How to Avoid a Bad Night in
the Bedroom
THE SONG OF SONGS 5:2–8
“Lawyers can't cope as divorce epidemic sweeps the United Kingdom,” reported the London Observer, January 9, 2000. An outbreak of “matrimonial millennial madness” led one of Britain's leading divorce law firms, Lloyd Platts & Co., to refuse to take on any new clients. Said Vanessa Lloyd Platts, “If couples continue to separate at the current rate, there won't be anybody left to divorce in 10 years.” Feminist writer Natasha Walter argued, “This means people don't want to put up with second best anymore! Marriage isn't keeping up with the way we conduct our relationships and what I see much more of is that a lot of men and women are looking for love but not necessarily within the framework of one partner for life.” Julia Cole, a spokesperson for the counseling organization Relate, said that the beginning of a new century had prompted a new scrutiny of relationships. Sexual problems, always uppermost in people's minds, seem especially widespread. “There is an expectation that along with the perfect lunch, the perfect presents, the perfect New Year's Eve, there will be lovely, perfect sex. The contrast between expectations and reality is often enormous.”1
Obviously, far too many people are experiencing significant disappointment with their marriage, and problems often find their way into the bedroom. Most problems in a marriage do not begin in the bedroom, but many problems in a marriage do end up in the bedroom. And no marriage will be all that God intended if the intimate life is not meaningful, satisfying, and enjoyable.
Proverbs 5:18 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth.” Notice it did not say “only in your youth"! In February 1999, the National Health and Social Life Survey completed what was identified as the most comprehensive study of American sex lives ever. The results were published in JAMA with some interesting findings.2
1. Sexually active singles have the most sexual problems and get the least pleasure out of sex.
2. Men with the most “liberal attitudes about sex” are seventy-five percent more likely to fail to satisfy their partners.
3. Married couples by far reported the happiest satisfaction with their sex lives.
4. The most sexually satisfied demographic group of them is that of married couples between fifty and fifty-nine!
Oh, but the news gets even better. A November 29, 1999 news release noted:
When University of Chicago researchers set out to discover which religious denominations have the best sex they learned that the faithful don't do all their shouting in church. Conservative Protestant women, their 1994 survey found, report by far the most orgasms: 32% say they achieve orgasm every time they make love. Mainline protestants and Catholics lagged five points behind. Those with no religious affiliation were at 22%. (Unitarians may not wish to read any further.)
Newsweek may run a story that asks: “Was it virtually good for you? Sex: the best lovemaking of your life is now just a few nanobots and a body suit away,” touting the virtues of techno, virtual-reality sex!3 And Cosmopolitan may challenge us with “Cosmo's 20 Favorite Sex Tips Ever,” which claims, “We have the wall-shaking, earth-quaking moves that'll make your bed end up across the room.”4 However, if you really are interested in the best sex possible, based on the data, find you a born-again babe and keep her around because in your fifties the best is yet to come!
However, it is still the case that too many couples are suffering the hurt and disappointment of too many bad nights in the bedroom. When those bad nights come, what do we do? How should we respond? Might I offer a suggestion: let's follow the Bible, God's Word. Let's allow God to provide guidance on how we can avoid bad nights in the bedroom.
I sleep, but my heart is awake.
A sound! My love is knocking!
Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my perfect one.
For my head is drenched with dew,
my hair with droplets of the night. (v. 2)
THE DESIRE FOR LOVE MAY FAIL BECAUSE OF BAD TIMING (V. 2)
Shulammite, Solomon's wife, is in bed. Perhaps she is dreaming or half awake, tossing and turning out of anxiety and disappointment. The issue is simple: he is late again. The flow of the text hints that she may have been hoping for, or expecting, a night of romantic intimacy with her love, her husband. However, he was out again, and he was late. Her desires had been dashed. Why did this happen? What can be the cause of a bad night in the bedroom?
WORK MAY CAUSE THE PROBLEM
The Bible says, “His head is drenched with dew,” and his “hair with droplets of the night.” This is an example of Hebrew parallelism. The point is clear. It was late, near or after midnight. Like many men he probably had to work late. Struggling to make things come together in the tough, cruel world of a king required long hard days. Sometimes those days turned into nights. Time is, and has always been, our most precious commodity. You can only spend it one time and at one place. On this particular evening work won out over the wife, and the stage is set for a confrontation, a showdown in the bedroom.
WORDS MAY NOT CURE THE PROBLEM
In the Ancient Near East, it was the custom for a husband and wife to occupy separate bedrooms. What a terrible idea! Solomon has come home and is tired, but he is not too tired. He was, after all, a man! The fact is he was probably in need of both emotional and physical support and intimacy with his wife after a long, hard day. This is how God has wired a man. A study notes that
for men the secret of a happy marriage is emotional support and an active sex life. While women would just like their husbands to take more interest in them… . Women said, they just wanted husbands to take a greater interest in their opinions and a more active role in their social lives. Marriage counselor Sheron Li Yuet-Yi said, “sex plays an essential role in building up a successful marriage. We have seen newlyweds who do not have any idea how to do it and we have some middle-aged couples who are either too lazy or too tired.”5
Sometimes things just don't come together as we had hoped in the bedroom.
Solomon's approach with his wife is gentle and sensitive. Perhaps he sensed some tension. A locked door to the bedroom might tip a guy off! Note his four names of affection and the four uses of the possessive pronoun my:
My sister (cf. 4:9) emphasizes their friendship and the permanency of their relationship.
My darling (cf. 1:9; used nine times and always by Solomon) speaks of the one in whom I delight and take pleasure. It is often used in the context of acknowledging her beauty.
My dove (cf. 2:14) was perhaps a pet name. It describes her gentleness.
My perfect one means “my flawless or blameless one,” the one whom I know is wholly mine and no other's.
I am convinced that Solomon is sincere in his compliments and words of praise. Of course this is not always the case with husbands, and our wives can become experts in deciphering some of our code phrases. A radio station in Louisville had some fun at males' expense when they talked about “what men really mean when they say …”
“It's a guy thing,” really means, “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?” really means, “Why isn't it already on the table?”
“Uh-huh,” “sure, honey,” or “yes, dear,” really means absolutely nothing; it's a conditioned male response.
“It would take too long to explain,” really means, “I have no idea how it works.”
“We're going to be late,” really means, “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,” really means, “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That's interesting, dear,” really means, “Are you still talking?”
“That's women's work,” really means, “It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“We share the housework,” really means, “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”
“You know how bad my memory is,” really means, “I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,” really means, “I have severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”
“Hey, I've got my reasons for what I am doing,” really means, “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can't find it,” really means, “When I look in the refrigerator, I can't move the milk jug because if the ketchup is not behind it then the milk jug won!”
“What did I do this time?” really means, “What did you catch me doing?”
“I heard you,” really means, “I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am desperately hoping that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.”
No, sometimes words, even our best ones, cannot overcome bad timing and prevent a bad night in the bedroom.
I have taken off my clothing.
How can I put it back on?
I have washed my feet.
How can I get them dirty? (v. 3)
THE DETAILS FOR LOVE MAY FEEL LIKE
TOO MUCH TROUBLE (V. 3)
Shulammite was perhaps mad, certainly hurt. The most basic needs of her heart had not been met. Bob Turnbull, in “What Your Wife Really Needs,” reminds us guys that our wives will dry up and wither on the inside without four things:
Time—the currency of a relationship; clearing space in your calendar for her says you are valuable to me.
Talk—this is how she connects with you. It is also one way in which she handles stress (men on the other hand, walk or take flight).
Tenderness—it feeds her soul when she is nourished and knows she is cherished.
Touch—non-sexual, affectionate touch is crucial to a wife, and if she only receives it as the pre-game to sex, she will begin to feel used, like a marital prostitute.6
Whether he meant to or not, and he probably didn't, Solomon failed this four-T test, at least in the eyes of his wife. This, however, does not justify how Shulammite responds, and her response is selfish and especially insensitive to the fragility of the male ego. An evening that once held promise for both the husband and the wife is about to go down the drain. What can we do to avoid this?
GUARD AGAINST SILLY PRIORITIES
Her response in twenty-first-century America would translate, “Not tonight; I have a headache.” “Not tonight; I'm too tired.” Several Bible teachers note that “I have taken off my clothing” suggests she now lay naked, unclothed beneath the sheets. Is there perhaps a little dig hinting at “what you will miss because you stayed out too late"? I like, as a better response, what one man shared: “My wife decided to put a spark back into our marriage. Knowing how tired she gets at the end of the day, she prearranged a solution to a potential problem. When I came to bed, I found this note on my pillow: ‘I'm feeling romantic. If I'm asleep, wake me up and remind me.'” In essence Shulammite says: “My comfort is more important than your needs or desires. I waited; it's late. So sad. Too bad. If you can't get home at a decent hour, don't expect any special attention from me.”
GUARD AGAINST BEING A SELFISH PERSON
Washing the feet was an oriental custom before eating a meal or retiring for bed. Shulammite was washed up and ready for bed. To have to get up, put on her clothes, and get her feet dirty was too much trouble. Self-centeredness is a deadly sin. It can and will destroy anything that gets in its path. It is also foolish because it never has a truly accurate picture of reality.
In this context let me address one new and specific danger to our marriages that has recently come onto the scene. Computers are one of the marvelous inventions of the twentieth century. They have produced much good in many areas of life. Marriages, however, have suffered far too often from pornography, cybersex, and illusionary and unreal on-line romancing. In “Letters of the Century: America 1900–1999,” 412 letters were compiled to show us something about our personal perspectives during the twentieth century. The last letter selected came from the Shirley Glass AOL Electra Column. It was picked because it captured best the last decade and illustrated how the complexities of the computer age have changed us. It reads as follows:
Dear Dr. Glass,
I met a very interesting man online a couple of weeks ago and have talked to him on the phone several times as well. He is enchanting, charming, and everything I could possibly want. The trouble is that I'm already married and all the way across the country from Mr. Wonderful. I really think I love this man, but what can I do?
Sincerely,
Confused and Charmed.
Listen also to Shirley's wise and direct counsel.
Dear Confused and Charmed,
Your “Mr. Wonderful” may be somebody else's philandering husband. Internet relationships create a romantic mystique because you can create exciting fantasies about the other person. Add a little dose of secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual innuendoes, and you've got a full-blown emotional affair. It is easy to be charming when you are not dealing with the everyday irritations of leaking roofs and noisy kids. The love that you feel for this man is based on romantic idealization, whereas your marriage is based on reality. Furthermore, stable long-term relationships are seldom as exciting as stage 1 (the honeymoon) relationships. What does your online search for companionship and romance indicate about your marriage? Talk to your husband about your wants and needs and try to put some energy back into your marriage.
Selfishness and self-centeredness are death to a relationship. They will never build up but only tear down. Selfishness is unrealistic. It is harmful. It is sin. And it is almost always filled with regret. Self-centeredness is certain to produce a bad night in the bedroom and potentially many lonely ones as well.
My love thrust his hand through the opening,
and my feelings were stirred for him.
I rose to open for my love.
My hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh
on the handles of the bolt.
I opened to my love,
but my love had turned and gone away.
I was crushed that he had left.
I sought him, but did not find him.
I called him, but he did not answer.
The guards who go about the city found me.
They beat and wounded me;
they took my cloak from me—
the guardians of the walls. (vv. 4–7)
THE DENIAL OF LOVE MAY FLOWER ONLY
TEMPORARILY (VV. 4–7)
Six times in verses 2–8 Shulammite calls Solomon “my love.” She does so four more times in verses 9–10. She has been angry with him, but she does love him. His tender words have worked their way into her heart. Now Solomon, being the typical male, follows up with one last advance. He gently places his hand on the latch (the opening of the door). Because of the poetic, symbolic, and erotic nature of this book, numerous scholars have noted the male hand is sometimes used euphemistically for the sexual parts of a man (cf. Isa. 57:8, 10; Jer. 5:31; 50:15). If this is so, the latch or opening corresponds most certainly to the female counterpart. What is the response to this kind, sensitive, and sensual overture?
YOU MAY RECONSIDER SAYING NO (VV. 4–5)
Her “feelings were stirred” for her husband. She is touched by his kindness. With the words, “I rose,” she moves into action. The “I” is emphatic. She now wants to make things right. “The myrrh” is perhaps left by Solomon as a sign of his love and regret that things had gone sour or perhaps on the hand of Shulammite who quickly prepared herself for the now desired sexual rendezvous. She wanted her man as much as he wanted her.
It is tragic that in many marriages the bedroom becomes a war zone and a battlefield because wives are convinced their husbands always want sex and husbands are convinced their wives like to say no as often as possible. A friend of mine who does marriage counseling told me about a woman who came to him because she was having marriage problems. The issue was sex. It seemed to her that sex was all her husband was interested in, 24–7, and he was constantly putting enormous pressure on her for activity in that department. She was just about at the end of her rope, and so she came looking for help.
My friend is an insightful and wise person, and he gave the lady an interesting assignment. He asked her to go back home and for the next week to become a “huntress” in her relationship with her husband. He told her to track him down again and again, several times a day if she could, and engage in sexual relations. He asked her to call him at the end of the week and tell him what the results were of this plan.
Well, my friend did not get a call at the end of the week. He received a phone call just two days later. The woman said, “I think your plan worked. My husband is lying over in the corner of our bedroom waving a white handkerchief! In fact, this whole day, when I come into a room where he is, he tries to get out as fast as he can!”
She went on to tell him that they both felt very foolish. They had, after more than fifteen years of marriage, come to realize that their sexual appetites, though not identical, were similar and definitely compatible. He was always pressuring her because he thought she always wanted to say no. If he didn't turn up the heat, they would never have sex, he thought. She, on the other hand, was in the resistance mode because she thought having sex is all he ever wants to do, and if she didn't say no at least some of the time they would be having sex all of the time. Better communication could have saved this couple years of stress and hurt. Better communication can save us from these things as well.
YOU MAY REAP SAYING NO (V. 6)
Studies now offer preliminary evidence that actual physical changes occur during marital conflict. For example, marital conflict affects the heart rate. These studies also show that marital fights can weaken the immune system (especially in women), raise blood pressure, and speed up the heart rate. For women, simply discussing angry feelings can lead to these stressed-out body reactions. For men the stress seems to be accompanied by the act of talking louder and faster. The greatest benefits regarding health and long life come to those who are happily married. Those who are happily married seem healthier overall than any other group.
Marital conflict has the potential for suffering and sorrow in many areas. Our text addresses two.
He may walk. It has been well said, “More belongs to marriage than four bare legs in a bed.” Though men like that idea, their needs run much deeper. Yvonne Turnbull, in “What Your Husband Really Wants” notes four things a husband longs to receive from his wife:
Being his cheerleader—A man thrives on his wife's approval and praise.
Being his champion—A wife's respect and encouragement lifts a man's spirit and his sense of self-worth.
Being his companion—A man wants his wife to be his best friend.
Being his complement—A woman is necessary to complete a man.7
A single friend of mine says, “Being single makes for lonely nights but peaceful days.” A married man longs for both peaceful days and intimate nights. If he does not receive them, he may walk away (withdraw) or even out of the relationship. Such was Solomon's response on this occasion.
He may not talk. “Wounded males almost always go into a shell.” Most husbands will not fight their wives physically or verbally. They walk and they won't talk. Marriage counselor Howard Markman has said, “Men don't want to spend their lives fighting, so they start withdrawing. That's a typical pattern of development of marital distress.”
YOU MAY REGRET SAYING NO (V. 7)
This verse should be taken symbolically of Shulammite's own disappointment in herself. It is the pain she feels not from her mate, but from herself and, I believe, from God's Spirit. If our spouse hurts us, wrongs us, we should give God some time to work in his or her heart. He will always do a much better job.
You may be alone. John Gottman, a nationally respected marriage counselor and professor of psychology at the University of Washington, says men and women kill their love with criticism,contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and the failure to repair the hurt caused by these harsh styles. When these unhelpful strategies for dealing with disappointment are not corrected, people commonly end up alone.
You may be ashamed. Her cloak (or veil) is taken away. She feels as if everything valuable and important to her is gone. Why? Because God has worked in her heart. Distance has made the heart grow fonder. Without the interference of a griping, whining, and nagging mate, the Lord had done what only He can do. The stage is now set for reconciliation and reunion.
Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you:
if you find my love,
tell him that I am lovesick. (v. 8)
THE DRIVE OF LOVE MAY FLAME
WITH TESTIMONY (V. 8)
“The young women of Jerusalem” comprise the chorus group that appears throughout the book at strategic times. They are called by Shulammite and charged as solemn witnesses to what she is about to say. These will be important words, words from the heart and words she hopes will be trumpeted throughout the land.
TELL OTHERS OF YOUR LOVE
Here are the right words from the right heart at the right time and, yes, to the right persons. She is his cheerleader, and he is her champion. This speaks loudly to his male ego, to who and what he is as a man on the inside. Herbert Stein raises the issue,“why a man needs a woman” and writes: (1) She is a warm body in bed to cuddle and comfort. (2) She provides intimate conversation (interest, understanding and trust). (3) She serves his need to be needed. “ To this woman you are irreplaceable at any price.”8
In the context of sex, Douglas Wilson, in Reforming Marriage, says, “There is a sexual relationship at the center of the home which should be obvious to all who live there—hugs, kisses, and romantic attention… . There is nothing wrong with children knowing that their father is male and their mother is female and that they have a sexual relationship. There is something wrong with them not knowing.”9
TELL YOUR MATE OF YOUR LOVE
It has been said, “The opposite of love is indifference.” Alphonse Kerr says, “Love is the most terrible, and also the most generous, of the passions; it is the only one which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.” Shulammite is saying in verse 8: “I can't last another day without you. Am I too weak or disinterested to make love to him? Don't be foolish. How could I not want more? I have lovesickness. The only remedy is him!”
“In marriage, the eye finds, the heart chooses, the hand binds and only death should loose.” Psychologist Howard Markman, speaking at Duquesne University in October 1999 said, “It's not how much you love each other, but when conflicts arise, [it's] how you handle them that determines the success of your marriage or relationship.” George Worgul, associate director of Duquesne's Family Institute and a theology professor, added, “Many people want to have good relationships and enjoy a happy marriage. Love, however, is hard work.”
They're right. Love is hard work, but it is worthwhile work. And when the work is pursued following God's guidelines and for His glory, you'll enjoy a Christian marriage and discover a Christian bedroom—one that is satisfying, liberated, sensual, erotic, intimate, and pleasing both to God and each other. With a commitment to Jesus and each other, and the courage to stay with it no matter what, we can find the joy God planned.