative Medicine: Honoring the Stories of Illness (New York: Oxford University Press, 2006).
13. “Honoring the Stories of Illness | Dr. Rita Charon | TEDxAtlanta,” YouTube video, 18:16, presentation at TEDxAtlanta, posted by “TEDx Talks,” November 4, 2011, www.youtube.com/watch?v=24kHX2HtU3o.
14. Ibid.
15. Rita Charon, interview with Tim Madigan, September 7, 2016.
Chapter 6: Know Thyself
1. Funk & Wagnalls New Comprehensive International Dictionary of the English Language, Deluxe ed., s.v. “grief.”
2. Alan Wolfelt, Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner (Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2016), 7.
3. Macbeth, in William Shakespeare: The Complete Works, ed. Alfred Harbage (Baltimore, MD: Penguin Books, 1969), 4.3.1130. References are to act, scene, and page.
Chapter 8: Attachment and Grief
1. Tim Lawrence, “The Pain of Feeling Inadequate,” The Adversity Within (blog), February 10, 2016, timjlawrence.com/blog/2016/2/8/inadequate. The quote “Grief really is love, weeping” appears in Lawrence’s response to a reader comment on his original post.
2. John Bowlby, Loss: Sadness and Depression (New York: Basic Books, 1980).
3. Louis Cozolino, The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain, 2nd ed. (New York: W.W. Norton, 2010), 224.
4. John Prendergast, In Touch: How to Tune In to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2015), 5.
5. Ibid., 6.
6. Kenneth Doka, ed. Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice (Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2002), xiii.
Chapter 9: Your Story
1. Tim Madigan, I’m Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers (Los Angeles: Ubuntu Press, 2012), 131–32.
2. Ibid., 132–33.
Chapter 10: The Culture of Positivity
1. Meghan O’Rourke and Leeat Granek, “How to Help Friends in Mourning,” Slate, August 4, 2011, slate.com/articles/life/grieving/2011/08/how_to_help_friends_in_mourning.html.
2. Fred Rogers, “Thoughts for All Ages,” PBS Kids (online article), pbskids.org/rogers/nonflash/all_ages/thoughts4.htm.
3. C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (London: Farber, 1961), 12–13.
4. Stephen L. Salter, “The Culture of Positivity and the Mistreatment of Trauma,” NetworkTherapy.com: A Mental Health Network, April 17, 2013, networktherapy.com/library/articles/Culture-of-Positivity-and-the-Mistreatment-of-Trauma/.
5. Barbara Ehrenreich, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America (New York: Metropolitan Books, 2009), 12–13.
6. Ibid., 89.
7. Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential (New York: Warner Books, 2004), 263–64.
8. Joanne Cacciatore, “Be Like the Little Children: An Open Letter to Pastor Joel Osteen,” Becoming (blog), June 2013, drjoanne.blogspot.com/2015/06/be-like-little-children-open-letter-to.html.
9. Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books, 2015), xix.
10. Thomas Long and Thomas Lynch, The Good Funeral: Death, Grief, and the Community of Care (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2013), 59–60.
11. Ibid., 96.
12. Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember (New York: Hachette Books), 20.
13. O’Rourke and Granek, “How to Help Friends in Mourning.”
Chapter 11: The Expectations of Others
1. While I have had experiences with grieving clients of most of the major religious groups, I feel most qualified to speak to the experience of those who are members of Christian churches. Therefore, I cannot offer examples of what grief support looks like in other faith communities.
Chapter 12: Help for the Helper
1. Donald McNeill, Douglas Morrison, and Henri Nouwen, Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life (New York: Doubleday, 1983), 3–4.
2. Alan D. Wolfelt, Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers (Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2006), 27.
3. Louis Cozolino, The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain, 2nd ed. (New York: W.W. Norton, 2010), 25.
4. Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (New York: Bantam Dell, 2006), 88.
5. John Prendergast, In Touch: How to Tune In to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2015), 4.
Chapter 13: Sorrows Shared
1. Tim Madigan, I’m Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers (Los Angeles: Ubuntu Press, 2012), 59–61.
2. Henri Nouwen, “What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal,” Henri Nouwen Society website, February 23, 2016, henrinouwen.org/meditation/what-is-most-personal-is-most-universal/.
3. As You Like It, in William Shakespeare: The Complete Works, ed. Alfred Harbage (Baltimore, MD: Penguin Books, 1969), 2.7.257. References are to act, scene, and page.
4. Michael Gingerich and Thomas Kaden, Someone to Tell It To: Sharing Life’s Journey (Nashville: WestBow Press, 2014), xi.
5. Ibid.
Chapter 14: A Therapist Grieves Still
1. Ronald Knapp, Beyond Endurance, 2nd ed. (Bloomington, IN: Author House, 2005), 43.
Epilogue
1. Patrick O’Malley, “Getting Grief Right,” New York Times, January 10, 2015, opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right/?_r=0.