7 Life’s Purpose
Is Helping Others
I once heard a pastor jokingly talk about his own quirky metaphorical definition of heaven and hell. He said heaven was a place where all the humans had forks for hands. They could easily feed themselves and others. In hell the humans also had forks for hands, but their elbows and wrists would not bend, so they could only feed others. Since they were in hell, however, they would not help others by feeding them, so everyone starved. Striving ever to get out of hell by being good, the good guy feeds others; but in his personal hell others will never feed him and he can’t bend his arms and wrists to feed himself.
The good guy believes the lie that the purpose of the human life is to serve and help others. This is a lie because humans, like all other organisms, need no purpose to define the worth of their lives.
The Lie of Purpose
There have been many books written over the years about finding a purpose in life. But there is no science or philosophy that says that we need a purpose. Just to cite a few of the world philosophies, the Christian Bible says, “What is man, that Thou dost take thought of him? And the son of man that Thou dost care for him? Yet Thou hast made him a little lower than God and dost crown him with glory and majesty.” 5 This is very clear that humans do not need to have a purpose to be highly valued by the divine. This sacred text implies that a person is valued by the divine without any purpose—simply because he exists.
Buddhism recommends that we detach from all things, people, places, and ideas in order to participate in the Buddha nature—a nature thought to be peaceful and fully alive—the deepest essence of humanity. Therefore, we are not to attach our identities to any purpose, ideal, or idea, and such detachment will allow us to awaken to a deeper nature more true to life. In fact, we find ourselves at a deeper more authentic level because we have not attached to a purpose. These are but two examples, but religion in general has not informed us that we need a purpose, nor has science taken on the task of determining the purpose of humanity.
Yet we persist in this endless pursuit of a purpose. Why? Because we believe that purpose will finally inform us that we can be valued—that we are worthy. We think we can measure our worth by whether or not we are living into a specific purpose. The greater and more noble our purpose, the more we are valued. But of course it is all an illusion. The need for purpose denies the reality that we need a Self. It assumes that something we can do—whether or not that doing comes from something genuine—will make us worthy, when in fact we are already worthy simply by the very nature of our being. Yet the paradox is that we may go looking for purpose and accidently run into Self—and then realize that we never had a need for purpose, we just needed a Self.
But for the good guy, having a purpose, particularly one that is noble, offers the good guy a reason to exist. Purpose is a perfect prop. Identity proves that we exist. Purpose proves that we exist for a good reason. And for the good-guy identity, the reason better be really good. Being here on the planet to help others is just about as good as it gets in our limited and polarized way of thinking. The opposite of that purpose, of course, is being here only to help yourself—which would make you selfish. The next chapter is written entirely on this concept, so for now, all we need to know is that not having a worthy purpose is frightening to the good guy because he has nothing on which to base his own worth.
The good guy must, above all, have worth, for having worth is how people like you. People like worthy people; they may even admire them. But people don’t like the unworthy. They are looked down on and shamed by the whole world. Ultimately, the good guy believes that IF he can get others to like him, THEN he will know that he is truly worthy. So, why would the good guy, who is longing for a sense of belonging, ever feel safe being a person without a worthy purpose?
The Lie of Helping Others
There is much written in religious and social literature about being kind to others, helping those less fortunate than others, etc. Not only that but from our earliest upbringing, parents, teachers, and others have been urging us to look out for the other guy by sharing, being kind, and not hitting, biting, and other kindergarten forms of assault. So it is not at all difficult for the good guy to find this stuff and use it to prop up their identity.
The good guy takes on this purpose mostly unconsciously without any thought whatsoever about whether or not he genuinely feels this kind of compassion for others or whether or not he has the energy for such a mission, or whether or not the others he helps have any capacity whatsoever to receive his help. All he needs to know is that he has a worthy purpose. Further, he doesn’t pay attention to his own desires—which are considered to be selfish—so he usually doesn’t know whether or not what he is doing is actually something he truly desires to do … He just does it because it helps prop up his role as a good guy, which allows him to believe he exists.
Helping others as a life purpose belies the most powerful of human traits: choice. Others have that powerful trait. They have a choice as to whether or not they are going to receive the help being offered. You may hold out your hand, but if they refuse to take it, then there’s no holding hands. You may give money, but if they choose not to receive it or to go out and throw it all away on something stupid, that is their choice and their right. You may give lectures that go in one ear and out the other. You may house people in hopes that they will improve their lives, only to watch them squat on your property and stay in the same old awful life. You may do a whole lotta work for a whole lotta nothin’.
All help is self-help. Though I have offered counseling services for over thirty years, I have not helped a single person. Why? Because if they were helped it is because they picked up and used the tools I gave them or discovered tools of their own. I can give, but they have to receive. Again, all help is self-help.
Indeed, Self is the only person we can help. We can change what we are doing. We can change our beliefs about life and living. We can move ourselves to newer healthier environments. We can discover our own authenticity and begin to live from our own souls, but we cannot make another person do any of these things.
As good guys, we have it exactly backward—trying to do the things we cannot do and avoiding all the things we can do like the plague. We are always stuck in the bargain that IF we make others our life purpose, THEN our lives will be better. And we may fool ourselves into believing this is true for a while. But the hope is that the fooling won’t go on for very long and we can learn to bend our arms to feed ourselves.
5 Psalms 8:4–5 (New American Standard Bible).