Putting (and Keeping) Yourself Together
Becoming a Super Woman doesn’t mean you won’t have unsuper days, or weeks, or even months. And while it would be awesome if this book had the power to vanquish every battle you are fighting, the truth is there will always be a battle of some sort, and another battle waiting behind it. Being a Super Woman isn’t about calling it a victory and hanging up your cape. It’s about living with your battle wounds proudly displayed and feeling strong enough to live a full life, even if that means you risk adding more scars. They just show the world that you’re stronger than whatever it is that tried to hurt you. My goal is that you become your own hero when you need it, find your own superpowers, and ultimately win your own war.
This isn’t some rah-rah Disney movie ending. You aren’t “fixed” or “saved” or “better” just because you’ve made it to the final step in this book. You are the same super you—just more so, because you have improved skills and new tools. My hope now is that you’ve learned to embrace exactly who you are in all your perfectly imperfect glory, ditching the endless pursuit of perfection in favor of the daily commitment to progress.
Throughout this book we have rethought and reframed . . . everything: from what it means to “have it all,” to achieving balance, to managing our time and protecting our energy. In this step, we’re going to flip the script one last time and talk about harnessing the power of the crises that will inevitably find us throughout our lives and owning them as part of our story we tell ourselves and the world.
TURN PAIN INTO GAIN
The Chinese word for “crisis” includes the character for “opportunity.” You can’t choose the crises you face, but you can control what you do with the opportunity to learn from them. Similarly, you can’t choose what pains you, but you can choose how to look at and handle that pain.
As the famed poet Rumi says, “The wound is the place where light enters you.” We are conditioned to slap a Band-Aid on our wounds. But, instead, what if we exposed them? Aired them out? Like surface wounds, they might just heal faster when they are not all bandaged up and drowning in Neosporin. Wounds are nothing to be embarrassed of or to hide. We all have them. And our wounds are unique to us, therefore they are sacred. The term “sacred wounds” is sometimes used to refer to emotional wounds that you give love and compassion to rather than try to get rid of.
I get it, the idea of trying to make friends with your pain sounds . . . painful. But when you don’t listen to pain, it goes deeper, lasts longer, and has the power to take you down. It’s only when you acknowledge it that you hold the power.
Pain’s three greatest powers are:
1. Catharsis. There’s science that shows us that crying actually does make us feel better. That’s because tears contain leucine enkephalin—a natural painkiller.
2. Contrast. Nothing lets you feel the highs of joy more fully than experiencing the lows of pain. This is the concept of duality. Yin and yang. Ease and dis-ease. What is joy without pain? No one appreciates spring more than those who have lived through a long, cold winter.
3. Catalyst. As terrible as it might feel, pain can be the greatest catalyst for change. You may know, deep down, that you need to make a change—but sometimes it takes pain to kick your ass into actually doing it. And change only happens when the discomfort of the familiar outweighs the fear of the unknown.
When you’re hurting, it’s tempting to think you can power through the pain instead of addressing it, either by ignoring it or by numbing it away with unhealthy habits. I had always been a big fan of this option, choosing to distract myself with work instead of facing a painful scenario. The more of a mess I was on the inside, the more I worked on making my outside shine. Chasing my next work triumph kept me busy and let me pretend I was in control. But I wasn’t.
On my journey to becoming a Super Woman, I had to confront these behaviors and stop avoiding my pain. I started by saying to myself, “No more hiding, distracting, or pretending. Look your pain in the face and ask it what it’s trying to tell you.”
Well, my pain told me that there are things I can control and things I can’t, even when I do all the “right” things. My pain taught me that if I could accept the things I can’t control, then I would have more mental, physical, and emotional energy for those that I can. Now, I have to continually try to teach myself the “wisdom to know the difference,” as the line goes in the “Serenity Prayer.” I’m not religious, but you don’t have to be for this prayer to resonate with you, too:
God grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
There is something universal about the prayer’s celebration of our own potential and limits. But most people will only be able to recite to that point whether they know it from AA, Al-Anon, other recovery programs, or popular culture (like Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five or the movie Flight). But take a look at the next three lines:
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace
For me, these words are a reminder that pain can lead to peace, in whatever way you define it, be it happiness, fulfillment, or balance. Ignoring your pain might feel blissful in the moment, but embracing it is what will let you transcend it long-term. Knowing your pain and using it to help you heal might be the greatest superpower of them all.
THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING
Yes, of course I know we talked about the power of positive thinking in Step 9, but focusing on the positive doesn’t work all the time. Strategically tapping into your painful thoughts can sometimes work better. Listening to your negative thinking is one of the most powerful ways to turn and stare it down.
During my darkest times, trying to force my attention away from my negative thoughts only reminded me that they were there. (Quick: don’t think about a polar bear . . . are you thinking of one?!) So, instead, I acknowledged the fears that drove my scary thinking. Fully entertaining my “worst-case scenarios” was the only thing that motivated me to keep them from materializing.
When I hit rock bottom, I felt crippled. The idea of doing anything besides sleeping and moping around was unbearable. As for taking care of myself, I only wanted to entertain quick fixes, like watching a Madea movie or shopping online. So how did I go from Tyler Perry marathons to writing a book about the career benefits of solid Emotional Wellness? Well, for starters, when I found myself at my lowest point, my daily goals were super small. Go outside. Call a friend. Take a shower. Down a shot of apple cider vinegar. That was it.
I’d try to give myself a pep talk every morning: “Lapin, today all you have to do is go on the treadmill for five minutes. That’s it. You don’t even have to run; you can walk. Just MOVE. That’s the one thing you have to do today.” Anyone can hop on the treadmill for five minutes, right?! I just had to get up and move. Easy.
And yet . . . I didn’t do it.
It’s like what happens when you ask someone with all the free time in the world to get something done. It doesn’t get done. Without a deadline or any sort of structure, there’s no urgency. So, I tweaked my daily pep talk to something with a little less . . . pep, adding a lot more urgency by putting one of my fears front and center.
I started saying stuff like this: “Remember the psych ward, Lapin? How many treadmills were there? Oh, really, none?? Well, get your booty on that treadmill for just five minutes and maybe you won’t have to go back there. Ever.”
Yep. Scared. Straight. Reminding myself of the worst-case scenario gave myself something to work not just toward, but also against. Instead of assuming I was going to get it done like a rock star, I reminded myself that I was the “Fall Risk” I told you about in Step 1. The more I imagined my world getting rocked again, the harder I worked to stabilize it.
Then, if my goal for the day involved going outside or working out, I would leave my sneakers by the door before I went to bed. Socks and all. If it was about going away somewhere, I would book a flight right away. Once I got some momentum going, I brought in more goals and responded better to the “pep” in my talk. But when the positive was hard to see, the talks I gave myself that were rooted in pain gave me the push I needed to find it again.
FYI
Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy that teaches self-control over emotions (it’s from this philosophy that we get the English word “stoic”). Many of its teachings focus on “premeditation of evils,” or purposely focusing on the worst-case scenario. By visualizing that, you tend to a) conclude that you can cope even if it does actually happen, and b) motivate yourself to appreciate what you have, whether it’s your freedom or your loved ones, as you recognize that they are ephemeral.
Use negative self-talk judiciously—and remember, there’s a difference between self-motivation and self-hate. It isn’t intended to freak you out, put you down, or give you anxiety. It’s meant to make you realize how good you already have it, how strong you already are. For me, focusing on the dark for a period of time made me want to live in the light even more.
If your negative thinking does start to make you feel more afraid than motivated, list out those fears. Is your “worst-case scenario” that you get fired? Write out what you would do if that happens. Would you live off savings? Move in with a friend? Whatever you would do, the point is, you would be okay. Maybe not great, or even good, but still alive, right? If I actually do have another breakdown (which I’m not planning on doing, but you never know), I will be okay, too.
We are only born with two innate fears: a fear of loud noises and a fear of falling down. All other fears are learned through the shit we go through, aka our pain. I think of my fear(s) as an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real. Or, more eloquently put by the famous Stoic philosopher Seneca: “we suffer more in imagination than reality.” Fear happens. Use it to become fearless.
PLANT FLOWERS, PULL WEEDS
There’s no sense in waiting until you are on the other side of pain to start cultivating joy. Relishing in and savoring joyful moments will help counteract and balance those of suffering. As my super wise gardener says, “You can plant flowers and pull weeds.” It’s not one or the other. You must still live your life while you heal.
While pulling weeds, or breaking unhealthy habits, is no fun, planting flowers, or creating healthy habits, can be even harder. According to a groundbreaking study from University College London, it can take an average of sixty-six days to create a solid habit. One of the most successful ways to do that is to break the habit down into three stages: 1) the cue that reminds you to do the action, 2) the action itself, and 3) the reward for doing the action.
We often forget about the reward part, which is a mistake. After all, what would you willingly do over and over again without ever getting anything back? Nada. So, let’s say you want to establish the healthy habit of working out every morning. The cue would be setting the coffeemaker timer to go off first thing, so that you smell that aroma at the time you plan to go. The action is going to the gym. And the reward would be getting a yummy almond butter smoothie afterward.
This process rewires your brain to want to keep sticking to the new habit. When we consciously create a new habit, we are harnessing the power of our unconscious mind to create new neural pathways to make it stick. (BTW, 95 percent of what we do is done by our subconscious, which is why we don’t think about brushing our teeth or driving a car.) And when that new habit finally sticks, it becomes permanent. “Neurons that fire together, wire together” is just neurologist-speak for the simple truth that what sticks keeps sticking.
You can break an unhealthy habit using the same formula, keeping the same cue, but changing the reward. So let’s say you want to stop diving into work (habit) to numb your pain of losing a loved one (reward) that gets triggered every time you hear a particular song (cue). Then the next time you hear that song (cue), try to do something else, like call a friend or take a walk to reflect (habit) and assuage the pain (reward).
Of course, deep-rooted habits come with multiple cues and rewards every day. Finding all of them isn’t easy. But your new landscape is worth the work.
FYI
Ayurveda is one of the world’s first medical systems and healing methods, originating in India more than three thousand years ago. It rests on the belief that the mind affects what happens in your body more than anything else. Ayurvedic wisdom tells you to think of yourself as a tree—if the tree is wilting, where do you put the fertilizer? Not on the leaves, but on the roots.
Obviously I want a beautiful garden as much as you do. And as much as I want mine to flourish all year round, I only set myself up for more pain if I expect it to. A lot of pain stems from setting unrealistic expectations and then falling short. Growth comes from keeping expectations grounded and looking at any extra bloom as a bonus.
YOU ARE THERE
I used to say “when I get there . . .” I’ll be balanced. “When I get there . . .” I’ll be happy. My brain never let me get to the other side of balance or happiness because there was always another “there” there.
I got all the things I thought I wanted. My dream job was to be an anchor on CNN. Check. Then my dream job was to have my own network business show. Check. Then it was to have a bestselling book. Check. And then it was another. Check. The more I checked off, the less balanced or happy I was. I never got there.
I don’t usually look to Jim Carrey for inspirational quotes, but he said something that drives this point home: “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” It’s true. I started this book by telling you there is no external solution for an internal problem. By now I hope you know that.
None of the accomplishments I achieved, or the money I earned, made me feel like I was ever “there.” It was only once I decided I was there that I could be balanced and be happy. And you are right there with me.
CLAIM YOUR BAGGAGE
It has been said that if you get a group of people to put all of their problems in the middle of the room, once they see what others have, they will almost always grab their own back. We all have baggage. Some of yours might be heavy, but don’t forget that somewhere out there in the baggage claim of life, someone else’s is even heavier. Remembering that often gives me the strength to carry my own baggage when it feels too heavy to shoulder. It also reminds me of the support we give to ourselves and others when we put our baggage out there.
In order to leave the hospital on my own, I had to sign up for a “dialectical behavioral therapy,” or “DBT,” intensive course. It was a four-hour class, three days per week at an outpatient psychiatric program two hours away. But I would have traveled much farther for the emotional mileage I got out of it.
The concept of “dialectics” (the “D” in “DBT”) is the idea that opposing thoughts can exist side by side, and that even if two things are in opposition, they can be true at the same time. It teaches you to visualize your life like having a picnic on the grass. The dirt. The bugs. The sun. The leaves. You can’t only accept the sun. You can’t only accept the bugs, either. You accept the whole scene, complete with its awesome and not awesome parts.
Similarly, you can say “I’m angry about my job” and also “I love the work I do.” You can “be happy” and also “have a shitty day.” These statements seem to be in opposition, but both are true and both exist. One is not “more true” or “less true.”
The truth is, you can be a paradox. You don’t have to sugarcoat or oversimplify what you feel or who you are. I don’t.
I am both strong and sensitive. Ambitious and relaxed. Social and a loner. Or, as Alanis Morissette would say, “I’m free but I’m focused; I’m green but I’m wise; I’m hard but I’m friendly, baby.”
And now that we are friends, I hope that, because I have opened up in this book, you feel ready to be more open, too. To have success in any industry, you have to inspire trust and form connections with others—and it’s hard to form a genuine connection when you aren’t being honest about who you are. The more you accept that being many seemingly contradictory things at once doesn’t make you an imposter, the more real connections you will make with other Super Women who are also both masterpieces and works in progress at the same time.
It’s impossible to reach your full potential without honoring your full self and your entire story. You might say, “Yeah, but am I comfortable enough in my own skin to share it?” or “Am I confident enough to own it?” All of that is shame talking. The difference between guilt and shame is that the former asserts “I made a mistake,” while the latter asserts “I am a mistake.” We all make mistakes, but there is no way, no how, you are anywhere near being one yourself. As Super Woman Brené Brown so eloquently and hilariously says in her mega-popular TED Talk, the cure for shame is vulnerability. You might worry that if you’re vulnerable, people will take advantage of you. That’s possible. But, if you’re not vulnerable, the shame will take advantage of you. That’s guaranteed.
Superheroes like Superwoman may assume their identities only in a time of crisis, running off to change in a phone booth, but Super Women wear their capes every day, out in the open. Sometimes we spill coffee on our capes. Sometimes we feel like we can barely get out of bed, much less leap tall buildings in a single bound. But we have the strength to keep moving forward—pursuing progress, not perfection.
When you look at the sum of all your decisions, indecisions, strengths, and areas for growth, what do you get? You get your story as it is told right now. I know you might want to rip out some less-flattering or particularly painful chapters, but don’t. Instead, look at them dialectically: with both compassion and a desire for change. Forgiveness and tough love. Honoring the old book while writing a new one.
You know I love me a good saying, and I’ve quoted a lot of them in these last, well, couple hundred pages. But this one is my ultimate favorite, and I have it hanging on my wall right by my bed so that it’s the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to bed: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”
This is the end of my story for now, but it’s also just the beginning . . . so, what’s your story, Super Woman?
BOTTOM LINE
Conventional Wisdom: Superwoman > Super Woman
Super Woman > Superwoman