This idea is not just one that was thought up by good guys. It is pretty much believed around the world. Guilt is considered to be some kind of guide—especially for the good guy. Most of us have been taught that guilt tells us when we have done something wrong. Guilt, therefore, is considered to be a very important and even sacred guide to our actions. But this is another lie.
The problem with the lie is that most people, if they listen at all, will listen to guilt before they will listen to the more authentic guides, passion and compassion. In fact, even in the event that we have actually done something hurtful to another, real compassion will be much more likely to get us up and moving toward making amends than guilt—which in these instances only tends to have us using our energy to self-flagellate. We will be going more in-depth on these authentic guides in later chapters, but for now all we need know is that there are much more authentic guides within us than guilt.
Guilt tells us what we should or should not do and should have done or not done based on rules made up by a given culture, family, or other system. Guilt does not tell us if we are being authentic with regard to the service we provide to another, whether or not we are on the most authentic path with regard to our choices, whether or not we are being used, or whether or not we even really care about the person or situation we feel guilty about. It only tells us that we should or should not do something based entirely on these external rules—which have been internalized as substitutes for authentic guides. And if you are living in a good-guy identity, the rules are much more applicable for you than they are for others.
Guilt as the Ruler of a Life
Guilt is a form of anxiety that creates great turmoil for good guys. It lies to them about responsibility—informing them that they are far more responsible for the well-being of others than is actually true. Good guys hold a very distorted belief that they are absolutely accountable for the feelings and well-being of those in their lives.
The good guy is literally tortured by this feeling of guilt. He does its bidding in the same way that one might do the bidding of a kidnapper with a gun. But the good guy doesn’t see guilt as being wrong; rather, he sees himself as wrong for even thinking about anything that guilt doesn’t want him thinking about.
In working with people with a good-guy identity, I’ve very commonly heard them say, “I can’t talk about this. I feel like my mother is listening.” So loyal are they to the training they received that to even talk about a parent is absolute betrayal of the family system’s rules. The good guy is carrying all of the guilt for this family. To give even portions of that guilt to its real owners is to betray the family role—which makes the good guy feel tortuous guilt.
The rules that the good guy feels he must follow are often far from rational. Not giving money to a relative who was laid off work creates days, even weeks, of torture until he finally pays. Even if the relative is calling and leaving hate-filled, abusive messages to try to manipulate him into paying, the good guy still feels that he must give the money. He doesn’t feel this because he authentically believes it is right to do; he feels it because guilt is torturing him.
To leave an abusive spouse feels impossible, not because she doesn’t expect more abuse, but because she unconsciously believes that she deserves this. Further, she feels worried that it will hurt her abuser if she leaves—something about which she will later feel tremendous guilt. To say no to a narcissistic parent (many good guys are raised by narcissistic parents) who has been using and abusing her all of her life feels impossible because “That’s my mother and you just should do what your mother wants.” So that’s the mantra she got taught to say to herself from a young age, and she is still saying it in order to forestall the guilt that would overtake her mind were she to actually say no.
The boss who is a good guy is literally ruled by his employees. The child who is a good guy is typically seen as “mature for his age,” as he has taken on responsibilities no child should have to carry. In the best case scenario, the spouse who is a good guy often serves to the point of exhaustion, bridging all the gaps in the relationship, doing all the work of the relationship, and feeling guilty constantly for not doing more. In the worst case scenario, he tolerates all kinds of emotional or other forms of abuse or neglect. The sibling who is the good guy will be the only one who takes care of elderly parents, and even if he asks for help from others in the family, he will not get it, because it’s just his job to be the responsible one, and no one sees it any other way.
The good guy is in a royal mess, entangled in stuff that really belongs to other people. But they can’t see this and neither can the others. Guilt is the guilty party here, for all of this mess is caused by guilt—the thing that we’ve all been taught to believe to be a good thing.
We’ve been taught to believe that guilt is one of the major solutions to evil. After all, if a person never feels guilty, they must really be a bad person, right? So, the guilt-riddled good guy is not about to give up guilt without a fight—lest he become a terrible person. Therefore, there will definitely be some resistance along the way to recovery from guilt. But it is this awful rulership of guilt that is the problem—not the solution. In fact, guilt actually prevents us from living into the authentic guides of passion and compassion, which when fulfilled offer those we do choose to serve a genuine connection to the deeper soul of the relationship.