“SELF” IS MY FAVORITE FOUR-LETTER WORD
Behind Every Successful Woman Is Herself
Like a lot of angsty young adults, I was obsessed with the Coldplay song “Fix You”:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I would play it on repeat—as one does with song obsessions—and yearn for someone to “fix” me. Even now, sans angst, I still love the song . . . but I hate the line. Lights may guide you home, but you’re not fixing anyone, and ain’t no one fixing you.
In Step 1, you admitted you aren’t Superwoman. Now, it’s time to become a Super Woman. The first thing you need to do to be one: commit to yourself. Fall in love with yourself and your life—not because you or it is perfect, but because it’s you and yours—instead of with some fictitious and unattainable ideal.
It’s easy to keep going back to clichéd phrases like “fix you” and “you complete me” because you’ve heard them for so long: from song lyrics, friends, and exes. Well, spoiler alert, your life isn’t going to play out like Jerry Maguire. In this step, I’m going to remind you that you never needed fixing in the first place, then explain how to tap into the best parts of yourself and show you how to complete you.
PUT A RING ON IT
A lot of women set out to “date” themselves, but I wanted more than the cursory dinner and a movie. (Although, if you haven’t taken yourself to dinner and a movie alone, I suggest you do so ASAP. It’s awesome.) I wanted to be exclusive. For me, “dating myself” meant going all the way, being all in.
CONFESSIONS
OF A SUPER WOMAN
The Day I Got Engaged
“Do you have that in a size five and a half?” I asked the saleswoman at Tiffany’s who was hovering around, waiting for me to request help.
“Of course, madam,” she said as she put on her white gloves.
I slipped the ring she had pulled from the case onto my ring finger and extended my arm to see how it looked from a distance.
“It’s very pretty,” she said (which, of course, is what she would say even if it wasn’t).
“Yes, it is . . . Can I try on a few different styles to see which one fits best with the rest of my jewelry? Because, you know, I’m going to be wearing it every day.”
“Of course, madam. You know, a lot of women come in to see what they like, and then have a friend ‘suggest’ it when the guy asks for help picking out a ring,” said the saleswoman coyly. I might have even seen her wink.
I just smiled and looked at the options on the velvet tray she placed on the counter in front of me.
“You know, girls have to stick together, and it’s the best way to guarantee you get what you want,” she said.
“I’ll take that one,” I said, pointing to a delicate silver band with a small but mighty diamond baguette tucked into the middle of it.
There was an awkward pause, then a (very formal) gasp as she expressed her embarrassment. “Oh, madam! I’m so sorry, I thought you were getting engaged.”
“I am,” I said with a big smile, hoping it would be contagious. “I’ll take it in one of those blue boxes, please.”
Like a lot of young girls, I fantasized about the day I would get engaged. My fantasies didn’t include much about the specifics of the event, but they all involved a ring in a little blue box. That is, a Tiffany box (probably the only fancy jewelry maker I knew).
For a long time, I thought I would wait to go on vacations and have adventures until I found someone I was serious about. So, I waited. And waited. And I didn’t go on vacations, and I didn’t have adventures. Then I was done waiting.
All my younger self wanted was to get engaged—and to have a blue box involved. She didn’t stipulate that there was a guy on the other side of that box, and over time I came to realize that there didn’t need to be. So, I filled in the details, and bought my own damn ring in my own blue Tiffany box. I got serious . . . about myself.
I think a lot about my younger self. I feel a responsibility to help her fulfill her dreams. And I’m not going to let her down.
Right-handed rings date back to the days of prohibition, symbolizing women’s earning power and independence. They were popularized in the mid-1900s by actresses Elizabeth Taylor and Natalie Wood and have come to mean a commitment to yourself, regardless of if you have or want a ring on the other hand or not.
I’m guessing that you value commitment. That’s good, because you can’t divorce yourself. There’s literally no one else with you through everything “’til death do you part.” So love yourself first; it’s who you will be undoubtedly spending the rest of your life with.
ARE YOU INTO YOURSELF?
Being a Super Woman means taking care of yourself. But it’s hard to take care of someone you don’t know, or worse, don’t like. So let’s get to know ourselves, and start not just liking but falling madly in love with that girl.
In the back of my notebook (yes, I carry around an actual spiral-bound notebook everywhere I go, like Linus carries his blanket), I have a few evergreen lists. These are my “Super Woman cheat sheets,” lists I refer to when I’m feeling like a “Fall Risk.” The first one is affectionately titled “How I Am Awesome.” It reminds me why I put a ring on it. Here are some of my highlights:
• I am a great gift giver.
• I am a fighter.
• I have sweet writing skills.
• I can give a speech without notes.
• I can recite many of Shakespeare’s sonnets and Tupac’s songs by heart.
• I am great at researching adventures and then actually taking them.
• I can change clothes in a Lyft without the driver seeing anything.
• I can have fun talking to anyone, from a CEO, to a kid, to a farmer.
Throughout the book I’ll go first with the hard exercises and “show you mine” in hopes that it’s easier for you to show me (or yourself) yours. So, your turn. How are you awesome? List all of the ways. Don’t edit, at least not at first. They can be anything: from winning a Pulitzer to having sick origami skills to being able to say the alphabet backward.
When you’re done making your list, go back and look for ways to tweak those attributes into the most positive and powerful version possible. If you wrote, “I don’t interrupt others when talking,” well, that definitely is awesome, but maybe it would be even better as “I’m great at listening and having productive conversations.” If you “don’t fall down on black diamond runs on the ski slope,” then you are a) badass and b) “a skilled skier who has mastered the most advanced ski runs,” which is what you should write down. Even if it seems like a good thing “not” to do something, rephrasing to focus on the thing you do versus what you don’t will make the already awesome even more so. If you’re still feeling stuck, start small (“I have excellent handwriting”) and then widen your scope (“I am a strong writer who can articulate my ideas”).
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Who’s the Awesomest of Them All?
If you’re having a hard time liking who you see in the mirror on the wall, think about yourself on your hypothetical “best day.” Look at that day like you are watching a scene in a movie. Who is that woman? What is she doing? What does she look like? What is she wearing? Where does she live? Who is she with? How does she feel around those people? How do you think they feel about her?
Describe everything like you would if you were casting a movie of your own life (I’m hoping for Mila Kunis in mine). What would that actress need to know to embody that woman? Sometimes seeing yourself in the third person is all you need to notice the things that make you awesome that everyone else already sees.
Does this exercise make you squirm? Like you’re embarrassed to be “bragging” about yourself? Get over it. You wouldn’t hesitate to gush over the good stuff about your partner or best friend; you should be just as generous describing yourself.
Your list might only have one item on it to start with, but keep adding to it when you think of other things (and you will). Keeping a list of what makes you great will train your mind to stay on the lookout for them. Think of it as a love letter to yourself, from yourself, that you look at when you need a little . . . well, love.
What happens when you start recognizing these things about yourself is that you realize how completely awesome you already are. Without anyone else. Without fixing. And yes, I could tell you that. Friends or your mom could tell you that. But what matters is that you know it.
LIVE YOUR BEST SOLO LIFE
Let’s add “finding yourself” to our list of clichéd phrases that suck. That phrase assumes, of course, that you are lost in the first place, which you are not. So before you set out to hike the Appalachian Trail in an effort to “find yourself,” remember that it’s actually impossible to lose yourself, even though it might not always feel that way. You’re stuck with yourself, sister, for better and for worse. So get used to it, and get down with it.
BE SELFISH
If someone calls us “selfish,” it feels like a diss. Why? Because our society has told us that it is; like being overly focused on yourself is a bad thing, especially for a woman. But the actual definition of “selfish” is “concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” Well now that sounds like a compliment, right?
And you know what actually should be a diss, and isn’t? Being called “selfless.” This is often used as a compliment, especially for a woman. But the definition of “selfless” is “having no concern for oneself.” That doesn’t sound like something anyone should aspire to. Even if your goal is to help others, you’re probably able to contribute most when you’re also well cared for yourself—aka, selfish.
Being “selfish” is only bad if you’re hurting others. Let’s agree to 1) not hurt others, k?, 2) embrace the idea that putting your needs first is the best and healthiest thing you can do, and 3) remember that “self” is a four-letter word . . . and we love our four-letter words. So, the next time someone calls you “selfish,” say “thank you.” And if they call you “selfless,” offer a polite correction—and remind them who’s looking out for number one.
POP QUIZ
Picking up this book was a good step toward taking care of yourself, but what else have you done for you lately? Just for you?
1. You want to see a particular movie, but no one you know wants to go. You:
a) Go see the movie, solo.
b) Ask around until you find someone who will see it with you.
c) Wait for it to come out on Netflix.
2. When you’re asked to name your hobbies, you say:
a) “Lately I’m super into [insert random cool class you’re taking, activity you’re passionate about, etc.].”
b) “Spending time with friends and family.”
c) “Working.”
3. When asked to rank your top three priorities, you list:
a) Myself, family, work
b) Family, work, myself
c) Work, work, work
If you answered mostly As, you have the right Super Woman mentality going.
If you answered mostly Bs, you need to keep a close eye on the ring you put on yourself.
If you answered mostly Cs, revisit your “How I Am Awesome” list as many times as it takes to want to hang out with that woman some more.
If you’re so immersed with your job or other people that your needs get ignored, you should realize that they don’t say “put your oxygen mask on first before helping others” on the plane just to fill time before takeoff. You’re not going to be any help to anyone else if you are crashing and burning.
Getting comfortable doing things for and with yourself is a key part of being a Super Woman. Sure, it can be easy to find yourself completely absorbed in a role (a new job, motherhood) or a romantic relationship. We’ve all been there. His friends. His schedule. All your time and energy, all day, every day. But according to multiple large-scale studies (and an unofficial survey of my happy couple friends) having a fulfilling life outside of the relationship is the key to a healthy, long-lasting partnership. When you have your own stuff going on, you ensure that if you lose something, like a guy or a job, you don’t feel “lost.” You still have your already-super life and your already-super self. Any addition only makes it more super.
And while we are at it, let’s ditch another BS cliché: referring to someone or something as “my everything,” “my other half,” or, worse, “my better half.” Ew. No one on this earth is another half of you—they are just another planet in your orbit. And no one and no thing can be your sunshine when you are the damn sun.
DON’T WAIT FOR THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
. . . light that bitch up yourself.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: Whenever I make a wish—on a penny, an eyelash, in a tunnel, or at 11:11 PM—I always wish for happiness. “I want to be happy,” I’ve said to myself as I closed my eyes and made my wish, for as long as I can remember. I feel like I can share that with you and still have my wish come true, because I’m a pretty happy bitch now.
I’m sure there are millions of pennies in wishing wells across the globe with the same wish attached to them. A lot of this book focuses on how you can make that wish come true for yourself—and it won’t even cost you that penny. In fact, it’s free: you just have to stop wishing and start participating relentlessly in making it happen.
Does this sound familiar? “When I get there, I will be happy.” And when you get “there,” it goes like this: “Well, now when I just get there, I will really be happy.” The “if I just work harder,” “if I’m just more successful,” “if I just lose five pounds,” “. . . then I’ll be happy” promise was one I made to myself all the time during the first fifteen years of my career.
The problem was this: There is always another “there” to strive for. You work hard and get a raise, and then it’s “Well, now shouldn’t I take on a higher position?” Or you lose those five pounds, only to say, “Well, what’s five pounds when it could be ten?” Is it ever enough?
Well, it is now, if you decide it is. Enough with the “not being enough” stuff already. This doesn’t mean letting go of your ambition; it means taking the time to appreciate how much you already have. Studies have shown that increased levels of happiness lead to success, not the other way around. For years I had the equation backward. If you can raise your levels of optimism and deepen your social connections with others, every single performance indicator improves dramatically. You can increase your success rates for the rest of your life and your happiness levels will flatline, but if you raise your level of happiness, your success rate will only slope higher and higher.
When I start to slip into old thought patterns of “I’ll be happy when . . .” and feel impossibly far from loving my life, or “having it all” (you’ll hear more about my feelings on that phrase in the next step), I flip the phrase to “It makes me happy that . . .” and think about what I do have:
• Friends who will always be there for me if I need them; if shit hits the fan, I know they will take me in as family
• An apartment with furniture that I’m obsessed with
• A network of strong professional contacts I’ve kept up with over the years
• Three published books
• The best coffee maker on the planet (which fuels keeping up with all the above)
It’s natural to focus on the bad or annoying things going on in your life; these things tend to stress us out, which is a very physical reaction and one that’s difficult to ignore. But feeding them with constant attention and rumination only allows them to grow. Of course, there will always be a “worst-case scenario” and some bad stuff; that’s life. But there’s also always a “best-case scenario” and some good stuff, probably more than you realize during stressful moments, good stuff that’s likely starved for your attention.
Harvard Health studies have shown that gratitude in particular contributes significantly to your happiness, which makes you more productive and more successful (plus, according to Harvard grad Elle Woods, “happy people don’t kill other people”). Just think about the word “appreciation.” It means two things: increasing in value over time and giving thanks. So you want to appreciate? Then appreciate.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Go for the Gratitude Gold
A simple journaling exercise every morning and night can help you ditch any self-hating thoughts you might have. Neuroscientists have found that practicing gratitude makes your brain happy (boosts dopamine and serotonin levels) and creates positive feedback loops. Even if you feel like you have nothing to be grateful for, the act of just searching for something to be grateful for can have positive effects. Don’t overthink it. It’s not some elaborate ceremony. I practice gratitude for five minutes twice a day by filling in the following five prompts:
Three Things I’m Grateful for Today
• The smell of coffee
• My orchid that is still kicking
• A fluffy comforter and clean sheets
Three Things I’m Excited About Today
• Going to boxing class
• Meeting with a producing partner
• Researching weekend plans
Three People I’m Grateful for Today
• My doorman Julio
• My agent Jared
• My social media and website wizard-resses Megan and Sabrina (okay that makes four)
One Mantra I Want to Remember Today
• I am a work in progress and a masterpiece at the same time.
One Thing I Will Do to Be of Service Today
(Note: interpret this however you want, you just have to be doing something or “serving” someone else)
• I will call my friend Kristy because she needs a little extra TLC after a breakup.
For the nighttime entry, try to think about specific moments or actions so you don’t end up repeating answers like “my family” every day. So instead of writing that you’re grateful for “my daughter,” perhaps you write that you are grateful for “the hug I gave my daughter when she got home from school.” Not only does the nuance help you stick to the practice, but it helps you notice, be present for, and savor positive moments throughout your day. (BTW: positive memories form only if you are present in the emotion of them for ten to fifteen seconds.)
You can use this template, make your own, or pick up The Super Woman Journal (shameless plug), which has prompts similar to this to help you feel balanced on the regular. You can write them on a sticky note or with lipstick on your bathroom mirror, for all I care. Do it however you want to do it, just as long as you do it. You’ll be grateful you did. And there ya go—your first entry!
At the end of the day, life can be a bed of roses if you think about what a rose really is: a blossom, thorns, and a bud. After I do my gratitude entry for the night, I like to think about my rose. What was the blossom, or the best part of my day; what was the thorn, or the worst part; and what was the bud, or the thing I’m most looking forward to seeing bloom in the future?
These don’t have to be big things (some days, it’s “blossom: nailed my morning workout; thorn: spilled my coffee in the elevator; bud: getting a good night’s sleep”), but the metaphor provides a nice moment of reflection on the small wins and losses that are inherent each day. I like to do this after taking a trip or wrapping up a big project, too. What were the best parts, which I can celebrate and try to replicate in the future? What were the worst parts, which I can learn from and try to avoid? And what are the things I’m most looking forward to, to keep me moving, well . . . forward? After all, building a life you love means not just being grateful for where you are, but identifying what needs to change, and looking ahead to where you’re going.
BUILD A LIFE YOU LOVE
It’s your life. Live it how you want. I’m not going to judge you for what that looks like because after all, I’m not the one who has to wake up to your life every morning.
But I will challenge you, before we move on to figuring out your life goals and how to accomplish them, to ask yourself if you’re living the life you love and loving the life you live now. Because if you’re not, as Benjamin Button said, “I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
You can begin living a life you love and are proud of—one with purpose and meaning—at any point, even if you’re starting over for the tenth time, but only if that’s your intention.
CAN I GET YOUR INTENTION, PLEASE?
“What are your intentions with my daughter?” You’ve heard the father ask this question of potential suitors in countless TV shows and movies. Basically, he wants to know if the guy’s gonna treat his girl well and put a ring on it or what?! But I have yet to see a show or movie where the heroine asks herself, “What are my intentions for me?”
In our story, we’ve already put a ring on it. So now it’s time to live with the intention of treating ourselves well. The strength of the commitment you make to yourself determines how your life will turn out. Remember, this is not a shotgun wedding. We are in it for the long run.
Repeat after me:
I, (state your name), promise to define my values and live my life in accordance with them.
I promise to speak my truth, find my purpose, and not compare myself to others.
I promise to make choices that move me closer to my goals.
I promise to stay focused but be open to learning and changing.
If you value commitment enough to expect it from others, then you should be taking your commitment to yourself seriously. Are you committed to your values? If so, do you act committed to them? If not, how can you expect anyone else to be?
Setting intentions for yourself is an important step, but it’s not the last one. It’s like setting the table for your life. And, while I like a Pinterest-worthy place setting as much as the next girl, living with intention means actually eating at that table.
You may say you want to live a life of health and wellness, but if you’re also getting lit every weekend, you’re only cheating yourself. Of course, you can value whatever you want. If you value partying and boozing, then own that. But if you truly value health and wellness, then your life should have more juice than gin in it.
Not every day has to be a juice day. And there’s definitely a time and a place to sip on gin and juice. But decide what kind of life will make you proud, and let that determine what you order to drink, because that drink will affect your future. The way you choose to fill every day and exert your energy will determine your life’s direction. Where you end up next year or in ten years is determined by the choices you make now.
FIND YOUR WHY
It’s okay if you’ve never thought to define your calling or question your contribution to the greater good. Today is as good a day as any to start asking yourself: “Why?” As in, beyond the day-to-day desire for success: “Why do you do what you do?”
THREE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO FIND YOUR PURPOSE
1. Will you have a legacy? You don’t need to come up with a groundbreaking scientific discovery or win a Grammy to have a legacy. Maybe you established an innovative new process at your company or a thriving community garden in your neighborhood. What do you want to be known as—whether it’s to the world, or to your future two-year-old?
2. What will your eulogy say? This might seem a little dark, but connecting with yourself existentially will help you to prioritize and gain perspective. Do you hear “She was a member of Congress who fought for women’s rights”? Well, are you in Congress or planning to run at some point? Which rights are you fighting for?
3. What makes you cry? Think, “My purpose is . . .” and then start writing anything that comes to mind. Keep going. When you find yourself tearing up—ding ding ding! You’ve found it. Then, get after it. After all, a purpose without a plan is just a prayer.
As is my style . . . here’s how I would answer these. Especially with some of the more taboo subjects, sometimes it’s just easier to see an example or for someone to go first, so let that be me:
1. My legacy will be empowering a generation of young people—and especially women—to take control of their lives, careers, and finances once and for all, through books, TV shows, and online education tools that will thrive long after I’m gone.
2. When I’m gone, I hope to be remembered as a successful, self-made businessperson and journalist who was a champion for women and their careers, and a loyal friend who made the lives of those in my inner circle better for my friendship.
3. My purpose is to reach other women who have gone through hell and survived the fire, albeit with broken homes, abusive relationships, or mental disorders, and to empower them to find success—as they define it for themselves—not by ignoring those challenges, but by learning from them, and owning them.
Of course, you can and should check in with these three questions on occasion, especially as your personal and professional goals change. And as your relationship with yourself deepens, you’ll likely want to refine your answers as well. But let’s start with today: What is your “why?” now?
We get asked what we do or ask someone else the same question at least, what, once a day? Instead of thinking of your “what,” start to think about your “why.” Yes, part of your “why” is to make money. You need money to live. But don’t over- (or under-) state money’s role in what you do. You don’t get out of bed every single morning to greet the day “only for the money” or “not at all for the money.”
FYI
A now-famous study from Princeton University found that $75,000 is the optimal annual salary for happiness. After that, studies have shown, your happiness doesn’t increase much, even as your money mounts up to the billions. Can it make you happy? Well, it depends on how you spend it. Can money buy you meaning? No—and money without meaning is just paper.
Finding your “why” will also help to carry you through times when the “how” feels like a puzzle. It has with me. Do you ever get so frustrated that you hear yourself say, “How am I going to do that?!” or “What am I going to do?” out loud? I do. But I find that when I shift from “how” and “what” to “why,” the questions become easier to answer and the answers become tougher to question.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I’m not here to tell you the meaning of life (or get the Justin Bieber song stuck in your head). I’m here to give you a little kick in the booty on the way to finding it for yourself. Those who self-identify as having meaning and purpose in their lives are almost two times more satisfied at work and about one and a half times more engaged in their work than those who don’t.
A fascinating study of hospital janitors by a professor at Yale University found that those who viewed their job as one that contributes to the goal of healing and helping people were happier overall, while those who saw their job as strictly those tasks outlined in their job description did not enjoy it. The happier group described themselves as part of a bigger team in the hospital and as working toward a greater good. The meaning of their work came from more than the thankless daily grind of “what” they were doing, which often involved, you know, cleaning up bodily fluids. It came from focusing on the “why” they were doing it: the impact it was having toward other people’s health and wellness.
Some of the most successful companies choose to consciously focus on the meaning of what they do, too, rather than just on capturing the largest market share in their industry. You need look no further than their mission statements.
• Facebook: “To give people the power to share and make the world more open and connected.”
• Microsoft: “To enable people and businesses throughout the world to realize their full potential.”
• Google: “To organize the world’s information and make it universally accessible and useful.”
• Nike: “To bring inspiration and innovation to every athlete in the world. If you have a body, you are an athlete.”
Now, Nike is the biggest, most lucrative athletic company in the world. But its mission statement is about chasing meaning, not just paper. It focuses on the influence Nike aims to have on the people it reaches. If Nike is successful in achieving that, then success will come. And, it has. With that formula, you can “Just do it,” too.
MAYBE IT’S NOT THE JOB . . .
. . . maybe it’s you. That probably sucks to hear, but it’s a powerful thing to come to terms with, because it’s also the only thing you can really control. So put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. Sometimes, redefining “having it all” means finding a way to turn what you already have now into what you’ve always wanted.
There’s a popular concept in positive psychology called “job crafting.” It is essentially an exercise in taking the role you have now and making it your own instead of setting out to find another. Reframing what you’re doing now makes it easier to change your mindset about it. “Crafting” your job can also get you thinking about how you fit into a larger framework, how you further a mission or have a positive impact.
When I first started working as a business news anchor, I hated business and finance. Seriously. I didn’t understand it, and I felt uncomfortable talking about it. I thought it was just helping rich people get richer, which felt gross to me morally. All I thought about was how I could use my experience as a business reporter to get to my next job as an investigative reporter as quickly as possible, so that then I could really start making a difference.
The thing is: I was making a difference. I just needed to reframe the “why” of what I was doing. By reporting on how the world’s markets were moving and reacting in real time, I had the opportunity to write the first draft of history. The economy, arguably, is the factor that makes the most difference in people’s day-to-day lives. It determines whether or not we have jobs and what those jobs are worth. It impacts what we buy. When I stopped to think about it, every story went back to money. And I had insider access.
After I had that epiphany, I landed my dream job. Of course, it was the exact same job. It just became my dream job.
Here’s how I went about transforming the job I had into the one of my dreams.
First, I listed what I imagined I would do in my “dream job”:
• Report special series with my own franchise
• Uncover and investigate issues that mattered to people
• Educate and inform others through my storytelling
Then, I listed what I hated about my current job:
• Speaking to some scummy Wall Street people
• Too confined inside a studio
• The jargon and numbers
Finally, I listed what I loved about my current job:
• A boss who is my champion
• The ability to craft content
• Hours that are consistent (the market closes at 5 PM, and that’s a wrap, folks!)
I sat with these lists. Having a boss who believed in me, the ability to craft content, and reliable hours were exactly what I needed to do the things on my dream job list. So I came up with a series idea: investigating business crimes. It fit my goal of uncovering issues that mattered, but also fell into the scope of my business beat. My boss liked it and gave me the freedom to work on it after the market closed. The series got me out into the field, allowed me to focus on people and not numbers, and would ultimately get picked up by more mainstream news outlets.
Boom. I knocked out the things I hated (and to be fair, there are scummy people and good people in every industry and walk of life). I played to the things I did love about my current job (you can always find something). And, within that framework, I made my dreams a reality.
It’s so annoying to me when “experts” say things like “go follow your passion.” Well, yes, that is sometimes possible. But I didn’t have that luxury. I just needed a job, and I took anything I could get to get ahead. If you can’t “do what you love,” then love what you do. By finding a way to passionately love the job I had, I did indeed end up “following my passion,” just not the way—or the one—that I expected. Fast-forward more than a decade, and I’ve crafted a career I love by continuing to find ways to love the shit out of each and every one of the jobs and opportunities I’ve taken.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Your Title
In the same study about hospital janitors, two of the respondents considered themselves “a healer” and “an ambassador,” respectively. Now, those job titles didn’t go on Linked In, but you’d better believe that going into work to mop vomit off the floor becomes much more rewarding when you reframe your role as something awesome.
No one is going to do that for you—and no one even needs to know about it. Are you a “countess of communication,” helping people stay in touch with their loved ones (working at the post office)? Are you a “sculptor of sales,” shaping people’s hearts and minds (working at an ad agency)? A “majesty of meetings,” bringing people together to celebrate (as an event planner)?
BTW, if you want a royal title, for real, you can buy a ton of different ones online. (Yes, of course I’ve looked into this.) You can pay for a legit royal title, paperwork and all. But, being a “baroness” of whatever you do, in your own mind—and truly owning and loving that title—is way more valuable in the long run than any fancy title you can buy.
Think of yourself as one of the major companies I listed mission statements for, only in this case you’re the CEO and the board of directors and the employee of the month. You’re the head honcho of You, Inc. So, think about what your personal mission statement would be. I know you want to be successful (after all, you picked up this book!), but if you can verbalize why, you’ll have more luck achieving that success, and it will feel more meaningful when you do.
Just like those companies’ mission statements don’t focus on “making bank,” Emotional Wellness doesn’t come from a big bank account (otherwise, everyone with money would be happy and emotionally well—and we know from the tragic death of Kate Spade and others like her that they aren’t). It doesn’t come from the city you live in, the car you drive, or the partner you have.
No matter where you go, how you get there, or who you are going with, there you always are. So, anytime you’re tempted to say the words “you complete me” . . . do it in the mirror.
BOTTOM LINE
Conventional Wisdom: Taking care of yourself is selfish.
Being “selfless” is not a good thing. Taking care of yourself, on the other hand, is a great thing. So, go ahead, be “selfish” and when someone calls you that, say “thank you.”
Conventional Wisdom: The only way to live a life you love is to do what you love.
That sounds lovely, but it’s not always possible. What is always possible is reframing the way you think about what you do, and loving that.
Conventional Wisdom: I just need to find the right person and then I’ll be complete.
No. You complete you. Good talk.